aminea Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 First of all, I am a 20 year old college student who just went through her first boyfriend (my first everything) breaking up with her. We started dating 5 months ago after being friends for a few years. He was my first love, and my first heart break. We were going through a semi-long-distance relationship during the summer because he lived about a hour away for work (we would see each other once a week). Everything couldn't have been more perfect, we were so happy, had so much fun, and we both had our own lives going on while we were dating so it wasn't like I was clingy or anything. I never questioned when he wanted to hang out with his friends, male or female, and he always invited me to hang out with them, and they all are now my good friends too, some of them were my friends even before we dated. Then out of the blue he dumped me. There was no warning signs, I was even supposed to be seeing him a few days after because he invited me to a high school reunion party he was having. His best friend even told me he had no idea he was planning on dumping me. He told me that he liked me a lot, and I am perfect and I make him happy, but he isnt ready for a relationship. He said he wasnt at the point in his life where he wants to deal with the time/money/freedom commitment that comes with a relationship. He claims there isn't anyone else, and he is a pretty upfront kind of guy so lying about it would be EXTREMELY out of character for him, and our break up was 100% a "Right people, wrong time" sort of thing. But now I cant get over it, I feel like he gave up on us before we had a real chance, and I keep feeling like I would do anything on this earth to get him back. I feel like I am going crazy, I am not acting like myself at all. I have tried hanging out with this new guy, who is extreamly good looking, has the same interests as me, is fun and nice and smart and really into me. He makes me feel like he would probably care about me more then my ex ever could. But all I can think and feel when I am with him is "I wish he were *insert ex's name" "wow the way he scratches his arm reminds me of *insert ex's name" ect ect. I am not dealing with this well at all, and I don't know what to do. I am thinking maybe seeing my ex in person for the first time since we broke up might help? Maybe hashing out our break up in person rather then over text message or over the phone might help bring me some closure? A third of me wants to save our friendship, another third would chew my arm off for things to go back to the way they were before, the other third wants to punch him in the face. And this whole way I am naturally feeling pathetic for not being able to be one of those girls who can just be like "your loss" and move on with her life just as confident as before. People with more experience.... please help...
Pod81 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) You are one of the millions of people who are a victims of a GIGS ex. Below are threads you should read and things will start to make a lot of sense. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/279056-dumped-someone-g-i-g-s-all-your-questions-answered-within-thread To summarize the above threads, your ex is still in college and is at an age where he's just plain too immature for a real relationship. Most people (but not all - there are exceptions to the rule) during their college years want that freedom to "do what they want, when they want, and with whomever they want." It's a selfish phase in life and they simply don't have the mental or emotional capacity to understand real, mature love - and all the commitment, effort, and compromise that goes with it. So instead of working through issues and committing (which scares the crap out of most people at your age), it's much easier just to abandon ship. This is the reason why almost all high school and college relationships fail. Will he mature with time? Yes, but often this will take a significant amount of time (likely more than a year). Once he does mature, will he come back? Perhaps, but it is just as likely that he won't so be prepared to live life without him. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I know how this feels because I've been a victim myself just a few months ago. Edited August 8, 2012 by Pod81
Author aminea Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 You are one of the millions of people who are a victims of a GIGS ex. Below are threads you should read and things will start to make a lot of sense. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/279056-dumped-someone-g-i-g-s-all-your-questions-answered-within-thread To summarize the above threads, your ex is still in college and is at an age where he's just plain too immature for a real relationship. Most people (but not all - there are exceptions to the rule) during their college years want that freedom to "do what they want, when they want, and with whomever they want." It's a selfish phase in life and they simply don't have the mental or emotional capacity to understand real, mature love - and all the commitment, effort, and compromise that goes with it. So instead of working through issues and committing (which scares the crap out of most people at your age), it's much easier just to abandon ship. This is the reason why almost all high school and college relationships fail. Will he mature with time? Yes, but often this will take a significant amount of time (likely more than a year). Once he does mature, will he come back? Perhaps, but it is just as likely that he won't so be prepared to live life without him. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I know how this feels because I've been a victim myself just a few months ago. Yeah that does sound mostly right I guess. Urg, it just sucks because it isnt like he is going on some crazy bender. He doesn't really get much attention from girls usually, I may love him but I know he isnt the most attractive guy. Just still doing the same stuff he always does. All the things the people suffering from GIGS seem to be after (the parties, the sex, the fun, the drugs/alcohol) were all things he usually only did with me, now he isnt doing them at all. Just sitting infront of a tv screen playing video games? Urg, I dont get men haha.
Pod81 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I feel like each case does have some minor differences. For example, my ex was never really into the partying, drugs, and sex thing either. She just simply wanted to do her own thing without being tied down into a relationship. Whether that meant that she felt like I got in the way of her school/career or she wants to date other guys to "see what she wants", I may never know - but that's her business. I think the common denominator here is that they just didn't place the relationship at a high enough priority. In your case, your ex likely puts video games, school, and his buddies at a higher priority than you.
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