LaDiva Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Hey guys -- I know I posted a random and somewhat incomprehensible post about my situation, but here is the gist of it - even though the gist itsself might be long, I ask that you stick with me for a bit. My husband and I have been together since September 2008. We got married in December 2010 even after the both of us had some boundary issues with other people - Read previous posts. In December 2010, two weeks before we got married, his children's mother who has been his ex for eight years went to children's services and to the police and filed charges against him alleging sexual abuse of their two daughters. My eight year old stepdaughter told me "I dunno why my mom is so mad that you and daddy are getting married." What could I say to that without being inappropriate with an 8 year old kid. I just told her you should ask her because I don't know if that's how she feels. DH & I kept the wedding date as planned because we knew this was done by his ex out of anger and not getting married or progressing how we wanted to in our relationship would be like letting her win with her shenanigans. During the following year we went to forensic psychologists and law guardians and ACS appointments and supervised visitation only in public, Christmas and New Years sucked, we were both crying and stressed, only to have it proven in court that the allegations were false and the kid's mom had criminal sanctions put against her . It was a HUGE RELIEF to have the children awarded to him 3.5 days a week and she has 3.5 days a week from the original visitation schedule of 4 days out of the month (every other weekend). We went to marriage counseling with a pastor who I think my husband and I both did very well with. He suggested IC in addition to the MC because he felt that both my husband and I had deep rooted issues that caused discord in our relationship. That no doubt we love each other but if we cannot control how we relate in the relationship our relationship is doomed. We stopped both the MC and IC and even had a session or two of FC, because well that is a harrowing thing to be accused of and the accusations did not stop there. DH lost his job due to the allegations and custody case. He was laid off because they said that there was no work, but we both know the job felt uncomfortable with so much drama... the ex was calling them telling them they have a pedophile working for them etc. He even showed his boss all the paperwork from the state and from the court but he was let go August 2011. Since he was laid off, I have tried to be the supportive wife by saying, it's okay I've got us for a while. And for a while he was trying. In June 2012 he began talking actively about going "hardcore" to find a job because we need to get a house by the time he's 45. That he wants his family to be all set. I put him into contact with my uncle who lives in the south shore of Massachusetts (Beantown girl to the death of me ) and they seemed to kick it off. They spoke about the real estate market, loans and job offerings (side note: my uncle has a LOT of kids but is still successful and owns a 5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a huge backyard in Nantasket Beach). Its like he gained ambition that I so desperately wanted to see in him overnight. He said that he didn't want me to work anymore because I've done so much for the family and that since I do consulting work, we are going to have our own full-time family business. So I did the dba license and was working on the other things like LLC and trademark... I never saw DH so excited in my life. But then in July he became obsessed with finding a job, he started going downtown and couldn't find anything. The printing industry is dead, and that is where he has worked for 15 years. So he starts coming home with novelties and says he bought them wholesale he is going to sell them at retail price until he gets a job. This worked for about 2 weeks, because it was around 4th of July and kids and barbecues --- so he made $350 - $500 on a weekly basis. However, I think when the holiday passed and then we had this enormous heatwave and no one was buying anything, I think that knocked him down to square one. When I would talk to him about still looking for a job in another field, he became angry and said that I didn't believe in him. That I was putting him down. I tried to explain that I'm not trying to do either and I just want him to contribute something other than ideas. I began to notice angry albeit sometimes paranoid idealization from him about how he's tired of his family and even ME thinking that we/I are/am better than him and how he is "the man" and he could have 50 million chicks and be a bachelor but yet he chose to marry me. "Why D? Because I loved you that much! But you can't just let me be me and figure it out on my own you gotta be in control. I'm tired of this sh**, I'mma be the man of my house now, and if you don't like it, then there's the door." So after all of this, we had a huge argument and I left with an overnight bag. I said I wanted a divorce. But I don't think I meant it... I think I was just tired of always being there for everybody and not feeling that he was trying to at least be my partner or on my team. He got upset that I said that and so he packed all my stuff and put it out on the sidewalk. I am staying with a friend since July 21, but everytime I talk to him, sometimes he calls me or sometimes I call him, he says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore - that this is an official separation, that he is getting a divorce now whether I want to or not. He refers to me as his "friend" now and soon to be ex. I can't tell if this is the drugs talking because he is hurt or is this how he really feels and he is telling me because he is hurt.
Alicant310 Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 Hey guys -- I know I posted a random and somewhat incomprehensible post about my situation, but here is the gist of it - even though the gist itsself might be long, I ask that you stick with me for a bit. My husband and I have been together since September 2008. We got married in December 2010 even after the both of us had some boundary issues with other people - Read previous posts. In December 2010, two weeks before we got married, his children's mother who has been his ex for eight years went to children's services and to the police and filed charges against him alleging sexual abuse of their two daughters. My eight year old stepdaughter told me "I dunno why my mom is so mad that you and daddy are getting married." What could I say to that without being inappropriate with an 8 year old kid. I just told her you should ask her because I don't know if that's how she feels. DH & I kept the wedding date as planned because we knew this was done by his ex out of anger and not getting married or progressing how we wanted to in our relationship would be like letting her win with her shenanigans. During the following year we went to forensic psychologists and law guardians and ACS appointments and supervised visitation only in public, Christmas and New Years sucked, we were both crying and stressed, only to have it proven in court that the allegations were false and the kid's mom had criminal sanctions put against her . It was a HUGE RELIEF to have the children awarded to him 3.5 days a week and she has 3.5 days a week from the original visitation schedule of 4 days out of the month (every other weekend). We went to marriage counseling with a pastor who I think my husband and I both did very well with. He suggested IC in addition to the MC because he felt that both my husband and I had deep rooted issues that caused discord in our relationship. That no doubt we love each other but if we cannot control how we relate in the relationship our relationship is doomed. We stopped both the MC and IC and even had a session or two of FC, because well that is a harrowing thing to be accused of and the accusations did not stop there. DH lost his job due to the allegations and custody case. He was laid off because they said that there was no work, but we both know the job felt uncomfortable with so much drama... the ex was calling them telling them they have a pedophile working for them etc. He even showed his boss all the paperwork from the state and from the court but he was let go August 2011. Since he was laid off, I have tried to be the supportive wife by saying, it's okay I've got us for a while. And for a while he was trying. In June 2012 he began talking actively about going "hardcore" to find a job because we need to get a house by the time he's 45. That he wants his family to be all set. I put him into contact with my uncle who lives in the south shore of Massachusetts (Beantown girl to the death of me ) and they seemed to kick it off. They spoke about the real estate market, loans and job offerings (side note: my uncle has a LOT of kids but is still successful and owns a 5 bedroom 2 bathroom house with a huge backyard in Nantasket Beach). Its like he gained ambition that I so desperately wanted to see in him overnight. He said that he didn't want me to work anymore because I've done so much for the family and that since I do consulting work, we are going to have our own full-time family business. So I did the dba license and was working on the other things like LLC and trademark... I never saw DH so excited in my life. But then in July he became obsessed with finding a job, he started going downtown and couldn't find anything. The printing industry is dead, and that is where he has worked for 15 years. So he starts coming home with novelties and says he bought them wholesale he is going to sell them at retail price until he gets a job. This worked for about 2 weeks, because it was around 4th of July and kids and barbecues --- so he made $350 - $500 on a weekly basis. However, I think when the holiday passed and then we had this enormous heatwave and no one was buying anything, I think that knocked him down to square one. When I would talk to him about still looking for a job in another field, he became angry and said that I didn't believe in him. That I was putting him down. I tried to explain that I'm not trying to do either and I just want him to contribute something other than ideas. I began to notice angry albeit sometimes paranoid idealization from him about how he's tired of his family and even ME thinking that we/I are/am better than him and how he is "the man" and he could have 50 million chicks and be a bachelor but yet he chose to marry me. "Why D? Because I loved you that much! But you can't just let me be me and figure it out on my own you gotta be in control. I'm tired of this sh**, I'mma be the man of my house now, and if you don't like it, then there's the door." So after all of this, we had a huge argument and I left with an overnight bag. I said I wanted a divorce. But I don't think I meant it... I think I was just tired of always being there for everybody and not feeling that he was trying to at least be my partner or on my team. He got upset that I said that and so he packed all my stuff and put it out on the sidewalk. I am staying with a friend since July 21, but everytime I talk to him, sometimes he calls me or sometimes I call him, he says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore - that this is an official separation, that he is getting a divorce now whether I want to or not. He refers to me as his "friend" now and soon to be ex. I can't tell if this is the drugs talking because he is hurt or is this how he really feels and he is telling me because he is hurt. LOOK- As much as you are involved with this person in this length of time..youre gonna have to let him handle this on his own. Dont get involved! THis is NOT your place. He can file motion to strike under the premise that this merely a foolish act out in her part because he's moved on with his life
Author LaDiva Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Unfortunately I wish I had've known to stay out of it. I enmeshed myself into every aspect since I was also named as a perpetrator by this woman. That was almost a year ago in November that he was given all of his rights back. What I was trying to say is, I think he has never dealt with those things with IC and then to lose his job because of it...
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