Daffodil74 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) My first time here. I feel the urge to vent somewhere, otherwise my head would explode. I was a close friend to this guy for almost two years now. I knew from the beginning that he was gay. Then his partner suddenly passed away. I felt sorry for him, so I was there for him emotionally. It got to the point that he called me everyday, just to talk with me about random things, funny, ordinary, weird, all sort of things. I felt very safe to talk with him about my feelings, my thoughts ... One day, I realized I felt in love with him, and decided it had to stop. So I talked with him how I felt, and that I wanted to ran away from him before it was too late. He said he could not change (meaning from gay to straight) but he wanted us remain close friends. But I knew I couldn't, so I told him I would not contact him whatsoever. I maintained NC for a week. It was so unbearable that I had to see a counselor, who advised me to friend him again for my well-being (I was about to do IVF with a donor at that time). So I texted him to say hello. He replied almost in a second after receiving my text, telling me he was happy that I contacted him. We were friends again, even closer. One part of me kept telling that he would find a lover one day and I would be broken-hearted. The other part told me to enjoy life. What would be, would be. I loved him for the same reasons that women often fall for gay friends: they are caring, sensitive, listening, etc. We met two to three times a week: for dinner, seeing movies, shopping, seeing mutual friends, going for house inspection, etc. Then it was time for me to do the IVF thing. I sensed that he was annoyed. He got angry with me about small things. I was upset, and did not talk to him nor see him as often as before. Then the IVF coaster roller made me too tired to maintain the regular contacts with him. He texted me sometimes to check on me, but I could tell that his care was not as strong as before. Sometimes, he hinted that he had a new boyfriend. I was very upset, but didn't say anything. We had some mutual friends who I knew via him because they were his close friends. So I mainly 'chit chat' with him via group email/chat room with those mutual friends. They thought he had feelings for me. But I told them there was nothing 'special' between us. I lost my baby two months ago. He was very caring at that time. Cooked food for me. Drove me to wherever I wanted to go. Texted/called everyday. But it was like once bitten, twice shy for me. So I tried to keep a distance from him. Then last month he suddenly introduced his new boyfriend to me. I was so upset, so I keep NC after that despite numerous texts from him. He offered to buy me a new TV, give me his fridge, his study desk, drive me to do grocery shopping, etc. But I refused them all. I only replied when he communicated through group email/chat room because I didn't want them to know what happened between us. Yesterday, he informed us via chat room that his new boyfriend was moving in from next week. I replied "Congratulations!". I did feel happy for him. At that moment, I felt 'normal' as I expected it to happen that way. And the NC did help heal over the last month. Then he replied back "how bitter your congratulations are". That comment made me so hurt and furious as if he played with my heart, and he did it on purpose. I couldn't sleep. I wanted wipe him out of my mind and all memories about him. But somehow, that last comment was stick in my head. Aghhhhh! I don't know what I should do. I have to see him next week for a mutual friend's daughter's birthday, which I don't want to. Then in September for his birthday. He already invited me and mutual friends to his house several weeks ago. Your thoughts and wisdom is much appreciated! Edited August 8, 2012 by Daffodil74
Exit Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Well for one thing, it's not hard to see why he might have thought your "congratulations" was bitter or sarcastic. If you were maintaining mostly NC with him since you suspected he might have a new BF, and then he heard that from you, it's understandable. It was still a hurtful comment for him to make and he could have kept it to himself. If you felt better enough about the situation that you felt your congratulations was sincere, then I would suggest to just keep trying to go down that road. Try to be happy for him and understand why you two won't be together. More than the typical "this person doesn't love me" situation, knowing that someone isn't even attracted to your gender is as good enough of a reason as any to let it go and move on. If you can't manage to maintain a perspective of indifference and let him go, then I almost think you need to get out of this circle of friends. You don't "have" to run into him if you don't want to, as much as you may not want to miss someone else's birthday party or lose your other mutual friends. I see those as your only two reasonable options at this point. You either support him and be happy just to have a friendship, or you need to get out of this circle of friends that involves him so it will stop driving you crazy.
esteem-jam Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 There is another way why your congratulations were not received well, that is, it may have sounded like this: Ha ha, you are gay! Haha.
Author Daffodil74 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 I feel less angry now since your comments helped me understand the reasons why he thought my congratulations were bitter. I could manage to say congratulations through text/emails. His new BF seems to be sweet and caring. But I don't think I can say so when I see them together. At least for a while.... At least until I no longer miss his care, his small talks, his affection...
Author Daffodil74 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 It's Friday, and I miss him so much. We used to hang out evry Friday....
AnchordHeart Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 Please allow me to share from another perspective. Ive had many Bisexual female friends. I made it very clear that I am straight but accept that they are bisexual. Unfortunately, a few of my bisexual friends at different times felt that they had fallen in love with me. At the time it made me very irritated and upset because they knew I was very much straight and that I didnt want a girlfriend. What i'm saying is I don't feel that your friend is the bad guy here. You can't help how you feel, but you shouldnt be angry/upset/jealous that he has a new man in his life. Remember, he lost out on a very good friend here too, and it probably hurts him also.
Author Daffodil74 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Posted August 10, 2012 You are right, AnchordHeart. I shouldn't be jealous when he has a new BF. Many times I told myself that it was unfair that I expected him to be either my BF or single for the rest of his life. But I couldn't help feeling jealous when he showed intimacy to his BF. Maybe I am too selfish. Maybe because we were connected at many levels. There were many occasions that I received his calls/texts when I was about to call/text him or thought about him, and vice versa. We shared the same sense of humor. He changed a lot since he met me: the way he sees things, his lifestyle (e.g. I like activities, he didn't but he bought a treadmill, I like studying languages, he signed up for a French language class, etc.). He has two close friends. But since he met me, he was closer to me than to them and treated me differently, to the point that they could notice and thought he fell for me... All made me think that he was mine and for me only. How selfish I am! If I remember right, this is the only time I get angry with him. I just thought he is now having fun, and I am sad. He rubbed salt on the wound by telling me that I was bitter when I congratulated him, and that comment was sent not only to me but to our mutual friends as well. Anyway, I couldn't feel angry with him for long. Just feel so lonely. Sorry that I rant a lot. LS saved me from contacting him today. Thanks you all.
Author Daffodil74 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 It has been several weeks since I initiated NC. And I am still maintaining 'NC'. I am still part of the chat room with a mutual friend who is his close friend though. But I have not sent messages, not replying his msgs, ... He knows I am on NC because normally we 'talked' a lot everyday. It seems that he also refrained from sending messages. But recently whenever he sent something, it was either with his BF's name mentioned, or photo (not obvious, but for example, he sent pics of his dog with his BF's figure in the background). I feel sick in the stomach. It seems that the considerate friend I used to know has gone. Until I received such messages/pics recently, for several days I kept reading the thread "no contact guide" and feel I am on the right track of healing. Feel positive and active with planning for the future. Thanks a lot LS. I thought peace and equilibrium is smth not so far away. When I get there, I will be friend with him again. But now, I don't think I would want to be friend with the type of person he is now. Am I too sensitive? I would appreciate other perspectives.
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