retroactive jealousy predicament.... !

[redroute1]

I have never been the jealous type and I am not sure I would define what I feel as jealousy. My new girlfriend sexual past is really affecting me. I have had quite a few girlfriends in my life and never felt anything like this before. Not even close. I think I just love her so much that the thought of her with someone else hurts. We only talked about our pasts once and it has not come up since. I never say a word about my hurt. The truth is I rarely feel hurt when I am with her,, but when we are apart it hurts the most. Now, I am not insecure at all. I know what I am and what bring to a relationship. I am certainly not jealous of other men, trust me on this.

But here is the thing...my girlfriend has never been in a relationship before. Never had a boyfriend. She dated 4 guys, but they were all fwb. I think she has only had sex like 50 times in her whole life. She describes it as a series of ONS with the same guy. They would go to very, cheap motels for sex. She never brought them to her house. Only the motels. She cried a little when she told me. I think it hurt her. She is honest with me and I 100% believe her. No trust issues at all. The problem I have is...I have had a few girlfriends, but never ONS. I am fairly traditional and believe in committed relationships before sex. She says she believe the same way I believe now and would not do FWB again. I totally believe her. The problem I have is I don't respect ONS's at all.

No moral judgments, just not for me. They have always been a big red flag for me and I normally would just drop any idea of a relationship. I just love this girl...so I have been moving on with her enduring the bit of pain I feel. I just can't seem to shake the nagging feeling of disrespect I feel for that small part of her life.

Now ....I have met a very nice girl whom I am strictly friends with. I never flirt with her, 100% platonic. We discussed the topic of dating and she sees dating the same way I do. This got me thinking....if I met a girl like my girlfriend.... all things the same except instead 4 ONS-type relationships she only had committed relationships would it change how I felt? Would I prefer her over my GF just because of her sexual past? What do you think? Do sexual pasts matter in the long run? Thanks for any thoughtful comments!

[MCMLXXXIX]

I understand your predicament on two levels. I am a bit like you and a bit like your GF also. A different matter about my own GF's sexual past led me to ask myself the same questions you asked yourself. I am glad I am not alone in this. Thing is, I don't think I could find someone that would suit me just as much as my current GF, at least not for a little while. I decided to give it a go, let her know my opinion on the issue and trust her.

 

In your case, it is different. It seems to me these ONSs weren't really ONSs. There is no such thing as a repeated ONS. If you date someone strictly for sex, you call that a FWB situation. A ONS happens only once with someone you don't date and that you most likely just met. I think it was honest of you GF not to call those encounters relationships if she wasn't in love with (or simply liked) any of those 4 guys. If you are the first person she says she wants to commit to, you might actually be in luck.

 

Now, did you yourself ever entertain FWB relationships with anyone? I know I did. Still, at some point, I knew that if I was to meet someone I would really be into, I was going to seriously commit. In the meantime, what was I to do? Never have sex? Perhaps your girlfriend thought that way too. I don't think you should be worried about it. It seems to me she wanted to experience sex, but perhaps didn't have the will and energy (and the right guy) to start a relationship.

 

It seems natural to me she'd want to do that (casual sex). I tend not to believe people who tell me they always had meaningful relationships, one after the other. Now why would she call those ONSs? She might be ashamed. Sexual exploration for women is often repressed (that is why some of them become full-on sluts thinking that's how they should express themselves). That is matter for debate.

 

All in all, If the two of you want commitment, I don't think there's anything wrong with your girlfriend. Now stop worrying and go make her happy.

Edited August 10, 2012 by MCMLXXXIX

[redroute1]

Now, did you yourself ever entertain FWB relationships with anyone? I know I did. Still, at some point, I knew that if I was to meet someone I would really be into, I was going to seriously commit. In the meantime, what was I to do? Never have sex? Perhaps your girlfriend thought that way too. I don't think you should be worried about it. It seems to me she wanted to experience sex, but perhaps didn't have the will and energy (and the right guy) to start a relationship.

 

It seems natural to me she'd want to do that (casual sex). I tend not to believe people who tell me they always had meaningful relationships, one after the other. Now why would she call those ONSs? She might be ashamed. Sexual exploration for women is often repressed (that is why some of them become full-on sluts thinking that's how they should express themselves). That is matter for debate.

 

All in all, If the two of you want commitment, I don't think there's anything wrong with your girlfriend. Now stop worrying and go make her happy.

 

Wow-thanks for the response. You make some really great points. The only FWB situation I ever indulged in was my first time, when I lost my virginity. Such an overall awful experience for me that i think it scewed my perception of those type of relationships. Thus my next 5 relationships, were very traditional. I made sure I was in meaningful and committed before I went any further. Anatomically speaking, I simply can't perform unless I feel something for the girl. Still after reading your very logical points, it is still difficult for me to grasp the whole ONS FWB dynamic, but I truly understand the points you made. Thanks! Just for the record I absolutely don't think my gf was a slut for experimenting at all. It is just a nagging wish that she had chosen differently even for her sake, she teared up thinking about it. Thanks!

[MCMLXXXIX]

No problem, I'm impressed you didn't flirt with that other girl you met BTW. Maybe you're not attracted, but whatever, even with doubts in your mind about your relationship, you didn't yield. I wish you the best.