superstaroxox Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 How do you let go of someone you love so much? This guy is my first serious relationship, my first everything. Now we've broken up and I'm heartbroken and lost. He's done such horrible things to me and I know I deserve so much better. But I put him over even myself and just want him in my arms sometimes! He is now begging for me back and even though I know deep down in my heart that he will never change, I am fighting with myself to go back! I don't want to go back but it's so hard to just cut him out of my life completely! I want to call him but it just causes me so much stress because he is so unhealthy for me! I know he loves me but I know the love he gives will only be half-way, especially since I keep putting up with his bad treatment....how can I move on and learn to love myself above him?
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Keep reading this post - and read it as if you were a stranger - what would you say to this girl? Consider how foolish she would be, how masochistic, what a sucker for punishment she would be, if she actually lowered herself to go back to somebody who keeps kicking her down, and then kicking her once she's down. His neediness is purely self-validation. He's clicking his fingers (albeit in a guilt-provoking way) to see whether the little miss(treated puppy) will go scampering back. Would a dog go back so eagerly to one who wields a stick? I think not....
Author superstaroxox Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Keep reading this post - and read it as if you were a stranger - what would you say to this girl? Consider how foolish she would be, how masochistic, what a sucker for punishment she would be, if she actually lowered herself to go back to somebody who keeps kicking her down, and then kicking her once she's down. His neediness is purely self-validation. He's clicking his fingers (albeit in a guilt-provoking way) to see whether the little miss(treated puppy) will go scampering back. Would a dog go back so eagerly to one who wields a stick? I think not.... You're so right. I know all this and I know I've done no wrong. But as soon as he starts begging for me back, telling me that I have done just as much as he has, promising me a better future, I start to wonder: is he right? does he really love me? did I really contribute just as much as he did to our downfall? if I go back and just take all of this, will it be different? and if I really love him, wouldn't I show it? But I keep showing it and feel I keep getting hurt. He wants me back while he is leading this destructive lifestyle and hasen't shown me that he has changed one bit. He keeps telling me the only reason he's leading this lifestyle is because he doesn't have me and he needs me to be happy. But isn't that manipulative on his part? If he really loved me, wouldn't he show me with actions? He was a better person when we were together, but definately not the best. But there was times where he treated me with so much love and affection! I keep going back to the times he would take care of me when I was sick and tell me I was his soul mate. I just don't understand anything anymore. I have a whole thread on the abuse forum of his bad treatment. But yet I still look past it all and somehow blame myself..
TaraMaiden Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 You're so right. I know all this and I know I've done no wrong. But as soon as he starts begging for me back, telling me that I have done just as much as he has, promising me a better future, I start to wonder: is he right? does he really love me? did I really contribute just as much as he did to our downfall? if I go back and just take all of this, will it be different? and if I really love him, wouldn't I show it? But I keep showing it and feel I keep getting hurt. He wants me back while he is leading this destructive lifestyle and hasen't shown me that he has changed one bit. And he never will... why should he? If all he has to do is play the wounded little soldier and whimper at you, for you to come back, why should he make any effort, when you classically show him by going back, that he doesn't need to...? He keeps telling me the only reason he's leading this lifestyle is because he doesn't have me and he needs me to be happy. But isn't that manipulative on his part? Got it in one, sister. He's projecting the blame for his lack of change, onto your shoulders. It's all your fault he's still like this, not his. He won't 'own' what is his responsibility to accept - so yes, he is manipulating you. Big time. If he really loved me, wouldn't he show me with actions? If he had an ounce, a gram of decency, he would show his love by working on himself and changing. Oh, guaranteed should you go back, he would keep it up for a short, brief period - then he'd revert. He would have you right where he wanted you, with your consent. Good enough! no more effort required - the little sucker for punishment came back! He was a better person when we were together, but definately not the best. But there was times where he treated me with so much love and affection! I keep going back to the times he would take care of me when I was sick and tell me I was his soul mate. I just don't understand anything anymore. I have a whole thread on the abuse forum of his bad treatment. But yet I still look past it all and somehow blame myself.. Why? What for? Be exact, be precise, be detailed, and explain what exactly lies at your feet as blame.
Author superstaroxox Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 Why? What for? Be exact, be precise, be detailed, and explain what exactly lies at your feet as blame. I feel as though I'm being too harsh. He changed so much of himself and his life for me when we were together. Everyone said that I brought out the very best in him. In reality he was far from perfect but I guess I feel I should just be thankful he tried. I feel like I can't expect him to be perfect because he is so completely disfunctional. His parents gave him the most horrible childhood and he was so messed up from it. I guess I just feel that I'm overreacting. But when I tell people about the treatment I received, they are pretty horrified. But then I think of all the good times we did have and all the times he did show me love. What's wrong with me? I feel I am putting myself at the very bottom, basically just saying "hey whatever I deserve it." I do not want to be like that to myself! I appreciate your responses so much. They are extremely helpful.
AnchordHeart Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Would a dog go back so eagerly to one who wields a stick? Please read that over and over.
TaraMaiden Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 I feel as though I'm being too harsh. He changed so much of himself and his life for me when we were together. Everyone said that I brought out the very best in him. In reality he was far from perfect but I guess I feel I should just be thankful he tried. I feel like I can't expect him to be perfect because he is so completely disfunctional. His parents gave him the most horrible childhood and he was so messed up from it. I guess I just feel that I'm overreacting. But when I tell people about the treatment I received, they are pretty horrified. But then I think of all the good times we did have and all the times he did show me love. What's wrong with me? I feel I am putting myself at the very bottom, basically just saying "hey whatever I deserve it." I do not want to be like that to myself! I appreciate your responses so much. They are extremely helpful. If I were to tell you the things that happened to me as a youngster, at the hands of others, you would sit back and wonder how I could even type these words - but - the part in bolded-underline? IT'S ON HIM. What he is doing, is utilising the past as a crutch, support and excuse for what he is, and does, today. this is the best, sure-fire way of preventing forward movement. He may not be aware he's doing it, but unless he's in counselling - specifically to learn ways to avoid doing that - then he will always play his victim card to keep you on a tight leash. What he was "yesterday" - what he went through, experienced and what affected him - is NOT the person he is today. He can choose - or otherwise - whatever mindset he chooses to be in. but he may well need professional help to see him through it. YOU ARE NOT HIS THERAPIST. And there is nothing, written anywhere on this planet, or implied anywhere by anyone - that you should be. you're neither practically nor emotionally equipped to be that, for him. It could be said that perhaps you may need some counselling yourself. Because you can't fix him, and you're not responsible for his being fixed, or him fixing himself. HE is responsible for that. Not You. And in your fragile state, there is no way you can actually be of any use to him right now - because you are both ENABLING each other's problems. My only suggestion to you would be to go this way: Give him every opportunity to go to - or carry on with - therapy. Tell him he has to stop subconsciously behaving in a way that validates his past. That's what he has to seek his therapist' assistance, with. You do likewise. Get therapy to stop you lowering your position to guilty doormat. Agree to touch base in 6 months. Stay out of any relationships until then, and go complete NO CONTACT. THEN - compare notes.
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