Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 but like you said, you've never asked someone over on the first date or first meeting and that is when sex seems assumed. That's was why I was very specific about asking DY to define to early, and also why I pointed out she danced around actually answering the question. IMO she routinely portrays (and to a large extent personally believes) most men as only wanting sex, and I personally take a strong offense to that.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Guess what? Women are getting the wrong impression of you based on lots of other turdballs. If you want to stand out, I'd suggest something more creative than a hang out at your house that early. Guess what, I have never, and will never knowingly date a woman who makes all kinds of assumptions about me, based on someone she dated previously. Imo someone who does this has a significant character flaw. O and by the way, I've never had a problem standing out...
yongyong Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Let me guess based on my experience and view. I am sure you got a lot of innocent and sweet messages from other guys. But you ignored them because they are not your type (understandable) There is a reason for you to put up with that kind of disrespectful sexual messages. he is either totally your type or superior than you in looks. IMO, guys won't say that kind of aggressive message to a girl they really like. If I see a girl who is below my standard but still bangable, I might throw riskier messages because if it goes wrong, I can just say to myself 'neh she isn't cute anyways' On the other hand, if I find her very attractive, I will try to play a gentleman and being innocent.
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Let me guess based on my experience and view. I am sure you got a lot of innocent and sweet messages from other guys. But you ignored them because they are not your type (understandable) There is a reason for you to put up with that kind of disrespectful sexual messages. he is either totally your type or superior than you in looks. IMO, guys won't say that kind of aggressive message to a girl they really like. If I see a girl who is below my standard but still bangable, I might throw riskier messages because if it goes wrong, I can just say to myself 'neh she isn't cute anyways' On the other hand, if I find her very attractive, I will try to play a gentleman and being innocent. Sure, this could be the reasoning... but I'm also curious if it's lack of relationship experience.. A few guys that I've had issues with since I've been dating again (including this guy) either haven't had a serious relationship in a few years or haven't had a relationship last longer than 10 months (I'm 28 just to put it in perspective). I try not to hold dating history against men, but I'm starting to see a pattern.
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Update..I texted him saying that I didn't feel comfortable meeting up at his house or hanging out there...he responded about an hour later saying "thats ok" ...i responded with "cool! :)" an hour and a half ago....no response. I guess I could have asked for suggestions on places to meet but I think at this point, we assumed correctly.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 At least 80% of the guys online are just looking for easy sex. These are the lazy, low-level guys operating on an animal level. But you will find at least 5% who don't bring up sex at all and are actually looking for a relationship. These guys are the ones operating above their animal nature, with whom something deeper is possible. If he brings up sex at all before you even meet, or asks you to "hang out" or "come over", you know he's part of the 80%+ who are just after sex. If things don't work out with the guy I'm seeing now and I do online dating again, I will immediately reject and ignore any guy who brings up sex before we meet. I used to be more lenient with milder sexy flirtation - but I'm learning 1
Author Meg717 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 At least 80% of the guys online are just looking for easy sex. These are the lazy, low-level guys operating on an animal level. But you will find at least 5% who don't bring up sex at all and are actually looking for a relationship. These guys are the ones operating above their animal nature, with whom something deeper is possible. If he brings up sex at all before you even meet, or asks you to "hang out" or "come over", you know he's part of the 80%+ who are just after sex. If things don't work out with the guy I'm seeing now and I do online dating again, I will immediately reject and ignore any guy who brings up sex before we meet. I used to be more lenient with milder sexy flirtation - but I'm learning Yup - dating is a learning experience... I just get annoyed bc everyone told me join a site where people are paying for memberships, the men are more serious...apparently, it doesn't matter if they pay or get the service for free..
yongyong Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 If you have three digit IQ, you should know what his intention was. But you kept talking to him. Obviously, unlike other guys, he made your pussy very wet. I can't blame you not talking to other nice guys who sent sweet messages because they are not your type. Maybe you thought, 'oh I think this guy really likes me but that's just the way he talks' 'maybe I can change this guy to have a relationship with me' Guys get frustrated on OLD because it's hard for them to bang decent looking women. Women get frustrated on OLD because they get many messages from guys they don't find attractive. Although they might find their type, he is only interested in her pussy. this is the way it is. you can either be very patient or try something else.
kaylan Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Because it seems like you have to be at the top of the looks/charisma spectrum to be able to generate those kind of feelings in a woman. It's too much to believe that an "average" guy can rock a woman's world in that way. It becomes impossible to believe that you can do it after you've had years of being regularly shut down by women. That degree of attraction can't be THAT subjective. Not at all dude. If you have good sexual chemistry with a gal, and also connect with her on an emotional level, she will get that spark feeling where she cant help but fall for you. Ive had a few girls feel like that about me in the past, and Im no Zac Efron in looks, nor do I have a Channing Tatum physique, nor do I have the charm of a George Clooney. Some guys may have it easier than others...but its all about learning what works for you. Ive found what works for me in terms of my target women, my style, my body and whatever else there is. Sure I might not be able to relate to the guys whove gone through years of failure, but I have had droughts myself. Sometimes all you need is a good buddy to show you the ropes and instill confidence in ya...thats what I try to do with my guy and gal friends. I just want everyone to maximize their potential, highlight their attributes, and just believe in themselves about something. Optimism is what turns the whole ship around. Sounds corny, but its true. Just find a buddy to help ya out. 1
SJC2008 Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Yes dating does suck. If he invites you over on date #1 he's after sex, and I agree 100%. But if he doesn't go for sex by date 4/5 it flips 180 and turns into "Why hasn't he gone for sex?" "Mabye he doesn't like me" "Mabye he's a virgin".
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I bet most people assume you're an obnoxious Bit**... Hey... don't blame me because your fellow 'gentleman' spoiled things for you. If you wanna be pissed at someone, be pissed at them. It's not women's job to fix everything for you and make your dating life nice and cushy. It's our job to find a man who really wants to spend time with us and get to know us. Besides, it isn't that hard to find something else to do that doesn't involve having someone you just met come over to your house. Unless you live on the frozen tundra or have some fear of venturing outdoors for some reason.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Hey... don't blame me because your fellow 'gentleman' spoiled things for you. Do you have reading comprehension problems, or do you just loathe men that much... No one has messed anything up for me, people mess stuff up for themselves. Guess what, I have never, and will never knowingly date a woman who makes all kinds of assumptions about me, based on someone she dated previously. Imo someone who does this has a significant character flaw. IMO the type of person I described above is very childish, & extremely pessimistic. They are childish, because they want to place people into a finite number of groups, so they can easily understand them. The whole naughty & nice thing is a good example. The range of human personalities is to broad to be broken down into 2 groups. They are pessimistic, because they automatically assume the worst about someone they know next to nothing about. Lets take you RedRobin, Based on your posts, I have a strong feeling that you think the vast majority of men are pigs who only want to get in your pants, and that they need to prove to you that they aren't. This is probably a big part of the reason you have problem with men. You have let your failed marriage (correct me if I'm wrong) taint your view of all men. I'm a realist, so when I meet a new person (man or woman), I assume they are a normal upstanding individual, unless they show signs of being otherwise. I have to say, after reading a hand full of your posts, alarm bells started going off. If you wanna be pissed at someone, be pissed at them. It's not women's job to fix everything for you and make your dating life nice and cushy. who said i was pissed? who said my dating life isn't nice? Besides, it isn't that hard to find something else to do that doesn't involve having someone you just met come over to your house. Unless you live on the frozen tundra or have some fear of venturing outdoors for some reason. You really can't see past your own simplistic view of the dating world can you? You have no idea what I or the women I have dated are interested in or like to do for fun. You don't even know what I did on my dates, or if they involved staying at my home the entire time. The only thing you know is that they started & ended at my home, everything else is just the negative garbage you got bouncing around in your head....
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Lots of vitriol for suggesting (*GASP*) men consider other options besides asking someone to their house if they want to impress someone. It's not that complicated. If guys wanna blend in with the rest of the 'pack' and cross their fingers, then that is their choice. *shrug*
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Yes, I am fine with waiting to have sex, though its a situation that varies. If I already have feelings for her, it would probably happen sooner, but then again so would the full romance as well. If we are simply dating and it's not something that sure, I'd most likely to hold off until things begin to get off the ground. If you've looked through any of my threads, I've posted several times that my ex was a victim of heavy sexual abuse and multiple rapes, so sex wasn't something that happened very often. She always felt bad because I have a fairly high sex drive and she really wasn't able to provide for that, but I always told her I'm not a pig and can control myself. I loved her and still do, and to me that was always more important than sex. Sex is equally an emotional aspect and a physical need in my opinion. That, and sex with someone you are emotionally involved with will always be better than sex with someone you're not. I'm in 100% agreement with you. It takes a special person to have the kindness, patience and capacity to be sensitive to the needs of someone that has had tramatic experiences. You sound like quite a guy. Out if curiosity, do you have sisters or a lot of women in your family?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) I feel sad for you, as you probably wrote off a lot of good guys, based on this assumption. I for example, have had several women to my home over the years, and sleeping with them was never the intent. Now keep in mind this was never on the first date, the earliest might have been the 3rd/4th. I know I might not be the norm, but I'm far from the exception. I don't think we are saying that much of a different thing Lonely. We agree that first dates are never good ideas to have someone over to your home. 3rd/4th dates aren't so bad to have someone over if you are looking to do something different and your intent isn't just a one track thing. The difference is that your intent was different from the intent of the men I went out with. Unfortunetly, the reality is that women deal with a lot of men that just want easy cheap sex. This isn't a slight on you at all. But it's pretty reasonable to understand why someone would be cautious. There are also more signals the OP's interest is giving out then JUST the "come over to my place" one.As I said, as you get older and gain more experience, you see those signals a heck of a lot easier. Don't feel sorry for me on this. Feel sorry for me on other issues. Edited August 9, 2012 by Disenchantedly Yours 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 That's was why I was very specific about asking DY to define to early, and also why I pointed out she danced around actually answering the question. IMO she routinely portrays (and to a large extent personally believes) most men as only wanting sex, and I personally take a strong offense to that. I tried to answer it the best I could. I am not sure what kind of response you were looking for. I wasn't trying to dance around anything. If you can ask me a more specific question, perhaps I can give you a more specific answer? I will do my best. I understand there are men that do want more then sex. But when you date, and you make yourself open to a wide pool of people, you encounter a lot of people that just want one thing sometimes. That's the reality.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 lol, who said it was to impress the woman I was seeing.... Such a narrow view of the dating world you have grasshopper, you have much to learn... Lots of vitriol for suggesting (*GASP*) men consider other options besides asking someone to their house if they want to impress someone. It's not that complicated. If guys wanna blend in with the rest of the 'pack' and cross their fingers, then that is their choice. *shrug*
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Update..I texted him saying that I didn't feel comfortable meeting up at his house or hanging out there...he responded about an hour later saying "thats ok" ...i responded with "cool! :)" an hour and a half ago....no response. I guess I could have asked for suggestions on places to meet but I think at this point, we assumed correctly. See now, you found your answer AND you didn't put yourself in a position that would have made you a heck of a lot more vulnerable. Alot of women have a hard time taking a guy for at his word because they are wrapped up in thinking about all the potential possibilities of finding a guy that will meet their relationships expectations. I did this ALOT when I was younger. A lot of women, when they meet a new guy are all like, "Well, maybe he is the "one". Maybe this will happen or that....." And the list goes on where she focuses on her hopes and dreams about a relationship. We sometimes ignore what a man is directly putting out there. But if you pay close attention to a man's actions AND words, instead of the hope you have placed on your possiblities for a relationship, you can see things more clearly. As fun as it is to get all fluttery with a new possibility, a part of you has to remain grounded. And it did Meg! You done good. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I tried to answer it the best I could. I am not sure what kind of response you were looking for. I wasn't trying to dance around anything. If you can ask me a more specific question, perhaps I can give you a more specific answer? I will do my best. When I asked you to define to early, you responded with the following. To early...usually when men want to have sex but want nothing to do with actually committing to the woman in any way shape or form. They will put a part of themselves inside another person, but they get all weird about "commitment". They will get upset if said woman doesn't have sex with him quick enough, but they aren't looking to commitment to anything on the emotiona level...... Of course, there are lots of different kind of relationshisp and sometimes people sleep together very quickly and end up dating and married. But there are many more cases of men that are just looking to sleep with you and not commitment. They have all the rules about actual commitment but have none regarding their own bodies. I was expecting/looking for you to respond with something like "when I feel confident about his intentions", or "when I feel at ease around him" etc. Basically the response I was looking for was something specific to your point of view. I'm not sure how to interpret what you actually responded, as to me it just reads like a laundry list of negative things. I understand there are men that do want more then sex. But when you date, and you make yourself open to a wide pool of people, you encounter a lot of people that just want one thing sometimes. That's the reality. True, but how you respond to that reality says a lot about who you are.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I was expecting/looking for you to respond with something like "when I feel confident about his intentions", or "when I feel at ease around him" etc. Basically the response I was looking for was something specific to your point of view. I'm not sure how to interpret what you actually responded, as to me it just reads like a laundry list of negative things. Feeling confident about where you are with someone certainly factors in for me. And feeling at ease, which to me is trusting someone, also factors in. But sometimes even if someone is trustworthy, you don't always know that right away. You build trust through experiences and seeing what that person is like. It's not just automoatically given. True, but how you respond to that reality says a lot about who you are. I agree. I think it says I am a cautious person that has learned from my dating experiences and shifted my own response so I am better able to deal with them. Look at Meg, clearly the guy was just looking for sex or he would have suggested meeting up in a public place. The experience might leave her a little more weary but if it protects her from a situation of being with a man that is specifically looking for just sex while she is looking for more, isn't that a good thing? What would you have had Meg do?
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I get the sense, LR, that you expect all the women you come across to simply take it at face value that you have good intentions without you having to do anything. ... and regarding appropriate caution as being some kind of character flaw... Try this... go down to the corner. Wave your wallet around and yell "I'm going to leave this wallet right here on the corner. I'm going to come back in a half-hour. I trust none of you are going to take it." Drop it there then come back in a half-hour. Do that 10 times. Report back on the results. If you cannot do that, then you must be character flawed and hate all of humanity for assuming that someone would steal your wallet after you told them what you are looking for and you trusted them. ... um, the rest of us just don't leave our 'wallets' around for strangers to pick up and just don't worry about it that much. Anyway, not sure why you are so wrapped around the axle on this issue of asking women over to your house on the 3rd/4th date (or whenever) unless there is some grain of truth to what we are saying. It's like you've got all this mojo wrapped up in it. Strange.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 The experience might leave her a little more weary but if it protects her from a situation of being with a man that is specifically looking for just sex while she is looking for more, isn't that a good thing? realistic & optimistically cautious are phrases I would recommend. What I recommend she not do, is prejudge the next guy based on her experience with this guy. unfortunately I see a lot of people from both genders suggesting prejudging the opposite gender. Guys suggesting women who "don't put out soon enough" are prudes, or that women just want their money, or that single women past a certain age had their fun and now want a white knight. women suggesting all men want is sex as fast as possible, that men can't be trusted to control themselves, etc etc. it's all very sad, because all they are doing by narrow-mindedly judging people, is digging a deeper hole they will have to climb out of if they ever want to have a happy relationship. What would you have had Meg do? she did pretty much what I said she should. hmm, that'a a very aggressive first date suggestion. I'd recommend something like, "I don't feel comfortable going to your place just yet, how about we do blank". If he doesn't understand that what he did is pretty bold I'd recommend you next him. If he gets grumpy about it, I'd recommend you next him as well.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I get the sense, LR, that you expect all the women you come across to simply take it at face value that you have good intentions without you having to do anything. No, I expect them to not automatically assume I have the worst possible intentions. Anyway, not sure why you are so wrapped around the axle on this issue of asking women over to your house on the 3rd/4th date (or whenever) unless there is some grain of truth to what we are saying. It's like you've got all this mojo wrapped up in it. Strange. Think, ponder, imply whatever you want, I don't care.
RedRobin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 No, I expect them to not automatically assume I have the worst possible intentions. Sure.. and as long as you are taking some measures to share the risks, I doubt you'll have any problems. Problems arise when one person expects the other to manage all the 'risks' while the other takes none. Sounds to me that is what you expect... Going down that path, what you will then end up with are women who are naive or have low self-esteem... or both. Think, ponder, imply whatever you want, I don't care. You obviously cared enough to jump down on me and DY's case for implying that a date at one's house is not ideal if you want to leave the best impression. Again... you have an awful lot of animosity for someone who has noble intentions... You don't see me going around to all the threads getting all hot under the collar that I offer to pay half my way on everything... then accusing men of being character flawed if they assume all women want their money. I happen to believe that if it weren't for valid stereotypes, we wouldn't have prejudice... and that's what you are complaining about. Prejudice. That's fine. Alot of us really DO know what it looks like when a guy has less than stellar motives... and THAT is what this thread was about. Not you and your 3rd/4th "come to my house" dates that you seem hell bent on keeping in your cache.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Sure.. and as long as you are taking some measures to share the risks, I doubt you'll have any problems. Problems arise when one person expects the other to manage all the 'risks' while the other takes none. Sounds to me that is what you expect... Going down that path, what you will then end up with are women who are naive or have low self-esteem... or both. what are all these risks you think I expect the women I date to manage? You obviously cared enough to jump down on me and DY's case for implying that a date at one's house is not ideal if you want to leave the best impression. I think you care a lot more about it than I do.
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