first rule of dating - play hard to get or risk failure?

[kourix]

How true is the phrase – the way to a man heart is to play hard to get?

Does this apply to ALL men in general, even nice, decent men? Can girls never win if they come across as “too easy to get”? Or should I be running the other way when someone’s desire for me is only fuelled by how difficult you are to get?

 

I’m surrendering. I don’t know how to deal with men. I’ve never been one to play games, I hate games. I’ve always believed that games were meant for those who didn’t know what they want. If I’m interested in you, I’ll show it. But it seems like guys who are interested in me initially start flaking when I show genuine interest back. As for those I turn down, well, they seem to to gain even more interest.

 

The truth is, I have guys coming after me. BUT, if I like a certain guy, say X, I will make time for him, I will want to spend lots of time with him (like 2-3times a week), and text him everyday, or at least on alternate days. What I don’t tell him is how many other guys are texting me, and how I’m ignoring them. So even though I’m “in demand”, he won’t find out. However, it seems like guys DON’T want this. They WANT to know you’re in demand, they don’t WANT to be number one. Maybe we’re not as evolved as we think we are. Men still want to be able to “fight for their woman”. Is that it? And I guess to those other guys I reject, I’m “playing hard to get” and “unavailable” which seems to make them even more gaga.

 

Is this how it is? That from now on, each time I’m genuinely interested in a guy, I have to pretend to be something I’m not, pretend that I have ten others hot on my trail, break dates that I actually want to go on, simply because I want to look “busy” and not too available? This feels so dumb.

I would love it if a guy I’m interested in could just be happy I want to spend time with him, but it seems that’s not the case… or am I just attracted to the wrong type of men.

 

Any thoughts?

 

*This may apply to women as well, but I’m a girl, so that’s why I’m using my experience to question this.

[AlexCross]

I have never been one for games either. I am not a chaser. I think attraction and communication should be a mutual thing. If its not, then games will set the tone for the relationship if there is one.

 

I am not sure I agree with you on wanting to know that you in demand that that I am # 1. That is kind of tacky to throw it in a guys face that you are such a hot commodity and are turning guys down left and right. That is just something I don't think I would want to here. I am more of an actions speak louder then words kind of fellow. Unless your a serial multi dater, the fact that you are dating me proves to me that I in fact am number one. If that makes sense.

[USMCHokie]

I'm a firm believer in the boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy goes out with girl approach to dating. However, the "playing hard to get" approach is based in the premise that people want what they can't have. My belief is that it won't work on the quality guys because they can get the girl who actually shows she wants to be gotten.

[AlexCross]

I'm a firm believer in the boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy goes out with girl approach to dating. However, the "playing hard to get" approach is based in the premise that people want what they can't have. My belief is that it won't work on the quality guys because they can get the girl who actually shows she wants to be gotten.

 

The prettiest girlllllllllll I ever saw, was drinkinggggggggggggg bourbon through a strawwwwwwwwww

[yongyong]

well as an American women, you don't have to txt him first or ask him out.

At least, respond to his txt in timely manner and don't flake out on a date.

I don't think that's too much and a lot of guys even will appreciate your 'generosity'

 

When I notice a girl playing games with me, my intention changes from 'dating' her to 'bang & cum on her face and disappear'

 

This is true for most guys. They might either just delete her number 'f- this. I am wasting my time' OR they go like 'I am going to play my game too and lay this chick in the end'.

No guys will say 'oh she is playing a game. how sweet. if she comes out for a date, I will treat her very nice so she realizes I am a nice guy hehehe'

 

I had a great time with this chick. I followed up after several days. we were talking about where to meet. she just stopped txting. we were supposed to meet last friday. she txted me today saying she could hangout next week sometime. she didn't even say anything about last week. now is it bad if I just want to f-ck this chick?

she can enjoy 'being chased game' till she spreads her leg. Once I bang her, I can play 'being a player' game.

[fishtaco]

Trying being straight forward first. If you're not getting results, then you should decide to either bail out, or play mind games. So mind games should be a last resort.

 

But that's what I think. I'm someone that learned mind games out of necessity.

 

However, some people enjoy playing mind games. So then there are two trains of thoughts:

1) Try to identify the mind game players, and play mind games with ones that want to, and don't play games with ones that don't want to.

2) Consider it a filter, and let the mind game players naturally drop out, because you're not playing.

 

As long as you're getting what you want, there is no right or wrong. My preference is to use mind games as a last resort. What is considered last resort? I was searching for the best threshold and improve my judgement (it's different with every situation) before I got into a relationship. So I'm not calibrating myself anymore.

 

As far as in demand, that's a man's game. Women like men that are in demand. It's common knowledge that women like men that other women like. This is not as common for men.

 

It's up to you if you want to play that game. However, know this. I've had a chick tell me how she dates all these hot guys, then turned around and made it really obvious she wanted to go on a date. Then when I took her out on a date she panicked and ran away real fast when the date ended, i.e. she screwed up. So I dropped her.

 

Moral of the story, talk is cheap. I wasn't impressed with her "dating hot guys" verbal resume. In fact, I found it tacky. Then she screwed up the date, so she was out.

 

The funny thing was, she was actually earning points with me. But I'll spare you the story, since the rest of it has nothing to do with the topic.

 

By contrast, I was casually dating this woman for several months. We were getting serious. She was ready for exclusivity, but I wasn't sure. So she was in a holding pattern waiting for me. One time, called her up for a last minute let's go do this thing. Once we were on the date, she got out of the car to answer her phone. It was none of my business, so I stayed in the car and kept to myself. Later she came back, and sheepishly told me she feels bad because she canceled a date with someone else because she rather spend time with me. It all seemed very genuine, so that earned a lot of points with me. And yes, eventually, even though we were both multidating, we became exclusive.

 

So if you want to play the "I'm in demand but I like you best" game, make it look good. Or, don't play.

[The Way I Am]

I've been through the exact same train of thought as you in the past, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not quite as simple or disheartening as needing to play hard to get.

 

The truth is, I have guys coming after me. BUT, if I like a certain guy, say X, I will make time for him, I will want to spend lots of time with him (like 2-3times a week), and text him everyday, or at least on alternate days.

 

This might where you're going wrong. You don't have to play hard to get, but being too available too fast is an interest killer.

 

Making time for him is good, but if you immediately clear your schedule and drop all your other plans so you have nothing but time for him, that's not going to hold his interest. Texting every day is a little excessive unless he's texting first and you're just responding.

 

What I don’t tell him is how many other guys are texting me, and how I’m ignoring them. So even though I’m “in demand”, he won’t find out. However, it seems like guys DON’T want this. They WANT to know you’re in demand, they don’t WANT to be number one.

 

Only the douchey guys want that. Even the good guys need to feel like they're doing a little work to get you, but it doesn't need to be to the game-playing extent.

 

Show a guy interest and treat him well, but don't make your world revolve around him.

 

Let him make the first moves and respond positively to them.

 

Have enough going on in your life that if you don't respond to a text from him for a couple hours, it's not because you're playing games, but because you were buys jogging, surfing, reading, knitting, or whatever it is you like to do.

 

Quality guys want to be the only guy in your life, but they don't want to be the only THING in your life. It's important to make it clear that you're interested in him, but you have other things going on that keep you from being available to him 24/7.

[USMCHokie]

Quality guys want to be the only guy in your life, but they don't want to be the only THING in your life. It's important to make it clear that you're interested in him, but you have other things going on that keep you from being available to him 24/7.

 

Correct. It's called living your life. There need not be any "playing" of anything, which merely suggests deceit.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I wish this isn't so but my life experience points otherwise.

 

I never play hard to get on purpose, but when I am naturally not that interested in someone (and it shows through my lukewarm actions), guys go that extra mile in pursuit.

[USMCHokie]

I wish this isn't so but my life experience points otherwise.

 

I never play hard to get on purpose, but when I am naturally not that interested in someone (and it shows through my lukewarm actions), guys go that extra mile in pursuit.

 

Do you think this was characteristic of the particular kinds of guys you attracted in your life?

 

It would make sense that the traditionally "alpha" men would be attracted to the "playing hard to get," because they place such high social value on themselves. It's really not about you; it's about them. They feel slighted by your lack of interest regardless of who you are, so in order to restore value to their ego, they must pursue what they couldn't attain until they've "won" in order to show to themselves that they're still the bees knees...

 

But I merely speculate...

[darkmoon]

you are where I have been for alot of my life

 

it's not about easy or hard to get - the words are used about sex

 

not used about friendship << but friendship is better glue to start with and cuz if/when a man wants the sex side you have blindsided him into being your boyf my male friends hit on me anyway - to the guys here note i have male friends btw i think blindsided approxiamates my drift like, being lulled into being around when the gal wants them - and vice versa

Edited August 10, 2012 by darkmoon

[SJC2008]

IMO it can go both ways. If someone likes you they won't take hours or days to get back to you but if they have read some of the garbage on the net they may do so. Don't be too available etc whatever. There's nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone and making time to do so IMO.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Do you think this was characteristic of the particular kinds of guys you attracted in your life?

 

It would make sense that the traditionally "alpha" men would be attracted to the "playing hard to get," because they place such high social value on themselves. It's really not about you; it's about them. They feel slighted by your lack of interest regardless of who you are, so in order to restore value to their ego, they must pursue what they couldn't attain until they've "won" in order to show to themselves that they're still the bees knees...

 

But I merely speculate...

 

Yes actually....I am turned off by players, arrogant guys, blatantly rich and everything else that majority of girls is supposed to like. I am not into "alpha males".

 

And they probably rarely get rejected, so when they do, they pursue really hard. I am sure that once they "got me" they would lose interest. It's a speculation though, since I never go for them

[kourix]

i totally agree, guys always show more interest when i'm not interested. for eg. when they ask me out, i'll reject them with some excuse or just ignore them for a few days, but they'll happily ask again anyway. i don't get it.

 

i do have a life, but truth is, if i like a guy, especially at the beginning, i would want to spend as much time as i could with him. so if he's asking me out on a date and i really like him, i would try to reschedule my plans so i could go out with him. because 1) i like him and want to spend time with him more so than with my friends so i can get to know him better 2) i don't want to seem like i'm blowing him off, in case he loses interest because of that. you know, it's like the "honeymoon" phase.

 

that doesn't mean i don't have a life, i just choose to put him first, is that wrong? for eg. i could see him 2x a week and spend the other days with friends. if i'm available when you ask, you should be taking it as a compliment that i want to spend time with you and not be turned off because i'm "not busy enough".

all my girlfriends do this, and somehow they end up with guys who do this as well, and im pretty envious. i have couple friends who see it other everyday for the past 2 years, and they still are crazy about each other.

 

as for the guys i date, none of them seem to like this. i'm not asking to see him everyday, i just would like to know that he would like to see me often enough.

 

i have no qualms about asking a guy i like out (after the initial first date of course) - the only problem is, guys don't seem to like this. even if a guy is interested in a girl, if the girl starts initiating "dates", the guy loses interest, as this makes the girl seem "easy, too available and clingy". i don't get it. why can't it be simple? we like each other, we should want to see each other and it shouldn't matter if the girl asks you out. yet, it seems like people are telling me that i should always wait for the guy to ask me out, me asking him out turns him off.

 

plus, i could never be that girl - the one who tells people that i'm such hot stuff - like a previous poster said, it's tacky. i don't ever tell any guys that, but it seems like because they don't see/think i'm being pursued by other men, my value drops.

[truth_seeker]

When I notice a girl playing games with me, my intention changes from 'dating' her to 'bang & cum on her face and disappear'

 

This is true for most guys. They might either just delete her number 'f- this. I am wasting my time' OR they go like 'I am going to play my game too and lay this chick in the end'.

No guys will say 'oh she is playing a game. how sweet. if she comes out for a date, I will treat her very nice so she realizes I am a nice guy hehehe'

 

This is how lots of men think. You have two choices with a girl you like who is playing head games with you. Like Double Y said: either you date them or you bang them. The girl is setting herself up for some hurt, but how can she not blame herself for this outcome? If you're a girl, and you're going to mess with a guy, how can you be surprised when he turns the tables on you?

 

These are the same women on OLD complaining and moaning they can't meet a "nice guy". Of course you can't, you're playing games and asking to be played yourselves.

[proseandpassion]

The women I know who aren't "into games" are so overly direct and intense that it eventually scares a guy off. There's a difference between playing games and being a tad mysterious.

[InJest]

Being hard to get is what really works. When a girl plays hard to get with me, I **** other girls while I wait her out, then when she does give it up, I drop her within a couple weeks.

 

It always ends with something along the lines of, "I feel so used." My response to that is, "Do unto others..."

 

Use me for attention, get used for your pussy. Fair is fair.

[MrCastle]

I'm naturally a mysterious person so I'm gonna have to vote yes for hard to get?

 

But to be clear, a distinction needs to be made between low interest, and playing hard to get in order to ignite anticipation and interest.

 

I don't mind if a girl teases me if I know she digs me and in the end will lead to sex.

 

I do mind if she teases me and doesn't give me any signals to work with. That just means she isn't interested in my opinion.

[The Way I Am]

i do have a life, but truth is, if i like a guy, especially at the beginning, i would want to spend as much time as i could with him. so if he's asking me out on a date and i really like him, i would try to reschedule my plans so i could go out with him. because 1) i like him and want to spend time with him more so than with my friends so i can get to know him better 2) i don't want to seem like i'm blowing him off, in case he loses interest because of that. you know, it's like the "honeymoon" phase.

 

that doesn't mean i don't have a life, i just choose to put him first, is that wrong? for eg. i could see him 2x a week and spend the other days with friends. if i'm available when you ask, you should be taking it as a compliment that i want to spend time with you and not be turned off because i'm "not busy enough".

 

All that's pretty much what I had gathered from your initial post, and my original advice still stands. I didn't assume you don't have a life. I got the impression that you put that life on the back burner for the sake of a new guy. Everything you describe suggests you do. That's a mistake.

 

Sure, you need to make some effort, but not put your life on hold in order to get to know the guy. If you enjoy biking, go biking as you normally would. Don't keep yourself glued to the phone in case he texts or calls.

 

You can cancel plans for the first date so he doesn't think you're blowing him off. But if it's after the 1st date, and you genuinely already have plans with a friend on a day he asks you out, you tell him, "I would love to. I wish I could. I really can't go on Friday though. I have plans with my friend (insert name). How about we do that Saturday instead?"

 

You can even throw in some way you'll make it up to him. For example, while on the date, suggest stopping at an ice cream or yogurt store, your treat. Guys like it when you're not always available but still show you're into them. By not making yourself 100% available to him, you can actually be warmer and nicer without him thinking you're desperate or too easy.

 

all my girlfriends do this, and somehow they end up with guys who do this as well, and im pretty envious. i have couple friends who see it other everyday for the past 2 years, and they still are crazy about each other.

 

Have you asked them where they think you're going wrong?

 

as for the guys i date, none of them seem to like this. i'm not asking to see him everyday, i just would like to know that he would like to see me often enough.

 

I've noticed that is seems guys can tell when you're worried about how often they want to see you. I don't know how, but it sure seems like they can, and they read it as desperation.

 

i have no qualms about asking a guy i like out (after the initial first date of course) - the only problem is, guys don't seem to like this. even if a guy is interested in a girl, if the girl starts initiating "dates", the guy loses interest, as this makes the girl seem "easy, too available and clingy". i don't get it. why can't it be simple? we like each other, we should want to see each other and it shouldn't matter if the girl asks you out. yet, it seems like people are telling me that i should always wait for the guy to ask me out, me asking him out turns him off.

 

In my experience, that's true. I used to think it was sexist to expect the guys to always carry the burden of asking me out. I've been the one to initiate dates early on, and it worked out exactly as you describe. Now, I accept that it's true. Girls shouldn't ask guys out.

 

I just don't want a guy who can't get it together and ask for a 2nd and 3rd date. Guys expect to have to do this, so if he's not, he's probably not that interested.

[Gosh]

Trying being straight forward first. If you're not getting results, then you should decide to either bail out, or play mind games. So mind games should be a last resort.

 

But that's what I think. I'm someone that learned mind games out of necessity.

 

However, some people enjoy playing mind games. So then there are two trains of thoughts:

1) Try to identify the mind game players, and play mind games with ones that want to, and don't play games with ones that don't want to.

2) Consider it a filter, and let the mind game players naturally drop out, because you're not playing.

 

As long as you're getting what you want, there is no right or wrong. My preference is to use mind games as a last resort. What is considered last resort? I was searching for the best threshold and improve my judgement (it's different with every situation) before I got into a relationship. So I'm not calibrating myself anymore.

 

Fishtaco, you pretty much summed it up for me tbh.

 

@Kourix I too was in the same position with you a couple of days ago. i was like "but i dont want to play games!!" I decided to ignore him, not for him to get interested, but because he didnt seem interested, so i just had to back off and protect myself.

 

Today i figured out, he likes games. So , i decided to play.

 

I dont like playing hard to get. I dont like playing "oh im so hot", its not me. If i like someone, i do, i show it.

 

So, maybe, by just ignoring him (and i mean genuily ignoring him, like , "dude, i dont play games"), maybe he sees that you arent a player and changes HIS actions.

[todreaminblue]

How true is the phrase – the way to a man heart is to play hard to get?

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

*This may apply to women as well, but I’m a girl, so that’s why I’m using my experience to question this.

 

 

I dont think game playing on any side serves any purpose> I am unable to play a game with someone i am attracted too because it just isnt me.....i actually thought i played it cool but apparently i dont really....

 

my affectionate emotions show up a bit like a bouncy super ball according to one family member of mine.....or that is what i have been told....and unfortunately super balls don't really fit in the game of tennis because they fly around everywhere and get stuck in trees while tennis balls are the ones who zing in and out of courts tricking players......

 

so if game playing gives you kicks and tickles then i cant judge somebody for that or playing that way, I can say I feel it doesnt serve any good purpose in the long run in my opinion a bit of a waste of time and hiding things or true feelings aint fun in my opinion....deb

[Jamesblame]

I've had a successful dating run, and for me it's pretty simple:

 

1. Be yourself, like yourself, and don't apologize for who you are.

2. Ask girls out if you're interested in them.

3. If it clicks, it clicks. If not, try again.

 

Eventually you meet a certain woman that is very similar to you. And then you pursue them honestly and genuinely.

 

No woman or man is better than you. You may be very interested in pursuing them, but they're not better than you.

 

I guess I've never turned that many heads, but I've never had a problem staying single for longer than I wanted to be, either.

[blueskyday]

I have not ever had a good end to chasing a guy. The guy I'm dating now pursued me. After meeting me, he tracked me down, asked me out and kept asking me out...I responded positively. Once he showed he was leading and coming to me, I kept things reciprocal. He called me, I called him. I asked him to get together, too. Simple.

 

So, after a while, it doesn't matter who is coming towards who. You are coming towards each other equally.

 

It seems as though it is beneficial in the beginning to throw out positive signals that I am RECEPTIVE to a guy's attention. But he has a bit of work to do. He asks for my number. He asks me out....I don't consider it a game. I like a guy who takes charge and is a leader. So it's a filter, so to speak.

 

Most of the guys I approached or did the early work of connecting turned out to be very lazy boyfriends. I did the planning, talking, etc...Not fun.

 

On the other hand, if a guy shows me he can put the effort in, it seems he not only values the relationship (and me) more, but he is the kind of guy who is proactive. I like a guy like that. They make better partners. A partner needs to do their share of the work.

 

One thing that I did like was that my boyfriend told me that needed to know a womanwas in interested in him in order to take a chance on her. He liked that I was approachable and receptive. He knew other guys were after me because he saw men looking at me while we were out. I didn't need to say a word. I simply downplayed that kind of stuff.

 

I also told him early on when he said I was playing hard to get that I don't play hard to get. I just was hard to get!

 

He always knew I was crazy about him, though, even if I was busy or slow to get physical. I made sure he knew it wasn't personal. I always offered another day if I was busy, and I told him that in order to be free and uninhibited with him sexually, I needed to feel certain things. He then made sure to give me those things.

 

That kind of work is good. It goes both ways, however.

Edited August 10, 2012 by blueskyday

[USMCHokie]

I'm naturally a mysterious person so I'm gonna have to vote yes for hard to get?

 

Naturally a mysterious person...? What does that even mean...?

 

But to be clear, a distinction needs to be made between low interest, and playing hard to get in order to ignite anticipation and interest.

 

The term ignite inherently implies the lack of something (i.e., interest, in this case), so these two things are one and the same...low interest and having to "ignite" interest both signify that the girl isn't interested...

 

To illustrate, if you ignite a flame, there is inherently no fire to begin with...similarly, if you have to play hard to get in order to ingite interest, then there was no interest to begin with...

[kourix]

The_Way_I_Am, everything you've assumed about me in your previous post is true. i do put plans on the back burner for someone i'm interested in. and all those things you said about men, i'm starting to learn that it's true too. but it's become a habit, and it's so hard to change!

 

to quote audrey hepburn; “I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”

 

my friends generally think the problem lies in me being attracted to emotionally unavailable men (exacerbated by my daddy issues), and not being attracted by "normal" guys. though i completely disagree... it's more like, i can't tell a guy's emotionally unavailable because he treats me nicely at first, till i give up the "goods", then the guy's like, "i'm outta here!".