My wife is distressed after OM stopped talking to her, what do I do?

[TaraMaiden]

....I'm waiting until the MC session to give the ultimatum because I think the mediation might help get things clear.

no, it just feels safer there because you're on level ground and you can say things with the 'moral back-up' of another person present - that gives people the courage to be more outspoken than if they were in private. In private, people weaken......

 

(I am also not sure I want to do it).

What WILL it take to make you sure?

Finding them in your bed?

Her suggesting a foursome?

 

But I need to be strong. The problem is that I do not want to rip the lives of my children apart. (that's a major thing holding me back.)

That's such a stale reason, that, while I understand what you're saying, doesn't hold water.

you're teaching your kids all the wrong ways to act within the dynamics of a relationship.

And her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

The more responsibility she has to take for being with them, the less time she can spend with him.

you're her cuckolded babysitter and you've just given her the go-ahead to wave it under your nose.

and then some.

[icDude]

I'm the babysitter, but I still go out and have fun with my friends and I am building intimacy back up with her. For fun here was my last text message from her after I told her to "take control of this situation." and "Fidelity is a choice"

 

Her: "What do you want me to do

 

I hate this place I'm in. I HATE it but I don't want to make a choice and then regret it

 

Bc I don't want to be back in this spot. Ever"

 

 

I know the right answer to that question; end the affair. otherwise, both I and she will be in a situation where we may have to go through this again. I.e. in our new developing relationships. But if she stays, I won't stray, and she doesn't want to go back to it.

 

The problem is in her mind, though.

[beach]

If anyone is ripping their lives apart - its YOUR WIFE!

 

Where's your HEALTHY boundary? Why aren't YOU IMPLEMENTING a healthy boundary for YOU?

 

YOUR wife isn't considering YOUR feelings!

 

Start making decisions that look out for YOUR future separate from your wife. Take care of your kids too.

 

You are her doormat! She won't ever respect and honor you as long as you act that way.

 

Get individual counseling - you need help with a healthy boundary and how to IMPLEMENT that!

 

Your weakness is really prominent - you need to get strong and tell her it's time for her to go be with her OM since HE is HER priority. Give her to the end of the day to get out.

[Owl]

i hear you Owl,

But I have no right to kick her out of our house in the state I live in. My hands are tied according to my lawyer, unless I file the papers. He also told me not to leave the house either, we have three kids that we both care for as well.

 

Right...but does SHE know that?

 

You can tell her whatever you want to tell her...you can hand her her bags.

 

If she chooses to leave once you hand her those bags...that's her choice. And theoretically, she could come back at any time as well...but if you spell it out to her that clearly...that if she does NOT end the affair NOW...she loses everything...that's a pretty hardcore message that she needs to hear. It's exactly what my wife heard in our situation.

 

 

To the other responders... I have exposed the affair to her family, my family, her friends, and he knows I know and I have contacted him. I have attempted to contact his wife as well. She now knows about the affair as well, but maybe not the extent. I'm waiting until the MC session to give the ultimatum because I think the mediation might help get things clear. (I am also not sure I want to do it).

But I need to be strong. The problem is that I do not want to rip the lives of my children apart. (that's a major thing holding me back.)

 

YOU aren't the one ripping the lives of your children apart. SHE is...and SHE needs to hear/see that. And your kids need to hear/see that as well.

 

Don't take blame for what's not your fault.

[beach]

Implement consequences with action rather than words.

 

So far - she's had no real consequences... And so she just continues to DO whatever SHE wants (including harm to you and your kids). No consequence = no change!

 

The more the consequence causes HER to be uncomfortable - the more likely she's going to consider changing HERSELF.

 

If she argues - the ONLY thing you need to remind her is that "she did this to HERSELF" with her own bad behavior and HER choices.

 

Waiting for MC could be YOUR downfall - you must act NOW to bring her into the reality of what HER choices has created.

[TigerCub]

She had betrayed you and isn't making efforts to make it up to you.

Instead she's openly mourning OM's loss and pining away for him right in front of you and now actually tells you she can't give him up.

 

Instead of being outraged and standing up for yourself, you're acting like you're just 1 step away from getting her a new OM just in attempt to console her!

 

Its amazing how so many people throw around the whole "I don't want to tear the family apart because of my kids" thing, but don't stop to think of how the environment they create and the unhealthy relationship dynamic they show their kids will affect them negatively as well.

 

Stop and try to imagine how you would feel if it was your kid in this situation (in the future) and they were being treated the way that you are being treated and they were putting up with it like you are - would you really not feel outrage for them and want to warn them and advise them to take their chances and find something better, or at the very least to stand up for themselves and stop being treated like dirt?

 

Your wife is blatantly showing you that you are no the man she's in love with, the man that she really wants to be with. When is enough enough?

 

Sorry if my post seems harsh, but you really need to see it like it is.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You guys can yell at him all you want, it's only going to make him resent you.

 

He wants to save his family. I completely understand that. He has to be satisfied he's doing the right thing. It's so confusing and hard to know. This forum represents one extreme view, there are others.

 

I read a lot of books during my hell, it helped me a lot even though in the end it didn't save my marriage. It at least made me feel I had done everything I could before throwing in the towel. Sometimes throwing in the towel is the best thing. It's really hard to do counseling or reconcile with someone who is in the affair fog or is not being remorseful with their actions. I think your situation is significantly worse than mine was and my wife and I didn't make it...and belive me I tried...for 6 months. She wouldn't break contact with him in a deliberate way. It ended up being a deal breaker for me.

Here's what my guidelines became for a while:

 

1) How is our family life? Is my daughter being negatively impacted so that it would be better to be divorced?

 

The answer to this from my POV was that we were doing ok.

 

2) How is work? Am I able to function and provide for my family?

 

This is where I cracked. My work life was suffering so badly I was (and still am to some degree) afraid of getting fired. I saw no end to it if I stayed in the marriage. If I got fired I'd just have the same problem in the next job. I could fake being happy at home, but I was still really unstable and needed to heal. I couldn't heal with my WW acting the way she was.

 

 

You can always see how much you can tolerate... If you make an ultimatum, I don't recommend communicating a timeline. Have one, but don't say it. Just tell her what you need. Continued contact with the affair partner in any form is usually something that is not tolerable. If the AP contacts your wife, she should disclose that immediately.

[turnera]

Did you move into the basement like you were going to?

 

Did you order the book I suggested?

[icDude]

I looked at the book, turnera. I might consider it further. No I did not move into the basement. She did not move upstairs either.

Ninja's Husband: I have given a loose ultimatum with out a timeline, just going to repeat it at therapy.

 

As far as being a nice guy... I'm going to give some backstory about my relationship so that you understand that being a nice guy is my 180.

 

When this relationship started, I came on to my future wife (FW) in front of the girl I was then dating. The other girl and I were dating in private (co-workers as was my FW) so she said nothing but I hurt her bad. (hurt me bad too) I was a major a@$ ho#$. FW and I dated off and on for a year. Mostly, I would break up to go out with the guys and have one night stands or at least try to pick up women. (can I say a#$ on this forum). i decided to leave town after one year and moved across the country. Three weeks later she called to tell me about baby # 1. I said, "I'm not coming back," (I meant the town, she meant to her) I also questioned whether the child was even mine. (uh hum, see above).

Lets cut to the chase, after having an extensive relationship with another woman while my FW was pregnant I finally went back for the birth of my child. I decided to turn my life around and go back to school for another job. She agreed to come with me. We fought like cats and dogs and had the police called to our home more than once, including because I hit her (I am a ___). We moved again because I got a job and she followed. She threatened to leave several times and I said 'Go'.

Finally I married her. And slowly I became mature. She is obviously not there yet. But she put up with a lot of my Sh$%. And she has been a blessing to my life and the creator of everything beautiful in it.

She has said I never loved her during that time. And for six to seven of those years she may have been right.

 

So to make a long story end. Being a nice guy is my 180. And I am going to put up with her sh$^ for a while, since well she put up with me being a cold and callous MoFo.

 

Perhaps that clears the air a little.

[turnera]

Interesting.

[Owl]

So...would you say that she respects you now? Or has reason to respect you?

 

It matters.

 

A woman can't love a man that she doesn't respect.

 

She can't respect a man she can treat like sh*t...but by the same token...she can't respect a man who treats her like sh*t either.

 

It's POSSIBLE that the damage you've done over the years is so great (cumulatively) that she now longer is capable of trusting, respecting, or loving you in that way any longer.

[nofool4u]

Is there anything I can do?

 

Yes, and I say this with all seriousness, get rid of her.

 

She isn't going to just snap out of this and even if it seems like she does, she will be pining for the excitement of carrying on an affair with this man, or another.

 

If you stay with her, you'll simply be the husband of a woman that likes and wants to validate herself with other men.

[icDude]

So...would you say that she respects you now? Or has reason to respect you?

 

 

The answer she gives me is "I don't know," Which is pretty much the answer she gives me on everything related to this situation right now.

Edited August 14, 2012 by icDude
info

[beach]

icDude;4189438]I'm the babysitter, but I still go out and have fun with my friends and I am building intimacy back up with her. For fun here was my last text message from her after I told her to "take control of this situation." and "Fidelity is a choice"

 

Her: "What do you want me to do

 

I hate this place I'm in. I HATE it but I don't want to make a choice and then regret it

 

Bc I don't want to be back in this spot. Ever"

 

 

I know the right answer to that question; end the affair. otherwise, both I and she will be in a situation where we may have to go through this again. I.e. in our new developing relationships. But if she stays, I won't stray, and she doesn't want to go back to it.

 

 

Man - she is one selfish gal. Tell her to end it now or the M is over!

 

She hasn't even considered how YOU must feel.

 

She's created the perfect environment for her to keep cheating and have you "understand it all" - so that she gets to keep both men and leave you with the short end of her love and attention.

 

Since she cares that much for her OM - she should go be with him now - don't give her any other choice - no choice to stay and be with her family at all.

 

Her behavior is disgusting - how dare you allow her to treat you so poorly!

 

Find your self respect.

[beach]

So...would you say that she respects you now? Or has reason to respect you?

 

It matters.

 

A woman can't love a man that she doesn't respect.

 

She can't respect a man she can treat like sh*t...but by the same token...she can't respect a man who treats her like sh*t either.

 

It's POSSIBLE that the damage you've done over the years is so great (cumulatively) that she now longer is capable of trusting, respecting, or loving you in that way any longer.

 

Owl - hard to believe you asked this - I think the evidence shows she doesn't respect him at all. That why she answers "I don't know" - she can't even be honest with that basic question.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you contacted divorce-busters?

 

They might be able to help.

 

I found they were pretty supportive to me and gave a lot of hope when I was having a lot if trouble finding any.

 

No, I am not a spambot.

 

The fact that you can take some responsibility for your past behavior is a good thing. However, your approach might need tweaking.

 

Best of luck.

[turnera]

Given your past, and the likelihood that she stopped loving you because of it, the only way out of this I can see is for you to explain to her that this has been a huge wakeup call for you; that you now see what taking care of a wife is all about; that, whether with her or your next wife, you WILL be the man a woman would want to be with; but that you're not willing to sit around and wait for her to stop committing adultery - so she has one chance left to keep you in her life and have the marriage she wanted, and that involves never contacting OM again. You can't take much more of her blatantly cheating in your face, so you're going to wait no more than a week for her to make up her mind before you go see your lawyer. This shows her that you've evolved and won't hurt her again, but that you've regained your cajones too, and won't be walked on (this is to get her respect back).

[icDude]

 

The fact that you can take some responsibility for your past behavior is a good thing. However, your approach might need tweaking.

 

 

That is why I am here. To find out what to tweak. I appreciate everyone's comments and understand the call to end things. I have considered both options, but I think divorce is the final stray, not the initial one. I have told her to end it, vehemently. Now I wait and see. She does have to make up her mind, I think that is for real. Should I make it tough on her, perhaps... but as you mention my past behavior was considerably hurtful, which means I may have to regain her trust and respect. Right now she is not sure she can trust me. Which I guess makes two of us.

[icDude]

You can't take much more of her blatantly cheating in your face, soyou're going to wait no more than a week for her to make up her mind before you go see your lawyer. This shows her that you've evolved and won't hurt her again, but that you've regained your cajones too, and won't be walked on (this is to get her respect back).

 

Much of what you say is what I am doing. But for clarity, while I know she is in contact with the OM she is not blatantly cheating in my face, she is very discrete about the whole thing, while admitting most of what she is doing when prodded. I think she knows that I have cajones, too. Tomorrow I see the counselor, based on that I will give her a time line. She now knows I have consulted and retained a lawyer.

[Owl]

Owl - hard to believe you asked this - I think the evidence shows she doesn't respect him at all. That why she answers "I don't know" - she can't even be honest with that basic question.

 

The question was rhetorical, intended to get the OP to think about the answer, rather than provide information that wasn't already relatively evident.

 

I wanted him to THINK about the answer, rather than actually provide me with information that I was pretty sure about already.

 

This leads to the next part...what steps, what actions, what changes can he make now to begin to garner that respect?

 

A woman can't respect a man she can walk all over, and treat like a doormat.

 

A woman can't respect a man who accepts unacceptable behavior and treatment from her.

 

A woman can't respect a man that is clingy/needy/whiny or scared of losing her.

 

The OP needs to keep this in mind while he's dealing with her. He needs to realize that if he chooses to "fight" for his marriage...he needs to do so WITHOUT losing more respect by the actions above.

 

He GAINS respect by drawing boundaries and enforcing consequences, by not allowing her to treat him like dirt, by not accepting blame for things that aren't his fault.

 

He GAINS respect by taking direct action to protect himself, fight for his marriage (if he chooses to do so), and to otherwise EXPECT to be treated with respect.

 

But...the OP has to understand the WHY so that he can work through the HOW.

 

Hence my question.

[beach]

Much of what you say is what I am doing. But for clarity, while I know she is in contact with the OM she is not blatantly cheating in my face, she is very discrete about the whole thing, while admitting most of what she is doing when prodded. I think she knows that I have cajones, too. Tomorrow I see the counselor, based on that I will give her a time line. She now knows I have consulted and retained a lawyer.

 

It doesn't make it ok because she's discrete - she's still DOING it.

[Steadfast]

IMO, if you've struck this woman than you cheated first. Men, by nature and overwhelming average are physically stronger than women, and that strength (whatever the measure) is in place for her security. By using it against her, you've violated the same trust she's violating now. Once either line has been crossed (infidelity or physical abuse) there is no going back. Even in full remission, every passing day is one more day of not repeating the action. You can no longer say it won't happen, you can only claim it won't happen again. We all face the consequences of our actions...good or bad, and we can't always know what those will be.

 

From here on out, you must decide where the line is and how much you're willing to take in rebuttal. But, seeing as how you've lost your 'innocence' in this relationship, I'd handle the matter quietly. Do not assume I'm condoning her actions; I'm not. True love grows in the face of trials. Weakness, selfishness or hate allows justification. It's a dirty scene.

 

...while I understand what you're saying, (it) doesn't hold water. you're teaching your kids all the wrong ways to act within the dynamics of a relationship.

 

This is within your power to correct. And your first, most important duty.

 

If I were you, I'd lay it all on the table and see what's left. Explain your poor position and seek clarity. In most cases, once a woman closes her heart, it's closed for good. You've both combined to ruin the relationship, now the question must be asked; can you combine to repair it?

[icDude]

You've both combined to ruin the relationship, now the question must be asked; can you combine to repair it?

 

I am not proud of my previous actions in this relationship and I have said as much to my wife. This event (a slap to the face) occured early in our attempts at living together to raise our daughter. It was clear that neither of us was ready for this type of responsibility and neither of us was sure we wanted to be there. But 6 years have passed since that event and I felt that we were both in better control of our emotions. Our fights can be extreme on both sides, learning to control them is a key step if we want this to work.

We have, as you said, both combined to ruin this relationship, but now I am trying to repair it; the question is whether she will want to as well.

 

Owl: I have definetly felt clingy and needy lately. Boundaries and concequences are needed, but is divorce the only concequence conceivable? Shouldn't I give her some room because of the room she gave me over 9 years?

[dreamingoftigers]

How is she contacting him?

[Owl]

Owl: I have definetly felt clingy and needy lately. Boundaries and concequences are needed, but is divorce the only concequence conceivable? Shouldn't I give her some room because of the room she gave me over 9 years?

 

No.

 

You shouldn't.

 

Here's your problem, point blank.

 

You're ALREADY trying to negotiate from a position of weakness. I grant you've behaved badly...and frankly all of that just gives her more reason NOT to choose to reconcile with you.

 

Your best hope is to get time to demonstrate changed behavior to her...but if you don't end the affair...you will NEVER get that time.

 

If you want to allow her to continue to dictate how this is going to go...if you want to continue to beat yourself up for the past, and use that as a reason to permit her to continue on with her behavior, go for it. I don't see any way that this leads to reconciliation, but I could be wrong.

 

It's your marriage. Do what you think is best.

 

You came here looking for advice...I offered mine. If you don't agree, there's no requirement for you to take it.

 

If you have other things in mind for consequences to her boundary violations, go for it. Again...your marriage, your boundaries, it's up to you to decide what you feel is the appropriate consequence.

 

I've offered all I can.