Mary Oak Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Today has been five weeks since my break-up. We were together for 7 years. We still talk everyday (we work together) and we talk a lot about what went wrong in our relationship, and how we could make things different. I have realized that I have emotionally abused her by trying to control her. I have read a dozen book and go to counseling, so I see the many ways I can treat her like she deserves to be treated. She says she wants us to work, but she has so much resentment and anger about the past. So, yesterday, I asked her to share her pain and resentment with me. I wanted to hear it and she needed to get it out. It was hard hearing, but I needed to hear it. SHe went home last night and it opened a lot of wounds, and she had a really emotional night, being mad, sad, hurt. SHe said she wanted to call and scream at me but she felt it is something she needed to do alone. She said is was so hard. It hurts me that she hurts. SHe knows I want her back, that I love her, and that I would make life better by letting her be her own person. SHe just always says she doesn't know if it will work out with us. I am grateful that we still have what we do, and at times, I feel closer to her than ever, because we communicate so well now. I feel keeping the communication open is the key to working things out. SHe doesn't want to see each other outside of work right now because she is scared we will fall back into our own ways. SHe says it is not her feelings for me that she is trying to figure out, she says she is trying to heal from the pain and resentment. Not sure really what the question is here, but it hurts to see and talk to her everyday and she not know if she can do this. BUt, it hurts even more to not see and talk to her. Do I just need to be patient with her, validate her feelings, and continue to work on me? I don't want to date anyone else. SHe has no interest even hanging out with friends right now. I want her back so much. I do believe she is my soul mate. Any thoughts?
Author Mary Oak Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 ANy words of wisdom? Thoughts? Should I just let go?
Canadian731 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 First of all, she needs her space which it doesn't seem like you are giving her at this moment, stop talking about the relationship with her, as you can't go NC only talk to her when you absolutely need to, and only about work related things. There is no way she can get over it with you being such a big part in her life
Author Mary Oak Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 BUt, my fear is that she will get over me... Plus she also comes in my office and asks if we can talk too. We talk about an hour a day. SOmetimes about normal stuff, sometimes about us.
Tree_Salmon Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 BUt, my fear is that she will get over me... Plus she also comes in my office and asks if we can talk too. We talk about an hour a day. SOmetimes about normal stuff, sometimes about us. This is an error on your part. The more you pull her in the more she'll push away from you. So in fact you are losing her by keeping her close. It's clear that you both need time away. I would say stop talking aboutt he relationship at all and just disappear from the situation. You need to be the cool guy who can take anything life throws at him. She already knows you love her so there's nothing left for you to prove. Just be cool and confident. Don't overwhelm her with your feelings, keep those to yourself or friends. You also have to take into consideration that this may not be whats good for you. Maybe you guys shouldn't get back together. Trust me i know how this feels and sounds but you have to reflect on all of this. Things didn't work out for a reason. Improve yourself and get over this, then see what happens. Don't cling on and make it worse.
Chi townD Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 If I were you, I would see if she would be agreeable to couples counseling. You do the research; find a counselor, set up the appointment. See if she would be agreeable to just a couple of session and you promise to take her out for coffee, ice cream or dinner afterward, nothing more. Let her know that your intentions are honorable and you promise to be a complete gentleman; even if the session exposes raw nerves. You promise her that you'll leave everything that was said in counseling AT counseling and you'll drop her off at home.
Tree_Salmon Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Don't live your life purely on what we say. Make your own decisions. You know this better than anyone. Do what you feel is right. But being honest and confident with everything is key. Counseling could go well if you both want that.
hinatticus Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I'm glad you're doing ok Mary.. Just keep doing what you're doing. My counselor says it can take up to 2 or more years for the resentment and the trust to build back up. As for you guys seeking counseling, it may be hard to bring it up to your ex. But if you guys go down that road, just remember the first session may be bad. I say this because after our joint session the mood surrounding us was not good. It opened up a bunch of old wounds. Basically because all we talked about was the past. My counselor asked us at the end of the session if we think the relationship is salvageable. I obviously said yes, but my ex is still unsure. Not a definite no, but it still sucks. I know how you feel about all this uncertainty. My advice is try to limit the setbacks as much as possible. I wish I could offer up more advice, but I'm in a bit of a standstill with my situation. Just remember since you're in LC it will slow down your own healing. It sucks, but we just gotta keep on keeping on while in LC. Good luck!
Author Mary Oak Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I have asked her about going to counseling with me but she said she does not think I have been enough by myself yet. So, that isn't a no but not a yes either. What I don't understand is why we can't rebuild this trust slowly together. Why do we have to be apart if we both want this in the long run? She does nothing except work and be with her family. No phone calls, no friends...nothing. And it is not like she doesn't have friends ...she does. It is like she wants to be isolated. Part of me feels like the door is still open because she is scared of hurting me and part of me feels like she still wants it. I guess she doesn't even know herself. I know I can't wait two years to find out. Every day that passes is one less day I have with her. Every day feels like a month. I do things to pass the time, but nothing is fun anymore. Seeing her pain today was awful. ANd I have apologized so many times. I just had to listen because I know she needs to get it out. I am scared that getting it out with re-open those wounds and she will move away from me. But, I would rather that happen then for her to have to live in the darkness of hurt. Hinattius, well, at least she didn't say no. That is a big deal. Are you going to continue to go to counseling with her?
hinatticus Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I have asked her about going to counseling with me but she said she does not think I have been enough by myself yet. So, that isn't a no but not a yes either. What I don't understand is why we can't rebuild this trust slowly together. Why do we have to be apart if we both want this in the long run? She does nothing except work and be with her family. No phone calls, no friends...nothing. And it is not like she doesn't have friends ...she does. It is like she wants to be isolated. Part of me feels like the door is still open because she is scared of hurting me and part of me feels like she still wants it. I guess she doesn't even know herself. I know I can't wait two years to find out. Every day that passes is one less day I have with her. Every day feels like a month. I do things to pass the time, but nothing is fun anymore. Seeing her pain today was awful. ANd I have apologized so many times. I just had to listen because I know she needs to get it out. I am scared that getting it out with re-open those wounds and she will move away from me. But, I would rather that happen then for her to have to live in the darkness of hurt. Hinattius, well, at least she didn't say no. That is a big deal. Are you going to continue to go to counseling with her? I would very much like to do counseling with her. I just gotta find the right time to ask her. And the right way! About you apologizing a bunch of times already... My counselor has stated to me that I don't apologize until she is ready. It comes across as selfish. Believe be, I've wanted to apologize a million times, but I know it will do no good. It's been over 5 months and she still hasn't gotten a formal apology from me. I've stated numerous times what I did wrong and how she felt, but an apology now would only be self serving. I even asked my ex a while back what an apology would do for her. She said it would come across that I'm using it as a tactic to get her back. I understand what you mean about days feeling like months. I feel the same way but at the same time I can't believe we haven't been together for over 5 months already. It's like the days blur together. I've lost a lot of interest in the things I enjoyed too. I'm still super happy around my son tho. Been reading lots too. I'm reading a book right now about non violent communication. It's pretty good so far. A lot of it is what I've learned through other books, but it's still interesting. The thing about 2 years shouldn't be discouraging. I view it as a timeframe where she will be fully trusting of me again. BUT that doesn't mean she won't want to try sooner! There's that hope again. It's completely reasonable to think our exes will want to try reconciling sooner than they are completely healed. Of course they may not even want to try again. Talk about a test of all tests! I'm not giving up yet, I'm not throwing in the towel yet, I have not said "enough is enough" yet!
Author Mary Oak Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 You are so very strong. I am committed to try to make this work until I no longer feel like I can emotionally. At night when she is at her sisters, I miss her so much. But it is so much more than just the missing her. It is a void. I feel like we are missing out on each other's lives. Even though we still share everything, the idea that she is not "my person" to go to when good things happen or bad things happen is so sad. I really don't feel like this is the way it is intended to be. She says she doesn't know if she can get over the hurt. I feel, at least, she is dealing with the feelings now. I hope God touches her heart and heals it. I know it takes time and I will wait until she doesn't want me to wait anymore. I asked her today if she just wanted me to tell her that I just wanted to be friends and she said she did not want that. SHe says she has forgiven me, but not healed. I try to validate her feelings without trying to explain them away. I asked her if she thought we would be in a different place than we are a month from now and she said no. Sometimes, I feel so defeated. I feel like such a jerk. I feel lonely.. I know she still loves me, but I miss the love she used to give me so willingly and openly. Now, it feels like she is walking a tightrope with the things she says as she does not want to lead me on. I don't feel like doing anything. I go to work and I work out. I went out last weekend and it took my mind off her for moments but in the big picture it made me miss her more.
hinatticus Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Believe me I'm not as strong as I come across. I cried the other day! Sometimes you have to give yourself a timeframe for how long you want to endure this. There are times when I want to say "Ahh f*ck it, I'm done", but then I realize I told myself to give it lots of time. I'm not wanting to get out there and date. And if she starts dating someone that's when I'll back off. I get what you're saying about the void. I feel it everyday! My buddy told me something that gave me courage. He said that if I keep doing what I'm doing and I am prepared for all possible outcomes and it doesn't work out, then all I've wasted was a couple of years. Not really a big deal in the big scheme of things. The rewards far outweigh the negatives. At least I think so. And in the meantime by me bettering myself I at least will have that to show for the "wasted" years. I haven't gone out in a while. Sometimes it's good just sitting in your own misery. Stay strong Mary!
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