lamaga Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Ok guys, little backstory first. My boyfriend and me have known each other for about 14 months now. We met last summer in NYC, but didn't really hang out, until he moved back to his home city across the ocean. We are both European and should have known better to connect when we had the time. We then started talking online earlier this year and in March we started 'dating', kind of like a virtual long distance relationship. It was weird, because we knew each other but never been physically together. So we did that long distance thing for 3,5 long months (the longest 3,5 months of my life), and it was especially tough on him. We are madly in love, you must know. We met mid-June in Europe and have spent every day together since. We got to know each other physically, fell in love more, and are very happy to finally be together. Things have moved pretty fast, not to my liking. He met my parents, I met his parents and his friends etc. Its all good, I get along with everybody and we are very happy. He said he wanted me to move in with him in his Apartment once I finish school in NYC (I finish February 2013 and wanted to move back to Europe then). However, I was a bit scared of that and wasn't sure if I should do that because I didn't know where our relationship would be going. Now after spending some time here I changed my mind and decided to bring it up again. I told him I wanted to apply for University in his city and move in with him in February. NOW he says he thinks it is better if we wait a few years, and if we both have our own place. I am confused. Why did he change his mind? He says he loves me more than ever and wants to build a life with me. We share a lot of the same dreams. I just don't understand why he was all enthusiastic about it at first, kinda like it was HIS idea, not mine, HE encouraged me to start making these kind of future plans. Now he throws them out of the window, I am not so sure anymore if I want to move to his city after all. What should I do? Does anyone have some advice? Oh, to make it clear, he is from Amsterdam, I am from Berlin. I didn't feel like going back to Berlin yet (I lived in NYC for 3 years), and I looked forward to Amsterdam a lot.
MCMLXXXIX Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Did you actually ask him why he changed his mind? It might also have to do with other things than you. LDRs create a lot of unnecessary tensions. If you want to move back to Europe, do it. Living in a different apartment won't necessarily harm your relationship. It is however strange that he would go from saying "now" to suggesting "in a few years".
cerridwen Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) I am confused. Why did he change his mind? He says he loves me more than ever and wants to build a life with me. We share a lot of the same dreams. I just don't understand why he was all enthusiastic about it at first, kinda like it was HIS idea, not mine, HE encouraged me to start making these kind of future plans. Now he throws them out of the window, I am not so sure anymore if I want to move to his city after all. What should I do? I advise asking him why the change of heart. You can confess confusion but approach him with a genuine willingness to listen and understand where he's coming from. You can even go as far as to say that very thing. Try something like "Boyfriend, I hoped we could talk about the change of plans. I'm a little confused and want understand. What are you feeling that's led to the idea that it's better to wait years to live together?" We could speculate his reasons but why when the horse's mouth is right there? I don't think it's particularly helpful to assume it's someone else / cold feet / waning feelings, so on. It often leads to unnecessary stress and heartache. His reasons could be very solid and practical and have nothing to do with his love for you. Ask. And good luck. Edited August 9, 2012 by cerridwen
plethora Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Maybe he just doesn't want the pressure of you living there and going to university there JUST for him, in case it doesn't work out with you two, you hate the uni, or the city etc. Going from LDR to living together is a big step, and moving to a diff place for uni is a big step also. Just ask him.
Recommended Posts