My bf isnt sure about marriage, any clues about what he's thinking

[fallen.angel]

My bf and I have known each other for 3+ years now, and have lived together and dated for 2 years, he is 10 years older (33yrs) but that has never affected our chemistry and rather he has been good for me, helped me leave drinking (not that I was an alcoholic) and made me more mature and responsible. Recently his family has been putting pressure on him to get married, he is muslim but im not. However this has never bothered either of us, and his family after finding out about me is open to me and him getting married. My bf has recently started thinking about us, because he is going to his home country for a holiday in 3 months, and I am also leaving in a months time to go home. I have asked him whether he wants to marry me or not as if his answer is no I do not see the point in coming back. Also when he goes home he will have to get married. My confusion is that something seems to trouble him, and he is not sure about marriage, I try not to bother him about it and rarely bring up the topic although it is on my mind as I love him. Today when I did ask him, as he had made me speak to his dad who said that we should make some decision soon my bf said later that he is unsure, and that he likes how we are right now (living together but not married). He isnt the kind who goes out gets drunk or cheats I know that. Also he says he wouldnt like me to work after marriage but he isnt very well off financially (he sends money home) so I think it would be best for our future if I work aswell. I am hoping to figure out what is on his mind and if anyone has ideas why he cant give me a definitive yes or no... Im confused:o

[january2011]

I think that given he is in his early thirties, you have lived together for two years, his family are open to his marrying you (despite being non-muslim), yet he is still unsure, it suggests that he is not ready to get married.

 

It is difficult to tell whether it's because you are the wrong woman or it's the wrong time. That is, it is very difficult to tell what he's thinking.

 

However, since you have started to talk about this, I'd say that you are only just beginning the conversation and it's probably not a good idea to pressure him into a decision that he really needs to make on his own.

 

I suggest that you begin making your own plans for your life, whether you will be with him or without him. And perhaps to set an internal deadline for when you want to get married - whether that is to him or someone else.

 

Since you are in your early 20s, you still have some time, particularly if you are looking to have children. However, I would not give it more than a year or two as you may grow resentful if no proposal is forthcoming.

 

If you are open to looking at some research on your situation, you may wish to google "sliding versus deciding," a theory that suggests moving in together without an end goal such as marriage may be detrimental to the long-term success of a relationship.

[Radu]

Also he says he wouldnt like me to work after marriage but he isnt very well off financially (he sends money home) so I think it would be best for our future if I work aswell. I am hoping to figure out what is on his mind and if anyone has ideas why he cant give me a definitive yes or no... Im confused:o

 

You will need to mention what countries you two are from, but i suspect this is the issue if all the rest are not [no cheating, loves you, his family wants you to marry him].

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Fallen Angel, it's my belief that if a man doesn't know if he wants to marry after 3 years, he will most likely never know. Of course he likes the arrangement now. He gets to have you, without the full on commitment. I know that we live in expensive times, but I don't know why women move in with men before they are either engaged or married.

 

I like what Janurary said about making plans for yourself, with or without him. I don't really think you should give it much more time though. To me, 3 years is plenty. You are still young and will meet many more men. He is 33. He is certainly at a time in his life where he should know what he wants. Keep in mind that not all older men are mature and not all younger men, or men your age, are immature.

 

You also have to consider the fact that you clearly have different views on you working after marriage. You need to ultimately do what is best for you. I read a book recently that talked about how just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are your soul mate. And as I looked back on some of my past relationships, I could see the truth in that. I had loved some of the men that I had relationships with but they ultimately were not the best fit for me in the end.

[fallen.angel]

Thank you all for your advice, after reading all these Ive thought I will not bring up marriage etc to him anymore. I think we both know and have discussed that, now Im just going to wait and see, if he hasnt decided by the time I leave for home, I will tell him that as he hasnt given me any answer Im leaving. Im just going to let things take their course without pushing for it. Thanks for all your advice I do appreciate it.

[Blueflames]

He's thinking marriage is a terrible idea for men, propose a prenup where neither of you will be able to claim alimony in the event of a divorce.