mortensorchid Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Anyone can tell you that the key to a good if not great relationship is to be a good communicater. That is, to be experienced at problem solving, be willing to bend at times. I would like to think that I am one of those people, but it never paid off. About 13 years ago this was put to the test. I was in an LDR with a deeply religious man who had a lot of hangups about sex. He said he was not going to be sexually active until he married. So, I decided that I respected his wishes and then we would no longer do ANY sexual activity save for holding hands and kissing. After I demonstrated that, he dropped me like a bad habit, telling me that now we were just friends. Then he was going to become a priest. Then about six months later he met and married another woman and they have been married for 10 years. Second time : I was in a LTR with another man. I loved him completely, but he started throwing tantrums. He said I was not inviting him to parties and events, which was not true : I invited him to every party and event that I was going to go to and he said he didn't want to go to any of them. He broke it off the first time because he was bored, then the second time because my lifestyle was too busy/crazy for him. I had to move on. Third time : I was in a LTR/LDR with a man in another state. He told me that this was not going to be a permanent set up if I didn't quit smoking and loose weight. I took it as a challenge. After I had dropped about 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose and had quit smoking for about 6 weeks, he was FURIOUS with me. It took me too long to do it, he said. Barely a year later, he met and married another woman as well, and they are now divorced. Looking back, I realize that none of these guys deserved someone who is willing to compromise. Has anyone ever had something like this happen to them? I admit, it is frustrating looking at this, I didn't feel that I had/have done anything wrong in these situations. And when I bent they either refused to bend as well, or refused to meet their demand or want in turn. It's so frustrating yet I know that this is the norm rather than the exception.
SJC2008 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Anyone can tell you that the key to a good if not great relationship is to be a good communicater. That is, to be experienced at problem solving, be willing to bend at times. I agree with you 100%. Great views on relationships! But don't compromise on everything. If you're firm on something stay firm and don't budge. Did these men compromise anything??
dropdeadredtx Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 This is proof that the only person you should ever change for is yourself.
FitChick Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 That doesn't sound like compromise. It sounds like you did what they wanted.
Author mortensorchid Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 That doesn't sound like compromise. It sounds like you did what they wanted. Whether or not someone sees it as a compromise or doing what the other wanted, don't you expect someone to at least be happy?
Failboy Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 It could be that they simply didn't have equally deep feelings for you and sub-consciously looked for excuses as to why that could be the case. Then when you became a "better" person according to their standards, they found out that they still aren't satisfied and never will be no matter what you do so they bounced. It's a classic. How many times have you heard about women "fixing" a flawed man, then going crazy and dumping him once he has changed? Happens all the time.
It's Just Me Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Well, time to take stock and think about what type of men you are choosing, and why, and how you'll do things differently next time. When I did that exercise about three years ago (I was 44), and with the help of a therapist, I realized that, over the years, I had been attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable. The strong, silent type - I even married one. Having this new awareness, but without any sort of plan for a future relationship, I felt empowered, but scared. I carried on. I got into online dating (OLD). My new awareness allowed me to spot those emotionally unavailable douchebags a mile away, and I stayed clear. A year ago, I met my current BF. He wore his heart on his sleeve on our first date, and it made me uncomfortable. REALLY uncomfortable. But there was a confidence in his confidence in me (and us) that kept me going. So we kept going. He is completely unlike anyone I've ever been with before, and it works beautifully. He communicates well. I feel completely at ease in communicating with honesty, and without fear of reprisal, or of losing him, if I speak my mind. And he loves my independence and ability to have a frank discussion. Point is, he's a peach. Five years ago, I would not have given him a second date - he'd have fallen into the "too needy" pile, and I would have moved on. Yes, this has been the norm for you in the men you have been choosing. You need to look more closely at the exceptions. There are probably more out there than you think.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 From your recent posts, it seems like you are dredging up past liaisons and things that went wrong, and not in a constructive way. This post has the ring of "I did everything they wanted, and they dumped me anyway," with a helping of self pity thrown in. That has no relationship to compromise, or being willing to bend or being a good communicator. I hope you don't do anything like that in your future relationships. That is not how you'll get YOUR needs met. You're right about good communication and a willingness to bend being crucial elements of a good relationship. 2
Els Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I'm really not sure you've got the right idea of what compromise actually is. Compromise isn't someone saying 'lose 45 lbs and quit smoking or I'll dump you' and you saying 'okay'. Compromise involves BOTH people trying to better themselves and seeing the other person's point of view. It might go something like: 'Honey, I love you but I'm worried about the health effects of smoking and excess weight. Would you be willing to try this smoking cessation program that I found, and join me in the gym after work everyday?' 'Sure, but I'll need to sit out on Tuesday for girls' night out. While we're at that, how about you join me for tennis on Thursdays, too? 'Certainly. Thanks for seeing my point of view.' Both parties communicate their desires and hopes in a mature fashion, offer compromises, and respect their partners. Compromise must absolutely go both ways.If only one partner is ever compromising, in anything, it isn't really compromising: It's called being a doormat.
Emilia Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Third time : I was in a LTR/LDR with a man in another state. He told me that this was not going to be a permanent set up if I didn't quit smoking and loose weight. I took it as a challenge. After I had dropped about 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose and had quit smoking for about 6 weeks, he was FURIOUS with me. It took me too long to do it, he said. Barely a year later, he met and married another woman as well, and they are now divorced. Looking back, I realize that none of these guys deserved someone who is willing to compromise. Has anyone ever had something like this happen to them? I admit, it is frustrating looking at this, I didn't feel that I had/have done anything wrong in these situations. And when I bent they either refused to bend as well, or refused to meet their demand or want in turn. It's so frustrating yet I know that this is the norm rather than the exception. I'll go a bit further than some posters here and say that if you are required to change by anyone at the beginning of your relationship, you should dump them and move on. The person you start seeing should accept you as you are because they know you are of a certain weight and that you smoke. Why start dating someone only to try to control who and what they are? If the relationship from the start is based on what you would like differently about the other person, it starts bad precedent in my opinion. IF you are already in a relationship and you notice they start picking up bad habits of over eating, start smoking, increase drinking, etc you have legitimate concerns that they broke their end of the bargain and turned out to be different from what you committed to. The two of you should definitely compromise on a solution and the potential conflict from this is justified. However moulding a person to your ideal because you can't get your ideal somewhere else is offensive to me. I dumped my last ex exactly for this reason when he tried to do something similar to me. You know how I am when we start dating, you know what I look like, what my habits are, if it doesn't work for you move on. Simple.
daphne Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I agree with some of the other posters. I'd go as far as to say that I don't consider how you behaved being the necessary compromise that occurs in healthy relationships so much as you compromised your needs for the relationship. This is unattractive to teh opposite sex. No one wants someone who will bend over backwards for them. And especially men. Women make the mistake of thinking that the more they do for a guy the more he'll love you. Not so. I've found it to be quite the opposite. I don't know why it is, and it sounds completely counterintuitive, but I think men were built to find a woman that they could make happy. At least the good ones. Ben Franklin said it a long time ago. If you want someone to like you better, ask a favor. They like you more than if you did them a favor.
gaius Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Whether or not someone sees it as a compromise or doing what the other wanted, don't you expect someone to at least be happy? You're mistaking guys who just wanted to end the relationship for guys who actually wanted compromise. They weren't happy because you didn't really do what they wanted.
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