clintonsmith Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Hi All- I am 24 and in law school. my g/f lived 3 hours away and we did the long distance thing after dating seriously in college for a year, breaking up after college, adn getting back together for another year. distance was difficult, but she was supposed to move to where I was in May. I was admittedly non-committal about marriage, b/c i wasn't sure at the time. I wanted her to move to be near me so I could be sure. About February she starts acting funny, and so i begin to make efforts to save the relationship. Knowing what I know now, she had become disenchanted with law school and the distance, and had her older brother set her up with an older friend of his, 28 year old guy, she is 23. she went out with him, then began talking with him and i didn't know it. when she started acting weird, i asked if there was someone else, but she lied to me and said no. she was brutal to me for about 3 weeks until i finally broke up with her. she immediately started dating this new guy, and simply said "sorry about all this", and denied talking to him before, which i know is complete bs. I continued to chase her, which obviously only made it worse, but she was already in a relationship with him, and I was out the door. Its over, I can accept that. They have been together for 3 and 1/2 months (officially), and she is making long term plans, I assume he is too. She lives in a large city, and the guy is about an hour away from her, and she is working on moving up there near him. all her friends have moved away, and it is her, her family, and him left. I have continued making advances, but she is in love with him. This has hurt me terribly, I really thought someday I would marry her, I was just not ready to commit w/o a job, or at least having her in the same city. My question is this...do you all believe in Karma? I understand life isn't fair, thats the bottom line, but for her to "better deal" me while i was busting my butt in law school to try and make a life for us, she was out looking for something else. this has hurt like nothing i have ever had, and its been 4 months. i know if this guy drops her, she will get desperate and run to me, but do i want that? not at this point, i don't want leftovers, but i do still love her. regardless, i am most certain that she will marry this guy, mutual friends say it is on the fast track...she has wanted marriage for a long, long time, and i was slow to oblige. any chance this bites her in the tail? (please spare the law school jokes . i am getting the degree to apply to business and create versatility)
Author clintonsmith Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 let me add one thing. i do love her, so i do want her to be happy. i understand my post sounds very selfish, i just feel very wrong, lied to, and taken advantage of. she gave me all these b.s. reasons, and i have felt like it was all my fault, when in reality, it takes two to tango or to destroy a relationship imo. I just sure would like someone to tell me that it won't be all roses like it seems for her, that i will find another girl who will be just as amazing (b/c she really is awesome), or that she will run back to me with her tail tucked if he curbs her, she can be pretty emotionally needy and obviously wants marriage (which made me not want to marry her yet). it just doesn't seem fair, and i hate that she views me as weak now. regardless, i can't control that. thanks everyone.
jw32802 Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 so do you mean that she was needy and wanted marriage which kind of made you run, but now that SHE RAN , you realize you DO want to marry her? do you realize how much you really love her now?
Author clintonsmith Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 its exactly like that! but its not new, when we broke up after college, i didn't care until she was getting really serious with another guy and she wasn't interested in me anymore, so i did everythign i could to get her back, including promising marriage. when i got her back, almost immediately i wasn't sure again. i didn't want to break up with her, but i wasn't sure. now i can't have her at all and it is driving me crazy. she is gonna marry the guy.
Author clintonsmith Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 I have been told i am codependent for acting this way, only wanting what i cannot have, but when we dated, i really enjoyed her company and loved her, i just wans't in love with her all the time. i know its messed up, and when i got her back, i wouldn't be completely sure, but this time i would go ahead and marry her, b/c it would be worth it to have someone completely in love with me, i wouldn't have to be completely in love with her. seldom are two people equally in love, usually the woman is focused on the man and the relationship, and the man is focuse on his career and providing. this girl is a really great person, and i realize exactly how good she is now. and yeah, i do realize she cheated on me emotionally, but i really can't blame her to an extent, b/c i was looking around too, out of sight, out of mind.
dudesomewhere Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 well, back to the question at hand...KARMA! ahem Karma, such an interesting thing. I'm sure we'd all like to believe it yes? You have close friends? Discuss this with them. You have a really deep thinking friend? He/she might say this...sure karma exists but what if it exists only after death, that people will be handed what they deserve...but only in the corporeal sense. They may also say, so someone does bad in their lives and they may have to deal with karma...but meanwhile, in the physical plane they enjoy what it is they sow because it dosn't really matter. What would you do as a person if you were to believe this? If it is silly to worry about Karma if it doesn't affect your physical existense but only the spiritual upon death? Who are the fools in this world? The people who respect life, lives...etc or those that don't? Are hindu and buddhist monks who get butchered on the streets better off than someone like Hitler or Dr. Phil? hehe I wish for Karma...but I like finishing last in this marathon of life, doesn't make me any better or wiser, it's just what I choose.
jw32802 Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 clinton So how many months until you wanted her back? when u heard about this new one?
simplybrill Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 So....you want her to pay in a Karma- sense for not waiting around for you to make up your mind on whether you wanted to be with her for the rest of your lives. It is very noble of you to work your hardest to try to make a life for the both of you through law school, but if you werent ever there for her emotionally, then whats the use? I dated a workaholic, who sold himself to everyone else, including his friends before he even thought about me - lets hope you werent doing that to her. If she was unhappy she should not have been sneaking around - and yes that was very inconsiderate. She should have just approached you about it all, and just ended things. But it soundd like she was not the only one who was unhappy, with you not being in love with her the whole time you were together, and not being sure you even wanted to commit and marry her. Which isnt exactly wrong, because you have the right to your feelings as well. Instead of dragging this out, because she no doubt, absolutely felt it the second you started pulling away, and decided she had to do something about it, one of you guys should have spoken up and broke things off before it got to this point, now things are messy. She's moved on obviously, and it would be callous of me to say "hey man, just move on already!" But after being promised a future, and a marriage, and getting her hopes up so high, something must have happened to make her look to someone else...you have to think of things from her perspective also. Keep us posted.
NotaBadGuy Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Clinton, Law school is demanding. You need to place your energies there now and let her be. She seems to have chosen to live life withtou you. Whether she remains stedfast in that choice is hers to make, not yours. You only have control over yourself and noone else. You can let this beat you up and affect your schooling or take it as a lesson learned in life. How do I know? I don't really, but I just recently finished law school, lost my wife to another guy during law school, and was divorced in law school. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with in balancing the emotional loss with the demands and requirements of law school. It tore me to the fabric of my existence. I battled through the remainder of law school with the same sort of outlook you display. There is nothing wrong with that. Grieve, morn, let it all out. You have to. Then place all your energies on law school. What she does and does from this point on are her decisions and choices, not yours. It is tough to accept and really tough given the circumstances, but what can you do about it? Nothing really. Although I still think the way my ex handled things with me was wrong, I wish nothing but happiness for her. Sometimes I wanted her to expereince the hurt and pain I expereinced, but in the end, I don't. If my ex is happy with the guy she is with, then I can do nothing but wish her well. If you carry this mentality and work on things you have control over - like yourself and law school - not only will you grow as a person, but emotionally as well. Sure, she may be with this guy for who knows how long. But maybe not. You never know what time or life will bring you. Remember, when one door closes, another is opening. Take the time to reflect on what you have learned, live life, educate yourself, and be the best person you can be. Good luck with law school. It is a challenge, but it is as accomplishment that noone can take from you but yourself.
RoboHobo Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Yeah, focus hard on your studies now. Studying should never be done for someone else though, only for yourself. Make yourself a better person for you. If you can do that you will be able to treat who ever you are dating well. As for Karma, yeah, I believe in it. Karma is cause and effect and an obvious truth, it is there in everything. I think that this is very liberating because the manner in which you approach something will determine the out come as it effects you. If you make good choices and are positive in your actions and outlook good things will come back to you. Life can be **** some times, but if you learn from it and make positive steps good will come from it. I think people get confused because other peoples Karma can impact on your life too and end up wondering what they did to deserve it. Some times they did nothing, but if they channel their efforts in the correct direction the cycle of bad will soon pass. Good luck with the studying and the relationship issues. It is tough and painful but it will be fine in the end.
Author clintonsmith Posted July 15, 2004 Author Posted July 15, 2004 thanks to everyone, your input is greatly appreciated..... the biggest thing for me is that i wish i handn't chased her and been so needy and insecure when she left, i practically begged her to stay. it completely drove her away. it is something i know that if i wouldn't have done, she would likely still be here. but what i have realilzed is that it was the best i could do at that time, and was really out of my control. i tried my best not to, but the psychological forces were just too strong for me. i am working a 12 step program now to try and stabilize myself and regain focus.
Author clintonsmith Posted July 15, 2004 Author Posted July 15, 2004 one more thing guys....this girl is absolutely amazing!! one in a million amazing, every guy at my college wanted to date her. i liked her for 2 years, but when i had her, i didn't want her. i am so mad at myself, whe wanted to marry me for 2 years!
kalie Posted July 18, 2004 Posted July 18, 2004 I think all of us or at least most of us has gone through tough breakups. I once grabbed my exs leg as he was walking out the door. Now how very sad is that? Seriously. If I had said....see ya sucker he may have thought differently. Oh and about Karma. Ive seen people pay for wrong doings many times before. My ex left the woman he left me for about 8 mos into their relationship. I do believe she was the one grabbing his leg and having a break down then. From what I understand she followed him to work , called, hid his belongings.......yep what goes around comes around, theres a different name for karma. Learn from this like I have. Only we have control over our actions. Looking back and wishing I had done something different only prolongs moving forward. Think about it once or twice , just to learn about your mistake, then move on. there is a tomorrow. Good luck with law. I find it very interesting. Kalie
jw32802 Posted July 18, 2004 Posted July 18, 2004 clinton You say that every guy wanted to date her but you let her go? why? what is it about her that made you treat her so badly? were you one of those guys always seeking perfection??
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 18, 2004 Posted July 18, 2004 I find it funny that you bring up karma simply as a retribution for what she did. Considering the meaning of karma, maybe it's your karma that she left.
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