How could he just walk away?

[Confused 111]

Long story short - got in touch with me when he was coming over for a holiday at end of march - spent the whole night drinking and hanging out, next day he asked to see me that nite and stay before we both left Christchurch, NZ for Alexandra, NZ the next day (separately cos of various reasons) then spent the whole week together before he left back to work in the mines again.

 

Stayed in touch every day and after his next break he said he wanted to see me again so booked flights to come back to nz again on his following break. got some bad news from his ex (who he has a child with) that she was moving his son to queensland (from Dunedin, NZ), he got quite upset about it and said he cant do what he was doing with me anymore, spent the next week just casually talking (not as much as we had been) and the he arrived back and spent the next 2 weeks together every day.

 

The day he left he said he had left his greenstone for me to collect (later told me he hadnt given it to me himself cos he wasnt sure what was happening with us). we then skyped/txted every day and proceeded to talk about our future and what we both wanted from each other (he even said he loved me first so we started saying that to eachother too) - we both want to settle down and live a quiet life, live in australia until we had bought a house and paid it off and then return to live in the house in Central Otago, NZ where we both are from.

 

Both wanted to have a child down the track with him saying 'its a date for the future' and me agreeing. Both love doing the same things, both dont want to party all the time, enjoying having a few drinks together and with friends and want to go out every now and then.

 

He said he was going to wait until he was back at xmas time to ask me but asked me then if I would like to move to be with him in Perth and while i was deciding if i did or not he was asking me every day and then when i said yes he offered to help pay for me to get over there and i would head over before xmas to see if i liked it and then come back with him when he did for his break over xmas. He then said that if i wasnt going to leave him (his came home from work one say last November and his gf, ex now, had moved herself and their son back from Perth, Australia to NZ without him knowing), that he would like us to start working towards me moving over after his xmas break (i would fly back with him to Adelaide, Australia and we would drive together to perth to start our life together. He wanted to ask me in person but said he wanted us to be a couple so we put it on fb as 'in a relationship but its complicated' until he was back next to do it properly.

 

He was then on his break where he drove from perth to adelaide (where he was gonna live on his breaks until i moved over). While he was in adelaide he said he didnt think he would be able to afford to come back until xmas as he was trying to buy a house (I said I understood and knew that was what he wanted to do), he said i would probably find someone else but i assured him i didnt want to and wont and we both said we still wanted it and we would make it work. Told me on the thursday that his family he was staying with in Adelaide wanted to meet me too and that he loved me). On friday morning he said he wasnt sure if he was ready and sat night when he was back at work we spoke on skype an he said to keep my chin up and called me babe.

 

Sunday night I got a txt to say he found out some **** news and he felt he was losing the plot and he wanted to be on his own and do his own thing, that i deserve better and ended it. I know the news was about his son and I know things are still not quite sorted through the lawyers yet. He has told me he meant everything he said to me in the past and that he still thinks about me, is blocking everything out and trying to sort his **** out.

 

He has said he understood if i have to cut him out of his life but that i can contact him - he has made no contact but once when he said he had a missed call from me while he was at work but there was no way there could of been a missed call from me).

 

Please help me and give advice, I cant understand how someone can just walk away after all of this... Im heartbroken

[jasonbon2012]

After five years of marriage relationship my husband asked me for divorce but i can't even think to leave him because I still love him but he doesn’t want to keep our relationship anymore. Every morning, I ask myself is their problem with me and how I can sort it out? For last five years, we were living happy life and we were very happy from this relationship but with time, he changed. I always try hard to hold up this relationship and try to make him happy.

 

I shared this with my friend and she suggests me few ideas to hold up this relationship but it couldn’t make any changes. I start searching on internet to find solutions for myself to make this relation alive again. In mean time, I found some useful videos and books but I like most is “How to make him fall in love with you” The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want To Leave which is looks realistic to me.

 

Now, I am trying to get our relationship on stable mode and trying to tie it up and it’s working.

 

I believe it will help you too.

[becs_3]

It sounds to me like this, I was in a R with a guy for 6 years who lived the lifestyle yours does, away for a bit for work, home for a bit, away... family 'stresses dramas' and he reacted the EXACT same way - shut down, closed off, needs to 'block everything else and detach' when dealing with s***.

 

I think I few things need to be considered, how old you are, how long you've been 'dating', is it comms just text or phone? email or face to face? How often do you actually see him?

 

When guys love like this - they get used to the independent lifestyle even if they enjoy and want a girlfriend and do want the whole picket white fence house too.

 

There are a few things about this guy that are red flags for me and I REALLY hope you heed my advice because, most people want to work it out and think about it, and like to talk it out - but end up thinking they know their situation better than strangers and they "know him".

 

I'd say this is a CLEAR SIGN how he deals with stress in his life - when something gets hard, or tough, or stressful HE SHUTS DOWN AND LEAVES. THIS is not someone who will make you happy long term - then when they're on there up days - well then they are awesome, amazing, sweet, very attentive and THOSE are the days you crave more and more - this is what you're doing right now "why is he doing this after how attentive and close we were".

 

I could almost GUARENTEE YOU that if you did absolutely NOTHING, and I mean nothing........ in like a few months maybe sooner, mayber longer.. but 100% guarenteed he'll buzz you again and be like all is normal and slowly try to get your attention again.. like suddenly friendly again asking you something personal or a 'hey babe.. I've missed you , thought about that house yet?' or USUALLY with guys that are like this - they have a hard time with feelings so although he's saying ILY etc etc, he's still independent in his life.. and like he said he can understand if you'd never speak with him again - cos he KNOWS his behaviour is lax, but you're a good person and you care therefore you're likely to forgive him and "understand".

 

Maybe ONCE or TWICE, but honestly after the second time and I SERIOUSLY MEAN NO MORE AFTER THAT, after that .. after he shuts down again, you need to let him know that you're moving on and thanks for the memories but you need to be in a relationship with someone who can communicate their feelings and thoughts to you who don't just run off but work it through together.. you need someone to BE THERE. whether he can handle ot or not, it isn't just about him - a relationship is TWO people. TWO...

 

I think YES he is having a hard time, YES he is interested in you. THE problem is he still has alot of risdule issues that isn't just about his son, it is IN HIM... he runs, he doesn't communicate, and he makes you feel bad that is the bottom line. I know maybe every other day he's wonderful (TRUST ME - I have been there).

 

But what you need to do, if I were you is this - when he contacts you BE STRONG!!!! and ignore it - BE BUSY.. seriously... he'll eat that up.. you're not dying for his call. You're not waiting around or wondering what he's up to - you're busy busy bee and the BIG ONE = you're kind of losing interest... cos he's not around, hey and maybe even datiing some new people - LOOK I know you won't do that, you're going to miss him and be upset, this has made you think about him all the time now and wonder why.. and THAT is what you NEED To do to him... you need to ignore him when he gets in contact with you - not in a mean way, it's not being mean, infact you're being kind because they LOVE IT...

 

and it will make him respect you more, because of his behaviour - you can't change his core - he will ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS!!!!! run.... and do this **** ALWAYS... please believe me on that, it will be like this from day 1 to 10yrs down the rd... it' snot a way to feel in a relationship confused - you really really need to set boundries now - and I'm sorry to say you can be caring and forgiving in the sense you understand he has these things but yes - you've got to SHOW him and say to him too well you're NOt waiting around... you really really really do. You have to SET the rules early.

 

He needs to see NOW that you won't take this **** - and the way you do it isn't asking why, isn't responding to him right away when he WILL call or text, it is leaving it AT LEAST a week.. 7 days.. AT LEAST, make him sweat serious, ignore him when he contact you for 7 days and respind on the 7th... that is my advice. And then when you respond don't be ****ty or anything just be like "sorry so and so, I went away with my gfs and we were just busy doing a b c and I hadn't really time to talk at the moment, so figured I'd just text you when back"

 

Just be a bit more INDEPENDENT to him when he comes back - BE DETACHED SOMEWHAT... you can still be friendly without bieng all over him. And just - the next time he does it (and he will) so round two - that is when he says that stuff again in time (and he will run again "to deal with his ****" they all do it's a learnt behaviour from childhood he doesn't know any different than thinking about him in times of stress and drama - and dealing with one woman at a time ie his ex and the son) the NEXT time he does it and I mean the VERY next time, he gives you the excuse I don't care what it is... THIs time that is when you say "look I want you to be able to talk about these things with me, I can't be in a relationship where the guy just cuts and runs when things get hard in his life, we're suppose to be a team I want to be there for you" if he says "bla bla I just need to be alone right now, stressed bla bla" you say "ok you go do your thing, but please don't call me again unless you want to be in relationship where you don't run off, I won't be in a relationship like that - it is not fair on me for you to just up and leave with no contact."

 

that's when he'll say either he'll stay or go, (he'll likely go it's ingrained and he's testing you cos he's used to you forgiving him...) so you just go too, and NC... and then you go live, and either way you can't lose cos if he comes back he knows the score AND he's MORE LIKELY TO COME BACK AND GOVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT TOO... and you have to keep it up in the R thereafter. Don't keep forgiving and forgetting - or you'll set the stage for the relationship for the future and then eventually a divorce and a midlife crisis... it's just never going to be a good situation for you, and you'll waste years of your life on a man who can't even communicate with you whe he's going through a rough time and that is NOT a man you need to be around if it becomes a habit. Really isn't..

 

take care!

 

this is to jasonbon - I hear your pain do you realise your husband is already gone? he's asked for a divorce HE is gone.. BUT you can work on saving it NOT!!!!!!!! by what you're doing now. RIGHT NOW = you are pretzeling, you think it's YOU!!!!! and it's NOT YOU!!!! no matter what he says or does, PLEASE believe this is not about you it is him - it sounds to me like he's having a midlife crisis (do some research on the net about that! NOt about how to win back the love).

 

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS TRY TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT AND MAKE HIM LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

you need to NOT be like that seriously PLEASE listen to me.. I have seen it over and over and over in the years... and I have done ALOT of research on this. I can guarentee you he is already gone and even if he's still in the house and things are 'improving' it honestly only lasts for so long...

 

you need to act fast and this is a good place to start

a) read about midlife crisis on the net

and b) read this book:

 

I Don't Love You Anymore: What to do when he says,: David Clarke: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

 

"I Don't Love You Anymore: What to do when he says, [Kindle Edition] David Clarke (Author)"

 

 

 

this is more for people like jasonbon who are married and the husband has said as much. It has christian references (I am NOT christian or talk about God etc etc and I just sort of skip those parts so it doesn't matter if you are or aren't you will still get ALOt of valuable insights and guide to handling that sitution out of this book) as the author is christian and has councilled hundreds in this situation he is a PhD and this book is so spot on.

 

 

I think you're see yourself in this book Jasonbon... please stop trying to better yourself for him - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. This is WITHIN him.. he is going through a crisis. The MORE you try to the please him the more you will lose him.... please stand up and read this book, it's a start.

 

 

good luck girls! remember - NO man is worth living an unhappy life over, you should be happy and treated like a goddess you are they're JUST a man, a person, and you have feelings needs and thoughts that matter JUST AS MUCH TOO and you deserve that in a relationship/marriage - don't let any man control you or have that kind of power over you for a feeling of love you have for them.

[Confused cookie111]

Wow, I honestly think he just needs time and space to sort his stuff out.

You don't say things like that and then run.