jojoqueen Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 In a nut shell.... 2 yrs ago I found an email from my spouse to a coworker talking about how the ''encounter'' that they had was fun, but that it could not continue. I was crushed, I lost all trust. 10 months after that incident, because I have no trust, I discovered how to find the trash on his phone, where I promptly found emails to a different coworker that were not work related, as a matter of fact, some of their conversation was about me. That led to a very short seperation, where we had agreed to keep trying, (I just recently celebrated my 23rd anniversary, I don't know what anniversary he celebrated). The day before our anniversary I was in what I call ocd mode.. where I check and recheck, that would include an old email account that he no longer uses. What I found there was shocking, it wasn't there before. I found proof of a relationship that he had with a different coworker 4 yrs ago. There was no name attached, it took him 5 days to tell me who it was, however, I was sure I knew anyway. It was with someone that he is now very good friends with, they are part of a running group made up of all coworkers. Am I wrong to be so upset over something that happened 4 yrs ago? After they decided to just be friends and be in group, they are good friends, I have met her, I thought she was nice, he has met her family, he must like them because he texts with her spouse. They both have taken her kids and mine on day hikes together. So weird to me how they could have relationship and then integrate to friends involving their families. I am so confused as to whether or not I should keep trying, how could I ever trust him again, we are in councelling. My problem is I do love him, I just dont trust him, I don't respect him anymore. Is it worth it to keep trying? will I ever trust him again?
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 What consequences did you impose on him? You said you separated for a short time...but then, what? Did you go to MC or IC? Did you demand ALL the details or a timeline of events? He didn't confess right? You discovered, yes? Does her spouse know of their encounters? I think your H has a problem having boundaries with co-workers. Even worse, he just expects you to lie down and accept it and not make any waves. That smells of doormat to me. Three times? I would confront her too. Tell her H. Unless he bears some hard consequences what is to prevent him from picking out his next prey from the work pool? How could you ever trust or respect a man who does not seem to respect you at all? 1
Author jojoqueen Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 This is where I am struggling, it doesnt' seem like he has any consequences, just me and our kids if I say anything. He thought that i was going to get IC, but i set it up for MC. He is going, he seems to be a whole different person now, but how can I know for sure. I found the information, he tried to lie about it until I showed him that I found and printed out the proof. So now I know he is a liar. It seems to me that he only admits to what I can prove. I confronted her, she said that they were just friends now, and was very sorry, but won't ask me to forgive her. I told her that I wouldn't tell her spouse because of how this has changed me, I have 'pain' all the time now, and I hate to put that on him, yet, I have guilt because I know that his wife is a sleaze and he doesnt'. I do feel like he want's me to just carry on and believe him when he says he learned from our seperation that he wants to be with me. Why should I believe it? Nothings changed for him, I won't ask him to quit his career, I won't ask him to quit his running group. I am not going to ''police'' his behaviour, I shouldn't have to.
BetrayedH Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 The OW's husband deserves to know. He deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to live what is ultimately the rest of his life. He doesn't need to be keeping his wife on a pedestal and her unremorseful ass needs to be knocked down from it. You would not be hurting her husband. He's already been stabbed in the back and his wife has just sufficiently doped him up so he doesn't know it. He will learn her character someday and you would be doing the ethically correct thing by telling him sooner rather than him finding out years down the road when he has unwittingly invested more into that sham of a relationship. Speaking for yourself, would you truly rather "not know" and keep living in the dark while he had more affairs? And the other woman's husband may have more info for you to be able to make your own decisions. As for your H, I don't see how you can ever have a real and healthy marriage if he's not honest. He's only telling you what you already know and obviously still hiding crap. The dishonesty is the real dealbreaker here. And if he suffers no consequences from lying, why would he change and what would make you trust that he did? 1
Spark1111 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 It is NOT your job to protect her H from pain she and your H caused! And as for that hiking group? He can find another tomorrow! I cannot imagine taking the kids together. Do you see how they both view this encounter as having so little consequence that they mingle the kids on trips? You cannot/should not be friends with xAPs. How disrespectful! I would tell your H that after giving it some thought, you may have to tell her H, Watch his reaction. 2
Furious Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 It is NOT your job to protect her H from pain she and your H caused! And as for that hiking group? He can find another tomorrow! I cannot imagine taking the kids together. Do you see how they both view this encounter as having so little consequence that they mingle the kids on trips? You cannot/should not be friends with xAPs. How disrespectful! I would tell your H that after giving it some thought, you may have to tell her H, Watch his reaction. Spot on Spark I would also tell this woman you plan to speak to her husband and show him copies of the proof to you have. It's shocking that even after you spoke to her she has the gall to think she can still be friends with your husband. Unbelievable! 1
Author jojoqueen Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 I have quilt about keeping what I know from her husband, I wish someone had told me years ago what kind of a sleaze my spouse was, however, as I am going to try and repair the damage that he has done with our relationship, I am very aware of how all of it has changed me, and also very aware of the fact that it is a daily dose of pain. I was thinking that if I could spare him the pain, maybe it was for the best? I was looking for things to prove my spouses actions because I didn't trust him anymore, if he has a reason to suspect, maybe he will find it like I did.
Spark1111 Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I have quilt about keeping what I know from her husband, I wish someone had told me years ago what kind of a sleaze my spouse was, however, as I am going to try and repair the damage that he has done with our relationship, I am very aware of how all of it has changed me, and also very aware of the fact that it is a daily dose of pain. I was thinking that if I could spare him the pain, maybe it was for the best? I was looking for things to prove my spouses actions because I didn't trust him anymore, if he has a reason to suspect, maybe he will find it like I did. You alone, nor should you try to, will not be able to repair the damage your H has done and continues to do you and your marriage. He has to be a willing participant too! And without some dire consequences to his actions, why oh why do you think he will change? Because he said so? A leopard will never change his spots unless forced to.
GLDheart Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Your husband is just a selfish a-hole. I'd like to say "was" a selfish a-hole but where is his understanding of his betrayel and harm he caused his family? If he thinks he didn't do any harm, I say kick him to the curb. However, If he is remorseful then it is up to you. Is love enough?
road Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I confronted her, she said that they were just friends now, and was very sorry, but won't ask me to forgive her. I told her that I wouldn't tell her spouse because of how this has changed me, I have 'pain' all the time now, and I hate to put that on him, yet, I have guilt because I know that his wife is a sleaze and he doesnt'. I do feel like he want's me to just carry on and believe him when he says he learned from our seperation that he wants to be with me. Why should I believe it? Nothings changed for him, I won't ask him to quit his career, I won't ask him to quit his running group. I am not going to ''police'' his behaviour, I shouldn't have to. You were wrong to promise the OW that you would not tell the OWH. You must tell the OWH. For multiple reasons. Also your WH must have NC with the OW. No more friendship and family outings. AND no more running club for your WH. Allowing continued contact between WH and OW only increases the chance that the affair will restart. If it hasn't already. With them being able to hide it better under the guise of an open friendship. 1
karnak Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I'm a guy. And I really think that all guys who cheat on their wives should have their balls cut. I'd deserve the same if I did that.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 One very simple question---WHAT IS IT YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR H.---Do you love the misery he has brought upon you, do you love the fact that there is no trust, Do you love the fact that your kids live in a spiked environment, that could spark into a fight at any time, and that there is always misery, and lack of trust around them, do you love listening to lies, do you love the visions you get at 3 a m or any other time you are alone---do you love the tears that pour from your eyes, do you love the fact that your carefree days are gone forever--do you love that you will never again have peace of mind---WHAT IS IT THAT YOU LOVE ABOUT HIM---enlighten me?????
Tallblueyed Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I found the information, he tried to lie about it until I showed him that I found and printed out the proof. It seems to me that he only admits to what I can prove. I am not going to ''police'' his behaviour, I shouldn't have to. You will have no choice but to police his actions - or make a conscience decision to live in ignorance. I have been there, and I tried to make everybody as comfortable as possible; three months later I felt like a worthless doormat. Don't fool yourself, you are underestimating how much this is going to effect you in the long run. Stand up for yourself and scream your pain from the top of the mountain. It is HIS responsibility to repair the damage that HE caused. I left my marriage, but it was after long deliberation; read a book, "After the Affair", highlight while you read, then give him the book and a different colored highlighter and tell him to read it.
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