Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I have been having an affair with a MM for about 10 months. While I know this is a difficult situation to begin with, my situation is even stickier because my MM happens to be married to my friend and co-worker. My MM and I are good friends and have always flirted with each other, but I always took it as an innocent flirtation. However, things changed almost a year ago when the text messages became even more flirtatious. We finally moved from flirtatious texts to real physical contact on his birthday...right before we met up with his family. Ever since then, we get together every chance we get. The thing is, I spend an enormous amount of time with his family because we're such good friends. The running joke amongst friends and family is that I'm his second wife. He says he doesn't feel guilty one bit. I know I should probably feel guilty, but I don't either and maybe it's because I feel like we're soul mates. It's hard for me to bring up serious discussions with him, mostly because I'm scared of what his response might be, not because he doesn't welcome them. I just needed to let this out and wanted to talk to someone who might be in a similar situation.
jwi71 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I have been having an affair with a MM for about 10 months. While I know this is a difficult situation to begin with, my situation is even stickier because my MM happens to be married to my friend and co-worker. My MM and I are good friends and have always flirted with each other, but I always took it as an innocent flirtation. However, things changed almost a year ago when the text messages became even more flirtatious. We finally moved from flirtatious texts to real physical contact on his birthday...right before we met up with his family. Ever since then, we get together every chance we get. The thing is, I spend an enormous amount of time with his family because we're such good friends. The running joke amongst friends and family is that I'm his second wife. He says he doesn't feel guilty one bit. I know I should probably feel guilty, but I don't either and maybe it's because I feel like we're soul mates. It's hard for me to bring up serious discussions with him, mostly because I'm scared of what his response might be, not because he doesn't welcome them. I just needed to let this out and wanted to talk to someone who might be in a similar situation. So what are you looking for? Advice to end the A? How to cope? How to transition from a to M with your MOM? What are you looking for?
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 So what are you looking for? Advice to end the A? How to cope? How to transition from a to M with your MOM? What are you looking for? I guess I'm looking for ways to cope. I don't want to end the A, but I know it can't go on forever the way it is.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 my situation is even stickier because my MM happens to be married to my friend and co-worker So, you feel no guilt that you're having an affair with your friends husband. The work issue just makes it worse as people will figure it out eventually and you two will become the office gossip around the watercooler. How long do you believe your affair will last before someone finds out? Let alone his wife aka your so called friend. You need to stop calling her that because friends do not bed their friends husbands. Anyway, I wish you tons of luck because the fallout is going to be awful..So many consquences considering this is double betrayal. Be prepared and own your part in this when it blows up. Why not ask him if he plans on divorcing his wife. Or if it's just an affair? 5
jwi71 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I guess I'm looking for ways to cope. I don't want to end the A, but I know it can't go on forever the way it is. Whats the problem then...going by your first post, I'm not seeing the issue aside from avoiding serious conversations. What specifically are you not coping with?
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 For starters: Look up what personality disorder is incapable of feeling guilt. And try for just a couple of minutes to be in the shoes of his wife (your best friend). Imagine what it is like to be betrayed by yur husband and your best friend. Try to have an image of what you would feel if you knew these two are making a fool out of you 24/7. Try to imagine what it feels like when you give oral sex to a man that just had intercourse with his OW. See if you can see all these scenarios. Have fun with it. I know it's not fair to her and I know it would be best if he ended things with her. The one thing I believe is holding him back is his son - that he feels obligated to stay for him. This level of selfishness is not typical for me, I just can't seem to stay away from him. The attraction and my feelings are too great. I have not closed myself off to the possibility of other, healthy relationships. But now, of course, being in my friend's position is my greatest fear...
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 End it. Before you get your heart broken...trust me on this one. You dont want to be the OW thats been sitting around waiting for the MM for 10 months and a day, cause at some point, its gonna be 2 years and your gonna be sitting in a pool of your tears screaming "why didnt I stop it when he didnt mean this much to me??" Its fun, excited and dangerous being the OW. Not gonna lie.. and your completely smitten with him and think hes your "soul mate" but if he thought the same he would have left his wife by now. Your soul mate is someone that can be with you and put you first.. right now, your second, any way that you look at it. Im sorry, I know im being harsh and mean but I dont want anyone else to feel the pain that im still feeling. 2
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I know it's not fair to her and I know it would be best if he ended things with her. The one thing I believe is holding him back is his son - that he feels obligated to stay for him. This level of selfishness is not typical for me, I just can't seem to stay away from him. The attraction and my feelings are too great. I have not closed myself off to the possibility of other, healthy relationships. But now, of course, being in my friend's position is my greatest fear... Yes you have. there's NO way you can meet and fall in love with another guy when you're hoping he'll leave and divorce 'your so called' friend and be with you. Your feeling are 'too great'. Your heart and body will not allow another guy close to you. You're addicted to him. The affair fog and the fantasy/hope. If you truly loved him, you'd want to see him happy and let him do what is best for him. SELFLESS love, not selfish love. You'd stay away from him because of his child...And because of your friend. (though she isn't your friend anymore, that all changed as soon as you started the A). 1
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 End it. Before you get your heart broken...trust me on this one. You dont want to be the OW thats been sitting around waiting for the MM for 10 months and a day, cause at some point, its gonna be 2 years and your gonna be sitting in a pool of your tears screaming "why didnt I stop it when he didnt mean this much to me??" Its fun, excited and dangerous being the OW. Not gonna lie.. and your completely smitten with him and think hes your "soul mate" but if he thought the same he would have left his wife by now. Your soul mate is someone that can be with you and put you first.. right now, your second, any way that you look at it. Im sorry, I know im being harsh and mean but I dont want anyone else to feel the pain that im still feeling. Thank you for the very honest response! It is totally exciting, but the waiting around is the worst, not to mention the pangs of jealousy I feel when he's doing "family things." If you don't mind me asking, how long and how did you end things? What was the "last straw"? 1
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Yes you have. there's NO way you can meet and fall in love with another guy when you're hoping he'll leave and divorce 'your so called' friend and be with you. Your feeling are 'too great'. Your heart and body will not allow another guy close to you. You're addicted to him. The affair fog and the fantasy/hope. If you truly loved him, you'd want to see him happy and let him do what is best for him. SELFLESS love, not selfish love. You'd stay away from him because of his child...And because of your friend. (though she isn't your friend anymore, that all changed as soon as you started the A). I don't disagree with you. It is an addiction. I just can't figure out how to change my feelings and move past this. I do love him and I do want him to be happy. It just breaks my heart that things probably won't end with him choosing me. I'm aware of the statistics in these situations.
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I know it's not fair to her and I know it would be best if he ended things with her. The one thing I believe is holding him back is his son - that he feels obligated to stay for him. This level of selfishness is not typical for me, I just can't seem to stay away from him. The attraction and my feelings are too great. I have not closed myself off to the possibility of other, healthy relationships. But now, of course, being in my friend's position is my greatest fear... "The one thing I believe is holding him back is his son." Is there a rope tugging him away? Because if there was then I must not have ment anything to my dad.. (Either that or the rope was a peice of floss) My dad had an OW, my mom found out and soon after, my brother and I did. I was really young..I would have much rather him have left my mom and been with that lady, then had found out about her the way that I did. So personally I think its a load of crap if anyone is staying "for" there kids. Because im sure I can speak for alot of young ones when I say, listening and watching my dad creep around with other girls, and seeing my mom in emotional pain, is a HELL of a lot worse then watching them divorce was. Not to mention growing up in a happy seperated home is alot better for a child then growing up in a "family" that is fighting and cant stand each other is. Im sorry but if you dont want to be with your wife, to the point you are cheating on her. Its a little obvisous that you will be getting a divorce sooner or later..so why not sooner? Not only is this guy wasting YOUR time (which yes, he is doing. Hello...youve now wasted 10 months with this guy. when you could be with someone that wants every part of what comes with being with you!) Hes also wasting his wifes time because she could be finding someone else or doing something else instead of wasting time and energy on him. You though...You are in a mess. I know you...Its like looking in the mirror. and please please believe me. 2 years comes faster then you think. :(:( 2
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Thank you for the very honest response! It is totally exciting, but the waiting around is the worst, not to mention the pangs of jealousy I feel when he's doing "family things." If you don't mind me asking, how long and how did you end things? What was the "last straw"? That's the thing.. TO you, he is your 'everything' and you're getting more and more attached (which is why no other man has a chance with you as long as you're in this affair with him)..To him, you're the affair. He is still living his life with his wife. He makes time for you when he can.. But you will make all the time in the world for him. Let me ask, have you cancelled plans to be with him because he called you and had some spare time? Don't be jealous. Accept it. That is if you plan on continuing on being his OW. You knew he was married, you work with him and know his wife too. His whole family..So, expect that there are times you will have to cope and this is why it's important to keep busy and focus on you as well. Don't put him first all the time. GO OUT with your friends and family. You can't wait for him..He isn't leaving.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I don't disagree with you. It is an addiction. I just can't figure out how to change my feelings and move past this. I do love him and I do want him to be happy. It just breaks my heart that things probably won't end with him choosing me. I'm aware of the statistics in these situations. See this is unhealthy love. Addictive love that can make you do crazy things that you normally wouldn't do. That jealously is bad..And that can drive you to act weird too, as well as ruin who YOU are. The core of your foundation will change as time goes on. You'll do and say things you never thought you'd do. You'll maybe not like who you've become. You deserve better. A man who can give you everything! MM will never be yours full time and give you all that you need and want. Don't settle and don't lower yourself/change you to be with him just to have him in your life. IF his wife finds out, it's done and over asap...
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Thank you for the very honest response! It is totally exciting, but the waiting around is the worst, not to mention the pangs of jealousy I feel when he's doing "family things." If you don't mind me asking, how long and how did you end things? What was the "last straw"? Almost two years. And turns out..he is my soul mate. Hes in the middle of a nasty divorce. Your thinking.."Why did you wait so long?" Alot of reasons. But, mostly because every day I felt like "well iv waited this long..one more day isnt going to hurt." Ill let you in on a lil secret. One more day always hurts. Mine seems so be all working out, and if you ask me if Id take it all back, Id say hell no. I love him! And ask me when im covered in my own tears and Im puking and feel like someone just ripped my beating heart right outta my chest and my answer would still be no, i love him. But when i see someone else in my shoes I look back at the pain I went/ am going through and shake my head, because there is way to many people in this world to go through that kind of pain. Im not gonna say it isnt worth it. But im not going to say it all was. We went through hell to get to where we are. And we held hands when we met the devil. But, please. While your not to deep in hell, get out before you fall...once that fire gets ahold on you, its harder then it looks to stop, drop and roll.
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 I know you...Its like looking in the mirror. and please please believe me. 2 years comes faster then you think. :(:( I don't know how long I can continue to be the OW, but I can't seem to find the strength to move on.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I don't know how long I can continue to be the OW, but I can't seem to find the strength to move on. If you want it over, seek counselling and learn how to get strong enough to end it. Don't be afraid of feeling pain and heartache. Better to end it now rather than 2 years from now when you've invested more of you and your heart into him and the A. 1
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Almost two years. And turns out..he is my soul mate. Do you fear that he'll cheat on you? I have this belief that if MM left his wife for me, I could keep him happy. It seems to me that I have the advantage of seeing both sides of their marriage and all the ways she makes him unhappy since I spend so much time with both of them. He rarely brings her up in conversation and I never say anything bad about her to him.
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I don't know how long I can continue to be the OW, but I can't seem to find the strength to move on. I never did... and mine seems to be working out. But look at all the MMs that never leave there wife. Im not saying he wont. But you dont know, and even if he says he will, that doesnt mean he actually will. I spent almost two years to find out my MM was being honest. (But, I could have just as easily spent two years just to find out he was a liar who wanted to play with my pussy and play mind games on me.) The saying is very true "If you let it go, and it comes back, its yours." Let him go..If he comes back (it may be 10 months...or 10 years) and your single then maybe it was ment to be. But, at least in that 10 months or 10 years you werent crying, waiting, and lying to people about your relationship. Instead your dating, having fun, loving life and every moment! And ya..he will float through your mind every now and then (alot at first. if you end it) But he'll have been a fun one time adventure. And if he comes back, yall will have the most romantic story to tell.
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 You deserve better. A man who can give you everything! MM will never be yours full time and give you all that you need and want. Don't settle and don't lower yourself/change you to be with him just to have him in your life. IF his wife finds out, it's done and over asap... Thank you. I DO want a better situation and I think counseling is a great idea. It helps to even get this much off my chest.
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Almost two years. And turns out..he is my soul mate. Do you fear that he'll cheat on you? I have this belief that if MM left his wife for me, I could keep him happy. It seems to me that I have the advantage of seeing both sides of their marriage and all the ways she makes him unhappy since I spend so much time with both of them. He rarely brings her up in conversation and I never say anything bad about her to him. It seems like the advantage at first. And yes seeing what makes him unhappy will give you things to work off of in your relationship with him. But the things that your watching that are making him happy, are things that SHES doing and your WATCHING. Wait till she touches him in front of you and he smiles (even if its fake). It will make every part of you want to melt away into a puddle of nothingness. Its not an advantage because you should be the one in his arms at night, and you arnt. Its a disadvantage because seeing them together will start to distroy you as you get more attached to him. Yes, im VERY worried and have expressed all of my worries and he makes sure that he is never in a position where it would even look bad. And im VERY clear that if I think anything even smells like cheating that im out and that he will never see or hear from me again.
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 . We dont choose who we fall in love with. But, we can choose how to write our story. And if I could go back..Id edit a few chapters. 2
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 . We dont choose who we fall in love with. But, we can choose how to write our story. And if I could go back..Id edit a few chapters. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience! It's comforting to know that someone else has experienced these feelings and has survived it.
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience! It's comforting to know that someone else has experienced these feelings and has survived it. I survived it.. But...I also suffered through it.
Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 this guy is a scumbag and you're his accomplice. 1
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 this guy is a scumbag and you're his accomplice. He's not a scumbag. I won't make excuses for his decisions, but I wouldn't call him that.
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