Author icDude Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 She contacts the OM through texts, email, and phone. I can't track it easily because she has her own cell phone account and ipad through her work. While I can give her an ultimatum as several have suggested here, being sure she is living up to it is another matter. And very hard for her to do, from what I read, if this is a romantic addiction. In a way I have already made the point, without the timeline added. A part of me understands that she is afraid to recommit to me, especially if she does not trust that I can be different.
Owl Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 OK...so what's your plan to reconcile? What's your roadmap to getting there from here?
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I don't know how to nicely phrase this to you: As someone in a romantic addiction, she isn't thinking of you at all. Unless it is "there's the guy standing in my way." In that case it actually fuels the addiction. How to pull the rug from under is to actually say: "I know that you are seeing him and that you aren't happy here. Therefore, I'm going to be okay, in fact if you are really happy with OM, I'm awesome. Go to him. But it isn't ME and HIM anymore, you can't rude on two ships. You know how I feel about our marriage and I've made some major steps to change because I know that I've hurt you. But this situation is untenable." Giving an ultimatum just makes her resent you like a little kid getting their toy taken away. Supporting her choice makes her have to think about her choice and maybe even "guess and check" her BS. Then, live your life doing the 180 until you either want to be free of her or she comes around. Have you read Divorce Remedy?
Scott68 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I'd be very supportive of her. Take her to a nice restaurant buy her some flowers take her home tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her, then seduce her, go behind her softly kiss her neck, rub her shoulders, play with her hair, and then donkey punch her kick her cheating ass to the curb file for divorce and custody and never look back. Next time she cheats it will be physical. Wake up my friend she had an affair. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
GLDheart Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I'd be very supportive of her. Take her to a nice restaurant buy her some flowers take her home tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her, then seduce her, go behind her softly kiss her neck, rub her shoulders, play with her hair, and then donkey punch her kick her cheating ass to the curb file for divorce and custody and never look back. Next time she cheats it will be physical. Wake up my friend she had an affair. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] AND, if you don't live in a fictional movie type universe, you could always try being direct: "Honey, I love you. I want to do anything I can to make this work. The hardest thing in the world for me is to imagine living without you. That is why that is EXACTLY what I'm going to do. Here is the plan I have set up..." Then take action. Earn her respect. Show her who you are and why she should let you back into her life. If she doesn't pick you, well, I'm sorry to say it but, there is nothing you can do except move on. Without her respecting you, you have nothing.
Author icDude Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I've read the divorce remedy. Some good advice and the last resort technique is to back off, get a life, and wait. Maybe so. My plan for reconciliation is still evolving but here is how I kind of see it: I read another book called Affairs which discussed several types of affairs and the one that most closely matches my wife's behavior is the Split Self affair (although they suggest 20 years of marriage or more). The problem with reconciling my marriage is that in that book it suggests that those involved in Split Self affairs must first work on themselves. (Read the book for a better understanding of what it means or look on the web.) With that in mind, I have thought that maybe I need to give her time to work on herself, while encouraging her to seek counseling or other mental health therapy. She has been opposed to most of it, but is seeing an IC. But not often enough if you ask me. We are also going to MC. This of course keeps me hanging in the limbo that I am in. But according to that book she must figure out what she wants before she can work on the marriage. That is why an ultimatum to stop talking to the guy may not actually work. However, I am going to continue to ask that she do it. That also means being sensitive to her needs but not being a pushover. I will also continue to increase physical intimacy with her, but with patience. It gives me time to show her that I have changed and to build a better bond with my children. It also keeps our incomes joined for now. However, I will be going out more often and meeting new people including women (I will not have an affair however). If he comes to see her, or she him, and this escalates beyond just long distance chatting (which it did once before, which is how I found out). Then I see that as an end to us and file for divorce. I may need to add to this. But that is the way I see it for now.
beach Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Ou can't MAKE her want to work on herself. YOU can only work on YOURSELF. What you DO (change) will bring change to her though. 1
Owl Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Keep us posted on your progress. I've heard of the book you've read...but there's much in it that I don't agree with. I'll be interested in seeing if using the advice you find there does lead you to reconciliation.
Steadfast Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 ...As someone in a romantic addiction, she isn't thinking of you at all...Unless it is "there's the guy standing in my way." This is the fact you need to realize. I'm 99.9% sure it's accurate because of the quote by her in your first post. Knowing this, I'm fairly certain anything you say or do (in the way of a plan of action) will have little to no effect. Your best course of action? Remove yourself from the situation. Give her what she wants and conduct yourself with kindness, sincerity and good judgement. She won't come back until it's something she wants to do. Whether or not that's something you'll want remains to be seen. In my case, the longer my ex and I were separated the less desire I had to reconcile. We have, as you said, both combined to ruin this relationship, but now I am trying to repair it; the question is whether she will want to as well. You're a smart guy; you know it takes two. The advice your getting from Owl and others is good. Take it. IMO, it's a waste of time snooping, chasing phone records and installing GPS devices. Your wife has made it clear she has feelings for another man. She's not stupid; once she made this deceleration known, how you took it or what your response would be meant little to her. She wants her man. The rest is all on the outside. Physician heal thyself. What happens after is what will happen after.
Author icDude Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 Steadfast: The advice that Owl and yourself have given may be my final answer, but I have to try other options first. Right now, I have given her a no physical contact order. I can not stopped the phone and email conversations. I hope they shoot their own relationship in the foot and I think I can outlast it. Is that perfect? Heck no. Am I pained by this? duh. Am I wasting my time? maybe. But I will give her my love and try to rebuild intimacy on her terms for now. that may be the Nice Guy way out, but it was never something I gave her before, so it just might work. And this guy can only give her words. It's frustrating and my efforts have been thwarted by my own rage and argumentative nature. She wants me to back off and I have had a hard time with that. I am also working on getting a two month commitment from her. To provide us more time to work on us (making it easier for me to back off, by removing the fear that tomorrow will be the last day to show her I am for real) and for her to get some additional therapy. Has she decided on him over me? In one sense she has, but in all others she has decided me. This OM is the only other guy she has ever had a serious relationship with (only other guy she has had sex with) and it predates ours. I am fighting with my only competition. So far I have been the one she stayed with and had 3 babies with. But when she was distressed she has gone to him for support. Maybe he will get his day in the sun, but first he will have to leave his own wife and kids and she will have to leave me. I need to show her I can be the right man for her.
GLDheart Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 iC, There is only one person in this situation with any control: The Other Man. He has ALL the control. He has the saftey net of his family unit AND he gets to string along your woman. This is 2x4 stuff but if he wanted your wife tonight he could have her! All he has to do is use one of thier established lines of communication and tell her what she wants to hear. She would in a heartbeat then pick an argument with you and "need space" or a "time-out" and she would rush out to get her fix. Your wife stays with you because she is waiting for him (and too much of a coward to do it alone)!!
Author icDude Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 All he has to do is use one of thier established lines of communication and tell her what she wants to hear. She would in a heartbeat then pick an argument with you and "need space" or a "time-out" and she would rush out to get her fix. Your wife stays with you because she is waiting for him (and too much of a coward to do it alone)!! LOL. Except that he is thousands of miles away. And I am pretty sure he is a coward too.
GLDheart Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 LOL. Except that he is thousands of miles away.. The wonders of the digital age. When a lover thousands of miles away is closer to her than the man in the next room. 1
Author icDude Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 The wonders of the digital age. When a lover thousands of miles away is closer to her than the man in the next room. This is strictly an emotional affair. Not that that is a good thing. But the only one who has had physical intimacy with my wife in the last month since I found this out is me. Before that she claimed only to have kissed this guy in one encounter, and perhaps it was more like making out from what I read in their private emails, but no more. I believe that. I think she has something psychologically muddled in her head right now and doesn't want physical affections from anyone, so this long distance relationship is very safe. But I can't be sure and that doesn't help me fix it.
GLDheart Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 ...But I can't be sure and that doesn't help me fix it. That's it right there. YOU can't fix it. You can only decide to do what is in your own best interest. Any advice I give you is with that in mind.
karnak Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 And don't worry about the kid's as long as a child feels loved everything else doesn't affect them especially in divorces. Yeah. Kids seem to go through this way better than the adults.
TaraMaiden Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 It strongly depends on what kind of relationship you have with your kids, and how you treat them, post-separation.
Author icDude Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 divorce your wife she's obviously a whore and does not want your affections and craves others. My wife has only been with one other man in her life. He was her ex high school boyfriend. The same man she now claims to love.
turnera Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 VERY typical. Go back to the one you loved as a teenager, when it was all fairy tales and fun and romance, and no bills to pay or snotty noses to clean. It's a fantasy. 1
Steadfast Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 VERY typical. Go back to the one you loved as a teenager, when it was all fairy tales and fun and romance, and no bills to pay or snotty noses to clean. It's a fantasy. So very true. I think what's important is the wisdom repeated over and over here IC; a happy, whole marriage take two committed people. Not one who loves and cares and the other being pulled along like a stubborn donkey. This OM isn't the real issue. The enemy of your marriage is your wife. If she's looking for happiness (or whatever) outside of it, that puts you and the relationship at a severe disadvantage. You won't join you in attempting to 'fix' something she doesn't want fixed. Focus on you. Let her go.
Author icDude Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Steadfast and turnera, very true to both points. I have it in my head however, that she has become afraid of me and this guy makes her feel safe. Had a bad fight with her last night... I told her that this was not about her or me, it was about the family, and doing what was best for us. I think she is a good mother, and I think I am a good father, and I think we can do good for our kids, and that any other situation will ultimately be worse for them. I know this is an old argument, but that is where my head is. How do I let the mother of my children go? How do I let go of a woman that wanted to have another child with me just one year ago? This seems so reactionary, I still wonder if this doesn't have something to do with recently having a child and changes in hormones or something.
turnera Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I have exposed the affair to her family, my family, her friends, and he knows I know and I have contacted him. I have attempted to contact his wife as well. She now knows about the affair as well, but maybe not the extent. What to do, IMO, is continue to put pressure on her AND him by letting her femily and friends know that she has resumed contact, ask them to talk to her so she can clear the PEA chemicals out of her body with no contact. And to get hold of his wife (and parents if he's relatively young) and ask them to stop HIM.
turnera Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 she has become afraid of me and this guy makes her feel safe. Please elaborate. What have you not told us about your past interactions with her? We may need to advise you regarding that, as well.
Author icDude Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 (edited) Please elaborate. What have you not told us about your past interactions with her? We may need to advise you regarding that, as well. Basically, I have an anger management issue. I become very aggressive when we argue. And I can't let things go, so I push them beyond the point of what is reasonable and progressively make things worse by constant pushing. This is a pattern of behavior for me and it is worsened by drink or other intoxicants. As noted earlier I once slapped her in one of these fights and she called the cops. I vowed that that would never happen again - that was 6 years ago. Otherwise there is often pushing on both sides and verbal abuse. In recent years the number of these incidents has decreased. But more recently she has told me that that was because she shut down. And with the new tension, we have had an increase in flare ups. Not proud... know that I need to change this... don't know how. Although, we have been discussing ways to fight fair and communicate better with our MC and though books. And I have started on an anti-anxiety med. I want her to feel safe with me. I feel that her safety is one of the major things pushing her away from me. Edited August 16, 2012 by icDude more info
Owl Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 As I've already mentioned...the damage you've done to the relationship may be too great for her to consider reconciliation with you. She simply may not "give you another chance"...nor is there a requirement that she do so after dealing with that kind of abuse for so long. This is one of the biggest issues you face...your marriage doesn't have a strong foundation to rebuild on. You have to rebuild it from the foundation up...and that takes two willing participants. With all of that said...your wife still has to make a choice...you or him. Granted, past behavior makes her less likely to choose you over him given what you've noted here...but realistically that just means you may have to accept what I've already mentioned above. But...if you do not take steps to end the affair...each passing day she's in contact with him will continue to ERODE the chance that she'll turn back to you.
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