I don't want to let go.

[shoesies05]

Me and my other half haven't broken up... but it is definetly on the table.

 

I love him so much- and I acknowledge that our relationship has many issues and recently times have been especially hard- but I don't want to let go of what we have been to eachother.

 

Our History:

We've been together over 3 years and haveBroken up a few times and always got back together.

 

We live together now and that has put more pressure on the relationship.

 

We recently went on a really long trip ( about 2 months) together and were together every single day and almost every minute of the day. There was a lot of tension but there was also a lot of fun.

 

We have great times together and he is so frigen special to me! He has hurt me a lot in the past and I have hurt him as well ( not infedelity btw).

 

We have an agreement that he would only jack off one day a week because he has issues keeping it up and when he jacks off we cant have sex. Recently we have been together so much he hasn't had access to the computer without me home- so he has not jacked off to porn.

 

I came home from something and he was about to jack off to porn even though he'd already jacked off earlier that week. Thing that bothers me about this is why he didn't just discuss our agreement instead of sneaking around and making me feel like he got caught in a lie.

 

I feel like I am unsure whether or not I can trust him because there have been previous times where I have caught him being sneaky...though he really seems like one of the most trustworthy guys overall ( to me and everyone that knows both of us).

 

So this caused us to get into a discussion and I was considering leaving him. I asked him if he still saw us working long term and he said no, but he wants us to but just doesn't know if it will work. I also asked him if he is still in love with me and he said that it is "fuzzy" meaning he isn't really sure and is kind of in between.

 

He tells me he wants us to get back to where we used to be and be happy. But honestly, I feel like so much of our relationship has been difficult- never 100% perfect except in the beginning. A lot of our issues stem from my insecurities and his dick issues.

 

Anyways- I am sitting here at home all day (school is out, im in college and almost 25) and it is hard to stop thinking about how I feel almost like I am in a relationship in which I love him more than he loves me.

 

I don't want to let go of us- I love that we have built our lives together. I love waking up to him and falling asleep to him. I love having dinner together, watching movies on our couch, going out with him, the way he makes me laugh. etc... but I can't get rid of the feeling that I should leave him so that I can get someone who loves me more.

 

But I just can't do it... I only want him. I can't imagine being without him-

 

I dont know what to do because I am hurting so bad over how bad our relationship has been recently and how I feel like I have lost him ( though he says I haven't) but I don't want to give up.

 

How do I stop all this pain?!! It's killing me

[TaraMaiden]

The only way to release pain is to understand that you can't have everything you want - and sometimes what you want, is neither good for you, nor right.

[Mike_d]

lol those are some pretty interesting "dick issues". all kinds of other questions around the whole intimacy issue but just cant go there, feels too creepy

 

but, from earlier today:

 

If a girl told me "im 95% into you" I'd be 100% out the door a minute later.

 

fwiw