Mentality of MM that inviting OW to his house party

[MissBee]

I just spent heck of time reading through all 13 pages MounrningLoss' story and replies....guess no further opinion upon as all replied had said so. Also the post is closed (?) and I can't reply anyway.

 

One question, kind of outside the scope of that original post, what mentality of the MM that invites his OW to his house party?

 

The reason I asked is because you guys mentioned that kind MM might be psycho? I was invited to the MM's house party when we just started the A about one month-ish, which means at that time the A was very intense and strong. I expressed my unwilliness going to the MM's house party as for sure my un-comfortableness when facing his wife, but the MM was insisting me going and was very very happy about my attendance after his house party finished. I was just never able to understand, isn't he feeling un-natural that his OW meeting with wife?

 

My exAP wasn't like this. I'm sure he'd do everything to keep us apart and would never try to encourage it. The MM who do...well obviously their psychological reasoning is different. I wouldn't say they are psychopaths, but people have As for different reasons, people have different kinds of issues and get their rocks off in different ways- so I imagine the kind of MM that has the OW hiding in plain sight, so to speak, where they invite her to the house with his family or even has sex with her in his home in him and his wife's bed etc...are clearly doing more and it is a bit sick IMO.

[bingosmom]

Parading the OW under the W nose is bad. Sleeping in the marital bed with the OW is bad as well. As the OW, I am VERY uncomfortable with the thought of meeting his SO. He is no doubt getting a rush from bringing her into his W's presence and getting away with it.

[Mount]

I was not comfortable presenting myself in the party as well, but because he insisted, also everyone else knew I should have joined as well before A started, at the end I went anway but I am still not understanding his motive. If I were the MM and I would agree with my OW that her not attending was good idea.

 

Also I never understand why MM would want OW sleeping on their marriage bed kind of thing.

 

 

Parading the OW under the W nose is bad. Sleeping in the marital bed with the OW is bad as well. As the OW, I am VERY uncomfortable with the thought of meeting his SO. He is no doubt getting a rush from bringing her into his W's presence and getting away with it.

[SoMovinOn]

I notice several replies talking about how terrible and evil it is. Perhaps in some situations it is. Perhaps some people do it for the thrill of doing something under someone's nose. I'm sure that's not always the case, and there are likely many reasons why it happens.

 

I imagine at least some of the impression of "evil" comes from the misguided belief the BS is a wonderful, loving, charming, innocent victim.

 

I can speak to my situation, where that is clearly not the case. When she and I initially became involved, I did not want to spend any time with her H, or get close to him in any way. Over time, that didn't work so well. He knew she and I were friends and had a past together. Logically, if she and I are friends, why wouldn't the three of us hang out? It would seem suspicious if we didn't.

 

So, I did begin to spend some time with them. He and I have a lot of common interests, so he wanted to spend more time with me. Again, it's not what I'd choose, but, to continually come up with excuses to shoot him down might raise suspicion.

 

It is something I find very difficult to do, not so much because it makes me feel "evil" or anything, but because I despise him for the way he treats her. He's mean, controlling and verbally abusive, to say the least. I'd love nothing more than to make him feel every bit of pain he's ever made her feel, but that's not an option.

 

However, hanging out with them does give me the opportunity to make guy friend comments when he says or does something in front of me. Just a "Damn dude, I can't believe you'd treat her like that!" type thing. On a few occasions, it's gotten a bit more (more like "You'd better shut up and relax. I can help you do both if needed").

 

In any event, it's nothing I enjoy (although I do enjoy the time spent with her). I'd much prefer she just leave (whether she ends up with me or not).

[alexandria35]

I don't understand how some cheating men can hide under the skirt of the MOW and act like a mere friend of the family. It would seem to me the MOW has them under some spell.

 

In open daylight relationships a man would never want to hang out with the other guy that is f****ing his GF and pretend he likes him. However, men having a relationship with MOW must accept the parameters imposed by MOW and that may involve pretending to be a friend of the family.

 

I am trying to determine if hanging out with the husband is an act of valor, cowardice, or just extreme neediness. I suggest you seek counseling.

 

I agree. If I were married and cheating on my husband, I don't think I could ever really fall in love with my affair partner because I don't think I could ever respect him for accepting that his gf is living and sleeping with another man. To see him hanging out and buddying up with my husband would only further lower my opinion of him. Perhaps this sounds sexist, but it just doesn't seem very manly to me.

[Silly_Girl]

Mr. Messy and OW discussed how they would parent together also.

 

This. Goodness, there but for the grace of God.... I know I'd not have been involved with a Dad but even so, I bet that's hard to swallow....

[whichwayisup]

It is something I find very difficult to do, not so much because it makes me feel "evil" or anything, but because I despise him for the way he treats her. He's mean, controlling and verbally abusive, to say the least. I'd love nothing more than to make him feel every bit of pain he's ever made her feel, but that's not an option.

 

Yet you put up with her choosing to stay married to him. She KNOWS how he is, what an abusive, (verbally) mean, controlling person he is and she hasn't balked on leaving and divorcing him. You can't or won't see that you ARE keeping her in that marriage. You supply 'the good' for her so she can still have his income/insurance/their house, lifestyle. It can't be that bad if she is staying. Or she's extremely broken inside to continue on like this..Knowing he is abusive and she's having an affair right under his nose .... You know where I'm going with this.

 

Anyway, whether or not he is infact abusive or if she is exaggerating this for your sake (have you actually seen it firsthand? if so, THERE'S your reason NOT to be his 'so called' friend for her sake and to keep up the guise of a platonic friendship for him so he won't be suspicious. If he asks why you aren't around she can just tell him " he thinks you treat me badly and he doesn't want to be around you anymore." or something like..) it still doesn't justify what she is doing to him, and you pretending to 'like' him and be his friend. Sorry but that's low and devious.

[Mount]

Again, I guess my post turns to be other poster's topic discussion.:o

 

Yet you put up with her choosing to stay married to him. She KNOWS how he is, what an abusive, (verbally) mean, controlling person he is and she hasn't balked on leaving and divorcing him. You can't or won't see that you ARE keeping her in that marriage. You supply 'the good' for her so she can still have his income/insurance/their house, lifestyle. It can't be that bad if she is staying. Or she's extremely broken inside to continue on like this..Knowing he is abusive and she's having an affair right under his nose .... You know where I'm going with this.

 

Anyway, whether or not he is infact abusive or if she is exaggerating this for your sake (have you actually seen it firsthand? if so, THERE'S your reason NOT to be his 'so called' friend for her sake and to keep up the guise of a platonic friendship for him so he won't be suspicious. If he asks why you aren't around she can just tell him " he thinks you treat me badly and he doesn't want to be around you anymore." or something like..) it still doesn't justify what she is doing to him, and you pretending to 'like' him and be his friend. Sorry but that's low and devious.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry Mount..:(

[goodthingscome]

OpenBook, I think I love you. You have written what I couldn't get out/across. Very well said....

 

 

I've always held the belief that the very act of an MM's cheating is a manifestation of extreme anger (even hatred?) toward the W, built up from little resentments that have slowly percolated over time in the M. To see a MM wanting to parade an OW in front of his W (without her knowing about it) doesn't surprise me. It's part of his "Secret Revenge" fantasy against the W.

 

I'm a big believer in "familiarity breeds contempt" - it's part of human nature, and it would happen in the M no matter who the MM was married to. He happened to pick cheating as the release valve. Others might choose mental/physical abuse of their S. Still others stay away from home as much as possible, immersing themselves in sports & hobbies.

 

There's a fine line between love and hate, and that line gets thinner and thinner as the M wears on. For the most part, inside a M (esp. a long-term one) is not a mentally healthy place to be.

[Mount]

I disagree, you are totally so wrong. I am not saying I was being dragged into his house, but I did express my concern before the party and wanted not to go.

 

And I never mentioned any bad thing about the relationship between the MM's wife and MM, apparently I think their marriage is ok (after 35 y/rs). However through a few times that the MM did complain about his wife, I sensed the motive of the MM might be about revenge, but i am not going to jump to the conclusion anway.

 

 

 

No. The point remains the same. You cannot see why it is very poor form for you to attend a party with the betrayed W. Same issue with this man who has to act as a friend to the betrayed H. The two of you are identical and somehow cannot see the issue.

 

The question is why do you have to ask the question The mere fact that you cannot see the answer is a true mystery. However, this man thinks the way you do.

[OpenBook]

OpenBook, I think I love you. You have written what I couldn't get out/across. Very well said....

 

Frankly I'm baffled by the response. So many married people have disagreed (rather - um, vehemently!) whenever I express this view of M.

 

The OP apparently doesn't think too much of it either, she hasn't commented on it yet. Do you think I'm way off-base here with your situation, Mount?

[woinlove]

Frankly I'm baffled by the response. So many married people have disagreed (rather - um, vehemently!) whenever I express this view of M.

 

I can't relate to what you write about M from my own experience, but perhaps it applies to the M of a person who is unhappy or emotionally unhealthy on their own. I could see under those conditions, that the M could be even worse than them being on them own. I do believe that for an unhappy person, M will not make one happy over the long term, although it may seem like a fix in the short term.

 

But for people who are happy on their own, M can bring even more richness and depth to that happiness, and just get better with the passing years.

[mercy]

I can't relate to what you write about M from my own experience, but perhaps it applies to the M of a person who is unhappy or emotionally unhealthy on their own. I could see under those conditions, that the M could be even worse than them being on them own. I do believe that for an unhappy person, M will not make one happy over the long term, although it may seem like a fix in the short term.

 

But for people who are happy on their own, M can bring even more richness and depth to that happiness, and just get better with the passing years.

 

Beautiful words in bold.

[alexandria35]

Frankly I'm baffled by the response. So many married people have disagreed (rather - um, vehemently!) whenever I express this view of M.

 

The OP apparently doesn't think too much of it either, she hasn't commented on it yet. Do you think I'm way off-base here with your situation, Mount?

 

I think your view is a valid one but I don't think it applys to every affair. There are many cheaters who haven't even been married long enough to build up that many resentments or grievances. It's not uncommon for an affair to happen very early on in the marriage. I think for a lot of cheaters its no more than a feeling of entitlement.

[Happyface]

:eek:Not at all, didn't you feel the tone from my question that I feel it was very strange for me to understand the motive.

 

Just like if we steal sth, or do bad things, shouldn't we hide it by human nature?

 

MOunt.. apologies to you. It was addressed to another poster who DOES socialise with her MM and his W.

 

No offence intended.. I agree with your point of view.

 

Happyface

[Mount]

Yes the MM did say all the time, that he wants to share everything with me of his house, but just don't know how. So guess he was just not thinking.

 

 

I'd be uncomfortable going to a party like this and I'd not go, but that's my opinion. I'd also never sleep in their bed, hang out in their house, etc.

An alternative perspective is that he just isn't THINKING. He is so giddy/excited/thrilled with you that he wants to be around you and share everything with you. My MM once wanted me to accompany him to a wedding. Um. No. Not appropriate, although I'd have loved to under different circumstances.

 

What it means in regards to her might never have entered into it. He just, like many other situations, never gave her a second thought because that isn't where his mind is.

[Birdgirl25]

MOunt.. apologies to you. It was addressed to another poster who DOES socialise with her MM and his W.

 

No offence intended.. I agree with your point of view.

 

Happyface

 

I'm assuming that comment was meant for me. I never once said I was proud. However, being the OW who does love her MM, I like knowing that he wants me around all the time. Judge away.

[Birdgirl25]

You are a bit of a religious person. If you are sleeping with the guy doing it in the marital bed or in any other bed is a moot point. I never understood this pious reasoning by some OWs.

 

Think about it. Why do you think this way? Why selectively apply the golden rule only to the marital bed. I thought the golden rule was universal.

 

Perhaps, it's a way for the OW to keep herself separate from the W in the mind of the MM... I think for the W it would be the ultimate insult.

[Mount]

Pierre, might be it is kind of women thing - we would never try on other women's favorite clothe....at least me NOT, no particular reason, hygiene, personal taste, style...whatever. Hope you can understand.

[MourningLosses]

Pierre, might be it is kind of women thing - we would never try on other women's favorite clothe....at least me NOT, no particular reason, hygiene, personal taste, style...whatever. Hope you can understand.

 

 

I agree. But the wife and I are chalk and cheese. She is short and obese and I am tall and slender, a bit too slender some would say. She dresses like a dowdy mom and I have my own personal style. We are actually close in age though.

 

I noticed on her Facebook page that she dyed her hair blonde like mine after she found out about the affair. Funny, just before that I had dyed my hair auburn.

 

It disturbs me that she copied what she knew was my natural hair color. Like she was trying to be more like me to please him. So it goes both ways- I don't think the OW or the wife should invade each other's space.

[Birdgirl25]

That's what gets tossed around over on infidelity. That it's the ultimate insult. I've never actually understood that either, why that would be so different than if he sleeps in my bed, but I really just don't want to sleep in her bed. I'm not big on hotel beds either. I like my own spaces.

 

Just offering it as a suggestion... Yes, I like my own space, too. I think it adds excitement for my MM when we fool around in their shared space.

[Birdgirl25]

Pierre, might be it is kind of women thing - we would never try on other women's favorite clothe....at least me NOT, no particular reason, hygiene, personal taste, style...whatever. Hope you can understand.

 

Exactly. It's like wearing the same perfume. We want to be distinct.

[OpenBook]

Obviously, it takes two to have a crappy marriage. :laugh:

 

Agreed. But I don't find it funny. No offense.

[MourningLosses]

Some of the things you postsjust make me sit back and my mouth falls open, lol.

 

The above is another one.

 

So you don't think either one should invade the other's space uh? lol

 

Exactly what do you think you did by dating her husband? Don't you think that might have been a tad bit invasive? Hell I'm a xow and I sure wasn't under any illusions that she wouldn't think I was invading her space, I knew I was.

 

I like you LadyG but why is t so hard to understand? Is friendship with someone of the opposite sex invading her space? Because that's what we were for a year before he admitted finally he had feelings for me too.

 

I guess I feel like yes, she's his wife and she has children with him do she deserved more than me but did I really deserve nothing? Not even 5%? I don't see that as invading her space. He was my friend so unless she is some kind of domineering mother of an errant teen why would she feel threatened by that? He was living with her still. He was getting up wary even after fights about me just to help her get ready for work! Why she needed that is beyond me. I have a child too but have managed to work as a single mom.

 

I stayed out of her space and didn't talk to her friends about her or invocw anyone else in the relationship. I never went to their house. I never emailed her even when she sent me things that seemed out of kindness to "one of his students" as she saw me. I stayed away from her and I'd definitely never copy her.