I swear women can actually smell confidence or something

[Ruby Slippers]

Once I started having sex again regularly last year, after being single for most of the 3 years prior, I started getting way more attention again. It was like night and day. And I haven't looked back

[Anela]

It's funny

 

The first thing I thought of when I was writing this thread was "external validation"

 

A few weeks ago, I almost thanked someone for external validation (using those words).

[somedude81]

Oh, Wholigan. You do know that the 'all I need is one girl to start me off and my life will be perfect so I don't need to do anything but wait!' guys are going to be all over this post...

somedude81 was here!

 

I've been saying that for years.

 

Give me a GF or at least a somebody to date and mess around for a bit, and I'll turn into James Bond

 

It's almost like investing. With a surplus of money, you can invest it and get the chance to make even more money. But you need the surplus first in order to start. With no money, you have nothing to invest so your money can't grow. Of course getting a random check in the mail for $10,000 would certainly help get things started. All one has to do is invest it, instead of buying hookers and beer.

[ThaWholigan]

somedude81 was here!

 

I've been saying that for years.

 

Give me a GF or at least a somebody to date and mess around for a bit, and I'll turn into James Bond

 

It's almost like investing. With a surplus of money, you can invest it and get the chance to make even more money. But you need the surplus first in order to start. With no money, you have nothing to invest so your money can't grow. Of course getting a random check in the mail for $10,000 would certainly help get things started. All one has to do is invest it, instead of buying hookers and beer.

I understand that mindset, I used to have it until I discarded it long ago.

 

There is a difference in how we operate. Which is why I got this opportunity.

 

And it's not physical either.

[Els]

somedude81 was here!

 

I've been saying that for years.

 

Give me a GF or at least a somebody to date and mess around for a bit, and I'll turn into James Bond

 

It's almost like investing. With a surplus of money, you can invest it and get the chance to make even more money. But you need the surplus first in order to start. With no money, you have nothing to invest so your money can't grow. Of course getting a random check in the mail for $10,000 would certainly help get things started. All one has to do is invest it, instead of buying hookers and beer.

 

I tooooold you, Wholigan!

[ThaWholigan]

I tooooold you, Wholigan!

Yes, yes you did

[Els]

Hahahh. In all seriousness, though, I agree completely that there is truth to it. The unfortunate thing is that even though it's easier 'with' a bit of a confidence booster and experience, you still need to put effort into getting the first confidence booster. The investment analogy is actually an excellent one. Of course it's easier to make money when you have money. Heck, there are people working minimum wage for years just to save up enough for college, in countries where not everyone is entitled to student loans or even a place in a public university.

 

But that's just how life is. One can either sit around and wait for the $10,000 check in the mail... or they can go out and get it. Even though getting it would be painful and slow at min. wage, chances are it'd still be quicker than waiting for the check. And, more importantly, they'd learn something from it.

 

I did get a huge confidence boost from my first bf. Prior to that I thought I was ugly as all sin. I actually looked pretty decent, now that I look back at photos, but I couldn't see it. Deprecating relatives had not helped my self esteem about my looks in the least, and I internalized all the words. His words made me look at myself in a new light, and it's been forward going since then. Now I definitely don't look as objectively good as I did back then (I actually had a perfectly flat stomach! Christ! ), but I have way more confidence in myself.

 

But... and here's the huge 'but'. That guy didn't just drop into my lap. I had to take a huge step out of my comfort zone. To understand how big it was, you need to understand my situation back then. I was fresh out of high school, and I'd only had a few groups of friends in the past, all people I knew very well, and my outings with them closely supervised by my very protective parents. I'd been raised to be very dependent. I'd never spent a single night outside the care of my parents, or at least relatives. But I knew, deep within me, that something had to change.

 

I chose a college sufficiently far away from home that I would absolutely need to move out and live on my own. I cried the first night my parents dropped me off, and they cried too. I'd never been alone before in my entire life. It was terrifying.

 

I was invited by an acquaintance in my class to hang out with a whole bunch of people whom I'd never met before. Again, to someone with my lack of social experience and skills, terrifying. But I accepted. And kept on going, the next day and the next and so on. It was awkward, really. I made a lot of gaffes and blunders. I stepped into situations that I'd never imagined stepping into before. I met plenty of new people, made plenty of mistakes, but most importantly, learnt plenty of new things. As I stepped further and further outside my comfort zone, I realized something: It was getting easier. And... it was all worth it.

 

Some time after that, a mutual friend introduced my first bf to me, but it had all started going uphill already before that. That just helped things along.

 

The things I did may seem small to some of you - and they probably are. But the key thing is: They didn't seem small to me then. They seemed almost insurmountable.

 

TL;DR: Get out of your comfort zone already.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Elswyth

[somedude81]

I understand that mindset, I used to have it until I discarded it long ago.

 

There is a difference in how we operate. Which is why I got this opportunity.

 

And it's not physical either.

Tell me Wholigan. Why did you make this thread? What were you thinking about?

 

Also how can you discard a mindset when you are living it right now? You feel a boost correct?

 

And no, your "mindset" has nothing to do with you getting an opportunity. That is unless you can explain how it has.

 

I tooooold you, Wholigan!

That's what happens when you summon me

[Imajerk17]

Tell me Wholigan. Why did you make this thread? What were you thinking about?

 

Also how can you discard a mindset when you are living it right now? You feel a boost correct?

 

And no, your "mindset" has nothing to do with you getting an opportunity. That is unless you can explain how it has.

 

 

That's what happens when you summon me

 

If you spent as much time approaching women on your campus, doing online dating, and so on, as you do writing post after post after long long post, you would have gotten yourself an opportunity a long time ago.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Imajerk17

[ThaWholigan]

Tell me Wholigan. Why did you make this thread? What were you thinking about?

 

I made the thread because it was startling how much I became aware of the interest I was garnering, and whether it was simply more than before, or whether it was related to the fact that I had now become more switched on to the possibility of more girls being into me.

 

Also how can you discard a mindset when you are living it right now? You feel a boost correct?

 

I don't "feel" a boost, no. Like I said in the OP, I didn't feel much different than before I got laid. The difference is in my perception, which has become somewhat more attuned to the interest of the opposite sex, something which I thought had already reached a pretty high level. You live and learn, as they say.

 

But in order to even get to that position, I had to discard the mindset that "once I get a GF/lose my virginity then everything will be fine". Because, ironically, it is that very mindset that will hinder you. I just got on with it without pinning the same importance on it that you do.

 

And no, your "mindset" has nothing to do with you getting an opportunity. That is unless you can explain how it has.

 

I've been explaining it for eons. My mindset causes me to get these opportunities because I put myself into positions to take those opportunities. The one I took was the one I wasn't even expecting, but I still could have messed it up. I rolled along with the banter, the sex/dirty talk, and finally sealing the meet-up.

 

My mindset is basically not one of "I need a GF/lay then I'll be fine", it's one of "I'll be fine regardless".

[Gulf-Delta]

My confidence has been shattered since my ex left and I seem to get a lot of looks and flirting with cute girls.

 

Either I'm delusional, or I'm a really good actor, or these girls are crazy

[2.50 a gallon]

Quite simply when your attitude changes towards the postive, whether you realize it or not you begin to do things that shows off your confidence, such as head up and looking them in the eye, instead of looking at the ground, perhaps a little bounce in your step, and an air of confidence when you speak. For example talking to the teeny bobber and the mature woman, instead of getting tongue tied.

 

These are all things women pick up on

[betterdeal]

A flood of pheromones, a twinkle in your eye and an FFG.

 

What's *not* to notice?

[somedude81]

Hahahh. In all seriousness, though, I agree completely that there is truth to it. The unfortunate thing is that even though it's easier 'with' a bit of a confidence booster and experience, you still need to put effort into getting the first confidence booster. The investment analogy is actually an excellent one. Of course it's easier to make money when you have money. Heck, there are people working minimum wage for years just to save up enough for college, in countries where not everyone is entitled to student loans or even a place in a public university.

 

But that's just how life is. One can either sit around and wait for the $10,000 check in the mail... or they can go out and get it. Even though getting it would be painful and slow at min. wage, chances are it'd still be quicker than waiting for the check. And, more importantly, they'd learn something from it.

Who said anything about waiting around?

 

I'll use my mom as an example. She worked hard all her life but never made any real money. Then her father died, his house was sold then she got half a million dollars. Now all sorts of doors are open to her that weren't before. Technically speaking, she did nothing to earn that money even if she was putting in the work, simply because the works she was doing, was only enough for her to get by.

 

It's kind of the same thing with me. I have been trying to get a girlfriend but the way I was going at it wasn't going to get me any results. I need some kind of game changer.

 

I did get a huge confidence boost from my first bf. Prior to that I thought I was ugly as all sin. I actually looked pretty decent, now that I look back at photos, but I couldn't see it. Deprecating relatives had not helped my self esteem about my looks in the least, and I internalized all the words. His words made me look at myself in a new light, and it's been forward going since then. Now I definitely don't look as objectively good as I did back then (I actually had a perfectly flat stomach! Christ! ), but I have way more confidence in myself.

Wow, I completely understand with what you are saying. You thought you were ugly until you got a boyfriend, which proved that you weren't and then you mentioned his words, which gave you an ever bigger boost.

 

In all honest I have no idea if I'm good looking or not. A few women who have seen my picture or skyped with, said that I was cute or handsome, but I have never heard anything like that from anybody in real life and girls always turn me down. My guess is that I look good in 2D but horrible in 3D. Also, if you only see a picture of a person you can't get a real sense of how tall they are. So it's probably not enough that I'm kinda cute.

 

So I'm going through life without that confidence boost and needless to say, things have been pretty difficult.

But... and here's the huge 'but'. That guy didn't just drop into my lap. I had to take a huge step out of my comfort zone. To understand how big it was, you need to understand my situation back then. I was fresh out of high school, and I'd only had a few groups of friends in the past, all people I knew very well, and my outings with them closely supervised by my very protective parents. I'd been raised to be very dependent. I'd never spent a single night outside the care of my parents, or at least relatives. But I knew, deep within me, that something had to change.

 

I chose a college sufficiently far away from home that I would absolutely need to move out and live on my own. I cried the first night my parents dropped me off, and they cried too. I'd never been alone before in my entire life. It was terrifying.

 

I was invited by an acquaintance in my class to hang out with a whole bunch of people whom I'd never met before. Again, to someone with my lack of social experience and skills, terrifying. But I accepted. And kept on going, the next day and the next and so on. It was awkward, really. I made a lot of gaffes and blunders. I stepped into situations that I'd never imagined stepping into before. I met plenty of new people, made plenty of mistakes, but most importantly, learnt plenty of new things. As I stepped further and further outside my comfort zone, I realized something: It was getting easier. And... it was all worth it.

 

Some time after that, a mutual friend introduced my first bf to me, but it had all started going uphill already before that. That just helped things along.

 

The things I did may seem small to some of you - and they probably are. But the key thing is: They didn't seem small to me then. They seemed almost insurmountable.

 

TL;DR: Get out of your comfort zone already.

That's a great story. And I see that you improved. I've seen having very overprotective parents before in Asian girls.

 

As for your TL;DR, uh I've done that already.

 

I wasn't born in SoCal, all my family and friends (I used to have) is in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is about a 7 hour drive from where I am now. I didn't know anybody. So I did the exact same thing you did.

 

But there is one major difference...

 

"I was invited by an acquaintance in my class to hang out with a whole bunch of people whom I'd never met before."

 

I've been down here for about four years and nobody has invited me to do anything with them. Everybody I ever hung out with, I invited them. I was always the initiator. Now that I look back, I have made several friends and acquaintance over the years, but they're all gone and I'm back to zero. It's a sad thought.

 

BTW, I've also done some things to go way out of my comfort zone to meet women, but they've never worked.

[El Brujo]

Ever since last week, I expected to feel like I normally do after I finally did it, and sure enough I do. However, something weird is happening. I seem to be more noticed by women now these days, even though I'm actually not trying to be noticed at the moment. Maybe there is the air of a man who has been laid recently or not, I don't know, but I'm getting more looks than ever from women - even much older than myself. Even those who are with their boyfriends, who gave me a few dirty looks too .

 

I'm not even at my best physically (yet) so it's funny to me that I got all this attention even up to today when I was shopping earlier.

 

Is all it takes one mutual sexual encounter to have a boost so significant that women can't help but notice you?? Or is it that I have actually become even more confident in myself since the incident and not completely been conscious of the change?

 

I just ignore 'em.

 

My quality of life is better for it.

[Els]

Who said anything about waiting around?

 

I'll use my mom as an example. She worked hard all her life but never made any real money. Then her father died, his house was sold then she got half a million dollars. Now all sorts of doors are open to her that weren't before. Technically speaking, she did nothing to earn that money even if she was putting in the work, simply because the works she was doing, was only enough for her to get by.

 

In a way, yes. But if she'd not worked and just lived off the family, perhaps she would not have gotten such a hefty sum in his will because he might have wanted to teach her a lesson to be independent? Or she might have given up one day, said 'I'll never make anything out of life', just as you are always saying you would. Then she wouldn't even have been there to receive the money. Just as we open doors to opportunities for ourselves with our choices, we also close doors.

 

In all honest I have no idea if I'm good looking or not. A few women who have seen my picture or skyped with, said that I was cute or handsome, but I have never heard anything like that from anybody in real life and girls always turn me down. My guess is that I look good in 2D but horrible in 3D. Also, if you only see a picture of a person you can't get a real sense of how tall they are. So it's probably not enough that I'm kinda cute.

 

This does make me sad. I wish it were part of social culture to tell guys that they looked good. I know girls do it a lot for other girls, but it seems kinda 'gay' for guys to say that to another guy, huh? I would have happily told the guys with low self esteem that I think they look fine, but they'd probably misinterpret that.

 

That's a great story. And I see that you improved. I've seen having very overprotective parents before in Asian girls.

 

Oh, yes. I'm not the worst of it. It's not jut the girls either. A male friend of mine is 30, lives with his parents and has a midnight curfew...

 

As for your TL;DR, uh I've done that already.

 

I wasn't born in SoCal, all my family and friends (I used to have) is in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is about a 7 hour drive from where I am now. I didn't know anybody. So I did the exact same thing you did.

 

But there is one major difference...

 

"I was invited by an acquaintance in my class to hang out with a whole bunch of people whom I'd never met before."

 

I've been down here for about four years and nobody has invited me to do anything with them. Everybody I ever hung out with, I invited them. I was always the initiator. Now that I look back, I have made several friends and acquaintance over the years, but they're all gone and I'm back to zero. It's a sad thought.

 

BTW, I've also done some things to go way out of my comfort zone to meet women, but they've never worked.

 

I think the key thing here is that you can't let failures stop you from trying. It's great that you took the initiative to go out and make friends after moving. When I moved countries a couple years ago, it was insanely hard to make a new social base, so I empathize with that. I've gone 'back to zero' plenty of times in my life, though - went to about 3 different schools, college, moved to a new country, went to a new university for graduate studies, and now I'll be moving to a new city soon. It sucks, but it happens, mostly. Just gotta make the best of it and keep going.

[Quiet Storm]

Yes.

 

Men get a little pep in their step and some glide in their stride after they get laid.

 

I saw it firsthand with my 16 YO son. One day he was walking different. He seemed more sure of himself. I mentioned it to my husband who said "I bet he got some".

 

A quick look at his text messages told the tale.

[Ross MwcFan]

What do you mean by getting looks though? Just women making eye contact with you? Catching women staring at you? Or something else?

[betterdeal]

Yes.

 

Men get a little pep in their step and some glide in their stride after they get laid.

 

I saw it firsthand with my 16 YO son. One day he was walking different. He seemed more sure of himself. I mentioned it to my husband who said "I bet he got some".

 

A quick look at his text messages told the tale.

 

And the moral of the story is, put a screen lock on your phone or your mum will be perving through your txts.