OW...new to this

[stillafool]

Not all men who have affairs are scumbags. Many of them have tried every way they know how to have their emotional and physical needs met and have given up after many years of trying. And, yes, I know divorce is always an option but, I cannot bring myself to hate this man who can't just walk away from his wife and kids.

 

Yeah so noble, but yet he has no problem cheating on his wife and kids. Why? Because it's something he wants along with wanting his wife and kids.

In otherwords what works best for him. Classic cake eating.

[stillafool]

this is the ULTIMATE betrayal-- friends don't do this!

 

I know what a betrayal this is and I know I seriously f*cked up. I want to make things right or better and I'm trying to figure out how to go about that...

 

You can make it right by telling your friend what you have done and break it off with her husband. Then you can mourn the loss and begin to heal. Until you do that you will sink deeper and deeper into a hole until your supposed friend finds out and then you will see what she means to MM. He will throw you under the bus and the two of them will turn on you making you feel very low and of course your reputation will be shot all to hell. At this point that is the only way out because your "supposed to be friend" will find out. It is just a matter of time. It is like you are sitting on a time bomb.

[woinlove]

Today is their 5 yr anniversary. My MM texted me first thing this morning and it was just like when we used to be just friends... It's so hard because I just want to be with him. I feel like such a whiner to say that my heart hurts. I'm usually so much stronger.

 

That is your "friend's" 5 year anniversary? I have never quite been able to wrap my head around affairs with the spouses of friends. I just can't see how one handles the emotions of wanting your friend's husband on her 5th wedding anniversary.

 

If you don't mind me asking, do you really consider you two to be friends or do you consider the "friendship" to be a deception you kept up with her in order to have what you wanted with her husband?

[Birdgirl25]

Yeah so noble, but yet he has no problem cheating on his wife and kids. Why? Because it's something he wants along with wanting his wife and kids.

In otherwords what works best for him. Classic cake eating.

 

You're right. He keeps his marriage without being inconvenienced with a divorce and he gets me, who he has a lot in common with and finds attractive. See, we started as friends who would just hang out a lot because we have a ton of similar interests. Then, it just became a friends with benefits scenario and the rest is history... We messed up a good friendship by giving into our desire for each other. That's what makes me the most sad.

[Birdgirl25]

That is your "friend's" 5 year anniversary? I have never quite been able to wrap my head around affairs with the spouses of friends. I just can't see how one handles the emotions of wanting your friend's husband on her 5th wedding anniversary.

 

If you don't mind me asking, do you really consider you two to be friends or do you consider the "friendship" to be a deception you kept up with her in order to have what you wanted with her husband?

 

It's extremely difficult to handle the emotions I'm feeling today. Honestly, I'm "friends" with her because she and I work together. If I tell you more about her personality, it will only make it seem like I'm trying to make myself seem better, that I'm the better choice, etc., etc., etc... I've kept up the pretense so she doesn't speak poorly of me to our mutual friends and so that I have an excuse to remain close to him.

[Artie Lang]

I've kept up the pretense so she doesn't speak poorly of me to our mutual friends and so that I have an excuse to remain close to him.

 

this is sick.

 

you mean to tell me you are friends with her only to be close to him? that is the only reason for your friendship... to betray her with her husband?

Edited August 11, 2012 by Artie Lang

[woinlove]

It's extremely difficult to handle the emotions I'm feeling today. Honestly, I'm "friends" with her because she and I work together. If I tell you more about her personality, it will only make it seem like I'm trying to make myself seem better, that I'm the better choice, etc., etc., etc... I've kept up the pretense so she doesn't speak poorly of me to our mutual friends and so that I have an excuse to remain close to him.

 

Birdgirl, you seem rather disconnected from some emotions. You had mentioned earlier you don't feel guilt. Perhaps you have difficulty feeling empathy too, the ability to put yourself in the other person's place and understand what it means to them. I think therapy could help you be more connected, to make better decisions and be less likely to hurt yourself and others. What you and MM are doing is cruel and I think when one is cruel over an extended time, there typically is a lot of personal cost to oneself (as well as to others). Better to start getting help now, than to wait for that damage to accumulate. What do you think about getting counselling?

[Birdgirl25]

this is sick.

 

you mean to tell me you are friends with her only to be close to him? that is the only reason for your friendship... to betray her with her husband?

 

I know that being honest and posting about a situation like this opens oneself to judgement and that's fine. It's a sh*tty situation I've gotten myself into. Maybe if you knew more about the W, you'd understand why I don't necessarily feel guilty, but I'm not going to use this forum to trash talk her. I came here to try and understand why these things happen, that I'm not alone, and for ways to cope. You can judge me all you want....the one thing I've learned from this situation is that I can't and WON'T judge anyone else for sharing something so personal.

[Birdgirl25]

Birdgirl, you seem rather disconnected from some emotions. You had mentioned earlier you don't feel guilt. Perhaps you have difficulty feeling empathy too, the ability to put yourself in the other person's place and understand what it means to them. I think therapy could help you be more connected, to make better decisions and be less likely to hurt yourself and others. What you and MM are doing is cruel and I think when one is cruel over an extended time, there typically is a lot of personal cost to oneself (as well as to others). Better to start getting help now, than to wait for that damage to accumulate. What do you think about getting counselling?

 

I am actually seeking counseling. I don't know that I'm completely disconnected from emotions. In fact, I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster because of this A all the time. I think i tend to hide my feelings better than most so I don't get hurt, clearly at the possible cost of hurting others. By nature, I'm not an extremely selfish person. This is the most selfish and carefree thing I have ever done. My friends and family would be extremely shocked.

[Artie Lang]

not judging you at all... just gauging where your mindset was/is when you embarked on this path.

 

you were friends with her first, right? how is it that you began to have feelings for her husband and total apathy toward her? that's what I'm getting at. I mean, at some point you guys were close enough that she let you into her life.

 

now, your just keeping her close so you can get to her husband. you should really consider distancing yourself from these people ASAP!

 

you're taking the role of "wolf in sheep's clothing."

 

if you don't consider her a "friend" any longer, then quit the charade... STOP HANGIN' OUT WITH THEM!!! you have no business making a fool out of this woman. it's very cruel.

 

this guy is a total D0UCHEBAG!

Edited August 11, 2012 by Artie Lang

[freestyle]

this is sick.

 

you mean to tell me you are friends with her only to be close to him? that is the only reason for your friendship... to betray her with her husband?

 

 

I was very upset to see that mindset as well.

 

My former best friend used to behave that way---she tried to seduce a married mutual friend of ours, and shortly after he turned her down, she sent his W a friend request on FB.

 

Guess she thought she get in through the back door.........

 

It's one thing to have an affair with a MP---but to use the unwitting BS as a stepping stone, under the guise of friendship.......

 

OP---I hope you'll give some serious thought to how this will affect the BS, should this come to light---these are the kind of circumstances that can create a violent reaction.

[Artie Lang]

^no doubt. this is the worst kind of cheater.

 

I'm not absolving his atrocious lack of morals, but you slithered your way into their marriage through "friendship" only to betray her in the worst possible way.

 

again, if this comes out- when this comes out -you're going to be seen as the epitome of a true "homewrecker" in the eyes of everyone who's "in the know."

 

try to live that down!

[Birdgirl25]

^no doubt. this is the worst kind of cheater.

 

I'm not absolving his atrocious lack of morals, but you slithered your way into their marriage through "friendship" only to betray her in the worst possible way.

 

again, if this comes out- when this comes out -you're going to be seen as the epitome of a true "homewrecker" in the eyes of everyone who's "in the know."

 

try to live that down!

 

I "slithered" my way into their marriage?! You only know the facts I have chosen to share. Maybe if you knew me or knew either of them, you wouldn't be wagging your finger so much. Yes, I'm aware if this DOES come out there will be some severe consequences to deal with...we were both aware of that all along and we still thought it was worth the risk.

[BetrayedH]

I "slithered" my way into their marriage?! You only know the facts I have chosen to share. Maybe if you knew me or knew either of them, you wouldn't be wagging your finger so much. Yes, I'm aware if this DOES come out there will be some severe consequences to deal with...we were both aware of that all along and we still thought it was worth the risk.

 

And how's that working out for ya?

 

You should start listening to Artie. What he lacks in tact, he more than makes up for in honest insight.

[Birdgirl25]

woinlove didn't mean you weren't "emotional."

 

woinlove was implying that you have no empathy for others, which is indicative of your pick of several personality disorders.

 

Just because I'm in the situation I'm in doesn't mean I completely lack empathy. I realize that it appears that way when it comes to this specific situation, but does that doesn't mean I live my life without empathy.

[Birdgirl25]

In your opening remarks you stated that you did not feel any guilt. You also stated that the BW is a friend.

 

You may say you have empathy, but your actions state you have zero empathy. Therefore, you need to examine yourself very carefully since lack of empathy is a symptom of some personality disorders. It is not so much that you lack empathy on purpose. Most of the time you are completely unaware of your lack of empathy and lack of guilt.

 

So one serious digression defines who I am as a person and therefore, must mean I have a personality disorder? Wow. I wish I could see everything in life so black and white.

[Birdgirl25]

No it doesn't. Life is not black and white and you'll notice that most of the people that do see it that way have "disorders" of their own.

 

 

How can I best support you as you find your way through this, whatever your choice is?

 

Thank you for understanding, LFH! A few days ago, I was ready to go NC. That lasted less than two days. If I'm being honest, I don't think I'm ready to cut him out completely. First, it's hard because share a social circle. Second, I just want to be with him. I won't make apologies for that...

 

Do many people know about your relationship? Have you had any fallout?

[Birdgirl25]

 

It's ok to not be ready. It's important to be honest with yourself. If you AREN'T ready to cut him out of your life, you aren't going to be successful with it anyway. It has to be what you want and need and you have to be committed to that choice.

 

I have a friend who has been in her A for 6 and a half years. Both are married with kids. When I first started my A, I thought " How can anybody stay in that situation for so long?" Even though it hasn't been a year, I now understand. I'm okay with my choice to be with him because I love him. My first concern was that I've ruined a friendship (with him) because we crossed a line. Now, I realize that just part of any relationship.

 

One thing I do struggle with is jealousy. I'm not jealous when he's spending time with his son, but when his W has his time. Is that something you struggled with or still do?

[Birdgirl25]

LFH can give very good advice as she is a veteran. However, you must consider a few things if you want to follow the path of being the official OW to this man. First of all I assume you have given up on the idea of one day getting married and having a family. Or maybe you don't think you will ever find a man like MM in the open market. If that is the case you can try to be the long term exclusive OW to this man, but there are some things you need to do to avoid problems.

 

You need to stop the friendship with the wife and change jobs, In that manner you will have less stress about being the OW. Just accept the role of OW cheerfully as suggested by LFH and don't make waves. Don't get upset or jealous when he has to spend time with the wife and kids. A good OW is not jealous of the wife at home.

 

Furthermore, always have a plan for the holidays. Don't expect to have Xmas and Thanksgiving. Try to live far and with a different job so maybe one day you can coordinate a vacation together if he happens to be away on a business trip. Always offer to foot the bill for hotels since the wife could get suspicious if the H is paying for unexpected bills.

 

You need to be committed to this lifestyle and be extremely careful not to have a d-day.

 

If that is what you want go for it. However, you need to be strong during those lonely moments.

 

Marriage and family are not things I'm seeking. It's just not part of any plan I've ever had. I am close with my family, so holidays are taken care of...I don't live that close to my MM, but changing jobs is just not an option in my profession. Thank you for the advice. Only time will tell if things work out.

[woinlove]

I would second the advice about stopping the friendship with his wife. I think having to present such a false persona takes a toll, whether you realize it or not. If you want to continue the affair, I'd recommend making a plan to move away from the false friendship with his wife.

[Artie Lang]

i don't think anyone is "ripping you to shreds," as one poster has alleged. just as you're being honest concerning your current sitch, so are the comments- brutally honest!

 

your "digression" might not define you in the long run, but your current actions certainly do. you know you're doing wrong, yet you feel justified in doing it because they're "not compatible." you're justifying the affair by painting your "friend" in a bad light.

 

you never answered my question. were you friends with her before the affair? how did you begin to fall for her husband? would you care to shed some background?

 

as for the "slithered" comment, don't you see this is how this situation is going to be percieved by outsiders. you said it yourself, you're only friends with her to be "close to him." that's what people would call being a snake. am i wrong?

 

it's obvious you're going to continue with this, so what is it that you want to get out of posting here?

Edited August 13, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Birdgirl25]

 

you never answered my question. were you friends with her before the affair? how did you begin to fall for her husband? would you care to shed some background?

 

as for the "slithered" comment, don't you see this is how this situation is going to be percieved by outsiders. you said it yourself, you're only friends with her to be "close to him." that's what people would call being a snake. am i wrong?

 

it's obvious you're going to continue with this, so what is it that you want to get out of posting here?

 

I was friends with her through work before either of us met him. I didn't start spending more time with her on a social level until after she got married. When I started hanging out with her a bit more outside of work, that's when I also started hanging out with him. He and I hit it off right from the start. We have a common love for music and he would make CDs with her full knowledge. She would encourage us to hangout because she doesn't like doing a lot of things he does that I also enjoy. He flirted and flirted with me and even told his W that he liked that I was her friend, leading her to tell me she believed he had a "crush" on me. This was at least 3 years ago. Nothing was acted on until last October. In all that time, we became closer friends and he and everyone we hang out with dubbed me his second wife. I wouldn't really consider that to be snake like. I really haven't spoken about my issues with his wife, that are separate of this situation. Doing so, would only make it look like I'm trying to make her look bad or give excuses and I'm not going to do that.

 

The reason I posted on here is simple. It is a forum for people in a similar situation. I was looking for some support/comfort/advice/whatever that people who have been there can offer.

[Artie Lang]

like I said, I don't think people are here to "cut you down," myself included. we're just giving you our opinions.

 

i agree that if you're going to continue with this, you should end your friendship with her... slowly so you won't draw suspicion. this facade about being her "friend" only compounds the level of cruelty.

 

are you in a relationship yourself? were you ever in a relationship before meeting these people?

 

one last question, and please don't take offense- Can't you get your own man???

Edited August 13, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Birdgirl25]

like I said, I don't think people are here to "cut you down," myself included. we're just giving you our opinions.

 

i agree that if you're going to continue with this, you should end your friendship with her... slowly so you won't draw suspicion. this facade about being her "friend" only compounds the level of cruelty.

 

are you in a relationship yourself? were you ever in a relationship before meeting these people?

 

one last question, and please don't take offense- Can't you get your own man???

 

I do try to keep my distance - I minimize the time I spend with both of them or just her.

 

I'm not currently in a relationship. I have dated a few guys since our A started, but nothing serious. I just don't think it's fair to get involved with someone when I'm having an affair. I have never cheated on anybody I've been in a romantic relationship with, believe it or not. There is someone who is interested in taking things further with me, but I told him we could only be friends. He's a good guy and it would suck for me to get involved with him and let him believe he's the only one. That's just not me.

[Birdgirl25]

 

one last question, and please don't take offense- Can't you get your own man???

 

also, it's really hard not to compare other guys to him. If I analyze, I think I was doing that before our A started.