tallydoo Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 So the ex and I have our (second) first date tomorrow. I just wanted to post this little bit of happy news so that people can see that it could happen, if the circumstances are right. Questions and advice are, of course, welcome. A little bit of past history: -we broke up a few months ago (I was dumped) -we tried to be friends for a while, but I initiated NC for 5-6 weeks because I wasn't healing -we've been in friendly contact for about a month -my ex showed up on my door a week ago and said, "I want to date again." We're taking it extremely slowly and cautiously, because there's a huge temptation to just blow full-steam ahead. But I think we'll be all right, at least for now. I'm not sure what other information to provide, so feel free to ask if you need to. 1
notsure252 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Are you a girl or guy? How old are you two? How long was your relationship? Why did you guys break up? What do you feel helped make it that you guys got back together? What's your best advice for people that want to get back together with their ex's?
Xestenz Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Wow! Quite a story, and all too rare it would seem. I think the typical advice you will get here is 'take it slow', 'don't talk about the past relationship until later, 'allow her to chase and work to get you back', and 'don't appear too anxious or willing'. I'm curious though -- what was the initial cause for the breakup? Also, who initiated contact again following your period of NC? I wish the best of luck to the both of you!
Author tallydoo Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Are you a girl or guy? How old are you two? How long was your relationship? Why did you guys break up? What do you feel helped make it that you guys got back together? What's your best advice for people that want to get back together with their ex's? 1) I'm a girl. 2) We're in our early-mid twenties. 3) We broke up just shy of a year together. 4) Neither of us are really sure; there were a lot of little things that led to a breakdown in communication/us getting into a rut, so to speak, and he just started to worry that we weren't going to work out, plus there was a lot of external stress going on in his life. 5) We had a relatively calm and amicable breakup, and I took the space I needed to heal and made the best out of it--I got back my happiness and my confidence, and then when he saw me for the first time after my period of NC, I was really able to be genuinely happy around him. 6) Definitely take the space you need to heal. If the connection was there, it'll still be there later. Healing is a huge key to getting back together. Sure, your ex left this big hole in your life, but he/she doesn't fit there anymore, so if you want to try again, you have to patch that hole up first and sort of make them a new place in your heart if and when you get back together. Wow! Quite a story, and all too rare it would seem. I think the typical advice you will get here is 'take it slow', 'don't talk about the past relationship until later, 'allow her to chase and work to get you back', and 'don't appear too anxious or willing'. I'm curious though -- what was the initial cause for the breakup? Also, who initiated contact again following your period of NC? I wish the best of luck to the both of you! That's why I thought I would post--this board is more about getting a second chance than what to do if it happens. We're taking it extremely slow, probably slower than we would if we didn't have this history, and we're being very intentional about it. Our past relationship had a lot of spontaneity (read: a lot of unplanned/thrown-together dates) because of the nature of our schedules, and now we're taking the time to really plan our dates. The past relationship, though, was one of the first things that we talked about. I wanted to know what, in his mind, went wrong and why that wasn't going to happen again--I didn't see any point in trying again if the same exact thing was just going to happen. And he's definitely pursuing--if you check my past threads, he's been kind of dancing around me since we've been back in contact, and I was starting to get frustrated and wonder if I should just bring it up. But I waited, and lo and behold he showed up at my door and said, "I want to date again." Neither of us are really sure what the root reason was for the breakup--there was a lot of stress and an emotional wall between us as a result of certain circumstances, so our relationship kind of just stalled, and that really concerned him. I thought we could just work at it and get it moving again, but he just wanted out at that point. I initiated contact again because I was the one who asked for it, and he was completely respectful of it for the month and a half that it lasted. Thank you!! 2
hudson701 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Was it strict NC during those 6 weeks? No fb, deletion of numbers etc? Who initiated first contact again? I'm 5 weeks into proper NC and I'm really missing my ex (I was dumped). She said she 'didn't know who she was anymore' WTF does that mean- I just wanna party a single promiscuous lifestyle again?
hudson701 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Also, did any of you date, kiss other people during the period of NC?
Author tallydoo Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 We had to see each other for several parties (lots of mutual friends) and so we'd have light exchanges that I kept extremely brief--pretty much no more than "Hi, how are you, that's great, I'll catch up with you later." So I walked a very fine line between being friendly but not being friends in person. We never talked on Facebook--I never even checked his--and no texting or phone calls, so yes, it was strict NC. I just never felt the need to delete his number or Facebook. I reached out when I felt like I could handle any sort of contact back from him. I had a few dates, and he dated someone for about 2 months. I'm sorry that you're missing your ex. It gets hard, but I liked to think of it as delayed gratification--yes, I could break it whenever I wanted to, but if I waited until the best possible time (when I could handle him not replying, replying dismissively, being friendly, or replying with a huge outpouring of love and emotion) it would be so much sweeter. We were also broken up for a few months before I initiated NC, so I had some time to get over the initial pain as well. It's really easy to want to rationalize the breakup, but the only thing that matters is that they're not there anymore. Once you really grasp that, it's actually somewhat freeing.
hudson701 Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 During the Dating I guess there was kissing and sex? I guess it was needed to confirm your ex was the right one? Excellent advice so far, thanks!
Author tallydoo Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 I didn't get terribly physical with anyone that I dated--I need an emotional connection before I can get physically attracted beyond the appreciation stage--and I didn't care to know what he got up to while we were apart (I know he didn't have sex with her). As long as it's over, it doesn't really matter to me. But the dating was extremely helpful. It helped me figure out what I can conceivably expect and contribute in a relationship, and I felt like it helped me grow as a person at the very least.
Stanza Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Thought I'd already posted but seems not. Brilliant that you've shared your story. So gives hope.
Author tallydoo Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 How did the date go? It went really well, thanks! We kept it really light and fun, and tried to focus on just being with each other. Around the end of the date we got a little more serious to discuss how things went and if we wanted to keep going. We have another one this week.
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