Desensitized Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) Please read: As someone that is constantly seeking to better himself, this story is to somewhat put an 'end' to the long healing process that has been a journey to overcome. Some of you will probably think my story is immature, but this is my story and I cannot change the things that I did. I have grown immensely during my time of healing and growth, so I hope whoever reads this can take something from this and not let things go as badly as I let them get at one point in time. And to set the record straight, I did not contact my ex-fiancee and ask her to dinner because I still have feelings for her, I sincerely wanted to apologize to her face-to-face and try to explain things to her in a healthy/rational way. The way it should have been from the beginning. I still have a lot to learn, but thank you for choosing to read my story. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some of you may have read my old thread that talked about my ex-fiancee that has what most psychiatrists would call borderline personality disorder (BPD). To be diagnosed with BPD, you must meet most of the following symptoms: 1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, 2) A pattern of unstable and intense relationships, 3) Identity disturbance, 4) Impulsivity, 5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, 6) Emotional instability, 7) Chronic feelings of emptiness, 8) Inappropriate intense anger, and 9) Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts. For the sake of saving the reader time, I will make my restating of my story as short as possible and I will try to just hit the main things. I will probably miss a lot, but oh well. Hopefully you can get the gist of what I am trying to say. My story I was a senior in high school and I was very naïve (this was probably due to my intense online videogame addiction that developed in eighth grade). There was this girl in my sociology class (we’ll call her “Diane”) who just sparked my interest the very first moment I heard her speak during discussion. It wasn’t so much what she had to say that interested me (although she was intelligent), it was the fact that she looked like the girl of my dreams. I never would have even dated this girl if she didn’t coincidentally stay after school one afternoon. Before I even began to date her, she was getting out of a relationship with guy #1. Being as sad as she was, I tried to be the guy that cheered her up. To no end could I get her to acknowledge my nice behavior and thank me. Instead, she would make me feel as if I was helping her out by hanging out with me regularly. Of course I got attached fairly quickly spending a lot of my time with her trying to make her like me and be the guy to cheer her up during her time of need. But little did I know she was seeing 2-3 other guys on the side… I first noticed something was up when I had to stay after school for gym class and I was walking out to leave the building to see her with guy #2 having a chat with him fairly late in the hours of the day (I was at the school late, so I knew they were there for a while). I would have not had had a problem with this, but we had been doing sexual things together one day. She was quite the wild one in bed if I must say (perhaps this has to do with some of the attachment I initially had with her). Anyways, to make a long story short, I was involved in a “love triangle” with guy #2, #3, #4, and myself included. I really couldn’t believe it. I honestly didn’t want to fight for her affection at the time because a) I was insecure, b) it was a waste of time, and c) I was extremely pissed after seeing her talk with guy #2. I knew something was up with Diane and guy #2 instantly. Not sure why… but maybe the fact she was smiling so much with him gave it away. Everyone tends to love the foreign exchange students in high school, so maybe that’s where her attraction was. She started dating him, I was initially pissed but for some strange reason, I ended up accepting this sooner or later and I decided to be her ‘friend.” She did end up sticking up for me when my girlfriend at the time (after I heard she was dating someone else, I got a girlfriend a while after) was going to cheat on me with her ex-boyfriend. I guess Diane standing up to my girlfriend facilitated our connection and it was stronger than ever. She stayed very late in the hours of the night that day when she defended me and even went to prom the following day sleep deprived. Fast forward a bit and she ends up cheating on her foreign boyfriend with me. “It’s not cheating if I’m going to break up with him soon” was her justification. So anyways, whatever. We had sex. I didn’t feel particularly bad at the time because this guy was a total douchebag to her. But in hindsight, I shouldn’t have done it. I’m a firm believer in karma and I guess it really did kick my a** in the long run. Anyways, Diane and I start dating on graduation day. Everything I guess you can say was perfect. Until people started asking me why I was with her, and whether I knew her history, etc. Like I said before, I was a pretty naïve kid and didn’t keep tabs on people’s ‘reputations’ in high school. Anyways, I found out she had quite the history of sexual partners and I guess this really shattered my view of her. I started seeing her in a different light and started treating her very poorly. The girl of my dreams wasn’t the girl I thought she was apparently, and it made me make a lot of poor choices. The number of partners she had was very high (the number doesn’t matter) while I had nearly no experience besides Diane and one other. I guess you could say I felt inferior. Where I come from, the man has to be the dominant one. So as you could probably guess, this made me feel threatened and I treated her like absolute sh*t when I found all this out. Not on purpose, but out of irrationality. It is not a pleasant feeling when her ‘friends’, ex-lovers, and other random people start telling me the truth about her. I don’t know if I would have reacted as badly as I did if she would have told me about this up front, but I was too much in love to even think that this girl with an angel face could even do those things. I was shocked really. Fast forward a lot… I ended up proposing to her despite harboring negative feelings about her character. Big mistake. I thought this would make the bad thoughts I had about her go away. Yeah… proposing to a girl doesn’t perform brain surgery to erase what you know about a person. So yeah, I treated Diane, the ‘girl of my dreams’ so to speak like trash for a very long time. Or what seemed to be a very long time, anyway. She was constantly trying to get me to not end our relationship, while I was always being verbally abusive, irrational, and just plain cruel. I never hit her of course, but the things that came out my mouth were not justified. I told her I would never hurt her like the rest of the guys she has been with did, but lo and behold, I became one of the rest. There’s always two sides to a story, however, and while I was very cruel to her, she was also manipulative to me. Or so it seemed like to me anyway. She did things that knew would hurt me but did them anyway (i.e. bring up her ex’s names when I told her not to mention them, kept pictures of them in my view, would sometimes speak to them, etc.). Perhaps to some, my requests for her to not speak to her exs was controlling. I get it, but I told her I couldn’t be in a relationship with her if she didn’t honor my requests. Just knowing that others have held her and have been intimate with her as I have and seeing their pictures infuriated me. To the point that I would lose it. The end of the story ends with her trying to commit suicide and landing herself in the hospital. I make false promises that I will try my best to get over her history in order to ‘save’ our engagement. I went back on my promise and ended our relationship. Hardest relationship I’ve been in. So many highs and wonderful memories, to complete lows and utter despair. It was movie-type perfection at times, with passionate-filled sex and treating each other like there was no tomorrow, to wanting to cry my eyes out because I couldn’t believe the predicament I was in. What are the chances of getting your dream girl and having her be the exact opposite of what you made her out to be? I told myself that I couldn’t be in a relationship with her because of her past. Theoretically, this was the only biggest factor that prevented me from being with her. I think about how long I have been upset about this whole situation and have been keeping resentment for no reason. So I was eighteen then, and I am nearing 21 years of age here soon. So what have I learned? I have learned: · My future wife is probably going to have her imperfections, and I just have to get over that. Although, try and choose a girl that fits my belief system a little bit more. · Even though a girl has slept with a lot of men by my standards, it does not make her a bad person by any means. · When you treat a woman terribly, expect them to treat you ten times worse. · Forgiveness. Genuine forgiveness. · Things cannot be taken back when they are said · It doesn’t matter how nice you once were, If you treat a person badly, they will remember the negative you for the rest of their life. · To not let little things/people get the best of me. (I made a thread on these forums a while back about me ranting about the way my parents raised me. Stupid, I know. But honestly, I don’t know what’s happened. It’s a sense of enlightenment that I can’t really describe. I haven’t had a quarrel with my father in the longest time, and I notice that he tries at times to upset me. Instead of reacting to his comments, I just laugh it off in my mind. I’m sure he’s caught on by now because he hasn’t been trying to make me react.) · People aren’t obliged to forgive you · That I am not perfect, even though I thought I once was. · If your girlfriend has a past and you love her unconditionally, let it be. You don't want to spend your life 'Chasing Amy' so to speak. Note: I asked Diane out today for dinner to apologize face-to-face after not speaking to her since who knows when, and she treated me as I would expect, terrible. However, instead of reacting by saying stupid stuff I tried to apologize over text. I gave her a nice, heartfelt apology. I bet these apologies no longer have any meaning considering I used to apologize a lot for acting the way I did at times. It’s a shame that this time, when I am actually truly remorseful and am completely changed, that my apology means nothing. But that’s life, and you learn from it and move forward. I have learned a lot in these 3 years without Diane, and I wouldn’t be where I am without her. She gave me the desire to be a better me, and to pursue my goals. I wouldn’t be on the career path that I am on today if it wasn’t for her. It may just be my naiveté talking, but I truly believe that. Edited August 11, 2012 by Desensitized
FitChick Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Summarize each paragraph using one sentence and you will get more replies.
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