I wonder how MM feel and think when the affair end

August 10, 2012

I wonder how MMs feel and think when the affair end? Will they finally realize the marriage has been broken before the affair and the affair helped them to escape from the reality? Will they eventually leave the marriage when they realize this?

August 10, 2012

I wonder how MMs feel and think when the affair end? Will they finally realize the marriage has been broken before the affair and the affair helped them to escape from the reality? Will they eventually leave the marriage when they realize this?

Some feel entitled - and just quickly find a new replacement.

August 10, 2012

Depends on the particular person.

If you read on cognitive and memory biases, you'll understand why plenty MM will be happy with their choice to stay, and think the affair was an episode (read mistake). They might even remember the marriage as being happy or at least fine before the affair started, even though they whined and cried about how almost everything was so broken.

August 10, 2012

At first my friend wouldn't say a word against his wife or marriage. It was sickening, like she was a saint. He described himself as happily married and spoke of her proudly, adoringly.

As I confessed about my unhappy marriage he started to open up. First the usual gripes the. Slowly he started to realize his marriage wasn't what it should be. Many things he just put up with cheerfully were her fault and so sad for his life. But it took a lot of work to get him to dig deep and a admit that!

I'm sure he now sees that insight as a "mistake" and has gone back to thinking he's happily married. It makes me sick. How do you get that insight into what's wrong then lose it again? How can he not see that?

August 10, 2012

At first my friend wouldn't say a word against his wife or marriage. It was sickening, like she was a saint. He described himself as happily married and spoke of her proudly, adoringly.

As I confessed about my unhappy marriage he started to open up. First the usual gripes the. Slowly he started to realize his marriage wasn't what it should be. Many things he just put up with cheerfully were her fault and so sad for his life. But it took a lot of work to get him to dig deep and a admit that!

I'm sure he now sees that insight as a "mistake" and has gone back to thinking he's happily married. It makes me sick. How do you get that insight into what's wrong then lose it again? How can he not see that?

Because he intends to stay married.

A friend of the marriage doesn't "help" find faults in the ones that are married.

August 10, 2012

First, I didn't "help" I just asked him to talk more and he worked it out for himself. I often defended her- said his being on antidepressants when she'd just had a baby was probably a relief! I know I didn't want sex for a year after I had a baby.

Second, why do I have to be friends with a marriage if it's bad for one or both parties? I was his friend and I wanted to know more about him and help him. It had nothing to do with his marriage. And I was the one who told him to get the antidepressants so he would be able to be fully there for his child who was about to be born! I was the one who said he should do marriage counseling. I used to ask about it afterwards and try to help him. He was adamant he was just trying to break up with her the right way, gently, but I kept saying what if you regret not trying? What if you blame me and realize you didn't really try and hurt your relationship with your kids forever?

But I did those things because I was thinking of him not his marriage.

I am sorry for the digression. I wonder how he can now look ba k on me as some kind of seductress now. It's so sexist and untrue. But from his mean emails I think that's how he does see it, or is trying to pretend so he can keep his wife from craziness.

Edited August 10, 2012 by MourningLosses

August 10, 2012

xMM said it was a "lie experience" that he wouldn't have missed.

His comment didn't do much for me at the time and still doesn't.

Happyface.

August 10, 2012

What's a "lie experience"? I've never heard that phrase before

August 10, 2012

At first my friend wouldn't say a word against his wife or marriage. It was sickening, like she was a saint. He described himself as happily married and spoke of her proudly, adoringly.

As I confessed about my unhappy marriage he started to open up. First the usual gripes the. Slowly he started to realize his marriage wasn't what it should be. Many things he just put up with cheerfully were her fault and so sad for his life. But it took a lot of work to get him to dig deep and a admit that!

I'm sure he now sees that insight as a "mistake" and has gone back to thinking he's happily married. It makes me sick. How do you get that insight into what's wrong then lose it again? How can he not see that?

aka, he slowly decided to pick apart his marriage because he allowed himself to get close to you. I bet he never EVER said how he messed up, or how something was his fault..Always his wife's fault, right? Many MM rewrite their marital history to suit them best so they can justify what they're doing. Cheating on their spouse.

August 10, 2012

I wonder how MMs feel and think when the affair end? Will they finally realize the marriage has been broken before the affair and the affair helped them to escape from the reality? Will they eventually leave the marriage when they realize this?

Realize this fact OP:

Having an affair is never proof that a marriage is broken!

Some affairs occur when there is nothing wrong with the marriage at all.

Sure, some xMM might realize that their marriage is unfulfilling.

But some xMM might also realize that they are taking a good marriage for granted.

You really can't assume one or the other is going to happen. Particularly, because you are in a situation where lies have to be told (to either you, or the wife, or likely both).

The other variable you have to understand is that no marriage is perfect. Its never all rainbows and roses. All marriages go through "rough patches". But that doesn't mean they are failed. Yet, the two can be easily confused when people are tired, weak, horny, angry, frustrated, drunk, depressed, etc. Sure, maybe your MM is in a failed marriage. But maybe his marriage was in a "rough patch" and he had a moment of weakness. Which maybe he now regrets...

Sure, for many OW (like yourself I suspect) the assumption that the wayward MM is in a failed marriage eases the guilt of being in an affair. And justifies her participation in an otherwise morally questionable affair.

But the reality is that you can not assume a marriage is broken just because the MM is having an affair.

Edited August 10, 2012 by Fitz

August 10, 2012

Selfish , bored, or unfulfilled people sometimes have affairs even if the marriage is good. When they do, they have to justify themselves or they would feel guilty which would be counter productive. So, a good marriage becomes flawed.

And then it is.

August 10, 2012

At first my friend wouldn't say a word against his wife or marriage. It was sickening, like she was a saint. He described himself as happily married and spoke of her proudly, adoringly.

As I confessed about my unhappy marriage he started to open up. First the usual gripes the. Slowly he started to realize his marriage wasn't what it should be. Many things he just put up with cheerfully were her fault and so sad for his life. But it took a lot of work to get him to dig deep and a admit that!

I'm sure he now sees that insight as a "mistake" and has gone back to thinking he's happily married. It makes me sick. How do you get that insight into what's wrong then lose it again? How can he not see that?

ML I think in your case you did "help" the MM think his marriage was bad. He never pursued, he never spoke badly of his wife to you, he never wanted sex with you. You chased him, you encouraged him to see his wife as less than he thought she was, you offered him sex which he declined.

I remember something different yet similar in my own life. I had moved in with my mother because she needed help and I needed a roommate and I figured we could be beneficial to each other. My mom has a lot of emotional problems. She was addicted to prescription drugs and she was prone to depression, however she is not a bad person and I do love her. So we were living together and her issues were a struggle at times but for the most part we were okay and getting along fine. I was dating a guy somewhat casually and over time he kind of subtley and sometimes not so subtley took a negative view of my mom and me living with her. He would insist that it was unhealthy for an adult woman to be living with her mother and he would repeatedly tell me that my mothers issues were here problem and she should deal with them herself. Whenever I would say I felt bad for my mom or that I didn't want to abandon her he would assert that I had serious FOO issues and living with my mother was just making it worse. He would want to have long talks with me about my childhood and he would pick apart things about my mom to highlight how wrong and unhealthy she was for me. He would also pick apart my relationship with my sons and tell me that I saw them too often and I was too close and too involved in their lives.

I'm ashamed to admit that over time he did begin to influence my relationship with my mother and how I viewed her. I became impatient with her and I started to become somewhat disgusted by her ongoing problems. I started to put a wall up between her and I because I was beginning to believe this guy that she was standing between and my personal growth and happiness. I also started to pull back from my sons even though I had never imposed myself on them in the first place. I only was as involved in their lives as they invited me to be. However I didn't want to be the evil controlling interfering mother that this guy so hated. Overall this guy really negatively impacted me and my family relationships. I don't blame him as I should have known better in the first place. Looking back I can clearly see what was going on. The guy I was dating HATED his own mother and had cut off pretty much all contact with his FOO years ago. He had a very biased and slanted opinion of all FOO's and especially mother figures. He was clearly projecting his own issues onto me.

August 10, 2012

ML I think in your case you did "help" the MM think his marriage was bad. He never pursued, he never spoke badly of his wife to you, he never wanted sex with you. You chased him, you encouraged him to see his wife as less than he thought she was, you offered him sex which he declined.

I remember something different yet similar in my own life. I had moved in with my mother because she needed help and I needed a roommate and I figured we could be beneficial to each other. My mom has a lot of emotional problems. She was addicted to prescription drugs and she was prone to depression, however she is not a bad person and I do love her. So we were living together and her issues were a struggle at times but for the most part we were okay and getting along fine. I was dating a guy somewhat casually and over time he kind of subtley and sometimes not so subtley took a negative view of my mom and me living with her. He would insist that it was unhealthy for an adult woman to be living with her mother and he would repeatedly tell me that my mothers issues were here problem and she should deal with them herself. Whenever I would say I felt bad for my mom or that I didn't want to abandon her he would assert that I had serious FOO issues and living with my mother was just making it worse. He would want to have long talks with me about my childhood and he would pick apart things about my mom to highlight how wrong and unhealthy she was for me. He would also pick apart my relationship with my sons and tell me that I saw them too often and I was too close and too involved in their lives.

I'm ashamed to admit that over time he did begin to influence my relationship with my mother and how I viewed her. I became impatient with her and I started to become somewhat disgusted by her ongoing problems. I started to put a wall up between her and I because I was beginning to believe this guy that she was standing between and my personal growth and happiness. I also started to pull back from my sons even though I had never imposed myself on them in the first place. I only was as involved in their lives as they invited me to be. However I didn't want to be the evil controlling interfering mother that this guy so hated. Overall this guy really negatively impacted me and my family relationships. I don't blame him as I should have known better in the first place. Looking back I can clearly see what was going on. The guy I was dating HATED his own mother and had cut off pretty much all contact with his FOO years ago. He had a very biased and slanted opinion of all FOO's and especially mother figures. He was clearly projecting his own issues onto me.

Seeds of doubt planted. Influencing, convincing. Preying on a weakness. All it takes is one small opening for a predator to enter.

What is MM thinking afterward. Well, my h was a MM and this is what he was thinking. Wtf have I done.

August 10, 2012

Mercy, that is pretty much how I felt also. I felt so sick to my stomach that I almost lost my beautiful wife and my marriage because my hormones made me stupid. I just wanted to make it up to my wife and family. Unfortunately, the OW was a stalker f**888g bitch. She wouldn't leave us alone. Finally, had to put her behind bars before she got the point that I did not want ANYTHING to do with her!

August 10, 2012

Realize this fact OP:
Having an affair is never proof that a marriage is broken!

Some affairs occur when there is nothing wrong with the marriage at all.

Sure, some xMM might realize that their marriage is unfulfilling.
But some xMM might also realize that they are taking a good marriage for granted.

You really can't assume one or the other is going to happen. Particularly, because you are in a situation where lies have to be told (to either you, or the wife, or likely both).

The other variable you have to understand is that no marriage is perfect. Its never all rainbows and roses. All marriages go through "rough patches". But that doesn't mean they are failed. Yet, the two can be easily confused when people are tired, weak, horny, angry, frustrated, drunk, depressed, etc. Sure, maybe your MM is in a failed marriage. But maybe his marriage was in a "rough patch" and he had a moment of weakness. Which maybe he now regrets...

Sure, for many OW (like yourself I suspect) the assumption that the wayward MM is in a failed marriage eases the guilt of being in an affair. And justifies her participation in an otherwise morally questionable affair.

But the reality is that you can not assume a marriage is broken just because the MM is having an affair.

I agree with this 100%.

Here's the truth: You never know what is going on behind closed doors.

I actually had (and will have) glimpses into my xMOM's marriage. My best guess as to what happened on his end: They hit a rough patch, he went prowling, he found me. When the rough patch was over, he still wanted me (for whatever reason... I don't care), but he clearly wasn't willing to sacrifice his W or M for me. Now that the A is over, I think he probably looks at it as a fond memory, actually. He is not the type of man to feel guilt for his actions. Based on what I know, I suspect his M will continue as is typical: some good times, some rough patches. And I suspect he'll think more of me during the rough patches, and less of me during the good times.

Honestly, the thing is, one of the first steps toward healing is to stop worrying about how the xMM thinks/feels/loves. Maybe his marriage is freakin' awesome! Maybe it's a dump of trash and crap. You've got to try to forget about it, because it shouldn't matter to you. You can easily drive yourself nuts thinking things like: Is he happy with his wife? Has he fallen back in love with her again? Are they cuddling on the couch every night? Does he regret loving me? Believe me, it's not worth the stress. HE's not worth the stress.

As for what xMM think in general, I'd say that's totally dependent on the man and the A. As some posters here have pointed out, many who still like their wives and marriages are like: What the f*** have I done??? Yet I've read things from other MM on this forum where they still think about their OW, still can't get their marriages together, still long for their OW.

It depends. It depends. It depends.

But it doesn't need to be your concern. What he thinks, how he feels, and what he's doing isn't important to your own process of moving on.

August 10, 2012

Fitz,

Great post!

August 11, 2012

I wonder how MMs feel and think when the affair end? Will they finally realize the marriage has been broken before the affair and the affair helped them to escape from the reality? Will they eventually leave the marriage when they realize this?

I can't speak for you MM or anyone elses. Each situation is different, but...

My husband felt tremendous relief it was finally over (he was blackmailed, really) He felt disgust with himself and the GH (my initials for her) and remorse. He hated what he did, and who he had become. Yes he knew the marriage had issues, but he realized that part of the problem what his cheating! How can you "work" on a relationship when you are cheating and living a lie? You can't.

Does he ever think of her? Only if I bring her up. Even if we did end our marriage, he would never go back to her, She is only a reminder of the darkest period of his life, who would want to keep thinking about that?

August 11, 2012

Not to give false hope in any way, but when I left the affair, the MM, left his marriage, moved out soon thereafter. Our relationship caused him to realize how unhappy he was in his marriage. However, a brighter man would've realized that well before I came on the scene.

August 11, 2012

I think she meant "life experience."

This is what some delusional cheaters say in order to justify what they did. That way they can easily justify another affair when the the opportunity arises.

Yes , I agree.

He also used to say that he would never leave his wife while he had breath because marriage is a life long commitment...... but never felt any guilt at all.

LOng after the A was over, he indicated that he would be quite willing to start it up again without any qualms.

Guess we know one thing he DIDN'T think about and that was how much he had hurt his wife . A twisted mind set for sure.

Happy face.

August 11, 2012

Not to give false hope in any way, but when I left the affair, the MM, left his marriage, moved out soon thereafter. Our relationship caused him to realize how unhappy he was in his marriage. However, a brighter man would've realized that well before I came on the scene.

I don't hope for that. If he doesn't have me I would rather he remembers me fondly but is happy with his wife. I didn't get into this to make him unhappy.

August 11, 2012

I typed out a reply to this that was so long I timed out and it woulnd't let me post it. I don't feel like retyping it so I'll summarize.

Basically what I wanted to say is that it's easy to use what I'm about to say as a reason to hold out hope... but don't. Because every MM is different.

The BS is always going to want to think that he/she never thinks of the OW/OM again. That would be patently false. She isn't/wasn't immaterial in his life, unless it was a ONS or a brief encounter. He probably thinks of her very often, and most likely very fondly. He probably still dreams of her and daydreams about her.
He didn't make the choice to take that kind of risk "for nothing" and even if it was mostly pleasure or ego stroking or whatever rhetoric you want to think it was, discounting love, those moments, those thoughts stay with them.

I know this from postings by MM, by conversations with good friends, by behavior of others.

But if it wasn't enough for him to leave, and you weren't getting enough to stay anyway, then it doesn't matter what he's thinking.

But yes. They they are often sorry that they gave up their girlfriend for the wife that they knew when they started the affair that they weren't happy with... sometimes they just don't realize until it's too late.

Of course this won't be true for all, but it is true for many, maybe even most.

Excellently worded. i kept (and keep) digging a hole for myself every time i wondered if my MM felt the way i do about this ending. technically it hasn't ended as neither of us has ended it. but by virtue of him disappearing for 5 months and ignoring my three attempts at getting an explanation, it may as well be over. still, he would tell me if it was so that just means he's under the radar bigtime at home. he'll be back in my life the second she stops being so confrontational. i kept thinking, well does he think about me, does he miss me? trying to make myself think i don't matter to him at all or that he can seamlessly go back into his farce of a marriage made me ill. and my soul just wouldn't believe that anyway.

but slowly i am realizing that even if he does think about me (and i know he does), all of the things he loves about me, all the things that draw him to me were still ultimately not enough for him to leave her.

where does that leave me? Exactly. nowhere. so i guess it doesn't really matter what he thinks or feels. what matters is what i'm thinking and feeling, and every day, i step closer to having had enough of "not enough"

Edited August 11, 2012 by rhw

August 11, 2012

Speaking as a fWS, I can honestly say that I do not think of the exOM in a fond way or miss him in any way. I don't daydream or dream about him. I am also definitely not sorry that the affair is over. I am also very happy with my H.

August 13, 2012

I understand this of its just sex but where there's an emotional connection how do you just shut down you feelings? I can't seem to do that.

August 13, 2012

Mercy, that is pretty much how I felt also. I felt so sick to my stomach that I almost lost my beautiful wife and my marriage because my hormones made me stupid. I just wanted to make it up to my wife and family. Unfortunately, the OW was a stalker f**888g bitch. She wouldn't leave us alone. Finally, had to put her behind bars before she got the point that I did not want ANYTHING to do with her!

Behind bars? Wow

August 24, 2012

I wonder how MMs feel and think when the affair end?

My FWH felt disguisted, shame, depressed and frankly like a piece of ****.

Will they finally realize the marriage has been broken before the affair and the affair helped them to escape from the reality?

He realized that while I was busting my butt to keep the bills paid and my health was suffering, he was busying talking with another MW. The only thing broken was he inability to communicate.

Will they eventually leave the marriage when they realize this?

Nope. He would be devistated if I asked for a divorce. You must remember that they over state problems in the marriage to justify the affair. In the end, the realize they were just weak. Like their AP.

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I wonder how MM feel and think when the affair end

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