Why does my partner appear psycho? Trust issues, false assumptions/accusations

[Garfish]

My partner of twelve and a half years has accused me of being a "potential" abuser and of "stalking" her. I've never, ever, done anything violent to her in my life, nor have I ever threatened to, nor have I ever cheated on her. After some recent trouble when she asked me to move out, she basically wasn't answering my calls or responding to my emails. I saw something on a blog she writes that really hurt me and I sent her a message telling her that it was hurtful. I called her at work and she said not to call me at work, then I sent her an email asking if she loved me anymore. At no time were there any threats involved. She responded back with an extremely angry email that she might not show up at the appointment I'd made for us (counseling). So I sent her another email right away, apologizing, trying to calm the situation. She did show up and we had both planned to break up with each other. The counselor cancelled and we argued outside, she said she thought I was a wife beater that just hadn't done it yet because I sent her that email!!! She said something to the effect that a man who changes his mind quickly (and I hadn't changed anything, just apologized) is certain to be a domestic abuser. I was deeply hurt by this and still am; it's almost like she cheated on me, that's how disturbing the feeling of being mistrusted and misread is. I convinced her to go somewhere and talk (she demanded a public place) so we had a long emotional conversation in a public restaurant with me crying in front of strangers and getting loud (I can't keep the volume down when I'm upset). Finally we agreed to try and give it another chance, but now some time has passed and I'm really wondering, if she accuses me of stuff like that maybe I should give up, I can't have my heart constantly broken like this, but we seem to really love each other. I don't understand what's wrong with her. Could she be borderline or something? Also, we live separately.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Garfish
I would like to change the title but can't? Sounds too biased

[TaraMaiden]

Perhaps you could suggest the two of you stay out of each others' way for a week or so to let the dust settle, then meet again - in a public place - and compare lists.

 

Make a list, both of you, away from each other:

 

Ten things I would like from this relationship.

Ten things I think *partner's name* would like from this relationship.

 

At the end of the week - with absolutely No Contact in between, at all - not even a little text saying "hi"...

 

Meet up, and compare lists.

 

Then find the common denominators, and build on those, look at the differences, and reach a compromise.

 

With what little info you've given, that's all I can say right now....

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, I get it, you were upset.... But many women can be volatile creatures, but unlike guys, we don't generally let fists fly when we get really riled... I know not all guys resort to physical fighting with one another, but when some men get angry, they resort to lashing out physically against another guy - men-fights are not rare.

Women don't do that so much - so look upon her outburst as being a rollicking emotional fisticuffs....

 

That said, public displays of brute anger are ugly from anyone, and self-control should have been the order of the day.

 

is she normally so volatile and emotional?

Is this an uncharacteristic outburst or is she given to 'losing it'?

 

It's a shame you relationship - of long-standing - reached such an emotional peak - you'd think a couple who had been together so long would have reached a stage where all this high-emotional stuff wouldn't be a feature.... or has there been a build-up?

 

Do you have kids together?

[Garfish]

 

With what little info you've given, that's all I can say right now....

 

Well I don't want to be identified, who knows if she might find this post, so I can't say too much... suffice it to say we've had a HUGE communication problem for the entire 12 year relationship. The result is now, we are not ever going to be able to live together in the same house, but I could deal with that, have done the LAT thing before. Thanks for the suggestions, I will do that, during our talk we had identified some needs of each of ours that weren't getting met, and promised to work on that. I just keep having this nagging feeling that maybe she's actually crazy and had been somehow hiding it all these years... she's very intelligent with advanced degrees but that doesn't mean anything. I just can't wait much longer to live my life, I've been so long in the "desert" if you know what I mean. I mean I'm not a priest or something! And besides that I just don't know if I can trust her. In my career path I have regular background checks and I can't afford false accusations of any kind appearing on my record. What if she does this again and goes further with her paranoia? It's even possible that the counselor we were supposed to see has filed a report on me, I wouldn't even know how to find out.

[TaraMaiden]

OK, I'm guessing you mean the physical side has dried up....

 

That - unfortunately - isn't rare, between long-term partners, but when it gets to the point of enforced celibacy, that always puts a terrific strain on the relationship - and if there are other issues, then that particular one gets magnified...

[Garfish]

is she normally so volatile and emotional?

Is this an uncharacteristic outburst or is she given to 'losing it'?

 

It's a shame you relationship - of long-standing - reached such an emotional peak - you'd think a couple who had been together so long would have reached a stage where all this high-emotional stuff wouldn't be a feature.... or has there been a build-up?

 

Do you have kids together?

Thank goodness, no kids. She didn't want them, I guess I found ways to rationalize that... no marriage either. I get angry when I'm falsely accused of something serious. Falsely accuse me of moving the cheese or forgetting to put up something, fine, falsely accuse me of THAT... yes, I'm furious. I did yell at her a bit and called her a liar from across the parking lot but she did worse. She's more of the scheming type, she saves up information until she can ambush, whereas I'm chill most of the time, I'm not here to play games, this is my life and the only one I get. But, being a woman, she is not inclined to really come out and tell me what she's thinking... she hides a lot of things... I'm just what you see is what you get really.

[TaraMaiden]

Ask yourself:

How much more of yourself are you willing to invest in this?

You know this R. better than i can ever do, but is it worth sticking up for?

Is it fulfilling what you want out of life?

Is there a way that this can still be achieved?

Do you believe you are both willing and capable of the effort?

 

A Relationship requires, indisputably, three main supporting qualities to hold it up - like a tripod:

 

Trust

Respect (for self and partner)

Effective Communication.

 

If one of those is missing - what happens to the 'tripod'?

It can't stand up, even if the other two legs are perfectly sound.

 

which one is missing or broken in yours?

Is it repairable?

[Radu]

Dude, what the hell is wrong with you.

 

Either way you have lost 12yrs of your life on someone who doesn't even live with you, who humiliates you in public, who puts up unreasonable boundaries and in your own words makes false accusations.

You wanted a family, she didn't ... you folded.

Don't you see the pattern of you folding to her whims ?

 

Just plain run.

And if your job is that sensitive i would go and talk with a lawyer before running.

Maybe even consider recording conversations with her where she admits she falsely accused you.

 

That discussion at the counselor was perfect, the logic behind calling you a wife beater because you dissagree with her and sent her a mail is ... mind boggling.

 

PS: Oh, and women are not generally psycho's, but this one is.

[Garfish]

Radu, OK I may have painted things a little worse than they are. She didn't accuse me to any authority, just to my face. I think she was just afraid, I tend to get a little angry sometimes, and occasionally I'll yell when I'm really angry, but I'd never hit her. The kids thing is really OK, I was never totally for it or against it to be fair, it's better that way anyhow, I don't want someone to inherit my problems (health). Marriage scares me, been through it, not worth it, it's only beneficial for the wife, I am not blaming her for that one at all.

 

I think she has trouble interpreting people's intentions, she's very cautious and reserved. I am no angel, I can be a real jerk sometimes. It's just that I thought she knew me better than that after such a long time. Now I'm just wondering what's really going on in her head that the could think such a thing. It's like we don't actually know each other.

 

TaraMaiden thanks so much for your input, it is very useful.

[Radu]

-12yrs, not living together

-lots of excuses for her behaviour

-accusing you of being a wife beater even though you did nothing [i know she didn't go to an authority]

- i could go on disecting what you posted and find more things that could indicate major problems

 

You are abused, just go and talk to a professional and ask his opinion, or go to a women's shelter and relay this story in full and ask for their opinion on this one.

Or any female friend who is impartial, relative.

 

After 12yrs, her reality is your reality now, and you are thus seeing all of this as normal, as excusable.

 

You have been emotionally abused.

[TaraMaiden]

....

TaraMaiden thanks so much for your input, it is very useful.

 

If you have a short fuse, consider whether Anger Management would be appropriate...

 

in the meantime, propose to your partner the week's cooling-off period, and writing your lists....

then see whether you can tackle counselling, together, again, to address other issues....

 

At least the lists would be a constructive step to see what you're both looking for....

[M30USA]

My opinion:

 

Women are considered to be "pyschos" because, by nature, they are highly attached to the practical things of this world: material things, houses, children (in the mere physical sense), relationships (especially control of relationships), and success.

 

These things are not bad in themselves. But the problem comes when they become the center of your life. You then start going "psycho" in order to maintain these things under your control; instead of just letting go, letting things be, and being at peace.

 

The more control a person tries to maintain over his/her world, the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

[TaraMaiden]

...

The more control a person tries to maintain over his/her world, the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

 

Incorrect:

The more control a person tries to maintain over the world of their partner, without addressing their own issues at all - the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

[M30USA]

Incorrect:

The more control a person tries to maintain over the world of their partner, without addressing their own issues at all - the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

 

TaraMaiden,

 

Your comment is obviously directed towards me. Please understand that you do not know me. You do not understand my situation, especially after having been assaulted. Plenty of women come on this site in similar situations and get complete sympathy in their situation. I kindly ask that you not assume things about me. Thank you.

[soccerrprp]

My experience has been that it's because there have been men who have done them wrong. Some are simply unstable, but mostly because of past negative experiences...

 

[guy here]

[Mme. Chaucer]

My opinion:

 

Women are considered to be "pyschos" because, by nature, they are highly attached to the practical things of this world: material things, houses, children (in the mere physical sense), relationships (especially control of relationships), and success.

 

These things are not bad in themselves. But the problem comes when they become the center of your life. You then start going "psycho" in order to maintain these things under your control; instead of just letting go, letting things be, and being at peace.

 

The more control a person tries to maintain over his/her world, the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

 

Oh, brother.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden,

 

Your comment is obviously directed towards me. Please understand that you do not know me. You do not understand my situation, especially after having been assaulted. Plenty of women come on this site in similar situations and get complete sympathy in their situation. I kindly ask that you not assume things about me. Thank you.

 

You completely misinterpret me. My comment is not directed or intended to be accusatory at all. Neither have I made any assumptions, I would not be so crass.

Having worked in Relationships counselling, I know for a fact that people who have controlling tendencies, project everything outwards, and take little or no responsibility for anything they do or say. It's always 'someone else'.

I'm sorry you felt I was singling you out for criticism. That's not my point at all.

[RickyLovesLucy]

I see this a little differently from the others, but my advice (run!) is the same.

 

My partner of twelve and a half years has accused me of being a "potential" abuser and of "stalking" her.

Let's see if there are any reasons for that.

I've never, ever, done anything violent to her in my life, nor have I ever threatened to, nor have I ever cheated on her.

I don't think you have to threaten violence to seem threatening.

After some recent trouble when she asked me to move out, she basically wasn't answering my calls or responding to my emails.

I don't think she asked you, I think she told you to move out. Would I be correct in guessing that the trouble involved you completely losing your cool?

 

She's not answering your repeated calls to the house or emails. She doesn't want to talk to you. It's over, but you keep trying to contact her.

I saw something on a blog she writes that really hurt me and I sent her a message telling her that it was hurtful.

She told you to move out, she refuses to talk to you or email you. Now you're following her blog. It was insensitive to publicly talk about your relationship, but there is no point in emailing her because she doesn't want to talk to you.

 

I called her at work and she said not to call me at work, then I sent her an email asking if she loved me anymore. At no time were there any threats involved.

She threw you out of the house, she's not responding to phone calls or emails, and now you're calling her at work? Of course she told you not to call her at work. Yes, threats are involved here. You're actions are threatening to her. Dude, you are scaring me and I don't even know you.

She responded back with an extremely angry email that she might not show up at the appointment I'd made for us (counseling). So I sent her another email right away, apologizing, trying to calm the situation.

I can easily imagine her anger. You know your behavior might result in her getting fired, don't you?

 

The appointment you made. The only reason she would be keeping that appointment is to tell you it's over.

 

She did show up and we had both planned to break up with each other. The counselor cancelled and we argued outside, she said she thought I was a wife beater that just hadn't done it yet because I sent her that email!!!

No, she broke up with you already! You're trying to go along with that, but you can't let her go. I don't know about a wife beater, but you are essentially stalking her.

 

She said something to the effect that a man who changes his mind quickly (and I hadn't changed anything, just apologized) is certain to be a domestic abuser. I was deeply hurt by this and still am; it's almost like she cheated on me, that's how disturbing the feeling of being mistrusted and misread is.

I don't know understand what's being said here, but I think she reads you just fine.

 

I convinced her to go somewhere and talk (she demanded a public place) so we had a long emotional conversation in a public restaurant with me crying in front of strangers and getting loud (I can't keep the volume down when I'm upset).

No kidding she wants to meet in public. You're scaring the sh*t out of her. You're crying and yelling, like you do when you're upset. Like when she asked you to move out. Like when you called her at work. Can you see why that's threatening?

 

Finally we agreed to try and give it another chance, but now some time has passed and I'm really wondering, if she accuses me of stuff like that maybe I should give up, I can't have my heart constantly broken like this, but we seem to really love each other. I don't understand what's wrong with her. Could she be borderline or something? Also, we live separately.

She agreed because you wore her down. Somewhere inside she probably still cares about you, but your intensity is really far too much for her.

 

You need to call her and break up with her. It's hard to accept, but you need to let her go. It's over.

 

Now, I've read you totally different than the others and maybe I've misread you. But I don't think so. I once had a relationship that ended remarkably like yours, so I know. I know what you're feeling. I also had a very difficult time accepting that the relationship was over.

 

What happened next was this: It took me months to get over her. Months. But I did get over her and I met the most incredibly woman; a woman seemingly made for me. We've been married many, many years now, and this moment my DW is downstairs making breakfast for me. One of the kids is dropping by today, so I have to go downstairs and get ready.

 

The only thing I can add is that it gets better. It really does.

[TaraMaiden]

My opinion:

 

Women are considered to be "pyschos" because, by nature, they are highly attached to the practical things of this world: material things, houses, children (in the mere physical sense), relationships (especially control of relationships), and success.

 

These things are not bad in themselves. But the problem comes when they become the center of your life. You then start going "psycho" in order to maintain these things under your control; instead of just letting go, letting things be, and being at peace.

 

The more control a person tries to maintain over his/her world, the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

 

You however, are heavily stuck in Gender-bias, and in my considered opinion, would probably benefit from some form of personal counselling, to help you come to terms with the experience of your marriage, and the bitterness towards women, that it has left you as a legacy.

 

This has been evident in several threads you have contributed to, and frankly, is not only distorted, but it's a crying shame.

[M30USA]

You however, are heavily stuck in Gender-bias, and in my considered opinion, would probably benefit from some form of personal counselling, to help you come to terms with the experience of your marriage, and the bitterness towards women, that it has left you as a legacy.

 

This has been evident in several threads you have contributed to, and frankly, is not only distorted, but it's a crying shame.

 

Well, I'm sorry if that's how I come across.

 

I can't see any other way of viewing things. Especially after being abused by her (physically) and then having her own father tell me I need to apologize to her in order for the marriage to continue. I'm sorry but this just doesn't seem right. And my case isn't the only one, either.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I'm sorry if that's how I come across.

 

I can't see any other way of viewing things. Especially after being abused by her (physically) and then having her own father tell me I need to apologize to her in order for the marriage to continue. I'm sorry but this just doesn't seem right. And my case isn't the only one, either.

 

There is ALWAYS another way of viewing things because one set of experiences does not necessarily mean all experiences will be - or are - like this.

 

One dog bite doesn't mean all dogs will bite you.

It is understandable to be wary, but judging all circumstances by looking through the same spectacles, and assessing them to all be predictably the same - is, if you will excuse me for saying so - not using the brain the good lord gave you, to its best and most favourable capacity.

[threebyfate]

My opinion:

 

Women are considered to be "pyschos" because, by nature, they are highly attached to the practical things of this world: material things, houses, children (in the mere physical sense), relationships (especially control of relationships), and success.

 

These things are not bad in themselves. But the problem comes when they become the center of your life. You then start going "psycho" in order to maintain these things under your control; instead of just letting go, letting things be, and being at peace.

 

The more control a person tries to maintain over his/her world, the more prone to being "psycho" he/she will be.

Until people start taking responsibility for their own actions within a relationship, they never move beyond their rut. Your wife was responsible for her own abusive behaviour but you're responsible for not only taking it but aligning with it by, in your own words, "going psycho".

[fortyninethousand322]

If someone thinks you're going to be a domestic abuser, you probably will be. It's not being psycho, it's just someone expressing an opinion. At least she told you early enough for you to get help fixing your issues.

[M30USA]

Until people start taking responsibility for their own actions within a relationship, they never move beyond their rut. Your wife was responsible for her own abusive behaviour but you're responsible for not only taking it but aligning with it by, in your own words, "going psycho".

 

Excuse me, but you are flat wrong and I resent your assumption. My wife has not taken responsibility for her physical abuse. She flat out denied it in family court, saying she never hit me. She also has asked me since to apologize for what I did to make her hit me. I truly cannot believe the opposition and misunderstanding I've received as a man on this forum after going through a traumatic abusive situation.

[dreamingoftigers]

TaraMaiden,

 

Your comment is obviously directed towards me. Please understand that you do not know me. You do not understand my situation, especially after having been assaulted. Plenty of women come on this site in similar situations and get complete sympathy in their situation. I kindly ask that you not assume things about me. Thank you.

 

How in the world is restating a definition showing any lack of empathy/sympathy for your marital situation?

 

Wth?

 

It isn't "psychotic" to want control of one's own environment. It's "psychotic" to start trying to control the PEOPLE in your environment and THEIR influences etc etc. Like restraining your bf/gf from seeing their friends.

 

That makes way more sense then say, trying to control your finances. (although if that were the case my finances would prove that I wasn't psychotic )