christine393 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Lately, it seems like I've only met losers.. And I've recently started thinking that I'm the problem. But this spring, I met a fantastic guy and we've been hanging out nonstop. Last week, I saw that he went out with a female friend that he has multiple photos with. We've discussed being exclusive, and I've met his family.. But he has never called me his girlfriend. He introduces me as a close friend. I even discussed being official and Facebook official, and he changed the subject. As much as I like him, I've learned that guys treat you how you let them treat you. Should I move on?
Identity Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Chances are you are the backup girlfriend. No one will tell you a thing as long as he does not introduce you as his girlfriend. Or he is afraid to commit to anyone / anything / you. Move on.
veggirl Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 yes you should move on. he only refers to you as a friend and ignores when you bring up exclusivity / dating. sounds like you are a FWB.
mortensorchid Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Unfortunately you should move on. It seems the acid test nowadays is when you change your relationship status on Facebook to say "in a relationship (with name)". But he's against it for some reason. Move on.
Author christine393 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Agh, harsh but legitimate advice. Actually not even harsh.. Just true. So I'd be deluding myself by waiting around any longer? The hardest thing is that he will text me all the time. I've tried to say friends and sever contact before and he just doesn't seen to get it
silvermercy Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 He will get it once you've stated you're going no contact and THEN actually going no contact.
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 It sounds like he likes you and enjoys being with you, but you two lack that " x" factor that makes him want to have a serious relationship with you. Just because he is not that into you, it does not mean he does not think highly of you, and enjoy being with you:) You NEED to cut contact for a while until you get over him. Being friends with a person you have feelings for will never work - you will not be able to handle him having girlfriends when he does. I know your enjoy being around him, but he is not into you enough for a relationship, therefore the ONLY option is to forget about him, so you can be free for when the right guy comes along.
Author christine393 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Wow... Thank you Leigh. Reading your post was like getting a slap in the face from reality. It sucks to think he thinks we don't have the x factor and doesn't see me as serious. But I guess I should be realistic.. It's so hard to cut contact with him. He really hasn't even done anything wrong. Except for the whole "I want you to not date other people but I don't want a relationship" thing. He's the perfect guy if it wasn't for this one detail.
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Christine! You can be A GREAT girl in his eyes, without necessarily being " the one" for him! You either have it, or you don't. It is not a case of he is just not that into you, and therefore you suck, he doesn't like you that much, so you should step aside so he can find someone good enough. It is NOT always the case at ALL.... He could very well REALLY like you! He could fine you attractive, and a great girl:) but not every great girl can have that spark, that " right feeling" about them, for a guy to want to commit. A girl who has a less successful career, who is less friendly, and who is less attractive than you could come along. As log as they get along well, they could simply have that " spark" you two are missing. So, please; it is NOT always a matter of " he is not into you, so he must not think much of you, at all". Guys can think very highly of you and love your company, without getting that feeling of wanting to commit with you. DO NOT take it personally. Sure - there are girls who let their bodies go, are lazy, unfit, not particularly warm or friendly, and are not bothered with having a good career - Some people are NOT good versions of themsleves, and therefore will find it hard to attract a mate who pocesses good attributes. You would have had to have something going for you, for him to even WANT to be around you a lot to begin with; come on, he has to at least enjoy your company, and find you attractive enough to hang around a lot, and also have sex with.
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Wow... Thank you Leigh. Reading your post was like getting a slap in the face from reality. It sucks to think he thinks we don't have the x factor and doesn't see me as serious. But I guess I should be realistic.. It's so hard to cut contact with him. He really hasn't even done anything wrong. Except for the whole "I want you to not date other people but I don't want a relationship" thing. He's the perfect guy if it wasn't for this one detail. And how long have you been together? I am not sure when your " spring" was, seeing as I am probably not in the same country as you.... Because my ex partner did not tell people I was his girlfriend, not until we were serious. He had never had a girlfriend before, and his friends weere very immature and teased him about it, therefore he just wanted to keep it low key until if we got serious. He did not even like using the word boyfriend and gf until after about 5 months. He just did not want to get serious right away, but after we did, he was very happy to call me his girlfriend. Look, there is a chance he MAY change his mind. A guy CAN be really into a girl, and still not want to jump right into a full on relationship.... Have you asked HIM if he wants to date other people? Of course, if you even continue at all, you need to tell him that " look, if your not really into me, can you let me move on to find a guy who DOES want to be with me?" and that " I understand if you don't want a relationship, but if you find the right girl, surely you WOULD want to be with her?" Those are the questions I would ask, if it were me.
yongyong Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I don't understand why you should totally ditch him? so you've been dating this guy. you are not sure about 'being his GF'. he gets upset and cut all contacts. Isn't he such a loser by doing that? Why don't you just see him casually and still go out with other guys? If he doesn't care about you going out with other guys and you find a better one, then you can totally ditch him.
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I don't understand why you should totally ditch him? so you've been dating this guy. you are not sure about 'being his GF'. he gets upset and cut all contacts. Isn't he such a loser by doing that? Why don't you just see him casually and still go out with other guys? If he doesn't care about you going out with other guys and you find a better one, then you can totally ditch him. because Chrissy sounds like she is a nice girl, who is already attached and has feelings for this one guy, and obviously likes him enough to WANT him to be exclusive with her..... She needs to cut contact and get over him if she is to move on to other guys.. because if she keeps seein this guy, she will not have a chance to lose her feeligs for him, and she will only get hurt when he finds other girls to have fun with.
kourix Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 off topic, but leigh, i'm in such a situation now and your words just really, wow. you're so right. i've been told by this guy i'm amazing, but he just doesn't feel "it" with me, and it just cut me so deeply, so thanks for saying what you said... and friends with someone you're invested in will never work - i know that because i'm there right now and when we're together, it's like everything's perfect, but once we're out of sight, all the doubts creep in, and i feel sad. my mood can go from high to zero in minutes. it's like living in limbo. and i'm learning that i need to cut him off (i don't hate him nor blame him - i made those decisions) in order to move on, because even when i go on dates, i'm so distracted by thoughts of him. it'l hurt really bad, but it's best for both of us. and someone said recently - things he says is important, but what he isn't saying speaks volumes as well.' whatever you decide, be strong
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 off topic, but leigh, i'm in such a situation now and your words just really, wow. you're so right. i've been told by this guy i'm amazing, but he just doesn't feel "it" with me, and it just cut me so deeply, so thanks for saying what you said... and friends with someone you're invested in will never work - i know that because i'm there right now and when we're together, it's like everything's perfect, but once we're out of sight, all the doubts creep in, and i feel sad. my mood can go from high to zero in minutes. it's like living in limbo. and i'm learning that i need to cut him off (i don't hate him nor blame him - i made those decisions) in order to move on, because even when i go on dates, i'm so distracted by thoughts of him. it'l hurt really bad, but it's best for both of us. and someone said recently - things he says is important, but what he isn't saying speaks volumes as well.' whatever you decide, be strong Well people are so harsh, when it is not always the case of " well, he really is not feeling it with you, he aint into you and does not think your good enough to have a sa girlfriend" It CAN be true, but a LOT of men would not even bother SEEING, spending time and sleeping with a girl, who he really does not think is that great.. Most people, if they do not enjoy being around a girl much, will not bother, unless they: - are seeing a lot of different people and feel the need to have a lot of women on the go ( which means spending time with girls who are just " nothing special", average, okay, bearable enough to talk with and ahve sex with... ( most decent men need to actually LIKE and ENJOY the company of girls they talk to a lot and have sex with.... - are desperate and have no other options; your not that great to them, but you will do until they can do better - are generally not good quality guys! Men who are intelligent and have integrity, will let you know what to go is! If they want fun, decent men will be up front about their feelings, and are too good to bother with girls that do not think highly of. The have options, and whilst they may not be into YOU, they would still think our nice, fun, and pleasant enough to be around, and have sex with.
Author christine393 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 And an update.... Multiple photos of him and another "friend" on Facebook. :/ I don't know about you guys.. But I don't take photos with my friends and press my chest against them...
Author christine393 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Leigh, you are so right. I'm also wary of sticking around with someone who is waiting to find something better. I didn't realize that was happening with my ex and I was a wreck after because of it
The Way I Am Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 christine and kourix, I just read this link that ja123 posted on another thread. It's an excerpt from a book by comedian Steve Harvey. I would never have guessed he'd have great advice for women, but I think his approach will really help you in future relationships. You could even try the questions now if you have any lingering doubts as to whether you should drop these guys. Steve Harvey: Five Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before Getting in Too Deep - ABC News The only part I disagree with is that the man has to believe in God. Steve implies that he won't have morals if he doesn't believe in God. Personally, I'm Christian, but I have some good friends with very high morals and ethics who are atheist. It's important that a man's beliefs are in line with yours not that he believe in God. Other than than, I agree with all of it. A couple other books I read quite awhile ago which I found helpful were "The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for You" and "Are You The One for Me" by Barbara De Angelis. She's one of the relationship gurus, so some love her and some think she's a joke. I'm not sure she's still writing, and the books were published nearly 20 years ago, but I thought they had really solid, practical advice that helped me stop getting into these situations. One of them has a list of important questions to ask a guy and advice on how to ask them without sounding like one of those weirdos with a checklist. I think it's The Real Rules. I bought a bunch of self-help books years ago and got rid of all of them, but The Real Rules is one I kept around for reference -- though I seem to have misplaced it at the moment.
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