Rima123 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) I am 35. My husband and I have been separated for 3 weeks now. I have known my husband since I was 20, we married at 23. We are from the middle east. From 23-30 I was with him in the USA pursuing three degrees. When 30 yeas old, I finished my degrees, was pregnant, came back to our middle eastern home. He had 2 years left of PhD so he stayed behind. Before the move back to our country, we had wonderful time in the USA. It was bliss. We were happy. As soon as we moved back, the separation had already affected us. He hated this country, his job, I hated the weekly extended family obligations, and living space was the best we could find, but it was still like living in a concrete box in the middle of the desert (Arabian/Persian Gulf country). He started having more anger tantrums, and he pushed me twice to the wall. We fought over many things. We had very few periods of calm, let alone affection. Even when we traveled we fought: in Australia, in Turkey, in Dubai, it did not matter. There was always something. The first three years we were back, I started pursuing my fourth graduate degree. It was a medium-stress type of degree. We co-parented the child initially, but towards the end he started hating it. He was starting to become a typical middle eastern guy, in my opinion. He still did a lot for us, but started hating it. One classic tale he tells is that I rudely called him when he was with his friends to come help me put a suppository for my baby who was very constipated and kicking and screaming; I couldn't do it alone; not even mom could hold her. My classic tale is that he neglected a dead-fish aquarium for 8 months, without blinking an eye.And I had no idea how to clean it! Should have thrown it out, but it was STINKING! Toxic. We went to marraige counseling, two sessions, and then he asked to stop, seeing no point. I brought up the physical abuse issue in session, be became SO MAD, that afterwards I sent him a message saying that I do not hate him, and want him to be happy. He replied saying he doesn't care how I feel about him, and that I should keep my wishes and my feelings to myself (that's him being dismissive and angry), and he said that that was making things worse...whatever that means. I feel in retrospect that he has had an abusive personality all along, despite him being helpful and sweet in the first years of marriage. When circumstances were tough, his true problems surfaced. For example, I hate going to the malls; that's what most people do here. He thinks that when I don''t go with him and my daughter I am being like a hermit, disconnected. So I asked him to come with me to the local pool and have a swim with our daughter. He categorically refused. Amazing isn't it? I have not been truly harmed by this relationship. It just made me unhappy in the last two years. He has always been helpful, but with such horrid manners and anger tantrums---it's not worth his help anymore. Not worth trying to win our love back. You see what I am saying? I am currently in no other relationship, however, a guy, a poet, seems to really like me, and I am just keeping a low profile, until things are finalized with my husband--so obviously a divorce. However, I happen to have started a crush on another guy a year ago, though he lives abroad and of a different religion. I am volunteerig for their organization with long-distance help, so I see him a couple of times a year and we email a lot--semi professional/ friendship context. He is really nice. My husband rarely ever maybe even never apologized on his own for his bad behavior. I am just comparing my professional friend, once he said something rather not nice, and he followed it immediately with a very sweet apology. He never made me angry over the year I have known him, without making it up to me immediately. I think I am in love with him, but it is true that we have not had the chance for a date to get to know each other really well. I do like him a lot, I know that for sure. I feel that my 15 year relationship has run its course. There is nothing more there. I asked him if we should move together for 10 days as a last chance, and take a break by having my mom take care of my daughter. I am not so enthusiastic about that anymore. And I have had no answer from him either. He can be really nasty when I talk to him, like talking to a judge/editor who is correcting your logic/string of words very crudely as you speak. I think because of my abuse history as a teenager, I put up with far too much than I should, and I do not recognize abuse as fast as I should. Enough is enough. Comments/feedback appreciated thanks. P.S. my guilt in this relationship would be demands/perfectionism/ wanting things to be neat and tidy and having a scheduel etc. while he is quite the opposite. You can call me on that I guess, but I was doing it in good faith. Edited August 10, 2012 by Rima123
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