me!

[horseaustin]

First of all, I'm sorry for the length of this post. So I have been with my boyfriend for over two years now. If you read my previous post you will see that last year in July he "broke up" with me and left the apartment that we live in together. This was out of nowhere and then he ended up moving back in after a month. Even though he continued to try to act like my boyfriend he didn't want to get back together saying that he didn't want a relationship.

 

Anyway, he was offered a job where he had to train in a different country for 10 months, and then move to a different state which he accepted last November. At that time we were still officially "not together", but he BEGGED me to come with him when he would make the final move (which would be this Sept 2012). I said that I would plan on it because we were getting along really well.

 

We kept in touch on Skype during this whole time and talked at least once everyday. In November 2011 our young cat had to have emergency surgery & ended up passing away unexpectedly We cried together on skype and he made me promise him that I wouldn't ever leave him because I meant the world to him. On Christmas he was visiting his family and made it a huge point to have me meet EVERYONE on skype. We talked for hours and he was very very happy. He then asked me to be his girlfriend again. I hesitated, but I finally said yes.

 

In February he had a HUGE, gorgeous flower arrangement sent to my work for Valentine's Day. Everyone told me how lucky I was. He also bought a plane ticket to see me the week after for a couple days that he could squeeze in between work. He went on a 14 hour flight to see me for 2 days!!! We had the best time ever and I felt so in love again. This is when I really finally started to let my guard down.

 

In April I went to visit him for a couple weeks. It was so amazing and he treated me like a princess. In May we celebrated our 2 year anniversary and he got me a beautiful ring (not engagement).

 

Then July came and I have to admit I was the tiniest bit nervous in the back of my mind because it was the month he had broken up with me last year. It was also his birthday. I sent him tons of presents and a card. He was sooooo happy and kept posting everything on Facebook to show people. He told me how lucky he was to have me.

 

Things started getting really intense and he kept telling me that when he gets back he wants to try for a baby. I didn't think he was serious at first, but apparently I hurt his feelings because he was. I told him nicely that I would probably like to get married before we have children. He kept telling me that he can't wait to be with me and he would never never want to be apart from me like this again. We also had plans to visit his family next Christmas so I could meet everyone in person.

 

A couple weeks later, he tells me that he got an offer to stay in the country he's in now, but it's up to me if I want to move there with him, or if we both move to the other state like the original plan. He said either way, he wants us to go together and it's even in his work contract. I ended up choosing the other country because I thought it would be a different experience. The past couple weeks we have been trying to find an apartment, figure things out, etc.

 

I admit it's been a little bit stressful trying to get this all done so soon. He comes back in a month from now and we were planning on leaving for the other country 2 weeks after that! Yesterday he finally got an apartment. We haven't really been arguing lately, except there were some weird bathrooms with a shower on top of the toilet in some of the apartments and I said I didn't want one like that (not in a mean way). I know it sounds silly, but he seemed a bit annoyed. I also expressed my concerns about moving to another country even though I was very excited. He also seemed annoyed by this even though I feel they were valid concerns. I have only moved once in my life and it was only a few hours away.

 

He has been the one looking for apartments because he insisted that he do it and I don't even look. Two days ago he was soooo excited because he found the "perfect" one for us. He showed me and I loved it! Then he started getting crabby about how much it costs and said that I'm "irresponsible & immature". I was very upset because he didn't even tell me how much it costs and I have no idea because he wouldn't let me look. I said we didn't have to live there, I thought he wanted to. I felt pretty hurt.

 

Yesterday he told me that he got the apartment! I was a little concerned and said that I feel so bad that I can't get a job there to help him. (I can't work until my paperwork is done & he told me he WANTS me to take the whole year off..I said I don't know if I will). He then got upset, said he'd just rather be alone, he has to work and I'm bothering him and signed off skype

 

Later on yesterday we talked on skype, but he wouldn't say anything. I ended up hanging up on him because he wasn't treating me nice. I then called back to apologize, but he said he didn't want to talk. Well, I woke up today to an email I think basically breaking up with me. I think I will need to post it below because I don't understand it to be honest.

 

I am heartbroken and confused, but I almost feel now that I should have known better. It's just that this whole time he's been gone (over 9 months now) he's acted like he's so in love with me and he's the one who pursued me. He really had me fooled I guess. I would have thought that if it wasn't going to work out, we would have broken up by now since we are so long distance. I have "waited" for him for all this time. He is coming home in exactly a month from today. I really just can't believe this.

 

I honestly am starting to think that he may be bipolar or have some other mental health issue. I can't think of any other explanation of why this would happen again. I don't think he's cheating on me for several reasons, but then again I could be wrong. It just seems like in a few days he turned into a completely different person, which is exactly what happened last time. It's almost like he has two completely different sides.

 

Another thing that concerns me is that during our "happy time" together he asks me questions like, "wait why didn't I go to the beach with you last summer?" and I have to remind him that it's because we were broken up, almost like he doesn't remember. Now when he is in this bad mood, he only refers to how "he tried to leave me before". Also he usually writes very well, but if you read his email you will see that it is very erratic sounding and maybe it's just me, but I can't even understand if he is leaving me or warning me that he wants to leave. If he really just doesn't love me, then I understand and accept it. If he is going through something I would want to stand with him & try to help him through it the best that I can. He is my best friend and our bond has always been very strong despite these issues.

 

Please someone give me advice because I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this is all a huge, terrible joke. I love this man with my whole heart and I would do anything for him. I've broken up with other people in the past and been broken up with, but this has been a whole different situation for me. Also, we canceled our apartment so not matter what, at the end of september I will have to leave

 

I was so excited to see him in a month, which seems like nothing compared to the 9 months we've been apart. I can't understand why he would do this now when it is SO close. He doesn't know that I saw the email and I'm almost thinking of saying I didn't get it just to see if his "mood" has passed by then. Please please any advice is appreciated! Thank you so much for reading this!

[horseaustin]

Here is his email.. I feel a little bad about sharing it, but I honestly don't understand. Maybe I'm just in shock, but can someone please tell me if he just broke up with me..or if he is thinking about breaking up/wants me to do it? I'm very confused & sad:

 

"Last night it really did it for me...And if I didn't want to talk about it is because I didn't have anything good to tell you. I still don't. All I can think of is how unhappy I have been, am and will probably be. For the last few weeks (months?) I have really really come to understand that you and I are not very compatible in a lot of ways, especially on things that are important to me; I don't want to go into details because I don't want this to turn into an argument, I don't need to be convinced otherwise and I don't need to convince you or try to make you see things from my perspective: I have tried to do this things several times in the past and you simply refuse to acknowledge that I know better than anyone else what are the things that make me truly happy and that I know the better than anyone how I want to live my life, and I have been very frustrated ever since. It all goes back to the fact that I am the happiest when I am alone, I miss being on my own and by myself the most: I honestly don't want to have a girlfriend EVER, I don't care how smart or beautiful or compatible with me she might seem, I know I'm the happiest when I'm alone. Unfortunately I don't think you will ever understand that, and from my point of view you seem to take advantage of the fact that I care about you and would never just abandon you to force me to stay in a relationship; Which I have to admit at times makes me feel happy but it is not the real happiness that I truly want. Anyway you don't seem to be able to let go no matter how hard I try so I just keep going with this relationship even though I am sacrificing EVERYTHING and living a life I NEVER wanted to. This should most definitely not come as a surprise to you because I have been honest and told you ow I feel several times, even if you don't seem to really care, instead you seem to like to make my life a lot harder and full of nuances and expenses and tons of s*** I would have never had without you. I am not an abusive boyfriend that likes to threaten to leave you all the time, I would have actually done it if you had let me, I don't know what you will make of this; I hope YOU would break up with ME but if you decide to stay and move on and change the way you always think that will make a difference then go on but I jsut want you to know how I feel now so it doesn't come to you as a surprise when I can't take this anymore."

[eeyore1981]

If it were me, I would send an email back stating, "Because I care for you and hate to see you struggle this way, I'll make it easy for you. Buh-bye."

 

Then I would go completely NC, block him on anything possible, not accept any calls, etc. I would grieve the loss of my relationship and move on.

 

This kind of stuff doesn't get better with time. If you keep playing his games, it will be five years of your life, then 10, etc. Walk away before you bring kids into it, that just makes it harder.

[quankanne]

honey, there are a WHOLE BUNCH of red flags in the two posts you shared, and frankly, I think it's in your best interest to let him go and cut off all ties. Because this is emotionally abusive behavior, him playing with you like a cat does a mouse, then places blame on YOU for his being upset/unhappy.

 

do you really want to invest more of your life with someone who doesn't respect you enough to not play mind games? Move on with your life, this jerk doesn't deserve you!

[Stillgrowing]

Not to keep repeating everyone but there are a ton of red flags and this won't get better with time. I know it's hard to understand that but if I had looked for the flags I would have saved myself 23 years of heartbreak.

 

Sg