Not sure ...

[bingosmom]

I don't know where to start. I have been having an affair with an ex for about four months...but we had been flirting via Facebook and meeting for lunches since January. Both of us are involved in long term relationships; I have been with my partner for more than twenty years, he is living with his fiancee of two years. (He was widowed about nine years ago...and said he had been trying to find me once he got over the shock of losing his wife suddenly; he was just scared that I was married or otherwise committed and did not want to mess up my life.)

 

I know it isn't very likely that he will leave his fiance for me; I'm not stupid. But, we were each others "one who got away." And, I have come to realize that I was in love with him back then; I ran away from the relationship because the intensity of my feelings freaked me out.

 

Even though I have been, until the last couple of years, happy with my partner, and my lover was faithful to his wife, it's obvious that both of us are not fulfilled in our relationships now. (BTW, the sex is fabulous...just like it was when were dating each other in our 20's.) I do think we ended up sleeping together now because our respective partners were not satisfying us sexually any longer. So sex does play a very large part in our relationship, I won't hide that.

 

The thing is, I am in love with him, and I believe he is in love with me. (He did use the phrase "part of the reason why I love you" in a FB message last week...the ONLY time he has said "I love you.") I have not actually SAID "I love you" to him...though I did call him "my love" in the FB response, and I'm quite sure I have given away my feelings for him non-verbally.

 

Here's my question...do I take the bull by the horns and tell him how I feel the next time we are together? Or do I wait until he says "I love you" to my face?

 

Since I have never been "the other woman" EVER, I'm just not very sure how to handle this situation...

 

And, yes, if we do end up together, we will have some trust issues to contend with; we have proven ourselves to be unfaithful partners.

 

[sad puppy]

Be prepared for a rough and rocky road. And, btw, "part of the reason I love you" is something I have said to friends. It never meant I was terminating my primary relationship. I believe that is quite different than - I love you, want to end my engagement, and marry you after you divorce. Think about it and step carefully. Sounds like trouble is ahead.

 

When I was in my affair, there was no protocol as to when to say I love you, I just did. And it was fine. So, say it, see what he says. Surely, it won't come as a surprise to him. But what you really want to know is if he will break off the engagement to be with you. That, is an entirely different matter altogether.

 

But you might as well get the ball rolling to see where you stand.

[bingosmom]

I know it's going to be a rough and rocky road. I really don't want to hurt my partner; he is a good kind man, and I love him...though I'm not "in love" with him any longer. And, yes, I do want to know if my "fling" is going to end his engagement. But, that is a decision only he and she can make. I dare not say a word about it.

 

While I know I'm only going to hear about the bad part of their relationship, I can tell that his fiance is a hot mess. She's been engaged to at least 10 different men, and never been married. (She's in her early 40's and is the victim of child abuse and a stranger rape survivor, so she has reason to be a hot mess.) So, logic tells me that she will move on to someone else when she finds someone better. And, from what little I have seen about her on FB (no, I am not her FB friend, and I do not intend to but her profile is completely public so I have found out a lot about her), she appears to be pretty self absorbed and selfish. HE has said it's a wonderful thing to see her "self actualize" and that he doesn't want to f**k it up...but that sometimes pushing someone out of the nest is what they need to finish the process. So it sounds like he is THINKING about leaving her. But, I do think it's 50/50.

[Silly_Girl]

Did you plan to leave your husband before you reconnected with your ex? If so, why hasn't it happened yet?

[bingosmom]

HE and I are not married...we've "dated" for nearly 23 years. And, yes, I was already thinking about breaking up with him before the ex and I reconnected.

 

It hasn't happened yet for a WHOLE LOT of reasons.

 

I've had a very emotionally trying year; my mother passed away last fall, then I lost my job. The relationship with my current started to go south around the holidays, and then the ex re-entered my life. So I"ve been trying to get through the grief of losing my mother and not make any other major emotional decisions. That's a little too much change in too short a time. That's why I'm being very cautious with my lover...

[alexandria35]

I know it isn't very likely that he will leave his fiance for me; I'm not stupid. But, we were each others "one who got away." And, I have come to realize that I was in love with him back then; I ran away from the relationship because the intensity of my feelings freaked me out.

 

How does one suddenly realize that they actually loved a person many years ago but they didn't know it at the time they were actually with this person? I can't understand that. I know who I love and who I don't love, I've never been confused about that, not even when I was silly teenager. I think you think this because your wanting to rewrite history and further romanticize the affair. I think if you hadn't started an affair with this guy you would still be blissfully unaware that you were actually in love with him 20 years ago.

 

I do think you should take the bull by the horns, especially when it comes to dealing with your own situation. You've been with someone for 20 years and now you are cheating on him. What are you going to do about that? If your current relationship is unsatisfying to the point that you feel the need to cheat then that relationship needs to end and you should be working on that regardless of what your affair partner is doing. Why speculate about whats going on in his relationship when you are doing nothing to resolve your own problems? Your a grown woman right? You don't need a man waiting in the wings for you before you can be an adult and end your current relationship on your own right? I mean surely you don't need to run from one man to the next do you?

 

Stop focusing on the OM and figure out what you're going to do with your life. It doesn't matter weather the OM loves you or not. You are doing wrong to your own partner and you need to make that right and set him free, even if that means standing on your own two feet for a while, without a man.

 

"one of the things I love about...." is no where near the same as saying "I love you" I say 'one of thing I love about" in regards to a lot of people and things. As in "one of the things I love about my job is the benefits" "one of things I love about my car is its' cheap on gas", "one of the things I love about my manager is her sense of humor" ....you get the picture. The words are just a lead in to saying something positive about something or someone.

[bingosmom]

LadyGrey, I think you are quite right; I believe he does have some codependency issues. I think he likes to be needed and he likes to fix people But I can see that this relationship is wearing on him. He is tired all the time, and he SAYS there is very little sex. So someone in that relationship is witholding...not sure whether it is him or her.

 

From what he has told me, he does like to being in relationships. But, he says he really doesn't think marriage is a necessary institution these days. (Mainly just for legal reasons.)

 

That is part of what confuses me...if he really doesn't believe in marriage, why get engaged at all? Sounds to me like he is spouting off her beliefs and not his. And, if they do marry, it will be just to get her on is health insurance. (She also has a bunch of health issues as well.) I did tell him that not a good reason to get married...he really did need to be sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her...not be her way to pay medical bills.

[Tenacity]

I would just tell you that you should try not to psychoanalyze words or phrases from him that contain the word "love". His saying "what I love about you" is meaningless.

 

Honestly, my MM said "I love you" to me a million times while we were together, in three different languages and in song and poetry as well. "I love only you". "I love you more than I ever loved my wife". "I wish I could describe how much I love you". It was all so romantic and touching. I thought it meant everything. Well, here I am, a few years later, and he is still loving his wife.

 

Please resist the temptation to read things into meaningless words. They are easy to say, but the only thing that matters in the end are the actions that back them up.

[bingosmom]

Alexandra, I was a very innocent and sheltered girl when I was first involved with my ex. I had never been in love before, I did not expect the sheer tidal wave of feelings; I was a coward and ran. I did not want to admit to myself that I was cowardly, since I am normally pretty straightforward and not afraid to take on anything. But, I do think that was why I didn't forget about him.

 

And, I have tried to fix my primary relationship. Even though he is basically a good, kind man, when I try to talk with my partner about my issues with our relationship, he tells me I am wrong and foolish to feel that way, which, as you can imagine, totally infuriates me, and just drives me further away emotionally. I haven't ended my primary relationship yet because the timing doesn't feel right. . It's not because I'm afraid to be alone, though it may sound like it. I also think with all the emotional turmoil I have been through the last year, I want to THINK things through logically and not make a decision based solely on emotion.

[bingosmom]

And, Tenacity, I am waiting for the actions to back up the words. Call me old fashioned, but "I Love You" should be said face to face...not in a Facebook private message.

 

I do have a tendency to over analyze words; I am a writer by profession, so I do parse words and sentences...

[alexandria35]

I think LadyGrey is hitting the mark.

 

Look, judging by your timeline I'm guessing your MM is somewhere around 50 years old right? Shouldn't he be a man by now? Isn't he a little old to be spouting someone elses beliefs? If he is this age and still being led around by a woman then he is a lost cause.

 

Also he is no knight in shining armor to his fiance, although he likes to see it that way and he has you believing it. If her history of abuse and rape is true then hasn't he just become another in a long line of people who misled her and f**Ked her over? If he really wanted to be a true helpful friend to her he would give her enough respect to be honest and truthful with her. He doesn't have kids with her, he's only been with her for a couple of years. There is no excuse for him not to be upfront with her and end the relationship with her with some dignity and class, instead of becoming a sneaky deceitful liar. You say the poor baby is tired and his relationship is wearing on him? LOL..well that's his own doing now isn't it? If he was a real man he wouldn't be behaving this way. Whatever he says about her should be taken with a grain of salt however because he is the one who is cheating and deceiving.

 

I'm thinking that I'm close in age to you and your MM and I'm sorry but I do hold people our age to a higher standard. I understand coming out of a messed up childhood and then spending our young adulthoods just being generally messed up and having messed up relationships, being confused about who we are and determining right from wrong. However I expect that at some point most people become emotionally mature and self aware and their lives reflect this. I don't understand middle aged people who are still cheating and lying and living drama filled lives and who are still blaming their bad behaviour on other people or circumstances. I tend to think these people are severely emotionally stunted.

[bingosmom]

LadyGrey and Alexandra,

 

Logically, I know both of you are right. I see the disconnect between his words and his actions. And, yes, he was/is quite a player. He has been pretty straightforward with me about that, so I know this isn't the first time he has been the OM in a relationship. Believe me, I am kinda skeptical of his reasoning.

 

And, emotionally, I am a hot mess right now myself. That is probably part of the attraction I have for him. I think he does like to find women he can "save." (You may be seeing as preying on vulnerabilities, however.)

 

I think he does it out of guilt; his wife died very suddenly in her sleep. I think he still feels guilty that he did not do enough to protect her. (I did call him on that...and I think it surprised him when I did. I have no doubt in mind he had never thought of it that way.) I do believe he loved his wife very deeply, and is still hurting from her death. Thus the womanizing. I think he wants to be married, but, has chosen a woman who WILL NOT marry him. Her history indicates that. Thus he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

I really am not trying to deceive myself about him; I am trying to be as clear headed about this situation as possible. I know I need to get my poop in a pile with my partner. I also know that when we started this affair I went into it knowing that it would get messy and rough. And that I would end up getting hurt. But I really couldn't go the rest of my life wondering "what if".

 

You ladies have given me lot to think about. I do take a kinder view of him, because of my emotional involvement. I also know that he was faithful to his wife...and if I had found him still married to her, I would not have made a move in his direction at all. In fact, I pursued him quite hard when I sensed his discontent with his fiancee. So I, in essence, seduced him why he seduced me. I have to be very honest about that. Because he did resist my overtures for months. We are both equally guilty in this situation. I know that...and he does as well.

[sad puppy]

So let me get this straight, he's a womanizer, you know he's cheated before, but you said earlier that you both are "long lost loves" or the ones that "got away". Hmmmmmm??? Really? You think this is some life long romance where he's been pining away for you yet you're the one that went after him? Hmmm. Doesn't sound like a once in a lifetime love to me. He just sounds like a cheating liar and you fell for it.

[bingosmom]

Ladies, I know I sound like a total idiot. On paper, that is exactly how he reads, a liar and a cheat who cunningly manipulated me into an affair when I was vulnerable. And, I know that it sounds like I am justifying my bad behavior by romanticizing our past relationship and saying he was a long lost love.

 

And, no, I do not think he was pining away for me for more than 20 years. He was happily married and faithful to his wife for 12 years.(There was a fiancee between me and the woman he did marry. He broke if off with her because she was bipolar and far too difficult for him to live with.) Now, I'm not saying that he didn't THINK about other women while he was married. That's only human and men are pigs when it comes to sex.

 

Let's face it, we are all on this thread because we have been the OW. Plus, it is easier to see the mistakes someone else is making, and that is why I am glad that you have all reminded me of what I was thinking when all of this began back in January.

 

Now that I have fallen for this guy AGAIN it's not easy to walk away. It was damn hard to do 23 years ago...and I felt like I was making a mistake back then. I know it isn't logical for me to stay involved with him. I just know that I have to see this through...whatever the ending may be.

[bingosmom]

And, I know his wife is dead...I read her obit. One of the first things I did when we got back in contact. I did know her before he and she got married. And to be honest, we did not like each other at all. Not because of him. I was seeing a friend of hers, and she did not like it at all...and made it very obvious she didn't like it.

 

I know that while I'm putting my life back together, it is foolish to make big decisions. And I know I am acting irrationally, and that he is as well. And, I know all of you are going to roll your eyes when you read this, but I can tell that he is telling me the truth about most of this stuff. And, when we are together sexually, it isn't just f**king. There is a connection there that can't be faked...on either side.d

[bingosmom]

You are right about my parsing his words. And you are correct about getting my life in order.

 

While I haven't explained all of the issues with my primary partner, they are quite significant. And, I have tried to work them out...to no avail. The question I need to answer is this: If I break up with my long time boyfriend, am I okay with NOT landing the OM? And that is a question I cannot answer on this thread. That is a question that I cannot have a friend answer for me. I am the only one who can figure this out. And, I may have an answer in 2 days or 2 months.

 

I know you all see him as a lying, cheating bastard. And, if it were a girlfriend of mine talking to me about this, I would say the same thing as you. But, I do think affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the primary relationships. All I know is when I am with my lover, I am happier than I am with my official boyfriend. I also know that if I break up with my boyfriend, my lover will take that as a HUGE sign that I am officially available, which will force a decision on his part.

 

My lover and do see each other in non-sexual contexts more than we do for sex. (the complete opposite of our first time around...then we couldn't keep our hands off each other.) I know you think I am deceiving myself; I do realize that I am pinning my hopes on us being together officially if I let my primary relationship end. I do think my OM is very carefully thinking things over and is asking himself the same questions I am.

[alexandria35]

You are right about my parsing his words. And you are correct about getting my life in order.

 

While I haven't explained all of the issues with my primary partner, they are quite significant. And, I have tried to work them out...to no avail. The question I need to answer is this: If I break up with my long time boyfriend, am I okay with NOT landing the OM? And that is a question I cannot answer on this thread. That is a question that I cannot have a friend answer for me. I am the only one who can figure this out. And, I may have an answer in 2 days or 2 months.

 

I know you all see him as a lying, cheating bastard. And, if it were a girlfriend of mine talking to me about this, I would say the same thing as you. But, I do think affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the primary relationships. All I know is when I am with my lover, I am happier than I am with my official boyfriend. I also know that if I break up with my boyfriend, my lover will take that as a HUGE sign that I am officially available, which will force a decision on his part.

 

My lover and do see each other in non-sexual contexts more than we do for sex. (the complete opposite of our first time around...then we couldn't keep our hands off each other.) I know you think I am deceiving myself; I do realize that I am pinning my hopes on us being together officially if I let my primary relationship end. I do think my OM is very carefully thinking things over and is asking himself the same questions I am.

 

I do not think that affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the primary relationships. All longterm relationships have something wrong with them as no relationship is perfect and no one person can be everything for another person. If something missing in the primary relationship is a reason to cheat then we should all get out there and start cheating because I can assure you that nobody is 100% happy and satisfied in a relationship that has gone on for years. I have a long list of characteristics I would like my SO to have and I have never met a single person who embodies all of the qualities on my wishlist. I may think they have it all when the relationship is new and I'm falling in love. But as time goes by and I really get to know that person inside and out their shortcomings become apparent. When we truly love somebody we accept their flaws, just as they accept ours.

 

The thing I most often see cheaters say is that they love their SO, they just aren't in love with them. What that means to me is that the cheater is currently enjoying the passion and excitement of the new relationship. They are experiencing the heady feeling of getting to know a new person and falling in love and then they blame their partner for not being able to give them those same feelings. The most exciting time of any relationship is at the beginning when there is infatuation, desire, daydreaming of the future, etc. Of course the betrayed partner cannot compete with the excitement of a new relationship. While the cheater is floating along on their cloud of happiness they look at their longterm partner and think "look at him. Sitting there watching tv after his day at work, like he always has for years! Hmmph!! doesn't he know there is more to life then this?" (because people falling in love always think they have discovered the secret to happiness) Then the cheater goes on to believe that the elements missing in their current relationship is what caused them to go out and cheat, as if all longterm relationships don't have missing elements and problems.

 

So you have problems in your primary relationship. If you wind up with your MM don't you think that relationship would have some problems too. Do you really believe that after 5 or 10 years with the MM you would still be as overjoyed at the mere sight of him as you are now? No you won't and that's why seeking personal happiness from someone else never works. That's why it's never a good idea to leave a relationship just for the sake of being with someone else, because the someone else will eventually become a bore with problems too. I don't understand women who think their only key to happiness is to find a man to make them happy. It just seems so small minded and lacking in depth. If you truly don't love your bf then by all means, do end it with him, even if that means you have to be alone and single. Don't selfishly keep him hostage in relationship where he isn't loved just so you can avoid being a grown up and standing on your own. Since you are enjoying chasing your dream of being with another man then set your partner free to chase his dreams. I'm sure there are some things he would like to do if he were single and it's not fair that he isn't being given the same freedom that you are taking.

[jwi71]

While I haven't explained all of the issues with my primary partner, they are quite significant. And, I have tried to work them out...to no avail.

 

Fair enough...sometimes what is broken cannot be fixed.

And seeing as this appears to be the case...time for you to leave regardless of what your OM does.

 

As you are no doubt beginning to discover...being the OW is soul-draining.

Which isn't helping you at all.

 

The question I need to answer is this: If I break up with my long time boyfriend, am I okay with NOT landing the OM? And that is a question I cannot answer on this thread. That is a question that I cannot have a friend answer for me. I am the only one who can figure this out. And, I may have an answer in 2 days or 2 months.

 

Incorrect. The OM, at this juncture, is secondary.

Your number one priority is extracting yourself from your current BF. These thoughts of the OM serve only to obfuscate your mind.

 

Number one, get out.

Number two, adjust/heal to this new life.

Number three, find happiness (note I did not say OM or man or another BF)

 

I know you all see him as a lying, cheating bastard. And, if it were a girlfriend of mine talking to me about this, I would say the same thing as you.

 

Without being mean...he is seen that way because he is acting that way. If one does not wish to be viewed as such - don't give that impression.

 

But, I do think affairs are a symptom of something wrong in the primary relationships.

 

I will have to strongly disagree.

An A is a symptom within the WS and has almost nothing to do with the BS.

If the WS is unhappy with <whatever> then it is the WS's responsibility to discuss and "fix" it with the BS. I have yet to understand how an A "fixes" the issue with the BS - doubly so when the WS fails to leave the R...for reason <whatever>.

 

All I know is when I am with my lover, I am happier than I am with my official boyfriend. I also know that if I break up with my boyfriend, my lover will take that as a HUGE sign that I am officially available, which will force a decision on his part.

 

This is a wild assumption.

And a dangerous one...do you really want to be with anyone who only jumps AFTER you do?

If its what you truly want, the both of you, then it should be easy...but it isn't. You are afraid to leave because then your OM might not...he fears teh same. Does that sound like love to you?

 

My lover and do see each other in non-sexual contexts more than we do for sex. (the complete opposite of our first time around...then we couldn't keep our hands off each other.) I know you think I am deceiving myself; I do realize that I am pinning my hopes on us being together officially if I let my primary relationship end. I do think my OM is very carefully thinking things over and is asking himself the same questions I am.

 

He is. No doubt.

Lucky for you, there's a simple answer.

Meet him and hammer out a plan to move forward.

He breaks off the engagement and you sever your R with your BF.

Now...who goes first? (shouldn't be an issue right.....)

[bingosmom]

Okay, first, I phrased myself badly...an A is an EXCUSE to end a R that isn't working.

 

Second, all R's take work and go through phases. I don't expect fireworks and flowers all the time. That is patently unreasonable. Real life does take hold, and can sap all the energy out of a relationship. Those feel good endorphins that help you fall in love do go away...and hopefully the passion is replaced by a deeper, more meaningful feeling.

 

Now, I have said there are some major issues that I really don't think my SO is willing to work on. Let me explain the situation without divulging a lot of detail.

 

We have never lived together. We have spent our weekends together and taken vacations together. Both of us were caregivers to our parents. (or caregiver to a caregiver in my case) When his mom and my father passed away, we did have a five year window where we could have married...but instead we drifted along and maintained the status quo. BOTH of us were okay with this. Once my mother got sick, I had to care for her. (She just passed away last fall.) But, last spring, I told him I really didn't think Mom had much time left, and he and I needed to decide what we were going to do. And, I outlined what I needed to see from him to let me know that he was ready to fully involve me in his life. (IE, make room in his home, make sure his job was stable, and that he deal with some health issues.) He has not made any real effort to deal with any of those issues, except the most minor of the health issues.

 

After my mother passed away, we had a knock down, drag out fight over my family...he basically said I had to choose between them and him. I informed him in no uncertain terms that he would not like the choice I would make. (This was all occurring during the holidays...and before I reconnected with my now lover.)

 

We had a good New Year, and I thought we were getting back on track.

 

Now, before I tell this story, I will say that my SO doesn't like to perform oral sex on me...but I am expected to perform on him. After years of this, I finally told him, no bjs for him if he didn't return the favor every now and then.

 

Now, right before Valentine's Day, he did perform return the favor...then promptly hopped out of bed, and began to vigorously brush his teeth and rinse his mouth out with hydrogen peroxide...saying he hoped I did not give him anything! Needless to say, I was very hurt, and this incident caused me to move away from him emotionally. (By this time, my OM and I had reconnected and were seeing each other for lunch on a weekly basis, and were chatting daily on Facebook. No cybering or sexting. In fact, the OM had point blank said he was not going to cheat on his fiancee. No matter how tempted he was...and that he was very tempted.)

 

A couple of weeks later, when I talked with my SO about the "incident" and how it made me feel, he basically said I was wrong to feel that way. Now, feelings are feelings...neither wrong or right...they need to be acknowledged and accepted. You do not need to be told that you are stupid to feel that way.

 

Again, as you can imagine, I was hurt and angry, and told him so. I also said that he really had not followed through on our discussion from the previous spring, and that I really did not see us living together or getting married.

 

So, I have been pushing my SO to make these changes, and he refuses.

 

Shortly after this is when my OM and I began sleeping together. Our weekly lunches are now usually twice a week, and we manage to sleep together every couple of weeks.

 

So while I need to screw up my courage and let my SO go, this is a situation that has been brewing for more than a year. So, I can say I did try to save the relationship. And that is why I say I have to be sure I'm okay with the very real chance that I will be alone and not have a man in my life. the other option is to give it one more try.

 

I don't need a man to feel validated. I have a good job I enjoy and plenty of friends. I am a very independent minded woman. But it is hard to walk away from 23 year relationship...

[alexandria35]

Your situation is unusual in that you have basically been dating the same person for 23 years. Why do you think it is that the two of you have been okay with this arrangement for so many years? Perhaps you and he are commitmentphobes or have a fear of initimacy. If so then it's no surprise that you are not attaching yourself to yet another man who is essentially unavailable. How do you think you would fare in a full time relationship where you lived together? Woke up every day together and went to bed every night together? You might find this very difficult if you have had your own place for your entire adult life.

 

In any case need to make a choice about your future and then you need to follow through on it. If your issues with your bf are deal breakers for you then please break up with him. Yes I know it's hard to end a relationship of 23 years but since you don't even live with him, it will be much easier for you than it is for a MW who has children, finances, homes, etc tying her to her marriage. You can basically just walk away. You said staying with him and working it out might be another option. Well if you go that route then you must stop seing the OM right away. It's not fair or right for you to keep holding on to both of them and you can't truly work on your relationship as long as theres a 3rd person in the picture.

 

When I ended my last longterm relationship I was devastated. We were together for eight years. I lived with him and I did go to bed with him every night and wake up with him every morning. He was a huge part of my daily life so when I walked away I felt a terrible heartbreaking loss. I didn't have another man waiting for me and I was very sad and lonely sometimes. Still I never in a million years would have ever considered finding and fostering a relationship with a new man while still with my ex. Our eight years together deserved more honesty, respect and dignity than to end it that way. I have never done that at the end of any of my relationships and I just don't understand what would make anyone think they have the right to use either their ex or their new love interest in such a way.

 

You can shout from the rooftops that you are independant and don't need a man for validation but your actions say something else. A truly independant woman simply does not hold onto to one man and refuse to let go until until she has another man to hang onto. You yourself have stated that you have a fear of letting your bf go and then having no man in your life. I say the more afraid a woman is of being without a man the more that woman needs to spend a few years being without a man. Real maturity and strength comes from facing your fears and overcoming them. When you find your peace and happiness within you won't have the time or patience to spend on a relationship filled with lies and deceit.

[bingosmom]

Well, my SO is definitely a commitmentphobe. He honestly has a very hard time committing himself to a daily schedule, much less a person. I'm not afraid of commitment. In fact, for years, I WANTED to marry him, I WANTED to wake up beside him everyday, I WANTED to build a life and home with him. But, as time went by, I accepted the fact that he was not going to be 'conventional' and I probably should have walked away at that point. I guess in many ways I never felt that I was worthy of having a commitment...and... yes...at that point in time I was scared of being by myself.

 

I had very low self-esteem when I met him. That is what made me afraid to be alone.

 

Making this change is scary. But I also know that I am strong enough to do it. It is easier for me to walk away from this relationship that it would be for most women. So yes, when I do make the break from my SO, I will have to have time to adjust to be single for the first time in more than 20 years. And, while giving it one last shot is an option, I really do not think it will work. He doesn't take my concerns seriously.

[jwi71]

Okay, first, I phrased myself badly...an A is an EXCUSE to end a R that isn't working.

 

My response is...no one needs an excuse to leave.

If you aren't happy, you have every right to leave.

 

An A is passive aggressive cowardice.

Passive aggressive clearly towards the BS (I say passive because the BS doesn't know of the A) and cowardly as the WS cannot leave without first having a place to go - the soft landing.

 

Second, all R's take work and go through phases. I don't expect fireworks and flowers all the time. That is patently unreasonable. Real life does take hold, and can sap all the energy out of a relationship. Those feel good endorphins that help you fall in love do go away...and hopefully the passion is replaced by a deeper, more meaningful feeling.

 

Very true...all R's take WORK.

So how does an A improve the R?

How is having an A a healthy positive step for change?

 

Now, I have said there are some major issues that I really don't think my SO is willing to work on. Let me explain the situation without divulging a lot of detail.

 

I'm sorry your BF was being, to be blunt, a first class azzhat. You didn't deserve it.

 

You have taken good steps...you approached the issue, made known your grievance and awaited some change or movement towards a solution. And yes, that's HIS failure in NOT doing it.

 

The unhappy party has a duty to air out grievances...the "receiver of this" has the duty to discuss it and make reasonable and positive change. Compromise is the way of life.

 

Your BF refused and that leaves you with one of precious few options.

 

1) try again

2) accept it and develop healthy coping skill (I have no idea what that is)

3) Leave

 

You'll notice that having an A is NOT there - A's aren't healthy and they sure as hell don't create positive change in the R. Case in point, you.

 

So while I need to screw up my courage and let my SO go, this is a situation that has been brewing for more than a year. So, I can say I did try to save the relationship. And that is why I say I have to be sure I'm okay with the very real chance that I will be alone and not have a man in my life. the other option is to give it one more try.

 

Tough call.

So you gotta pick...your BF or the OM?

You can't have both and you have to go NC with the one you don't pick.

Here's a question. Pay attention to what your first, raw and intuitive answer is:

 

Right now, which man do you want to try to have a future with?

 

The first one that pops is the one your gut is leaning towards. Don't think, don't analyze...just go that direction.

 

I don't need a man to feel validated. I have a good job I enjoy and plenty of friends. I am a very independent minded woman. But it is hard to walk away from 23 year relationship...

 

I think you'll be just fine.

Unless you over-analyze this to death. You strike me as that "type".

You will not, you cannot, have perfect information...each path has its pitfalls and potential pitfalls.

 

Given what you write...I'd leave the BF. Take a break from the OM too.

Just adjust to the new life on your own. The more wrapped up you become in him, the more you lose yourself.

[bingosmom]

JW, you are right. Having an A is passive aggressive toward the SO. And going NC with whomever I don't pick is obviously the right thing to do.

 

And, you are right...I do have a tendency to over think stuff...A LOT. I've been thinking about this situation for a couple of weeks now. And a dear gay friend spent a couple of hours talking with me about the situation. I know what my gut is telling me...and you guys probably know which way I'll go. It's now a matter of working up the courage to actually DO IT...both with the one Iet go...and the one try to build a life with.

[bingosmom]

When I told my guy that I loved him, it was because I kept almost saying it. It was so much in my head that I thought for sure he could hear it every second we were together. I simply said to him, I am not expecting anything to change.. but I have to tell you something. And then I told him and I was TERRIFIED that it was going to change things and I stammered and I shouldn't have worried.

 

LFH, I'm positive he knows I'm in love with him. I'm quite sure I've given it away a hundred times when we see other. I have a feeling the we have to actually say "I love you" to each other before either one of us can make a move towards being together. It give each of us the reassurance we need to make changes...

[bingosmom]

Pierre, yes, I am indeed a newby. And I did not go looking for the situation I found myself in. And no, I am not a bad, mean or vindictive person. Hell, I'm not even a jealous person. I genuinely love this man...and the fact of the matter is after I broke up with him, I moved right into my current relationship.

 

Let's face it...all of us are on this thread because we were an OM or OW. None of us shouldbe casting stones or judgement on each other.

 

Thank you for the advice.