M30USA Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Everyone agrees that marriage is hard. However, I've noticed that men and women say it's hard for different reasons. For the most part, women typically say things like: - He doesn't give me attention - He doesn't help around the house - He just doesn't care about me anymore And for the most part, men typically say things like: - She is so demanding/nagging/needy - She is always right and I am always wrong - Nothing is ever enough for her Do you notice a pattern here? It seems that women primarily say marriage is hard when they aren't receiving; and men say it's hard when they are giving more than they can handle. So the general direction of the marriage is towards the woman. Even look at the sexual act. Men give, women receive. Physically and emotionally this seems to represent the marriage dynamic. And the marriage breaks down when women don't receive and men don't give.
anne1707 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Oh wow. At first I thought this was not going to be a gender biased thread. And then I read the OP. 5
Author M30USA Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Oh wow. At first I thought this was not going to be a gender biased thread. And then I read the OP. Sorry. Maybe I just had a bad experience, that's all. We speak from what we know I guess.
Pyro Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Sounds to me like the cure is for the husband and wife to both give and receive towards each other. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. 8
Author M30USA Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Sounds to me like the cure is for the husband and wife to both give and receive towards each other. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. That would be nice. 1
MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Alternatively it's hard because women have standards, even low ones like politeness, engagement, caring, honesty, fidelity and men can't even meet those. And men actually just want a transaction- monetary support for sex on demand. No emotional giving at all. Marriages fail when either party gets jack of the deal.
Balzac Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Marriage is a business/financial contract. The rest is negotiable and not always to gender traditional traits. Add kids~~up the difficulty.
SoMovinOn Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Everyone agrees that marriage is hard. I don't. ..... 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 What I find challenging in marriage: Balance. Keeping a healthy balance between autonomy and interdependence; between having and giving personal space and becoming distant, between speaking when things need to be talked about and keeping quiet to let some things play their course, between selfishness and selflessness. 6
KungFuJoe Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Marriage is the easiest thing I've ever done. 1
threebyfate Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Marriage is easy when you marry someone who you mesh with, in all the ways that are priorities to both of you! 1
quankanne Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 marriage will always come with its own challenges, some of them harder than others. But what makes it work is when the couple is able to communicate well with each other. Doesn't mean that they agree on everything, but agree to talk with/listen to each other, which is a HUGE thing in any relationship, marriage or otherwise! And looking at OP's opening post, yeah, I'd say that's what the basis of problems are. 1
Author M30USA Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 marriage will always come with its own challenges, some of them harder than others. But what makes it work is when the couple is able to communicate well with each other. Doesn't mean that they agree on everything, but agree to talk with/listen to each other, which is a HUGE thing in any relationship, marriage or otherwise! And looking at OP's opening post, yeah, I'd say that's what the basis of problems are. How about when one of the two people has issues w/ listening and communicating? Won't it make the other person also suffer the consequences and appear to be a bad communicator as well? It's like a team...where even if one person has problems the whole team suffers.
Author M30USA Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Here's an insight that I had that has served me well when it comes to "communication issues." If you look at the couple as a unit, there is never only "one person" with the communication problem. It is a shared problem. The inability to perceive that it is ALWAYS both people that have the problem is part of the problem itself. Let me give you a little analogy--suppose you are married to a person who is deaf. (I mean she can't hear--she is literally deaf.) You know she's deaf (she's your partner). Yet you try to communicate by talking (assume she can't read lips). You talk and talk and talk, and are very eloquent and articulate. Yet she doesn't seem to ever listen to you. She doesn't ever respond to what you say. Isn't it "obvious" that she, being the deaf person, is the "one" with the problem? No, it's not obvious at all. In fact that's the wrong way of looking at a communications issue entirely. You have to look at the couple as a holistic unit. The way I choose to communicate has to mesh with the way my partner is able to perceive communications from people. At some point, rather than attributing the communications difficulties to one's partner, we have to start looking at WHY the way we choose to communicate with them might not be effective. And maybe we need to try something different. I agree with your view in general. It holds true if both people are fairly normal functioning people without any significant personality disorders, especially borderline personality or abusive tendencies. If a person has either of these, it's no longer about "both" people needing to work out their issues. The one with the problem has to resolve their own before there can even be a relationship. I've noticed few people agree with this. Yet as soon as a person (typically a male) does something like become an alcoholic, etc, suddenly everyone ditches the idea that it's both of their problem and the man is told to move out and fix his problems before he can have a marriage.
Author M30USA Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 But dealing with people who have personality disorders often requires the other person to set strong boundaries. Setting of strong boundaries might be the only way to effectively "communicate." "shape up or you are out of the house" is pretty strong communication and can be effective if it is followed through Fair enough. Still sucks for the other person, though.
eeyore1981 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Everyone agrees that marriage is hard. However, I've noticed that men and women say it's hard for different reasons. For the most part, women typically say things like: - He doesn't give me attention unless he wants sex. - He doesn't help around the house even though I work just as many hours as he does and even though I work just as hard as he does and even though this is HIS house, too. - He just doesn't care about me anymore. He finds so many things more important than me, his job, his friends, sports, nascar.... And for the most part, men typically say things like: - She is so demanding/nagging/needy. There's no reason for her to get upset/irritated just because she has to ask me to pull my weight and even then I just ignore her until I feel like it. She's not the boss of me. - She is always right and I am always wrong and her being right is a personal insult to me, I wish she would just stop... (??? seriously, how does a man make this a problem that is a woman's fault???) - Nothing is ever enough for her. I bought her this house and that nice car and that wonderful furniture with our joint funds, and she is just so unappreciative. -She won't have sex with me whenever I want it. I did her a favor by marrying her, so she owes me sex on demand for life and she's not meeting her obligations. Do you notice a pattern here? It seems that women primarily say marriage is hard when they aren't receiving; and men say it's hard when they are giving more than they can handle. So the general direction of the marriage is towards the woman. Even look at the sexual act. Men give, women receive. Physically and emotionally this seems to represent the marriage dynamic. And the marriage breaks down when women don't receive and men don't give. There, I fixed it for you. 1
Els Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Even assuming your OP is correct (and I have doubts about that...) it's amusing that that was the conclusion you drew from it. Based on your 'facts', the conclusion one could draw from it could also be: 1) women have less trouble giving and so that is usually not the cause of contention, 2) women do not give less and less attention and care as the relationship progresses and men do... and so on and so forth. Personally, I think every R comes with its own unique dynamics, challenges, and problems. The key is in finding the right person for you, a person who is willing to work together with you to overcome all that. I don't believe that there is any stock answer to all marriages, or any general reason for all marriages that fail. 1
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