The story of RoboHobo.

[RoboHobo]

Hey all,

 

I joined this site yesterday and being able to give some advice and support to you is really great, although I wish that we could be celebrating each others joys instead!

 

I've decided that it's time that you guys heard my story, just so you know where I am at.

 

Three and a half years ago I met this amazing girl who I developed feelings for. When I met her she was going out with my best friend at the time, and so there was never any consideration on my part that we would ever date. After a short time dating him she dated another friend of mine and then another guy I knew. There was never much time between these relationships. I developed a good friendship with her through all this, never believing that I stood a chance, but at least I her in my life in some way.

 

Fourteen months ago, much to my surprise, she realized that she liked me and we started dating. I finally unbottled my emotions and we fell in love with each other. It was the most amazing fourteen months of my life, an experience I will always treasure. Last week, a group of friends and us went on vacation to the Drakensburg, this is a really beautiful mountain range in South Africa. She seemed so distant for the first day or to that on Tuesday I finally confronted her about it. She told me that life had become so hard lately for her that she wasn't coping and needed to cut down on the things that were causing her so much angst. We had become so close that we really depended on each other for emotional support and she couldn't cope with this at the moment. She is struggling with a really bad boss at work (she works full time at a web development company as a Graphic Designer), she is trying to finish her studies and deal with the painful ending of two past relationships and a terrible family life. She is really independent and realizing her dependence on me was a huge blow to her. There were other influences that allowed her to realize that the relationship was starting to become to stressed and cracked. I too have unresolved issues that were causing me depression, and she felt that she needed to make me happy. This was never true, but her interpretation of the situation cause her even more grief.

 

Most everyone though that we were going to get married, and she saw that path in front of her too. This scared her because we are both still young, she is 21 and I am 24, and also because there are a number of marriages that she sees as what ours might turn out to be like. She knows that in order for her to have a successful relationship with anyone she needs to deal with her ghosts first and then move on. So, she broke up with me for saying that it would at least be for six months, but there are no guarantees and if I find someone else I must move on. For now she wants to she if she can be single for a while because it has been so long since she was last on her own. She needs to find her own inner strength and be happy with who she is. She told be that I was perfect and that I can do much better than her, I know this sounds like a line but she is a very depressed person who really does think very lowly of herself, and I believe that she was only saying what she truly believed. During our friendship and our relationship constantly I tried to tell her time and time again what an amazing person she is and show her that I love her with all my heart, but this was always replied to with "Your opinion is biased...".

 

Over the past couple days I have spoken to both our mutual friends and her close friends about what is happening between us, and they have all said the same thing: You guys are great together and perfect for each other but I just don't know what will happen. Okay, one or two were adamant that we would end up dating again and I hope that they are right. This has obviously been the worst week of my life, I miss her and am hurting so much.

 

I saw her last week Thursday for a short while, I had promised to drop off some CD's for her. I told her then that I still love her and she said that she still loves me but that she needs some perspective time. So we are now on at least a month of no contact, except for in the case of an emergency. I told her in the Burg that I respect her wishes, hope she will get better soon and that I will always be there for her, and I repeated that again when I said goodbye on Thursday. Since then, as promised, I haven't contacted her directly although I have give some of the stuff that I had at my house to her friends to give to her along with some messages. I have also been in contact with her friends asking them to take care of her for me and secretly making sure that she is okay. She is hurting a lot right now, which I can't help, although I wish I could.

 

I have grown so much over the last couple of days, and have been able to come to some realizations about myself and about our relationship. I want us to be together again more than anything, but more important to me right now is being her friend. I think for the next few months, while she is confronting her demons, she needs a friend more than a boyfriend. She is my best friend and I want to be there for her. I also need to mend the problems that I have.

 

I am doing everything I can to respect her wishes right now, although at times I have almost broke the no contact promise. When this happened I phoned a friend instead. I am trying to be as strong as I can be right now and become a better person. It is hard though, because I love her with all I am and the uncertainty that we will get back together is killing me, and more than that, I don't want to loose my best friend. If I can't have her as a partner I want her as my friend. She is a kind wonderful person and I miss her more every moment.

 

It's been nearly six days with out seeing her and I can't wait to talk to her again.

[HokeyReligions]

Wow.

 

First, welcome to LoveShack! Glad you are here. You'll get loads of opinions and advice---some of which you may not like, but I think you'll find a lot of value even in those who disagree with you.

 

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing. I know its hard on you---but often the hardest things to do are the right things, the most worthwhile things.

I have also been in contact with her friends asking them to take care of her for me and secretly making sure that she is okay. She is hurting a lot right now, which I can't help, although I wish I could.

I do want to say that you sound like a protector. I'm a protector too and let me warn you, that aspect of your personality can cause you a lot of unecessary hurt. I've also been a leaner and leaned on my husband when I needed to stand myself and that was bad for everyone. There is a fine line between holding a hand and giving emotional support, and being a prop to hold someone up.

 

She needs to stand on her own two feet and it's not up to you to support her. You can't protect her or shield her. If you do that she will never be able to stand on her own and she will never be able to have self-confidence. Its easy to keep reaching out to someone if they are right behind them saying it's okay to fall, I've got you. Let her fall if she needs to. She won't learn to get back up again if she doesn't fall at least once.

 

I loved my husband more after he stepped back from me and let me fall. I respected him more also. I felt better about myself the first time I was able to let go of something that I had no business trying to protect or a situation I tried to control. I realized it was not up to me. It's constant work on my part, but it is worth it because it makes the relationships stronger (relationships with friends, family, co-workers, and my husband)

[RoboHobo]

Thanks for your support HokeyReligions, it is greatly appreciated. I totally get your point about being a protector and will try to remove myself from this role too. It is difficult though because I don't want to ever see her hurt. I'm glad to hear that things are better between you and your husband. I know that with all the effort that you are putting in it is and will be a great relationship.

[djones]

Hi RoboHobo,

 

Welcome, I too joined this group reciently and you will find some help and friends here. I have a similar situation like you, my ex and I care for each other and miss each other and our break up is due to her new stresses she has with ehr career, she is also very caring and she does not like to do thing half ass, and that includes in a relationship...just like your girl....I dont know what to say but just hang in there, the no conact thing is hard, i am going through it too, we dont call each otehr but she does send me the odd e-mails. You know if find that the people here on this forum are all good people and we are just are on a rocky road right now, I wish i knew what will happen if we will get back together, and i am sure everyone thinks the same...but we all just have to wait and see what happens...it sucks though

[RoboHobo]

Yup, it sucks a huge amount. I know we are all on or have been on that uncertain road at some point and agree with you that the only thing to do is be strong. I'm sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation, I would never wish this on anyone. We are at this point in our lives though and I'm really glad that there is a place like this where I can come to for support and advice, and to find some friends too.

[djones]

Yeah it sucks for all of us...its funny to see that it does not matter your age love can affect us all and it hurts just the same ...FYI I am 30 and she's 26.....