Whitney20 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Bare with me, this could get lengthy. My husband has always been very good to me. Never gave me any reason to believe he was cheating. I got pregnant back in October and we were thrilled to be having our second child. But the whole pregnancy, things were a little rocky between us. He claimed I never showed him attention, I guess bc I didn't want to have sex as often as he did. Sorry if I didn't feel my sexiest and my hormones were giving me a mind f*ck. I caught him talking to girls and found out he was in a dating website. Even though we constantly fought about it, I just let it go and started distancing myself from him. We were more like roommates towards the end othe pregnancy. At 39 weeks, I went in for a routine check up and I was supposed to be induced 2 days later... Until I got the worst news of my life. They couldn't find the heartbeat. I lost my daughter due to a cord accident. My husband and I were absolutely devastated. They say a tragedy like that can either bring a couple closer together or tear them apart. At the time, it brought us together. He was my rock. He never left my side. He was so loving and supportive and just what I needed. He told me how sorry he was for all the talking to other women and kept reassuring me nothing ever happened. He just talked, and I believed him. Back in May I got a message on Facebook from a woman telling me that she wanted to let me know that my husband was not a honest man and was presenting himself as single. I never saw it for some reason until this past Friday. I questioned him about it all day Friday and he denied anything and everything. Saying she was some girl he used to talk to and she was mad at him for whatever reason and was trying to get back at him. I didn't believe him. I kept on and he finally confessed to meeting that girl in a bar and ended up seeing her quite a few times. It lasted over a month. He said all that happened was that they made out a few times and she gave him head once. I talked to the girl and she said the same thing. They never had sex. I believe her. I felt that she was truly sorry for what happened. She said she would have never given him the time of day if she would have known about me. She had been cheated on before so she knew how it felt. Naturally I was devastated to say the least. Here he was promising to be better after we lost our daughter just 6 weeks ago, but he was still hiding this huge lie. I truly believe he is sorry for what he did and he has been trying very very hard to prove to me that he will never do it again and he wants to make our marriage work. But how do I get over something like that, given the circumstances and the opportunities he had to tell me? Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated!
bigmomma1974 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I want to start by saying I am very sorry for your loss, I know just how devastating something like that can be, my heart goes out to you. As for the husband situation, you need to decide if working it out with him is what you truelly want to do. take time for you. Also want to state if your not in therphy this may be something to consider, for both situations. I watched my little sister go through the pain of losing her son and she spiraled down into a deep depression and 14 yrs later she is still there. I would say if you truelly love him and want to work it out, then he needs to be honest about everything. it is horrible when a spouse/significant other strays. As hard as all of this is, search deep in your soul are you willing to give him another chance, will you ever truelly trust him again. most people say once a cheater always a cheater but I don't believe this is true in all situations. Just keep in mind you didn't do anything wrong. I hope what ever happens with your marriage you make the right choice for you and you alone. He needs to let you regain his trust and he needs to be honest about everything, Let him know you want everything he did out in the open and then go from there. Good luck hun and I hope you pull through this ugly situation.
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 It's common for a wayward to lie, deny, and minimize after being discovered in an affair. Did I say common? I meant that there is a 100% chance of that happening. Some people do successfully reconcile after an affair. Others just stay and there's nothing successful about it. He is going to try to manage you and to have you get over it asap. The foundation for a marriage is honesty and trust. Based on what he's done, he pretty well dropped a nuclear weapon on your marriage. It's going to take a lot of clean-up. Are you going to do it or is he? He would likely prefer to get a huge rug and sweep it all under there. If you want a successful reconciliation, he has to do the heavy-lifting. His life becomes an open book. He is fully transparent with you (Facebook, email, phone calls, texts, his whereabouts, who he is with). And he answers your questions without defensiveness. He should embrace the opportunity to rbuild trust with you. I would want to know all of his profiles and passwords to all of the dating sites. Have him write out the details in a timeline format. Don't settle for less than complete honesty, transparency and it should be proactively coming from him. If you experience any resistance, show him the door. You should probably be doing this already. Facing the real-life consequences of his actions is likely the only thing that will make him realize how hard he needs to be fighting for his marriage. That's different from damage control. Sorry you find yourself here. It sucks. Keep your head making your decisions, rather than your heart. If you soften the blow for him, he learns nothing except that he can do this and you'll always stay.
Ugh1 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 First off, the only thing I am going to say about your husband is that he is bastard and I would've been done with him immediately, but you shouldn't take advise about marriage from me. I have been divorced twice and showed both of them the door because of dishonesty. Second, please accept my condolences. I lost my son in a similar fashion and had a stillbirth. The hormones are there and a few days later the milk comes in. It was absolutely awful. It took me a year to finally feel a bit back to normal. I am sooooo sorry for your loss. Someone who had been in a similar situation suggested a book to read and it helped me so much. So, I'm suggesting you get it. I won't help with your husband issue, but the sadness from your less will keep coming back time and again. It is calles Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. It was such a blessing to me and I hope it helps you. May God help you heal
Recommended Posts