Separated

[Stillinshock]

Hi everyone. Like most, I never thought I would be in this situation. My wife and I are separated. Have been for most of the year. She wanted to leave, saying that she needed to spend time "finding herself." Truth is she had an EA (just learning the lingo). That ended, but I believe she fell in love with another guy after that. I think that person doesnt want to be with her. Funny how that works. We have been together almost two decades. I love her very much and believe her when she says she loves me too. We went to MC for a while. Still pursuing individual counseling. She says she doesn't want to divorce and I don't either. I am very confused and hurt by all this. Past the stage of not being able to eat or sleep, but things are still very tough. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being played, that she is just biding her time until she saves up enough money to split. I have decided to take things day by day and reserve filing for divorce until I am totally done. We are currently not communicating much, emails and short phone calls. I'm trying to give her space and take care of myself as best I can. I know I gave limited information here. I'm sure I could go on for hours. Just wanted to get things off my chest and hear the advice and experiences of others.*

 

Thanks

[jgregory4614]

I'm sort of in the same situation you're in. I've been seperated for almost 2 months now and neither me nor my wife have mentioned anything about having a divorce.

She could be using you as a back up plan when her relationships with other men dont work out. Is she more friendly in between break ups? If so that could be the case. She could be chasing that euphoric feeling when people fall in love with one another and she probably doesn't realize it. When that euphoric feeling dissapears they tend to find someone and so on.

Man...I hate you're going through this crap. It feels like a waste of time dealing with it. There's really no quick fix to this kind of problem except for time.

Just stay strong...stand your ground...and use the NC rule. Show her you mean business. Don't let her step on your toes anymore.

Good luck!

[2sunny]

Hmmm - stop giving her money and start making demands that she learn to support herself.

 

She may not be ending it only because she wants you paying her way.

 

You should force her off that fence she's tilting on! She either wants you or she doesn't! If she doesn't - give yourself the freedom to move forward. In the meantime - don't give her a dime unless the court orders you to.

 

While she's comfortable - nothing will change. You need to stop making her comfy.

[Stillinshock]

I am not giving her any money. She is paying for her own place and own expenses. She also did not sign a long term lease, just staying eith a friend month to month. This process has devastated our finances and put us back in debt. There is really nothing left to divide. I believe she is torn and wants both situations, which she can't have. Will continue the NC as best I can. We have been talking about seeing another counselor and may e dating again soon. Like I said, I'm just playing it day to day and taking care of myself right now. My mental state has improved but i still have bad days.

 

Thanks

[2sunny]

I am not giving her any money. She is paying for her own place and own expenses. She also did not sign a long term lease, just staying eith a friend month to month. This process has devastated our finances and put us back in debt. There is really nothing left to divide. I believe she is torn and wants both situations, which she can't have. Will continue the NC as best I can. We have been talking about seeing another counselor and may e dating again soon. Like I said, I'm just playing it day to day and taking care of myself right now. My mental state has improved but i still have bad days.

 

Thanks

 

Make a decision. Either you're both all in or it's over.

 

Best way!

[andyg99]

I love her very much and believe her when she says she loves me too.

 

why do you believe her? what has she done recently to show you she loves you?

[Stillinshock]

Make a decision. Either you're both all in or it's over.

 

Best way!

 

In general, I try not to live my life by absolutes. Life and the decisions we make during them deserve more than a black and white response. Not jumping to divorce or issuing ultimatums is a decision. The decision doesn't have to be together today or divorce. True that if we decide to stay together we must both be invested for it to work. And true, I am not prepared to go on forever in a state of limbo. I am committed to taking care of myself, which doesn't require a drastic decision today. I can protect myself and care for myself even in the midst of an unclear ending. Saying "**** you, I want a divorce" does nothing to speed up my recovery. Either way it ends, resolution or dissolution, the process is still painful sometimes.

 

Thanks

[jwi71]

In general, I try not to live my life by absolutes. Life and the decisions we make during them deserve more than a black and white response. Not jumping to divorce or issuing ultimatums is a decision. The decision doesn't have to be together today or divorce. True that if we decide to stay together we must both be invested for it to work. And true, I am not prepared to go on forever in a state of limbo. I am committed to taking care of myself, which doesn't require a drastic decision today. I can protect myself and care for myself even in the midst of an unclear ending. Saying "**** you, I want a divorce" does nothing to speed up my recovery. Either way it ends, resolution or dissolution, the process is still painful sometimes.

 

Thanks

 

Sometimes, as you are discovering, absolutes ARE necessary.

 

This is one of those cases.

 

She either picks you or picks "not you".

 

Anything else simply makes you the default option - in case the current guy she is in love with number 3 or 4 or 5 or whatever the number is she is up to doesn't work out.

 

Personally, I want a woman to consider all available options and discover, I'm the ONE and ONLY option. Not the last one.

 

And... demanding she choose NOW DOES speed up your recovery. How is sitting her down and demanding that she choose "bad"? How do you NOT have that right? How does having her answer not help you - by setting you free NOW?

[DuckSoup]

I am not giving her any money. She is paying for her own place and own expenses. She also did not sign a long term lease, just staying eith a friend month to month. This process has devastated our finances and put us back in debt. There is really nothing left to divide. I believe she is torn and wants both situations, which she can't have. Will continue the NC as best I can. We have been talking about seeing another counselor and may e dating again soon. Like I said, I'm just playing it day to day and taking care of myself right now. My mental state has improved but i still have bad days.

 

Thanks

 

 

This is not specifically directed at you, but the notion that two people who are already married should begin "dating" after a separation--translation, the betrayed male is put in the position of having to "woo" his alienated spouse all over again--is absolutely ridiculous and counterproductive.

 

When it comes to marriage, she's either all in or she's out. No "dating," no wooing. There's the door honey, don't let it hit you on the way out.

[DuckSoup]

In general, I try not to live my life by absolutes.

 

I absolutely know that I do NOT want my spouse "dating," "seeing," "screwing," or anything else like that with other people.

 

So there's an "absolute" for you. Do you agree? Disagree?

 

If you don't agree that it's absolutely wrong for her to see other people, if she wants to stay married to you, what is her motivation to stop?

 

 

 

Life and the decisions we make during them deserve more than a black and white response.

 

I'm not going to blame you that your spouse abandoned your marriage and is cheating on you, but with this kind of attitude, why not just concede you have an open marriage?

 

There are LOTS of things in life that are black and white. It's just that they are so obvious that we don't spend a lot of time thinking about them. It's black and white that I don't mix oil with gasoline in a four stroke engine. It's black and white that if my cat annoys me I don't put it in the microwave oven on the "high" setting. It's black and white that I don't take a gun into a bank and rob it.

 

And it's black and white that in a supposedly monogamous marriage, the spouses don't get to f*ck or date or emotionally involve themselves with other people. In fact it's beyond black and white, it's definitional. Once you allow yourself or your spouse to consort with third parties, or consider it a "gray area," you no longer are in a monogamous relationship.

 

That's where you are right now. You're not living monogamously. Your wife is essentially a polygamist. Is that what you want out of your marriage? It's hard to think of many things that are MORE black and white than making up your mind about this.

 

 

Not jumping to divorce or issuing ultimatums is a decision. The decision doesn't have to be together today or divorce.

 

You are completely missing the point. The "decision" that you have to make is whether you will tolerate living in a marriage with an unfaithful spouse. There is only "yes" or "no," because "maybe", or "I don't know," is the same thing as "yes." It has nothing to do with being together today. It has nothing to do with a divorce. It has to do with the reason you are not together today and the reason divorce might occur. The reason is your spouse likes to f*ck other people and doesn't want to stop.

 

 

True that if we decide to stay together we must both be invested for it to work.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you is invested which is fine. You will live in a polygamous, separated marriage indefinitely, or until one or the other of you files for divorce. That decision has been made, and it is black and white.

 

 

 

And true, I am not prepared to go on forever in a state of limbo.

 

This says nothing since we're all mortal and none of us can go on forever under any circumstances. You are simply making excuses for inaction and your fear of making a real decision. Not deciding is a decision. You have decided to let your wife continue to cheat on you. Therefore she's not really cheating since you accept it. You created your own limbo.

 

 

I am committed to taking care of myself, which doesn't require a drastic decision today. I can protect myself and care for myself even in the midst of an unclear ending. Saying "**** you, I want a divorce" does nothing to speed up my recovery. Either way it ends, resolution or dissolution, the process is still painful sometimes.

 

Thanks

 

It's possible that even if you continue to accept her behavior while doing nothing, she may suddenly change her mind, mend her ways, and come back to you. But the odds are very strongly against that happening.

 

Unfortunately conflicted passivity in the face of evil--and what your spouse is doing to you and your marriage is evil--is never a very effective strategy, regardless of the context.

[Stillinshock]

Thanks everyone, especially jgregory4614.

All replies are welcomed, even the ridiculous!

[stupidgirl22]

You need to send your wife a very clear (in)direct message that you will not tolerate a 'close' emotional or physical relationship with another man. It is simply not right and by tolerating her behavior you're also advocating it! She either ends the relationship or she doesn't and if she doesn't you need to 'DO' something that will leave her with no doubt that you refuse to behave like a doormat, that you refuse to come second to ANY man and that you will no longer endure her behavior. Then DO something to show her you have moved on without her and let HER DO something about the mess she's created, about the hurt she has burdened you with and for putting your marriage at risk. Take no prisoners; accept nothing but the BEST for yourself and kick her to the curb if she doesn't measure up then pick up one foot at a time and move towards a woman who feels treasured to be your partner. Good Luck :-) x

[standtall]

SIS, what you are describing is not a separation..what you are describing is she has left you for another man. Now man up, and expose it all and give her an ultimatum...him or me, and mean it.