Why does my partner appear psycho? Trust issues, false assumptions/accusations

August 11, 2012

Rick loves Lucy: You have a lot of the details wrong. I am not going to share them here. You sound a lot like her though. Don't make so many assumptions please.

No one can provide any applicable advice if you're unwilling to give any details.

It's much like asking, shall I buy this car? It's blue.

August 11, 2012

Poor Garfish, he must wonder what the hell has happened to his thread....

TaraMaiden I was thinking that before I saw this! I didn't mean to create such a firestorm!!! Actually I'm sorry I posted. You saw where I tried to change the title b/c 2 minutes after I posted I realized it was kind of gender biased (even though I was kinda saying it in a joking way). Actually I am wondering if one of the posters is somebody I know. Just to clear things up, we weren't broken up. She just put me out of the house for a while. Also, someone said I shouldn't be posting this on a blog. They are right, but what are they doing here? Most of the people here are posting similar stuff, isn't that what this place is about?

August 11, 2012

No one can provide any applicable advice if you're unwilling to give any details.

It's much like asking, shall I buy this car? It's blue.

I had no problem responding to his posts.....

August 11, 2012

No one can provide any applicable advice if you're unwilling to give any details.

It's much like asking, shall I buy this car? It's blue.

I gave the critical details, but I've already shared too much information. If she does read this, she should know that I love her very much, sorry for posting, but I'm still pretty hurt.

August 11, 2012

TaraMaiden I was thinking that before I saw this! I didn't mean to create such a firestorm!!!

you did nothing of the kind. Posters who took your thread off-topic did that. and I wholly include myself in that...

Actually I'm sorry I posted. You saw where I tried to change the title b/c 2 minutes after I posted I realized it was kind of gender biased (even though I was kinda saying it in a joking way).

Yes, I realise that.

If you but knew the threads I could have begun on here, on various personal issues, but have refrained from doing so. Once it's there, it's there.

I'm an extremely frequent poster, but in many ways, also an intensely private person....

Actually I am wondering if one of the posters is somebody I know. Just to clear things up, we weren't broken up. She just put me out of the house for a while. Also, someone said I shouldn't be posting this on a blog. They are right, but what are they doing here? Most of the people here are posting similar stuff, isn't that what this place is about?

Yes.

And if anything, blogs are easier to edit.....

August 11, 2012

My partner of twelve and a half years has accused me of being a "potential" abuser and of "stalking" her. I've never, ever, done anything violent to her in my life, nor have I ever threatened to, nor have I ever cheated on her. After some recent trouble when she asked me to move out, she basically wasn't answering my calls or responding to my emails. I saw something on a blog she writes that really hurt me and I sent her a message telling her that it was hurtful. I called her at work and she said not to call me at work, then I sent her an email asking if she loved me anymore. At no time were there any threats involved. She responded back with an extremely angry email that she might not show up at the appointment I'd made for us (counseling). So I sent her another email right away, apologizing, trying to calm the situation. She did show up and we had both planned to break up with each other. The counselor cancelled and we argued outside, she said she thought I was a wife beater that just hadn't done it yet because I sent her that email!!! She said something to the effect that a man who changes his mind quickly (and I hadn't changed anything, just apologized) is certain to be a domestic abuser. I was deeply hurt by this and still am; it's almost like she cheated on me, that's how disturbing the feeling of being mistrusted and misread is. I convinced her to go somewhere and talk (she demanded a public place) so we had a long emotional conversation in a public restaurant with me crying in front of strangers and getting loud (I can't keep the volume down when I'm upset). Finally we agreed to try and give it another chance, but now some time has passed and I'm really wondering, if she accuses me of stuff like that maybe I should give up, I can't have my heart constantly broken like this, but we seem to really love each other. I don't understand what's wrong with her. Could she be borderline or something? Also, we live separately.

It's pretty hard to get through life with all the conflicts, stresses and messed up dynamics it presents you with and not, at times, react in a way that could be perceived as abusive. Whether that involves yelling at somebody, swearing at them or saying something that you know will cut into their psyche. When a person is being emotionally abusive, others around them are likely to start fearing that it will turn physical. You could turn violent in certain circumstances. Anybody could.

However, the word "abuser" is a very loaded one. For me, it has strong connotations of somebody who, in a very deliberate and calculated manner, identifies a vulnerable target, grooms them for abuse, isolates them and abuses them. I think most people would be absolutely livid and quite heartbroken to be regarded in such terms, and it seems fairly clear from this thread that you feel that way.

It could be that that's not what she meant at all, by the term "potential abuser". Perhaps that was just a very poorly expressed way of saying "you frighten me when you shout, because I think that one day you'll lose it and turn violent on me." Again, I believe that's a realistic fear to have around somebody who doesn't show much emotional control. Crying and shouting in a public place is not a good thing. It sends out quite strong messages of instability, and is something you must get a grip over if you're prone to it.

Had you been drinking any alcohol at the time? Has alcohol been involved in any of the situations she's complained about? I only ask, because it's such a common factor in situations that lead to noisy loss of control and tears in public places. It's not really good enough to say "I can't keep the volume down when I'm upset." Not, at least, if you want people to avoid perceiving you in the kind of negative way that you're currently so upset about.

The other aspect of it is that it does sound as though you bombarded her with messages...and that's one of the fastest ways to kill any residual love a person might have for you. I did it by accident, once, when I was furious with a boyfriend (for lying and cheating) and my phone didn't work properly - telling me that texts hadn't been sent successfully when in fact, they did reach their destination. The net result of this glitch was that I sent several angry texts in quick succession. Which undoubtedly made me look ridiculous and he made sure I knew that's exactly how he perceived me.

We went our separate ways. Initially he sent a few "are you okay?" texts and emails which I resonded to. Then I sent an "everything's resolved and forgiven" email full of forced jollity which with hindsight I didn't mean and which was articulated in a way that was cringe-inducingly unfunny and inauthentic. He didn't respond, so that was another opportunity taken (and seized) for me to look like the ridiculous one at the end of a relationship in which he had had many ridiculous moments.

For various reasons I eventually sought counselling. I'd had a tough few years for various reasons...but at the bottom of me looking for ocunselling was this "am I really a crazy bitch?" niggling fear that the circumstances around the end of the relationship had planted in my head, and that just wouldn't go away.

The first couple of counsellors weren't much use because although they were very nice, they seemed overly keen to create rapport and provide somewhat glib reassurances. Eventually I was lucky enough to see a very detached, clinical and skilled guy. He listened very intently to everything..and eventually concluded (in what was a bit of an anticlimax but a great relief) that my behaviour had been quite normal for anybody under my particular stresses and circumstances at that time.

He wasn't quite as dismissive as that sounds...that's just a summary of a few sessions' worth of work. It was extremely helpful, and gave me a lot of my confidence back in the way that the more effusive "you're a lovely person who got taken advantage of by an obviously unstable man" counsellors I saw couldn't. I don't think a good counsellor isn't going to start pathologising or diagnosing people in your life who they've never even met....even if you want them to.

If your gf wants to label you as a potential abuser, then that's what she's going to do. The harder you try to persuade her not to see you in that light, the more she's probably going to dig her heels in and think "control freak....abuser...stalker". Of course it's horrible to have somebody think or say those things about you, but the best way you can demonstrate that you're none of those things is to stop all contact. To discipline yourself out of dwelling on all the ways in which she might now be demonising you...and to start working (with a counsellor, if need be) towards a better, more emotionally stable you.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Taramere

August 11, 2012

I see this a little differently from the others, but my advice (run!) is the same.

She threw you out of the house, she's not responding to phone calls or emails, and now you're calling her at work? Of course she told you not to call her at work. Yes, threats are involved here. You're actions are threatening to her. Dude, you are scaring me and I don't even know you.

We hadn't broken up when I called her. If you send your wife a note to say hello, are you threatening her?

No, she broke up with you already! You're trying to go along with that, but you can't let her go. I don't know about a wife beater, but you are essentially stalking her.

Ricky, please don't talk to your wife or call her or send her any emails. You're stalking her.

Despite my issues with your post, I thank you for considering and responding.

August 11, 2012

I gave the critical details, but I've already shared too much information. If she does read this, she should know that I love her very much, sorry for posting, but I'm still pretty hurt.

No need to apologize for posting. Sorry for being so blunt.

August 11, 2012

If your gf wants to label you as a potential abuser, then that's what she's going to do. The harder you try to persuade her not to see you in that light, the more she's probably going to dig her heels in and think "control freak....abuser...stalker". Of course it's horrible to have somebody think or say those things about you, but the best way you can demonstrate that you're none of those things is to stop all contact. To discipline yourself out of dwelling on all the ways in which she might now be demonising you...and to start working (with a counsellor, if need be) towards a better, more emotionally stable you.

Thanks for your well thought out post. Alcohol wasn't/isn't an issue and I'm not the only one who gets angry and loud. Actually the restaurant scene wasn't really that noticeable. It was the crying that I thought was really loud but that's because I'm a guy, what guy wants to have strangers see him with tears on his face. Yes I do have some anger issues, I am working on that and have been for a while. It seems kind of normal to me to get angry in these situations, maybe that's my family background or something. I don't think she's demonizing me now. I'ts more of a worry that she might someday do this again, all it takes is one mistaken assumption to mess somebody's life up. Actually it's mostly a desire to understand why she is like that. In so many other ways she's awesome and a great person.

August 11, 2012

No need to apologize for posting. Sorry for being so blunt.

Oh, LOL no I meant if SHE reads it, I want HER to know I'm sorry for posting this!!! It was an ill considered move!!! But thanks anyway

August 11, 2012

My opinion:

Women are considered to be "pyschos" because, by nature, they are highly attached to the practical things of this world: material things, houses, children (in the mere physical sense), relationships (especially control of relationships), and success.

These things are not bad in themselves. But the problem comes when they become the center of your life. You then start going "psycho" in order to maintain these things under your control; instead of just letting go, letting things be, and being at peace.

The more control a person tries to maintain over his/her world, the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

Well, what your talking about seems like just the stress of a person living their life. We can't get around that. Everybody has stress. And don't men hold on to the very same things? I think a lot of relationships crumble because of this stress as you implied. The stuff that's going on outside the relationship is so out of control that partners start taking out their stress on each other. I'm sure I've done it too. That's one reason I'm giving this another chance: a lot of the stuff that brought us down was stuff that neither of us had caused.

And no, women aren't all materialistic. I don't think that's what you meant actually, just clarifying. Women want a lot of the same things (material and ethereal) that men want, they just seem to want them in different ways. The house, the kids, the car, pets, they mean SLIGHTLY different things to a male or a female. A house to me is a place to stay, a place for my stuff, for a man cave, for parties with friends, and mostly a place that's MINE. To a woman (ladies am I wrong here?) a house is a place of safety and security, sometimes status, but it's also HERS. So there's a lot of common ground, but it's hard to find in some relationships, or maybe we just don't know that it's there all along? Any way I sense myself drifting too far from the post.

Edited August 12, 2012 by Garfish

August 12, 2012

I hope you manage to resolve this distressing episode.

I would still humbly stand by my original suggestion - a week's break, with introspective soul-searching, using the list....

Let us know how you get on.

ill-advised or no, it's here, and you've had some interesting contributions....on-topic or otherwise!

August 12, 2012

One question:

If my situation was reversed and it was me who was the one who took a board over her body and bruised her, would you be saying the same thing?

I don't even need an answer.

With that I will end my discussion here.

Ironically this is what happens when I reach out to a victim of DV to let them know about a potential healing and communication service for both victims and abusers. Myself having been bits on both ends of the spectrum. Brilliant.

Garfish, seriously, if there is any remaining doubt in your mind perhaps seeking a course out like the one I mentioned, otherwise just go with TaraMaiden. She's smarter and more sensical than most posters and most people frankly.

August 12, 2012

We hadn't broken up when I called her. If you send your wife a note to say hello, are you threatening her?

Cool. Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry you were so put off by my other post. This gives me a chance to respond, even though you kinda regret posting at all.

So, if my wife asked me to leave the house, won't return my phone calls and won't return my messages, to me that is a de facto break up because she would be trying to break all contact with me.

I agree that just sending email to say hello is not threatening. But did you really email just to say hello? In your situation I would have wanted to talk to her about more serious issues.

Calling her at work crossed a line. As long as you emailed or called, she had the ability to not communicate with you. By contacting her at work, a place where she would have to answer the phone, you took control away from her. That could easily send the message that you would not take 'no' for an answer, and a guy working on anger management issues in that situation could be perceived as threatening.

Thanks again for replying to post. Good luck with your relationship, Garfish, my prayers will be with you.

August 12, 2012

Ironically this is what happens when I reach out to a victim of DV to let them know about a potential healing and communication service for both victims and abusers. Myself having been bits on both ends of the spectrum. Brilliant.

Garfish, seriously, if there is any remaining doubt in your mind perhaps seeking a course out like the one I mentioned, otherwise just go with TaraMaiden. She's smarter and more sensical than most posters and most people frankly.

I would think at the very least I would need an apology from her to even consider counselling. She has not. This is why I've given up on her. Any time I did something to her which was 1/10th as bad, there would be a huge ordeal, her parents would come over, and I would inevitably be required to apologize to her before I would be back allowed into my house.

August 12, 2012

I would think at the very least I would need an apology from her to even consider counselling. She has not. This is why I've given up on her. Any time I did something to her which was 1/10th as bad, there would be a huge ordeal, her parents would come over, and I would inevitably be required to apologize to her before I would be back allowed into my house.

Is she an only child?

August 12, 2012

We need to stop threadjacking Garfish's thread.

M30USA, i would gently suggest you run through the posts, specifically relating to you, and simply take a step back to consider our PoV's, because whatever your opinions of us, no matter what you may discern our manner or motives to have been, you'd better try to get your head round the fact that actually, weird as it may seem, we meant well.

If you feel you'd like to take advantage of this learning curve - start a new thread.

We'll be there.

August 12, 2012

Is she an only child?

No, but she was the "princess". Parents never said no. For example, she would scream and throw fits during car rides until her parents stopped to get her a milkshake. Even recently during our early marriage when she picked up all the dishes in the kitchen and shattered them all over the kitchen floor, I told her I'm not going to pick them up and they will stay there until she picks them up--her mom came over soon after and picked them up for her. I partly blame her parents for raising her this way.

August 12, 2012

No, but she was the "princess". Parents never said no. For example, she would scream and throw fits during car rides until her parents stopped to get her a milkshake. Even recently during our early marriage when she picked up all the dishes in the kitchen and shattered them all over the kitchen floor, I told her I'm not going to pick them up and they will stay there until she picks them up--her mom came over soon after and picked them up for her. I partly blame her parents for raising her this way.

Get her out of your life. She will never get any better, if her parents are coddling her like this.

August 12, 2012

Get her out of your life. She will never get any better, if her parents are coddling her like this.

Yep, there was a brief period of time right after she got out of jail for assaulting me where I thought she might change and there was hope. Then her parents took her in, started defending her side, made her realize there wasn't a need to change...and it was all over from there. Her parents are the worst thing for her right now. They think they're helping, but they're really destroying their flesh and blood.

August 13, 2012

Cool. Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry you were so put off by my other post. This gives me a chance to respond, even though you kinda regret posting at all.

It's OK. I appreciate you offering your opinion.

Calling her at work crossed a line. As long as you emailed or called, she had the ability to not communicate with you. By contacting her at work, a place where she would have to answer the phone, you took control away from her. That could easily send the message that you would not take 'no' for an answer, and a guy working on anger management issues in that situation could be perceived as threatening.

She had never said not to call her at work or otherwise, until that last call. One mistake I made was emailing her after that. I should have just ignored her (I probably should have done that for a very long time actually... hindsight is 20/20). She needs some anger management too. I'm so sick of everyone assuming it's only the guy who gets angry.

Thanks again for replying to post. Good luck with your relationship, Garfish, my prayers will be with you.

Thanks.

August 13, 2012

Yep, there was a brief period of time right after she got out of jail for assaulting me where I thought she might change and there was hope. Then her parents took her in, started defending her side, made her realize there wasn't a need to change...and it was all over from there. Her parents are the worst thing for her right now. They think they're helping, but they're really destroying their flesh and blood.

Parents never have any business interfering in the relationships of their adult children, unless of course the child's life is in danger.

August 13, 2012

No, but she was the "princess". Parents never said no. For example, she would scream and throw fits during car rides until her parents stopped to get her a milkshake. Even recently during our early marriage when she picked up all the dishes in the kitchen and shattered them all over the kitchen floor, I told her I'm not going to pick them up and they will stay there until she picks them up--her mom came over soon after and picked them up for her. I partly blame her parents for raising her this way.

Hmmmm.... I know someone who used to smash dishes.

August 13, 2012

I hope you manage to resolve this distressing episode.
I would still humbly stand by my original suggestion - a week's break, with introspective soul-searching, using the list....

Let us know how you get on.
ill-advised or no, it's here, and you've had some interesting contributions....on-topic or otherwise!

Thank you, advice taken.

August 14, 2012

I would think at the very least I would need an apology from her to even consider counselling. She has not. This is why I've given up on her. Any time I did something to her which was 1/10th as bad, there would be a huge ordeal, her parents would come over, and I would inevitably be required to apologize to her before I would be back allowed into my house.

So you need an apology from her to attend a course for yourself dealing with healing from DV and learning to set boundaries and communicate?

What?

A course like that would help to reduce/eliminate the possibility of getting back into an abusive dynamic again. It has nothing to do with being married, divorced, in a relationship or composing a musical.

Just that you either were an abuser or were abused.

How in the world do you need an apology for that? They don't make you "proove" that you were abused.

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Why does my partner appear psycho? Trust issues, false assumptions/accusations

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