Eagle55 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 This will be long. Sorry! Me and my ex started dating late in college and dated for around 2 1/2 years. We became extremely close and I realized she was the first girl I "truly" ever loved. Everything was amazing, I let her into my life (were sometimes I was guarded). Her and my family became extremely close and her family lived several hours away. After graduation, we both remained in town (I am originally from here). She got a job and I basically lived at her place when not staying in between my parents. Our relationship always was open and she never held anything over my head and let me do as I pleased. She was very easy to talk to and very easy going...has a great heart. I travel a lot on the weekends and she always was supportive of my job (music management). About 4 months before she ended things we had an argument (which we didn't normally have many of) and the next morning she said she wasn't sure if she was happy and certain things needed to change. After that we took a few days to clear our head and I "tried" to adjust the few issues she described. One was me not being so judgmental, helping her around the house more, etc. We always had a mature relationship I felt and when this happened I was kind of paranoid. She even said she didn't know if she was in love still. After a few weeks and me improving certain things, everything was back to being fine (as I thought). She came out of town with around a month and a half ago to a music show. Everything that weekend was fine but she seemed a little snappy (outside of her character). I was highly stressed that weekend and we had a few little arguments (I guess this broke the camels back). I have come to realize I have very little patience and little arguments or things I noticed would make me unpleasant. She is a very go lucky person and I think it wore her down over time. So when we got back we spent all day Sunday at my mothers home and everything seemed good. We got back to her place and when she sat down she said "I am not happy". Hearing that was one or two things I thought. Either she was referring to us in general or just because of the weekend. She said that she wasn't sure if she felt the same...if she loved me anymore. Said she loved me but wasn't in love with me. Said it wasn't all my fault and said she wanted to create a better relationship with God and focus on her career. So we talked as I was so blindsided that I panicked. It was my first time being in a relationship situation this serious. It went on with me trying to fix it at that moment, which I have come to find out is terrible idea. So after a while of me trying to make heads or tails of the situation, I realized she was serious. I got my stuff at her house and went home. As I mentioned we had basically been living together and had a dog. She said that she was going to take some time to make sure this was the right decision but she had been feeling this way for some time. She said we had to do this because if we continued on she could possibly have harsh feelings for me. So I was hoping that during the time she was going to use to think, we could work it out. That night, I stayed up and tried to take emotion out of the situation and really focus on what I felt the real problems were. After some time of thinking I was able to write down a good many. The next day I went back over to her house and she was very friendly and I told her that I felt these were some of the issues (I will describe them later). She agreed and said they were some of the issues and seemed happy to see that I figured some of them out. We shared a gym membership card that she really enjoyed. So I let her hold on to it and I said I would come by in the evenings and get it. Throughout that week I came by three times including that Monday to express the issues at hand. I tried to keep the relationship out of the conversations as much as possible. Just being casual and acting okay. One night she said I am kinda glad you stopped by I was bored. She then stated she was hungry so I cooked her some food and then she asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with her at her house. We went to her room and watched it as if everything was okay. Nothing happened but it seemed that things were coming together okay...at least in how she acted. Other than that we texted little during the day but when we did it was friendly and she was very responsive. The night she broke up she said I don't know what will happen in the future with us and we can still be friends. So I tried to be a friend basically during this time when we were "separated" but she was taking some time to make sure. We never changed out relationship status on Facebook. I waited several days before family and friends caught on. There however was still the hope everything would work out so why bother telling anyone. My ex's biggest problem (she had few) was she didn't communicate everything like I did and would let things build up by holding them in. So I was really blindsided by this situation. So the weekend came and went and she hung out with some friends and went to a local restaurant/bar (out of the party heavy stage). The person she went with was a girl she met through my mothers work who had the same profession and her fiance. I don't know them well so I don't know their intentions. However, that week I didn't really force anything but I didn't possibly give the space that I now know I should have given. At times I may have still acted like we were together through text, etc. I didn't absolutely smother her or feel like I pushed her farther away. If anything I felt good about things. Throughout the week I also had worked on me...working out, eating better, reuniting with friends, being less lazy, all the little things that I wanted to do for me. It was the guy she met and somewhere along the way I let a lot of those things go and became bitter at my self. Which in return came back on her somewhat. So I realized I have to be happy in order to make her happy. All of this had to happen I realized for me to see the problems and make the changes in me not just the relationship. I was very shocked at how simple some of the fixes were and how easy this could have been avoided. So I contacted her at the top of the week and we agreed to meet to talk. She recommended our favorite restaurant. I arrive moments before her. She gets out her car smiles, claims I look nice, and hugs me. She looked very happy so I am thinking she has decided to work this out. She then says lets sit in the car a second. So I am thinking maybe she wants to say everything is okay and that she wants this to be a fresh start when we go inside. However, she says I don't want this to go on any longer. I don't think we are right for each other and I think it's best we aren't together. You are a great person and you deserve something great. I just don't feel the same way I don't believe. She said I can't go on unhappy because that isn't fair to us. So I was shocked but not as before. Took it kind of tough...tried to talk it out and get answers of why...they didn't come. So I got out, she gave me the rest of my stuff that was in her trunk and I left. In the following days we texted a few times and it was mainly me trying to keep contact b/c I was so confused...this was my girlfriend and best friend the week before. So for the next several weeks I wrote a personal journal to her to explain how I saw the problems and how I planned to fix them. I said you can't believe someone just by words so I hoped this would help you see. I gave it to her a few weeks later (about 3 weeks after the break up) there had been no NO CONTACT in place...I didn't know. When I tried giving it to her she acted like it was a bad idea and that it wouldn't change anything. I said please just read it...it isn't suppose to change anything (even though it kinda was). She agreed to read it and took it. I left and she was like we have been doing good and I don't want you to be mad...I didn't realize that she had a wall up and anything I did wasn't gonna matter, it all came of clingy and desperate. I just didn't know at the time. I have done a ton of research since then and read some Ex back ebooks. After that and when I left I apologized for making it awkward if I did and said I respect her decision. So a week went by and I still continued my promise to work on my problem areas for me and kept a good routine. I focused on the things I had neglected and how I could be a better person for maybe her one day or whoever comes into my life. Since then I have only contacted her about three weeks ago. Her roomate (is my best friends g/f)...so you can imagine. I have probably put her in the middle too much for information. There were no sides but everyone thought we were the best couple and so shocked. One night after going out (trying to not be dormant) we pass their place and there is a truck outside her home. I call the roomate for answers...stupid I know. I had been doing good. So since I did that I know it got back to my ex. My ex had been clear there was no one else and she wasn't looking for anything. Outside people always said it sounds like there is someone else b/c this is so sudden. Once I realized that I was exposed on my "snooping". I sucked my pride up and called the next day...she always responds and answers when I call/text. I explained it was wrong to pry and that it was none of my business. I said it isn't going to be like that. She said it meant a lot because she was a little disapointed I did that. She said some of her girl friends were going to the restaurant/bar and invited her. She agreed and one of the girls b/f left his truck there...it was absolutely nothing at all...the mind can be a horrible thing. She was nice but still "cold" (showing no emotion either way). I asked if she read the journal...she said she has been reading over it b/c it is a lot to read. She said it wasn't going to change anything...etc. It all felt as if she has convinced her self to say whatever it takes to get her point across. She said she has no doubt we are going to be friends but not isn't the time to talk until I have time to heal. I soon after realized that I needed to look into the situation b/c I felt she couldn't have fallen out of love so fast that there is no fixing it. It wasn't like it had went on for years. Since then I have realized a lot. I have had NC for a while now and I am still focusing on bettering myself. I have already came along way. I have gotten off the lazy wagon...got back in church (somewhere she always wanted us to go together), working out, feeling more confident (something I lost with weight gain). I have focused on moving on and blocked where I cannot see her FB updates unless I go looking for them...sometimes I still do. I have realized I am doing this for me and what makes me happy. I have had a lot of time to think and I realize she is worth fighting for and I feel if handled correctly this can be fixed...I already have nothing to lose. Of course I want it to work out but I am also being realistic it wont. So I have a few questions and will make a few statement below. Reason for break-up: 1) Got in a routine...lost spark. 2) Stopped doing the little things that matter, going out, date night, etc. 3) Didn't appreciate her as much as I now realize I should. 4) Was bitter at myself (didn't realize it) and it reflected on our relationship...these were the reasons we didn't go out and have fun. I was not as confident or secure in myself like the past. 5) I didn't respect (not that I didn't agree) with some her wants and values. 6) Too critical at times with little patience. 7) Possibly my job security because she was completely independent when I wasn't. 8) Not giving her enough space...I would be at her house, etc. NOT Reasons: 1) Cheating 2) Lying 3) Attraction 4) Marriage/Children Talk. 5) Supposedly not finances. My plan now is to focus on me until the end of the month (should give her over a month of NC. I then plan to call and be casual yet short to feel her emotions out. She may contact me before then. I have read that I somehow need to show her that I agree the breakup was a the right call and I have accepted it. This will in turn show her that I am not there. However, I have been going and doing...my facebook is updated and I am open to meeting new people if that occurs. However, it is apparent I am moving on (even if I still have feelings). I don't know if she asks about me or etc. I do know she has asked her roommate before if I went to a certain event...and when she heard that I did she said good. I have made the guilty mistakes of begging, looking needy, calling her family (who are shocked and miss me). However, I just feel it is worth fighting for...as of now I want her back if I can. I know my feelings may change but this is basically asking on advice from the outside looking in. QUESTIONS: 1) Does it seem to far gone? Was too much damage done early. 2) Is it too late to start NC. 3) I hear that once a woman says they don't love you anymore that it is over. I feel that maybe that is how she thinks she feel and is sticking to it. However, I think this is salvageable. Not saying she has gave me any clues that she wants this to work. She hasn't called, etc. but I feel she needs time and she has a lot of time alone now. So I don't know if space will work. I don't know if I need to apologize for how I immediately handled it and agree we shouldn't be together, etc. Basically making her wonder why I am moving on. I am more committed than ever to be a better person for ME not just for her. She is the one however that showed these changes need to happen for whoever I am with. Some days I am fine, some angry, some depressed but I am keeping to the plan no matter how bad I want to just see what she is doing. So my intentions are pure and it was TRUE love that I want to regain. Any advice, questions, or words of wisdom would be awesome!
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