CarrieT Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I am being slow with therapy because I am busy with life. Of course I will not forget bout it though.. Like Mme Chaucer says: Leigh, that is really not honest. I believe not finding therapy is an excuse and that is what Mme Chaucer is calling you on. You are busy with life but look at how much time and energy you spend on these boards! How long have we been begging you to get therapy? How long have you acknowledged that you know you need it? What is stopping you - RIGHT NOW - from shutting down your computer and making a few phone calls? 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Like Mme Chaucer says: I believe not finding therapy is an excuse and that is what Mme Chaucer is calling you on. You are busy with life but look at how much time and energy you spend on these boards! How long have we been begging you to get therapy? How long have you acknowledged that you know you need it? What is stopping you - RIGHT NOW - from shutting down your computer and making a few phone calls? It is 4 am in Aus. And it is my mothers B day tomorrow, I will sleep until just before I have to go, and then I am seeing a long lost friend lol, who I cannot cancel plans with because she HATED that about me when we last hung out a year ago.. and I NEED to build my social life up. BUT - Monday is the first day I can make phone calls regarding therapy. So I will. That is all there is to it now. I need to pick up the phone on Monday, and make therapy happen ASAP. I know I love him enough to change for him. I know I can do it. 1
Kamille Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Yes, I know it is important to think I am pretty awesome and have my own life going as well as it can. Working on your issues is about a lot more than "feeling pretty awesome and having your own life." It's about learning the strategies that will help you cope with your emotions. Learning the strategies that will help you build good relationships. It's okay that you're not feeling pretty awesome right now. Nobody feels pretty awesome all the time. We all face hardships and we all get jealous and upset. Some people just have more faith in their capacity to deal with upsetting events. They have more faith because they've developed good coping strategies. This thread clearly indicates you would benefit from learning how to deal with events that upset you. Therapy is there for exactly that. Quit putting it off. For your benefit and that of your relationship. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Yes, I will stop indulging in my worried and just do what I need to do. I will update this thread when I orgaise therapy and when I hear from Andrew. Last time when he was out of reception on a cruise ****, I was a mess too. Much like this. He came home and was like " leigh, everthing is the same. I missed you and love you the same as before I left.. why would anything have changed?" So I gather that I really need to just DO this now, with therapy, and only focus on updating things when I have made real changes. Thanks for caring. Some of the people on this thread have helped me so much. I now know I need help indefinately, where as I would not have known otherwise - I would have assumed I could do it alone. Sometimes it takes a lot of outside observations from people your trust and who would have a good idea of what they are talking about. Andrew and my desire to get therapy was strong, but the final push has bee you guys, because we just continued and always just gravitate back to each other, thinking I can just work on my issues, until the NEZT series of drama is caused by me and my ISSUES. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 :o:o:o oops hmm well I did not intend to be dishonest? I believe you did not intend it. The dishonest part, from my perspective, was the reason you have not pursued therapy and stuck with it being that you are "busy with life." I think you have other reasons that you are avoiding "going there." And, frankly, I think you need to be a lot MORE busy with real life than you are. I think it would be good for you to have your days pretty filled with things you had to do (like full time work or school) to keep you out of your own head more, and to give you structure as well as goals and ways to gain a sense of accomplishment and thus, help your self esteem. I realize that all of this is a lot, and probably too much to digest now, but your sense of self - worth being so tied up with being a "great girl," "fun," "slim and fit" is not really enough. All of those attributes are certainly positive ones, and you need to build more, different ones as well. You also need to be able to include your own "issues" in your personality rather than denying them most of the time and then succumbing to a total tsunami of them all. THERAPY. THERAPY. Even if you don't think it's working. I'm pretty sure that your profound drive to be "okay" is still with you when you walk into a therapy appointment. It's going to take you a LONG time to reveal what goes on, and what has gone on in the past, with you in a very naked way. I used to be like that myself, and therapy would not help me because I was unable to stop my own (very successful) patterns of controlling what was thought of me by other people when I was in the office. I am absolutely NOT thinking of diagnosing you, but it might be wise for you to seek a therapist who does work with folks who have borderline personality disorder. They are knowledgeable about how to get around all that kind of thing.
beyond Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Having read this thread thoroughly again - I smell a rat:eek:
Mike_d Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 wow, just wow when you visit your new therapist you should print out this thread and just hand it to him/her, then you'll be well on your way it really reads like you have huge co-dependency issues. you are wrecking this relationship from the inside out. there is also a really really big self fulfilling thing going on here, you freak, create the issue, and then drive the issue to reality. now he has to deal with this created problem that only exists because it serves you somehow that this guy, crippled emotionally as he may or may not be, has hung around this long is pretty amazing, good on him. you guys have a ton of work to do, but you need to girl up and accept responsibility for your part, stop dragging your feet and start dealing with reality and your sh*t 2
dreamingoftigers Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 YOUR DAUGHTER IS VERY CUTE!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha, thanks. I should update my photos. I post a year old or older. Nothing's recent. OK so - you appear to have some very good insight about relationships You have got my full attention here............... Erm.... My relational stuff has come a lot of reading and a lot from falling flat on my face. Don't hold to all of it like I'm a professional or any such thing. But I've had similar issues so I can relate. So how did YOU deal with losing this guy; WHY did you lose him ( you faile dto get help for what issues exactly? Something similar or overlapping og mine I read it as.....) well to be quite frank.... I went pretty crazy, I was off for the summer anyways and I bought myself a tent and decided that i was going to go walk across the country. I mean, hey isn't that what EVERYONE does after a breakup? walk across the country? LOL. too bad I didn't live in Lichtenstein..... Anyways after getting halfway through the next province and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes I pretty much said "Fu*k this, I'm hitchhiking." I ended up in Kamloops, BC with a wicked ear infection so I stayed at a hostel. I worked off and on for hire-a-student (which sucked) then I ran short of money and this bum panhandled off of me. I gave him a dollar, he started talking with me. And a year later we got married. not the wisest thing per se. . I lost my bf/fiancé partially because of him not standing ip to me or being able to set a single boundary but mostly because of my insecurities and emotional demands. Including abandonment issues. In hindsight I can see how overwhelmed he was. But also I kind of knew at the time that I would always be a in leadership position during the duration of the relationship, having to try to be strong enough for both of us while trying to get him to clean up my emotional mess at the same time. It couldn't do anything else but collapse. We had really nice chemistry together too though. It was really rough for me. I cried everyday for 3 months. It was weird because as I was traveling around it rained everyday too. Even in the tundra. Bizarre. And HOW did you know you were " fixed"? I am not necessarily "fixed." I've noticed over the years that people generally think they are healthy or normal or okay if they are in a better spot than they were before. In my case, my abandonment trigger doesn't go off nearly as harshly as it used to because I had to face all of those abandonment and alone triggers so many times. Things got so bad last tear that it felt like it was happening almost day-to-day. Just so bleak. The most major thing that helped me was a sort of "adopting yourself" exercise from Taming Your Outer Child. I haven't felt so alone since. I also know when that flooding of emotions happens that I WILL survive and get through it. Knowing that that devastation has an end in and of itself, helps me to feel more in control of my own circumstances and often relieves a lot of the symptoms. That second you don't feel so dependent on them calling etc. Is the second you start feeling ten times better. I have not gotten to that healthy phase where I just feel "right" about myself and my intimate relationships yet, but I like myself enough and know I have a lot going for me ( because I like who I am and the firextion i want to go in in life) So I am still happy along the way to getting help and reaching this " healthy" place.. I was at that point a little bit ago. I liked myself okay and thought I had a lot of confidence. I guess I did bit it was more in the form of "I don't have it figured out at all this whole "loving yourself" thing but I'm sure I'll get it eventually." But it sounds like a huge weight will be lifted of my shoulders once I bcome " well" enough..... I am prepared to really right for and work hard to save my relationship with Andrew. I really think that Taming Your Outer Child would help your focus a lot. I don't always enjoy her anecdotes, but her stuff is pretty solid. It won't be a waste to learn some new skills etc from counseling and reading
dreamingoftigers Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Actually yeah, it seems that feeling awesome is more of a perk if being healthy than the other way around Working on your issues is about a lot more than "feeling pretty awesome and having your own life." It's about learning the strategies that will help you cope with your emotions. Learning the strategies that will help you build good relationships. It's okay that you're not feeling pretty awesome right now. Nobody feels pretty awesome all the time. We all face hardships and we all get jealous and upset. Some people just have more faith in their capacity to deal with upsetting events. They have more faith because they've developed good coping strategies. This thread clearly indicates you would benefit from learning how to deal with events that upset you. Therapy is there for exactly that. Quit putting it off. For your benefit and that of your relationship.
rainfall Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 If course, after reading peoples advice regarding hookers, I will not allow for it anymore. I just thought it would be harmless letting a guy in a long term relationship have fun on a rare occasion. I do not see how a hooker once a year or so, amounts to the guy wanting to have more. Andrew acts and appears the opposite of greedy. The two hookers have not made him want more than a hookers more often, or girls that are not hookers. Shouldn't you be having fun with the person you are in a relationship with? If you have to seek outside people in order to have "fun" then maybe you need to take a look at what is wrong with your relationship.
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Shouldn't you be having fun with the person you are in a relationship with? If you have to seek outside people in order to have "fun" then maybe you need to take a look at what is wrong with your relationship. I have told him this, and he agrees; he does not need other people to have " fun". I just had a misguided view that it would be better for him to have hookers on a rare occasio, because it was better than having sex with one person for many years....
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 and HE CONTACTED ME!!!!! I JUST missed him on facebook by 50 mins:( He said " hey baby I miss you so much I'm not dirty dacing with girls bubby there are so many prostitues all yelling out for sex but I tell them to f*ck off you can't go anywhere without them yelling at you lol I have food poisoning and feel really sick and miss you lots, I have been trying to find an internet place but there hard to find, so what you got to tell me I love you" Then he said another message " r u there, I thought you would have been on miss my bubby" He is not a liar. At all. He never lies and can tell when I tell white lies lol, such as spilling something and trying to cover it up..... He would TELL me if he did sleep with a hooker. And I told him he could any way, but when he gets back, I am going to tell him that I do not want that to be an option for him anymore. The fact that he is not that keen on having on by the sounds of things speaks volumes.. Give I told him he could. I feel COMPLETELY better now, after that contact. Although I am going to tell him that he is in a decent hotel that would have access to the internet surely? 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Hmm I just think it is who he is, to want to go do all the fun activities there, such as snoorkling, elephant rides, and dirt biking..... Without having to answer to me all the time; he tends to think if the relationship means anything, then we should both be able to trust each other. He hates guys who are controlled by their g/f, where the girlis needy, clingy, and needs constant contact; he likes to be able to be independant, and do hsi own thing without answering to any girl.... At the same time he likes to be very close when he is with me, and wants me to see that he is too close to just go and cheat. I like that I am his first girl, that he calls ' baby" and " babe" lol.... I find it to be cute. A lot of people on here would not believe aything he says, but in this case I know him best and know the truth. People on here can be very netagive, and assume guys in his position are away from their girlfrinds because they want to be single anyway, and will obviously cheat.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Leigh, That's great that he contacted you and that you are feeling better. I still hope that you reach out for IC (possible EMDR) on Monday.
Kamille Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Leigh, I'm glad he contacted you. More importantly, I'm glad you feel better. Like Dreamingoftigers, I strongly recommend you still make it a priority to look for therapy on Monday. You've just spent two days in complete emotional turmoil. You can learn to deal with these situations better. Doing so will be good for you and it will be good for your relationship. It will help you not imagine the worst every time Andrew leaves. Enjoy your day and remember: THERAPY! 4
veggirl Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Leigh, Im glad he messaged you. I wish you guys would have discussed communication expectations before he left though. You are very stream-of-conscious in your postings. You are right, he is not a liar. He has proven that to you over and over again. He's very patient with you, and you are with him. It's all good. Breeeathe
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Thanks guys:) He messaged me two more times, and went out just to message me ( and not on the way to someplace else) He is missing me a lot and it is clear that all is good. But, of course, it won't stay good if I don't get therapy, because there is a high likely hood that I will drive him away. I am really happy for now though, I went ans stayed with friends last night and had a few drinks. It was great to get a little drunk for the first time in MONTHS. Drunk in a fun way, of course:) albiet, I did not remember the last part of the night, posing for heaps of pictures that are now on facebook, and how I got to bed.. oops! Moreover, I am SO happy I have some friends these days!!! For YEARS I sat and cried about how lonely I was most days...Where as NOW, i have a bunch of friends. Life is SO different to when I first joined LoveSHack...... Andrew will literally be thrilled that I now have plenty of people to socialise with outside of our relationship... we have been waiting for things to get to this stage for many months.... 2
TG1 Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 With my situation, I am trying to deal but I don't know if me & her are either still together or if we're over, if she's coming or going, I don't know but for me I am heartbroken from day to day but I get by barely
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 With my situation, I am trying to deal but I don't know if me & her are either still together or if we're over, if she's coming or going, I don't know but for me I am heartbroken from day to day but I get by barely I am really sorry to hear that! It must be terrible. I am only AT the stage where the relationship will fail unless I get professional help; at least I still have him for now.. I really wish there was something I say that would make you feel better, but sadly, only time will help:(:(:( And what do you mean by your not sure? How did you two part ways? Did you have an argument before she left? Did she officially SAY you were no longer a couple?
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 With my situation, I am trying to deal but I don't know if me & her are either still together or if we're over, if she's coming or going, I don't know but for me I am heartbroken from day to day but I get by barely I just saw your post in the dating section! No need to explain it again then:) I have also been a jealous night mare at times, although not all the time;you know, I let him go out and party with his friends when he is with me occasionally, and do not worry at all. It is just when he has been away :)have gotten worried about the incessant partying and alcohol....
veggirl Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 How long til he comes back Leigh? Glad you went to your friends cultivating relationships outside of the relationship will do wonders for you!!
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 How long til he comes back Leigh? Glad you went to your friends cultivating relationships outside of the relationship will do wonders for you!! Ha ha to an extent! Don't end up over at the infidelity section!
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 LOL. Well - I have to be very careful of male friends. Sometimes, I am their physical type ( I am thin, but with a very curvy butt and boobs) and long blonde hair with great teeth. Therefore - if they like the thin, big breasted type, they always just end up asking for sex/and a relationship with me. That is not to say I think I am that special, look wise - I am not every ones cup of tea, but I am for some people, and I have learnt I can only be * friends* with men who do not want to have sex with me. I am a really nice person, therefore once they are very attracted, then cannot help but try to go for me when their really drunk. Although one nice guy just told me straight up that he could not just be friends; where as aanother one got drunk threw himself on me, trying to touch me and kiss me ( while Andrew was away of course, last year...) I would NEVER cheat. That is the thing about me; I am loyal. And I think Andrew is actually the one for me. He makes me incredibly happy all day every day. ALthough I love my own independant life and time to myself, he is on my MIND ALL. The. Time. He lights up my life in a way that just makes me a much better and happier person. UM. He messages me every day, and yesterday he said he wanted to marry me. That when he was in the Thai HOspital ( he got very ill and had to go to hospital) that I was all he thought about blablabla and he would love me forever. WOuld do anything for me , and questioned me as to wheather I would be with him no matter what. The best bit - was that, as you know, I thought it would be better if I was the " cool girlfriend" and let Andrew have threesomes with me and have hookers occasionally, once a year or every two years... But I hae a change of heart, and asked if he is willing to give those up, and would he still be REALLY happy with me. He said " of course, I don't eve care about them. I think we can be really happy". I am very happy now, but have not rang a psych yet, I am literally busy with school and the gym until the office hours are closed - BUT I finish at 2.30 tomorrow, and will start to ring the numbers I have listed. I am very happy, and think we will remain together until we grow out of each other; which may or may never happen. The reason he wanted to meet me to begin with, was because we met online ( I moved to new town, wanted to make friends, went onlie) and he heard I had anorexia and was trying to recover, had no friends, etc... He said he had a huge urge to help me, even if we were just friends. Hence why I think he has stuck around while I have the girlfriend from hell. I did not have a single friend when we met, I was not quiet weight restored, and I would not even eat out of anyone elses plates at their homes ( seeing as I thought they were " laced with chemicals and added sugar" which I avoided). I remember the first time I ate fruit with im out of HIS plate. HE thought it was very odd when I told him:D I constantly laugh when we are together, as does he - and I like laughing, that is very important to me. ANd our life gials are the same. I think he wants to get married in a few months:S OR at least propose. ............I love the idea of doing it soon, after less than two years together. Once you know, you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Sh8t happens, but I told him we should live for the now, and that yes, I did really like the idea of getting hitched early on, people will be like WTF... His mates will be baffled. He was NOT the marrying type.... I have a male friend coming to stay with me tomorrow night, and then I am going out for my good girlfriends b day tomorrow, then ANdrew is back on Saturday. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, but I cannot absoutely not ruin it, by being compacent, and not seeking professional help. I realized I did a lot wrong with Andrew - and that I was often mean to him and swore at him over mundane, stupid things! I realized I could be a much, much better person, and to pick my battles. My father is a stress head and is ausive at time sand screams. hence why I have perhaps followed in his footstephs. Andrew has made this observation. REALLY THOUGH - Andrew being away and saying he wants to get married soon, has changed my outlook a great deal; I want to be and know I ca be nicer to him, in the way I deal with the annoyances of daily life, with your partner......
Author Leigh 87 Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Ha ha to an extent! Don't end up over at the infidelity section! But yeah - ANdrew and I think cheating is r eally, really really really.... stupid. We think why bother with a partner who you would cheat on? WHy not just be casual, if your not THAT into them? We do not think you can cheat on a person if your are truly in love. We see his married friends, and we are much closer than they are, we feel; you know, we laugh constantly due to our shared inside jokes and persoal humour, a lot of which is only shared between one another; and get closer the more we are together. Some couples, we can see, are not that great together at all. One couple that is with him are apaprently really annoying and bad together; they recently married. But the girl is a real b*tch! I was at a house party, and as a young 24 r old, Andrew flashed my boobs at people. We were running around with water guns gaving immature fun. The girl comes out and goes " you have NO self respect, go away" ............Andrew says on this trip, she is a nightmare and they dislike her, and that she is nasty to everyone; that she is not good together with her husband. WE DO NOT party at all together these days, we are saving it until we are both working and can afford the odd crazy weekend. But I am afraid to say, that we are both very immature and crazy when it comes to the whole partying thing. I am into fitness and love climbing trees when Iam drun, and he loves to climb anything he can get his hands on. Hence why I worry at lot about him when he is partying without me with no contact. I think a lot of people settle. I think Andrew and I are so willing to grow and change, in order to constantly have more fun together; we DO NOT want to feel like we are with the same person for years on end... we feel people should grow and change appropriately, as a response to new challenges they face. To not remain boring and stagnant in terms of our personal development. I honestly want to get married to him. And engaged very soon; We want a honeymoon in Africa - in a saffari. So Iw ant to get engaged SOON, and the get married as soon as we save up to go to Africa. We do not want a traditional wedding, and would rather do it our own way, alone. I am shocked still; I did not think I was the marrying type, and I have been in a long term relationship before. Yet now I find myself, as soon as he mentioned it - I find myself DESPERATELY wanting to marry him:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused: I think with the right psychologist, I will handle myself in the situations I am unreasonable in - and handle the instances in life in general, where I fall short in dealing with. Man, I would NEVER cheat though. I think it is disgusting and shows your icredibl selfish and with no integrity. I would NEVer take a cheater back.
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