FitChick Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 This article is excerpted from comedian Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man. Someone posted the link on another thread and I just read the article. Now I've got to go find that book and read the whole thing. I think these questions are valid whether you are a man or a woman if you are looking for a serious relationship. It will save a lot of time and heartache. 2
monkey00 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 This article is excerpted from comedian Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man. Someone posted the link on another thread and I just read the article. Now I've got to go find that book and read the whole thing. I think these questions are valid whether you are a man or a woman if you are looking for a serious relationship. It will save a lot of time and heartache. Oh god..an ex of mine is a fan of his work and this book. 'Cookie' as he puts it. 1
SJC2008 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 As with all dating books and rules they are "in general" if you get my drift. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household. Yelling, cursing and domestic violence. My fater was a recovering alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic and never will be and if I have a family we're gonn have a leave it to beaver style family because I wan't nothing to do with the envronment I was raised in. The questions insinuate the old "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" take but in my case it rolled so far past the tree it can't even see it. 1
Author FitChick Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 LoveShack would be a lot quieter if people asked those questions the first month of dating someone. We'd have no "we've been living together two years -- how does he feel about me?" 2
Kamille Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 So people who don't have a relationship with God have no moral barometers? Somebody should send this guy the studies that show that atheist tend to have a stronger sense of ethics than most other "religious" groups. Other than that, most of the questions kind of naturally happen for me within the first few dates. 5
TheFinalWord Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) This article is excerpted from comedian Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man. Someone posted the link on another thread and I just read the article. Now I've got to go find that book and read the whole thing. I think these questions are valid whether you are a man or a woman if you are looking for a serious relationship. It will save a lot of time and heartache. Glad to see some spiritual component in this write-up. Most writers don't see the connection between our countries' spiritual decay and modern dating woes. If you're a Christian woman, I recommend a much more direct question. See vid for details (warning Christian video ) (2:18) How to Identify a Real Man - YouTube Edited August 9, 2012 by TheFinalWord 1
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I'm not Christian, or even necessarily advocate any particular religion... however, asking someone directly what their guiding vision/goal in life is spot on. 1
Quiet Storm Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 As with all dating books and rules they are "in general" if you get my drift. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household. Yelling, cursing and domestic violence. My fater was a recovering alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic and never will be and if I have a family we're gonn have a leave it to beaver style family because I wan't nothing to do with the envronment I was raised in. The questions insinuate the old "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" take but in my case it rolled so far past the tree it can't even see it. The sad part is though that almost everyone from a dysfunctional family says this. Let's see how you're doing in 20, 30, 40 years. Nobody thinks that history is going to repeat itself, but it very often does. It just usually doesn't show up until a crisis occurs and you realize that you were never given the tools to cope with life. You didn't have good models, and so much of family life & coping skills are modeled. We can copy the way the families on Leave it to Beaver or Cosby Show do things, but when things get bad it is so easy to revert to our ingrained patterns of dysfuntion. Google "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and see (I am one, too). You do not have to turn into an alcoholic- there are so many dysfunctional personality traits that have nothing to do with drinking. It really takes counseling and learning totally different coping skills for many people to overcome family of origin issues. 1
proseandpassion Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I had someone ask me on a date where I saw myself in 10 years and I completely was stumped. 1
SJC2008 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 The sad part is though that almost everyone from a dysfunctional family says this. Let's see how you're doing in 20, 30, 40 years. Nobody thinks that history is going to repeat itself, but it very often does. It just usually doesn't show up until a crisis occurs and you realize that you were never given the tools to cope with life. You didn't have good models, and so much of family life & coping skills are modeled. We can copy the way the families on Leave it to Beaver or Cosby Show do things, but when things get bad it is so easy to revert to our ingrained patterns of dysfuntion. Google "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and see (I am one, too). You do not have to turn into an alcoholic- there are so many dysfunctional personality traits that have nothing to do with drinking. It really takes counseling and learning totally different coping skills for many people to overcome family of origin issues. I'm far from perfect but my family has gone through enough crisis' to know I can handle anything! I'm aware of all these things like the adult children of alcoholics and other things. If I was going to be an alcoholic I'd be one by now IMO. I certainly have enough "excuses" if that happened.
The Way I Am Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) So people who don't have a relationship with God have no moral barometers? Somebody should send this guy the studies that show that atheist tend to have a stronger sense of ethics than most other "religious" groups. Other than that, most of the questions kind of naturally happen for me within the first few dates. I didn't originally share the link here, but I suggested some posters read it another thread. At the risk of repeating what I said in that thread, I didn't like that either. I have some guy friends who are atheist, and they have better values and morals than a lot of people claiming to be Christian. If you are a Christian and want to raise kids who are Christian or it's important your partner attends church with you, I can see why you'd eliminate atheists. Otherwise, no. And the implication is that if you're reading the book and aren't Christian, you have no morals. Maybe he assumed atheists, buddhists, and hindus wouldn't read his book. Otherwise, he does a good job of explaining that you should ask what the other person wants and make sure it's in line with what you want rather than some generic set of criteria. Oh, I forgot about a person's relationship with their parents being important. There's truth to that, but I take it with a grain of salt. His advice is similar to the advice of Barbara De Angelis' books The Real Rules and Are You the One for Me. Edited August 9, 2012 by The Way I Am
The Way I Am Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 It really takes counseling and learning totally different coping skills for many people to overcome family of origin issues. Which is doable and something to consider rather than dismissing anyone who didn't grow up with a perfect family relationship. The majority of us probably didn't have the ideal family and don't have perfect relationships with our parents.
Author FitChick Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 His advice is similar to the advice of Barbara De Angelis' books The Real Rules and Are You the One for Me. Except Barbara de Angelis has been married five times. "Those who can do; those who can't teach." 1
The Way I Am Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Except Barbara de Angelis has been married five times. "Those who can do; those who can't teach." Doesn't change that her advice is practically the same as Steve Harvey's in that excerpt. And it doesn't make their advice less worthwhile. Both are pretty much summed up with: ask questions up front and make sure the person's goals and intentions match yours. It's good advice. If you struggle with the coming up with the right questions to ask, they both have good suggestions. De Angelis is up front in her books about her failed marriages and how she did all the wrong things in her relationships, so it's not like she's a fraud. In the books, she talks about the ways her relationship with her husband is different from the failed ones. You got me curious to see if she's still married to that husband, so I did a search. I found interviews from 1990 that talk about them dating, so she was with him before she wrote the 2 books I mentioned. I specifically tried to see if they were divorced, but I didn't find anything. I did find he hosts a chiropractic AM radio show in LA and has an about page that may or may not be out of date which says "He lives with his wife and yellow Labrador in Los Angeles, California". All De Angelis' info says she's been married 5 times, which means either they've been together for 22 years or they had a quiet divorce. I like her advice, because I read her books maybe, I don't know... 5 years ago. I don't agree with all of it, but most of it is useful. It helped me be happier and have a great relationship with an awesome boyfriend instead of the sh*tty relationships I had before.
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