confusionsay Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Some background, my stbx and I have been married for six years, no children. The stbx has been steadily spending more and more time outside the home over the last three-four years, consequently our relationship has been steadily degrading. It is now rare for us to spend two or three evenings a week together (I don't count time spent sleeping). I find this totally unnacceptable. If that was what I thought marriage was going to be like, I'd have stayed single. So, things between my stbx and I pretty much came to a head the other night before they were to go visit family. I laid down an ultimatum, either you change your behavior, or we need to start making arrangements. Pretty clear, or so I thought. The stbx says they can't/won't change, and me not being okay with the way they act is really my problem, not theirs. Pissed off, they spent the night on the sofa, took their trip and came back home. Now, they act like the whole conversation never took place. Now I've got to wonder, are they in denial, did they not think I was serious, or are they planning to leave and clean the house out while I'm not home? The whole thing's got me worried sick. What do I do now? Wait? Confront them? I need some advice...
Balzac Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I'm a bit confused by your use if the pronoun "them". Are you meaning your soon to be rxwife and her paramour?
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 No. The OP doesn't want to give away whether they're male or female. either of 'them'. I'd say the OP is a guy. women can't be asked to play these kinds of mind games....
Author confusionsay Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Yes TM, you are correct. I was hoping to leave which partner is which out of the equation. I've been lurking here for a while, and it seems to me that forum members respond differently to men and women, even if the situations are very similar. So, in hopes of getting the most honest answer, I tried to keep things neutral.
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I further guessed that you were male because your post was very calculating and analytical. That's not to say you were wrong, but women tend to explain things in a more emotional way, because women define love, and emotions in different ways to the way men do... Consider this, my friend - and please know that I would say this regardless of your gender: You may be of the opinion that your spouse is to 'blame' for the deterioration of your relationship - but what has your role been in this? Because let me expand - while one person may be at fault - both are 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship. Would you say you might have been neglectful? Demanding? unromantic? Controlling? Uncaring? Something must have driven her to this - instead of laying down ultimatums, have you stopped to ask what the matter has been, and why she might be 'checking out' of the relationship? you have to 'own it' to work on it. What has happened?
Author confusionsay Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) Again TM, what you say is true. I am certainly not innocent, when emotions run high, things can get ugly. At times, I can be demanding, but I am not unreasonable. What I expect is equal effort. And yes, lately I have been a bit uncaring and distant. I feel drained and frankly, I just don't have the energy to continue. Edited August 9, 2012 by confusionsay
Balzac Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) Gender blind is ok with me! Same problems exist in same sex marriages. Gender bias here is an accurate assessment. Burned out means this situation met with an impasse some time ago. Sounds to me as if you tried in the past, got nowhere and now you are faced with moving on to find peace and happiness. I am not a supporter of putting a dead relationship into life support through counseling. I'm sure many here disagree. Absent children and with what you describe, is your fear the demise of the relationship or being alone? Edited August 9, 2012 by Balzac
tojaz Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Some background, my stbx and I have been married for six years, no children. The stbx has been steadily spending more and more time outside the home over the last three-four years, consequently our relationship has been steadily degrading. It is now rare for us to spend two or three evenings a week together (I don't count time spent sleeping). I find this totally unnacceptable. If that was what I thought marriage was going to be like, I'd have stayed single. So, things between my stbx and I pretty much came to a head the other night before they were to go visit family. I laid down an ultimatum, either you change your behavior, or we need to start making arrangements. Pretty clear, or so I thought. The stbx says they can't/won't change, and me not being okay with the way they act is really my problem, not theirs. Pissed off, they spent the night on the sofa, took their trip and came back home. Now, they act like the whole conversation never took place. Now I've got to wonder, are they in denial, did they not think I was serious, or are they planning to leave and clean the house out while I'm not home? The whole thing's got me worried sick. What do I do now? Wait? Confront them? I need some advice... Ok, so I think some more information is needed here. What kind of activities is your spouse enjoying outside of the home that keeps them away? How did you lay down your ultimatum? Was it from a threatening position or from a problem solving position? What about this behavior is unacceptable? Is it just the time spent away, or is it the activities they are doing, or the fact that you have been excluded from them? Before laying out an ultimatum, what else have you tried? TOJAZ
DuckSoup Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 (edited) A woman who is spending most of her evenings away from her husband, taking solo trips, and treating her husband like dirt, is obviously using that time away to socialize with other men. You don't need any more evidence to know this. It would just be the specifics. She's obviously cheating on you and it sounds like it's been going on for the past several years. There are various ways of gathering evidence if you think you need to do that posted in many threads elsewhere in these forums. You have to set boundaries and stick to them. The stbx says they can't/won't change, and me not being okay with the way they act is really my problem, not theirs. I guess that means the next time she stays out overnight and comes home to find the locks changed, that will be "her" problem. Edited August 10, 2012 by DuckSoup
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