Justaperson Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Hey, Basically my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me a fortnight ago and it has absolutely devastated me. I just want her back but I'm not sure how to go about it..could someone please help me? Background I'm 21 and she's 20, we got together at the end of our first year of university and loved each other incredibly in that time. We do have significant individual problems though- I've been depressed for a number of years and I have social anxiety. I'm a very jealous and insecure person and this has often manifested itself in passive aggressive behavior. She is also very insecure and has had body image problems in the past and is prone to feeling very pessimistic about things in general. For the most part everything was great between us although we have had two particularly horrible arguments, one in March and the other in June. The worst thing happened in February though when she seriously injured herself, essentially ruining her life for four months - I was pretty much the only person supporting her during this time and it strained our relationship considerable. Her recovery coincided with my relapse into depression and we argued more frequently. I noticed how she had become more distant towards the end of July... And then she broke up with me. We had been talking about the future together just a few days before...I reacted extremely badly, cried, pleaded begged, shouted etc when she first told me but a few days later I had calmed down. (I guess it's a good thing I didn't keep up the whole begging thing for weeks?) In a letter she sent me she said that we had basically 'argued ourselves into the ground' and that we had disconnected.. This Monday I wanted confirmation that it was definitely over and she said that this was not a temporary break and it was indeed the end of our romantic relationship. The next day however, in response to another text, she said that while she cannot say that we will be together again, 'who knows how we will feel in a few months?' That gave me hope and there are a number of other things that don't make it seem absolutely final: -She has said that us getting back together is not impossible. In another text she said that we need time to ourselves for a while -she thought it would be very foolish of me to cut off all lines of communication -She sent some photos of us together and said that she'll be taking them to Germany with her (we both do language degrees and will be starting our year abroad in September) -She has been extremely stressed with other things like money, admin problems with Germany, getting ready to live there etc -She got extremely angry when I insinuated that she'll be sleeping with other people, looking for a new boyfriend in Germany. She said that she had integrity and that that this had nothing to do with the BU. -She wants me to visit her in Germany -She has been absolutely distraught since we broke up, she sounds almost as bad as I have been even though she was the dumper -We had an extremely intimate relationship, connected so well, loved each other so much, best sex ever.. I just don't believe she'll be able to not miss it, especially when the novelty of Germany wears off. Anyways, maybe I'm being overly optimistic..I don't know. What do you think is the best way forward? We both go to our respective countries in a few weeks and I'm inclined to think that under these circumstances absolute NC may not be the best idea (I'm afraid she'll think that I'm over her and am just sleeping around or something)? I couldn't leave my bed for the first week, drank heavily and felt suicidal.. I'm doing better now, have got back to the gym and am getting on with things. Even so..it's been 48 hours of NC and I feel so restless..check my phone and facebook like 40 times a day. It's so hard and I feel so miserable..I just miss her and want her back in my life Thanks for reading
Dorian85 Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Hey, Basically my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me a fortnight ago and it has absolutely devastated me. I just want her back but I'm not sure how to go about it..could someone please help me? Background I'm 21 and she's 20, we got together at the end of our first year of university and loved each other incredibly in that time. We do have significant individual problems though- I've been depressed for a number of years and I have social anxiety. I'm a very jealous and insecure person and this has often manifested itself in passive aggressive behavior. She is also very insecure and has had body image problems in the past and is prone to feeling very pessimistic about things in general. For the most part everything was great between us although we have had two particularly horrible arguments, one in March and the other in June. The worst thing happened in February though when she seriously injured herself, essentially ruining her life for four months - I was pretty much the only person supporting her during this time and it strained our relationship considerable. Her recovery coincided with my relapse into depression and we argued more frequently. I noticed how she had become more distant towards the end of July... And then she broke up with me. We had been talking about the future together just a few days before...I reacted extremely badly, cried, pleaded begged, shouted etc when she first told me but a few days later I had calmed down. (I guess it's a good thing I didn't keep up the whole begging thing for weeks?) In a letter she sent me she said that we had basically 'argued ourselves into the ground' and that we had disconnected.. This Monday I wanted confirmation that it was definitely over and she said that this was not a temporary break and it was indeed the end of our romantic relationship. The next day however, in response to another text, she said that while she cannot say that we will be together again, 'who knows how we will feel in a few months?' That gave me hope and there are a number of other things that don't make it seem absolutely final: -She has said that us getting back together is not impossible. In another text she said that we need time to ourselves for a while -she thought it would be very foolish of me to cut off all lines of communication -She sent some photos of us together and said that she'll be taking them to Germany with her (we both do language degrees and will be starting our year abroad in September) -She has been extremely stressed with other things like money, admin problems with Germany, getting ready to live there etc -She got extremely angry when I insinuated that she'll be sleeping with other people, looking for a new boyfriend in Germany. She said that she had integrity and that that this had nothing to do with the BU. -She wants me to visit her in Germany -She has been absolutely distraught since we broke up, she sounds almost as bad as I have been even though she was the dumper -We had an extremely intimate relationship, connected so well, loved each other so much, best sex ever.. I just don't believe she'll be able to not miss it, especially when the novelty of Germany wears off. Anyways, maybe I'm being overly optimistic..I don't know. What do you think is the best way forward? We both go to our respective countries in a few weeks and I'm inclined to think that under these circumstances absolute NC may not be the best idea (I'm afraid she'll think that I'm over her and am just sleeping around or something)? I couldn't leave my bed for the first week, drank heavily and felt suicidal.. I'm doing better now, have got back to the gym and am getting on with things. Even so..it's been 48 hours of NC and I feel so restless..check my phone and facebook like 40 times a day. It's so hard and I feel so miserable..I just miss her and want her back in my life Thanks for reading My advice to you in your situation is to respect that fact that you both probably need to re-asses your relationship. Obviously she hasn't totally dismissed your relationship all together, since she said she wasn't 100% sure on your relationship being completely over. That means that she has cold feet about a lot of things. It takes time to weight the positives and negatives in any situation, not just relationships. More often then not, people come away from a "break" with a better understanding of what it is that they want in future relationships...whether it is with you or with someone else. You just need to give this one some time and let it run its course. When she is clear headed enough about everything, I'm sure she will contact you. But if the NC is getting un-bearable, and is seriously messing with your mental stability, you need to let her know that it is weighing on you heavily, and you'd appreciate it if she would let you know sooner then later because the suspense isn't sitting well with you.
Author Justaperson Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 That's the thing though: she has explicitly said that this is not a temporary break; it is the end of our romantic relationship.. Still..it just seems strange that the next day she should tell me that things may change in a few months the day after she has said it is the end. And why would you take photos of your ex when you are going abroad? Clearly she doesn't want to forget me?
soccerrprp Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 No contact. I would let her know that you respect her time and will let her figure things out, but maintain NC. This will either bring her back in a big way, or she ends it...as it would have turned out anyway...
Author Justaperson Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Hmm..I suppose so. I guess both of us being abroad will just cause the extreme of either one or the other- she'll either hyper-miss me or hyper-get over me.. Perhaps?
soccerrprp Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Sorry, but as we all know, the world is not a fairy-tale as much as some of us try to do the "right" thing. It's amazing to me the games we are forced to play to show someone we care or don't care...so, here, NC is the best as I see it. I was recently "let go" by an ex and maintained NC for 2-months. She contacts me out of the blue and now I'm waiting to see what her intentions are. Mind you, i'm in another relationship with a woman that is doing the "stuff" that my ex did, but it isn't serious and who knows, under the conditions I set, perhaps my ex and I will try again...but, since i've moved on (for the most part) and she's the one who made contact, I wait for her next move. I responded to her email, but waiting now...I will not send another until she makes the next communication...
Author Justaperson Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Yeah, sometimes I think you just have a 'feeling' that when someone breaks up with you and it didn't feel like things had reached a natural conclusion that they'll be back.. Sounds like you're in the driving seat now which must be very liberating. Ugh..what is it that women dumpers want to see in their ex? (I know it's a slightly odd question). What will make them consider getting back with them?
Author Justaperson Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Well, she got back in touch.. She was talking about how we might move forward from here and I rather rashly stated that I wished her the best in the future as it looked unlikely that I was going to see her again. Why? Because I'm not willing to be friendzoned. She said that she couldn't understand the logic in that, that we could never be 'friends' in the conventional sense after everything that gone on between us anyway.. Most interestingly though, without any prompting from me, she said that even if we were to have another boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in the future, why would I want it to be the same as before? This is the second time she's mentioned the possibility that we might get back together.. Do you think there's anything in that? TBH I feel that NC wouldn't be the best idea, that I do need to be in her life in order to get our relationship back. The question is how to do that without becoming her 'gay best friend'.. Any suggestions?
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