Women's response?

[NotCamelot]

Some of you know what I have been going through. Recovery and reconciliation has been going well. Though, much easier for my WS than for me. But that seems to be the way it goes.

 

I had an emotional A 2 years ago. My W had the PA a few months ago. 2 days ago, while talking, she made the statement that when she found out the things I had said to my AP, "it would not have mattered any more if you had F'd her. It was all the same to me."

 

My question is, is that the way the female mind sees things regarding an affair?

 

I ask because the emotional part of her A is painful but is not anywhere on the scale of the physical part. I really got over the emotional part, ILY and ILY too, etc., very easily. The physical is haunting me every minute of the day. I imagine that it will for a long, long time. Maybe forever.

[mercy]

I truly hope not forever. It would be a terrible place to be stuck in.

 

I have to say I agree with your wife. The talking, it drove me insane! Honest.

 

After a short time I was like, eh, on the sex. BUT the things he told her about me. I know it's just words but it was about me. I had no idea about her, she should know nothing about me. Period.

 

It didn't last long. It was the sex. But still they talked. I could, back then, get very unreasonable on that. h didn't understand it either.

 

Maybe because women are these emotional beings. I don't know.

 

I remember worrying about the words, such as, what would you (h) say to her. He was like, uh, not much. Well, it was that 'not much' that was too much.

 

When dd happened (she called to tell me) I couldn't believe all these personal details she knew about me.

 

It hurt the most.

[frozensprouts]

when my husband's affair was an emotional affair, it was horrible. When it became a physical affair, it was still painful, but somehow the emotional part was worse. i can't explain it, but that's how it was.

[FelicityShot]

My question is, is that the way the female mind sees things regarding an affair?

 

I ask because the emotional part of her A is painful but is not anywhere on the scale of the physical part. I really got over the emotional part, ILY and ILY too, etc., very easily. The physical is haunting me every minute of the day. I imagine that it will for a long, long time. Maybe forever.

 

I think there are mainly two parts to the pain a BS feels.

 

That of the betrayal

 

That of the possession

 

There are other things, such as confusion in your soul and/or ego, past hurts revisited and so on.

 

For me, if someone is emotionally connected to another there is really no point in feeling hurt. Well, there is no fighting here. It's in the heart and you cannot write how it will be in another's heart.

 

If they are with another in a PA or ONS, then they want some kind of sex they are not getting with you. This is something you can like and accept or not, depending on your own tendencies in this arena.

 

If they are doing both, then likely your R is royally effed, and why are you thinking about it?

 

It's sex. It's connection. It feels nice and it makes you feel alive.

 

Intimacy also makes you feel alive.

 

If you cannot bear to feel the idea of your partner feeling alive with another person, then I think there are a lot of questions to ask, and they are not the ones you have asked here.

 

Oh- and did you ask if it was the 'alive type' of PA? Sometimes it is just a connection for the sake of it - nothing passed and really it was a test.

Edited August 8, 2012 by FelicityShot

[road]

As plain as the nose on your face. Start with that women are from Venus and men are from Mars.

 

A women needs an emotional bond to have sex. Many women will put out for the OM because he is meeting her missing needs. As said in "The Silence of the Lambs" quid pro quo.

 

To keep getting her needs met by the OM a WW will give up sex. As you can see the sex is not seen as valuable to a WW.

 

Now a OM will gladly met his OW needs because he wants to get laid. The OM will give up anything he can to get sex. The man values getting sex.

 

So a women sees giving up sex to the OM as no where as important as emotional exchanges.

 

Men can easily get over an EA, or even in a PA where his WW told the OM that she loved him. Words hold less worth importance to the BH. What hurts the most is that the WW shared her body with the OM. To the BH his WW giving the OM her body was her giving the OM her most precious gift to the OM.

 

By the way I'm from Mars

Edited August 9, 2012 by road

[NotCamelot]

What hurts the most is that the WW shared her body with the OM. To the BH his WW giving the OM her body was her giving the OM her most precious gift to the OM.

 

Yes, that is 100% true. But she says, "It was just sex." Like it meant nothing.

When I was discovered, I kept getting the "I can't believe you said that to her."

 

I guess that is the hard part to understand. It would seem to me, as a man, that if I had been intimate it would have been worse. But she says it would make no difference. For me, if her A had only been emotional, it would have been out of my mind a few weeks/months later.

 

It is something I never thought about.

 

We were at a quite place out for dinner last night...talking afterward. And we were talking about random things including the affair. I told her then, "I always thought what I would do if my wife ever did that. I had many ideas, but you really don't know until it happens to you." She answered, "Yes, me too. And I am still here and I still want you." My reply, "Me too."

 

So, regardless of some rude comments that some feel they have to make, I appreciate your responses. I really want to know if this is the way all or most women feel about this type of thing.

 

To complicate things, ladies, if your H had a ONS, and you found out, would that be easier to get over than an EA?

[Furious]

Some of you know what I have been going through. Recovery and reconciliation has been going well. Though, much easier for my WS than for me. But that seems to be the way it goes.

 

I had an emotional A 2 years ago. My W had the PA a few months ago. 2 days ago, while talking, she made the statement that when she found out the things I had said to my AP, "it would not have mattered any more if you had F'd her. It was all the same to me."

 

My question is, is that the way the female mind sees things regarding an affair?

 

I ask because the emotional part of her A is painful but is not anywhere on the scale of the physical part. I really got over the emotional part, ILY and ILY too, etc., very easily. The physical is haunting me every minute of the

day. I imagine that it will for a long, long time. Maybe forever.

 

 

At first the emotional and physical part of my husband's affair were both equally painful for me.

 

Now, the emotional part of it doesn't faze me, they both lied to each other, both said what they thought they wanted to hear, it was very high school and rather cliche. The physical part of it still bothers me, not because he had sex with someone else but because it was something that may have potentially given me an STD, luckily for me that didn't happen.

 

Truthfully what hurts me the most are the lies, the deception... more than the actual affair.

[NotCamelot]

Truthfully what hurts me the most are the lies, the deception... more than the actual affair.

 

I asked her last night if she trusts me now. She thought for a minute, then replied, "Yes, I do trust you."

 

A few minutes later she asked if I trust her. My reply: "I am trying. But it is really hard. I will if things keep going like this. But not now, not completely."

 

She was silent for a minute and said, "I understand. It's OK. I will show you."

 

 

The lies and deception are bad. She sent me a text back on D-day that said, "How does it feel to have the one you thought would never hurt you rip your heart out?" That one sentence cut me to the bone. And it was not a lie.

[beenburned]

NC,

 

My H had 3 brief flings in the early years of our marriage before he got caught. He said it was all about having sex with different women.(no emotions)

 

It totally devastated me to know he was not committed to me or our marriage like I was.

 

After a short separation I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our young children.

 

When we resumed our sex life, I felt like his whole body was contaminated because it had been shared physically with other women. It took many years to get over this feeling and begin to fully enjoy him again.

 

I don't doubt the pain others feel when their spouses affairs are only EAs.

 

But , for me personally, I would have been better off if my H had NOT had sexual intercourse with other women.

 

If he had lusted after them without taking any kind of action, I would have been proud that he did not give into the temptation of committing adultery.

[NotCamelot]

If he had lusted after them without taking any kind of action, I would have been proud that he did not give into the temptation of committing adultery.

 

Yes, I agree, that would have been much easier to deal with.

 

My W's started out as EA and became a PA in 4 weeks. It was an old boyfriend from 25 years ago....that has a W in a PA with someone since last September.

 

And, we are still in the hysterical bonding phase, and as great as that is, when we are engaged in that, that is when the images hit my mind. That is really, really hard to deal with. She does not know this. I can't bring myself to tell her.

[Furious]

Yes, I agree, that would have been much easier to deal with.

 

My W's started out as EA and became a PA in 4 weeks. It was an old boyfriend from 25 years ago....that has a W in a PA with someone since last September.

 

And, we are still in the hysterical bonding phase, and as great as that is, when we are engaged in that, that is when the images hit my mind. That is really, really hard to deal with. She does not know this. I can't bring myself to tell her.

 

 

Why...what's stopping you from telling her how much the images hurt you?

[NotCamelot]

Why...what's stopping you from telling her how much the images hurt you?

 

Honestly, I don't know why I can't bring that up. It is probably related to that being the most painful memory of all.

[Furious]

Honestly, I don't know why I can't bring that up. It is probably related to that being the most painful memory of all.

 

 

I look at it this way, most people aren't virgins on their wedding night. Most people have had a few ,or more, relationships before they've ever met the one they fall in love with and marry. There are no mind movies when we think of our spouses with an ex-bf or ex-gf. I try to keep that thought in perspective when I think of my husband having been with another woman, she was just someone else from the past.

 

When I realized how cliche and ridiculous my husband's affair was, I didn't fight the mind movies, but rather I transformed the sex scenes and lame dialogue into one of those old black and white silent films with the jerky camera footage and over the top dramatic gestures of the actors accompanied by a lame piano music score.

 

Now the mind movies are less and far between, and I have to admit it cracks me up seeing it as an old silent film starring my husband wearing eye-liner.

[NotCamelot]

That is exactly what her advice has been. She said, you have to try to think of it as something that happened before we were together. The problem with that, for me, is we have been together for 22 years. Trying to make a recent memory seem 22 years old is tough. But that is exactly what I am trying to do.

[Spark1111]

I agree with BentNB and Furious....

 

If you had the chance to meet up with your EA partner, do you think you would have played cards all night?

 

The amount of time he invested into his relationship with her just about killed me! All that romance, conversation, attention, charm, effort into being "fun" and having fun....while I was dying of loneliness.

 

Imagine the relationship he could have had with me if he had devoted the same energy and time and charm and fun and respectful consideration into us!

 

But that did subside and all I was left with was all the time and energy he expended in lying and deceiving me on a daily basis.

 

There sex was intense, on the run and ultimately......very boring as he brought some of those moves home when still foggy.

 

Keep reading NC...the best sex is married sex in a loving relationship. When I think of it, I, like furious, see the backseat fumblings of adolescents.

 

Intense, but not truly intimate.

[beenburned]

Spark,

 

My H also brought home some new and different moves during sex.

 

When I asked where he learned that from, the answer was always "no where, just thought I would try different things". How dumb do they think we are when those moves have never occurred in the history of our marriage!

 

However, a few of them we have kept, as I really liked it!

[NotCamelot]

Spark,

 

My H also brought home some new and different moves during sex.

 

When I asked where he learned that from, the answer was always "no where, just thought I would try different things". How dumb do they think we are when those moves have never occurred in the history of our marriage!

 

However, a few of them we have kept, as I really liked it!

 

Yeah, I can identify with that. My W had a new oral technique. She did this a few weeks ago. At then end I asked where she got that from. Of course I got the "what?", "I've done that many times."..........But I shut up because I like it. So I got some benefit.....I want to think her answers are true.

[Spark1111]

Yeah, I can identify with that. My W had a new oral technique. She did this a few weeks ago. At then end I asked where she got that from. Of course I got the "what?", "I've done that many times."..........But I shut up because I like it. So I got some benefit.....I want to think her answers are true.

 

Well, in my sitch I think he said, did, whatever she wanted romantically to keep her desiring him sexually. That was the biggest boost to his male ego.....she cared and she wanted him.

 

So there you go...Mars and Venus built on a house of lies....that just went psssssst when it was exposed to the light of day.

 

Some people LOVE the forbidden aspect as they are rebelling against some childhood dynamic of a mean mommy or daddy unfairly projected on the spouse.

 

When it is no longer forbidden, it just ain't as intense or as much fun.

[Furious]

Well, in my sitch I think he said, did, whatever she wanted romantically to keep her desiring him sexually. That was the biggest boost to his male ego.....she cared and she wanted him.

 

So there you go...Mars and Venus built on a house of lies....that just went psssssst when it was exposed to the light of day.

 

Some people LOVE the forbidden aspect as they are rebelling against some childhood dynamic of a mean mommy or daddy unfairly projected on the spouse.

 

When it is no longer forbidden, it just ain't as intense or as much fun.

 

 

 

Funny, how when I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well in his new bachelor lifestyle he went into shock and pleaded for a second chance with me.

 

I told him he now can sext, text, to his hearts content, to bring the girlfriend over to our city, proudly introduce her to everyone he knows. No more need for secrecy, no more need for lying. I wouldn't dare stand in the way of true love, I even offered to pay for the wedding.

 

He dumped her so fast, she must still be bruised. I don't get it...it was so special...It still surprises me how broad daylight can kill an affair, I guess affairs are more like mushrooms that prefer the dark.

[Spark1111]

Funny, how when I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well in his new bachelor lifestyle he went into shock and pleaded for a second chance with me.

 

I told him he now can sext, text, to his hearts content, to bring the girlfriend over to our city, proudly introduce her to everyone he knows. No more need for secrecy, no more need for lying. I wouldn't dare stand in the way of true love, I even offered to pay for the wedding.

 

He dumped her so fast, she must still be bruised. I don't get it...it was so special...It still surprises me how broad daylight can kill an affair, I guess affairs are more like mushrooms that prefer the dark.

 

So true!

 

If a cheater has the courage to go to IC AND do the work, which is painful, they inevitably wind up back in their family of origin where there attachments styles and self-esteem are created or bashed.

 

And if mommy was mean or neglectful, or daddy was univolved or abusive, well, then there is no greater revenge or rebellion than having an affair on the spouse you have unfairly casted in the role of the parent who did not love you enough.

 

Obviously, very few get there or make the connection, but I think that is why so many experts in infidelity preach exposure and I agree with them.

[jnj express]

To many betrayed's an EA, is worse than a PA---in the EA---you give your heart away, you demonize your spouse, you talk about your mge, which should never be discussed with any outsiders, cept maybe a counselor------you may never ever see your EA, partner, but you think of them 24/7, you want them, and you put your spouse in the backround, and barely give them the respect they are due, as your spouse-------

 

PA, many times is just a ONS, or just a series of meetings to satisfy a physical need, or alleged physical need

 

Full on EA/PA, obviously is completely destructive

[mercy]

Funny, how when I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well in his new bachelor lifestyle he went into shock and pleaded for a second chance with me.

 

I told him he now can sext, text, to his hearts content, to bring the girlfriend over to our city, proudly introduce her to everyone he knows. No more need for secrecy, no more need for lying. I wouldn't dare stand in the way of true love, I even offered to pay for the wedding.

 

He dumped her so fast, she must still be bruised. I don't get it...it was so special...It still surprises me how broad daylight can kill an affair, I guess affairs are more like mushrooms that prefer the dark.

 

Maybe that's why hotel rooms are so dark. Mushrooms are in there.

 

It isn't very surprising that the light of day brings shame. Staying hid, secret, no one knows, no accountability. Light of day brings, omg what have I done.

 

It's as old as biblical times.

[frozensprouts]

Maybe that's why hotel rooms are so dark. Mushrooms are in there.

.

 

when I think of the way a betrayed spouse is cheated, it always puts me in min of a poster my dad used to have on the wall of his office It said " i must be a mushroom...everybody keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullsh@t"

 

( he was a professor of microbiology with a specialty in mycology- the study of fungi)

[HHC]

emotional, physical, it doesn't matter what label you put to it you both betrayed each other.

 

I'm curious as to why you're trying to belittle your ownership of your behaviour

[NotCamelot]

emotional, physical, it doesn't matter what label you put to it you both betrayed each other.

 

I'm curious as to why you're trying to belittle your ownership of your behaviour

 

You are missing the point of the original question. I am interested in the DIFFERENT way things are perceived in male and female points of view.

 

I am not trying to excuse either action....in no way. I just know, that in my male mind, a wife involved in a PA causes the male H worse pain than just an EA......turn that around, the wife of a H involved in a EA seems to be more hurt than if it had just been a PA.

 

At least that is what I get from all the reading I have done. I was in search of opinions about that.