flamingjune Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 --------------------- Long post, please be patient ... Well, update on this May-December thing: after a lot of thinking I finally screwed up the courage to ask "A." about "us" last night. And I think I just got my heart broken. Just for some background (for more info, please search username "flamingjune" for previous post), we went away on a 3 week vacation together in May, the beginning of my summer break. It was mostly fun and romantic, but it was sometimes difficult -- he can be very moody and distant and there were times I felt like he was having a hard time being with someone 24-7. He's a bit of a loner and really likes his space. By the time we got back I felt like I needed space too, so I stayed with a female friend at he family's summer house to get my bearings back and didn't see him for about 4 weeks. During this time I made sure to stay in touch with him and let him know where I was. When I got back he told me he had missed me and wasn't even sure that he was going to see me again. Lately he's been more distant and hasn't been calling or im'ing or emailing as much. When he does reply his messages tend be rather brusque. He's been busy with work a lot, I know, but I was also starting to wonder if he was losing interest or maybe seeing someone else, or was simply annoyed that I was laying low before. Yesterday I called to ask if he wanted to meet up and he said, "Sure," and seemed happy to hear from me. But when I got there he seemed distant and didn't hug me hello like he normally does. One of his guy friends, also in his 40s came over for a bit to visit. And I just felt weird, like A. wasn't really including me in the conversation. It seemed his friend was doing more to involve me in the conversation than A. was. After his friend left we watched a movie on the couch and ordered in food. He seemed a lot more relaxed after he and his friend had some 420. He didn't offer me any and I thought this was slightly strange, but he's not great with niceties. After dinner we started talking more and he seemed more friendly and interested. He became really sweet and affectionate and we ended up in bed and it was great. After sex he's always very sweet and emotionally intimate; this is the only time he ever seems to open up. So I mustered the courage to ask him about "us." At some point in the conversation I said something along the lines of "we've been together 7 months, and we get along really well, would it be ok if I called him my boyfriend"? He talked about something else for a bit and then there was a long silence. Then he said, "I don't think I'm ready to be anyone's boyfriend. It seems like a title for other people and that was how I ended making the mistake of marrying my ex-wife." He wasn't in love with her but he said all the pressure from other people, like his and her family, and friends, led to the marriage, among other things. Well, I said I didn't want the title to parade him around and I wasn't ready to get married, but it would be nice to be able to say he wasn't just a "guy I'm sleeping with." I guess what I was really driving at was, could we have a more emotional relationship? He said he didn't want to lie to me and that he wasn't ready for an emotional commitment, that he liked our "arrangement," and wanted to keep it private. For the record, I'm in my 20s and he's in his 40s. I'm a student and he's self-employed. I asked him if he was embarrassed by me, or if was worried about disapproval. He said he didn't care what other people thought and that he didn't have a problem introducing me to his friends. At least, he said, to friends whom he didn't think were nosy. Also, I was a little disappointed about the 4th of July weekend; I tried to get in touch with him to see if we were getting together but he kind of disappeared. A little later he resurfaced and said his family was in town. He said he was sorry he wanted to do something with me but he couldn't. I was hurt by that; I understand if someone isn't ready to introduce you to their family but he could've at least returned my messages or said something. I felt like he was hiding me from a lot of his life. Another thing, he'd been away on a couple of trips for work that both spanned Thursday through Sunday. But when he was away he wouldn't call or email or text message unless I did. I felt like I had to initiate contact. I was starting to worry that maybe he was seeing someone else. He said he was just working and spending time with friends there. Anyway, I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no, and he agreed that we are in an exclusive relationship. He just doesn't seem willing or able to give more of himself emotionally. It's been 7 months, so I guess if he hasn't changed his mind by now he won't. I kind of expected that this would be his answer, but still I felt sad, and I tried my best to buck up and not cry about it. I guess I had to hear it from him. All the time we were talking he was holding me in bed and when he realized I was quietly crying he seemed really sorry and said he didn't want to hurt me but he also didn't want to lie. He just held me and tried to comfort me. We didn't speak about it anymore after that. The next morning I mentioned nothing and woke him gently, and gave him a cheery kiss goodbye and headed out. I guess I'm resigned to the fact that he's emotionally frigid. He does go to therapy for his issues but I don't know how long it'll take for him to heal. He's said himself he has a hard time getting close to women, and this was an issue with his exes. In the meantime I'm sad about it, but also trying to figure out, what next? Did I jump the gun by bringing it up at this point? I don't feel like it is, but is 7 months too soon to talk about this? He wrote today, but it was rather terse: "Hi, I wanted to write to see if you are OK. " Not exactly something a loving boyfriend would say, is it? It's friendly and concerned, but distant. Which might sum up how he can be sometimes. Although there are other times when I think we have a little breakthrough, and I feel like he and I really connect on another level. Or is it my imagination? Would it be delusional to think this relationship could progress further into real "love?" A few times before I really felt I was falling for him but I always held back because I felt he wasn't ready. And based on our conversation, I was right. I don't know, my mind says I should either walk away now, or just enjoy it for what it seems to be, a kind of distant affair. But my emotions toy with me and I'm tempted to be patient. The latter seems foolish, but how do you stop from feeling? Any souls wiser than I are most welcome to comment.
GROBBY Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Your words... he can be very moody and distant He's a bit of a loner and really likes his space. he's not great with niceties. when he was away he wouldn't call or email or text message unless I did. I felt like I had to initiate contact. I guess I'm resigned to the fact that he's emotionally frigid. Need I say more??
tanbark813 Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 If you feel like he's keeping you hidden from other parts of his life, then maybe he's doing just that. That, plus the fact that he's twice your age, and that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend are bad signs (obviously). Most of the time when people say they don't want a bf/gf, it just means they don't want YOU as their bf/gf.
pretty_petal Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 i say move on and find someone capable of loving u the way you can love them... hes out there waiting for u.... this guy isn't worth the emotional energy u put into the 'relationship'.
Author flamingjune Posted July 16, 2004 Author Posted July 16, 2004 Thanks for all your comments. I pretty much agree with all your postings. It's all quite obvious, isn't it? It's all in my post. The cold/distant times aren't balanced out by the happy times. So, I'm moving on. It won't be easy, but it's got to be done. I just needed to write this all out -- it really helped to clarify a lot of what was bothering me, and what was going on. Maybe I was being naive, maybe I just wanted too much from someone who wasn't ready to give, or maybe I wasn't the right person for him. Whatever the reason might be, I'm glad I've cleared my head some, and I'm glad for your confirmation. Best of luck in your love lives. I hope you fare better than I have in this instance. Hope springs eternal, right?
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