How much time does it take for two people to be together to truly know them?

[NotaBadGuy]

I was wondering or just curious, how much time does it take for two people to be together to truly know them? I have been told it varies for different people. I do see a trend with the newness of a relationship and how good things go for the first 6-8 months and then the newness begins to wear off and the real person emerges. Maybe I am naive to this, I don't know.

 

And then there is the question of whether it is a good idea to live with the person to see how they are behind closed doors? I just see a lot of relatioships full of passion and desire in the beggining stages of the relationship, but once the newness wears off, then the relationship does not seem as intense as it once was. I know this is how it happens, but at what point can you tell there is something worth investing in and when it was fun while it lasted and move on?

 

I am mainly curious because I have been burned several times now after two long term relationships and waiting out the "honeymoon" phase to marry and then have the other side up and give up. I thought I knew who this person was for this very reason and only wound up standing and scratching my head wondering what had just hit me upside the head.

[HokeyReligions]

My rule of thumb was a year and a half to two years. I wanted to go through the seasons and holidays with someone twice.

 

People change over time and someone that you thought you knew for the last 15 years can seem suddenly changed, when what has really happened is that both of you changed slowly over time and one day you just woke up and saw it.

[thecake]

with Hokey...you need to date someone for a while before you get to really know them even that also isn't a guarantee that it will last forever. I dated my ex husband for over three years and we weren't married for very long. That's the scary thing about a relationship - the risk of opening up to a person and then having it not work out.

[dudesomewhere]

"I dated my ex husband for over three years and we weren't married for very long."

 

so was it shown that secrets were being withheld or someone wasn't open enough prior to marriage during that 3 years? How long were you married if you don't mind? Same amount of time or less than?

 

I was going to just blurt out 3 years myself...but that was a total random thing. If someone dated me they'd know me completely from 1 or 2 dates. Because I'd try to reveal all what with my no game playing thing.

 

also newness doesn't wear off with me...although I will grow tired of those who play games

 

It sucks that people have to change over time, at least MOST...why can't people be the same from age 12? Play video games!

[Matilda]

I really think it depends. With my 1st husband I knew him for 3 years before we got married, and I still didn't know him well enough to marry him. There were lots of things about him, that I found out after we were married. Although, I found them out from his family not him.

 

2nd husband I knew for 9 months, and we decided to get married, and are still married, happily, after 10 years.

 

I think it depends on how honest a person is with you, how well you know yourself, how many things a person has that they want to hide, and probably more things than that.

[thecake]

Actually, we dated 3 and half years and were married for a year and a half. I knew after the first month I'd made a huge mistake. We never lived together before we got married...he's a nice guy but he's also could be a total butt. He was older than me by a few years - more set in his ways - very controlling about certain things, etc. But, even more so I grew up during the time I knew him...had finished college...started working...when we were dating I really looked up to him because I liked how he was older and had his life together...seemed responsible...compared to the guys my age. Basically, I should have never married him...it just seemed like the next step...we kind of needed to get married to break up.

 

I don't recommend anyone getting married in their 20's...I think that is the decade when people change the most...when you're deciding what type of person you're going to be...what you want...etc. But, then given that we're always constantly "changing" it's all a crap shoot. I can look back and see how I've changed from before I was married to while I was married to after my divorce to now...it's scary and intriguing at the same time.

 

Some days having a relationship doesn't seem worth it to me...other days I can't wait to meet a guy who fits my personality and lifestyle.

[moimeme]

I do see a trend with the newness of a relationship and how good things go for the first 6-8 months and then the newness begins to wear off and the real person emerges.

 

I'd have to agree from personal knowledge and from reading. Theoretically, the 'love chemicals' will fade between 6 - 18 months but they seem to have dropped off around 6 and after in a lot of cases.

 

And then there is the question of whether it is a good idea to live with the person to see how they are behind closed doors?

 

Absolutely. But I don't think you should 'test-drive' everyone that way. I see living together as a stage of engagement. If you both want to marry, then's the time to live together. If there are any serious problems or flaws, they won't escape 24/7 scrutiny. Six months of living together should tell you everything you need to know about someone. So the ideal schedule, I figure, is getting to know someone (dating, spending time together, whatever you want to call it) quite well for 6 months minimum, if you both feel strongly that you want to marry, then move in together at a year - or maybe 8-9 months if you can't bear being apart (though usually by then people are spending most of their time at one's place anyway).

 

I know this is how it happens, but at what point can you tell there is something worth investing in and when it was fun while it lasted and move on?

 

My rule of thumb has always been the same as Monday's reasons for not leaving her spouse .... think of how you'd feel if the person died. If the thought crushes you, if it leaves your whole future looking bleak, then - well, clearly if it does, you'll be unlikely to want to leave that person anyway. The feelings that exist after the love-intoxication begins to wear off should be rich and deep and satisfying in their own way. However, if you're addicted to the 'highs' of infatuation, I suppose you may find the after phase 'boring'.

 

I am mainly curious because I have been burned several times now after two long term relationships and waiting out the "honeymoon" phase to marry and then have the other side up and give up. I thought I knew who this person was for this very reason and only wound up standing and scratching my head wondering what had just hit me upside the head