GoodOnPaper Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Why is it "too much"? Is this another variation of "I can't"? I was just trying to explain why some of us find it intimidating when a woman comes out and says that she wants to feel immediate sparks. Obviously, I don't think I was ever successful at generating said sparks -- there were always huge attraction imbalances.
ThaWholigan Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I was just trying to explain why some of us find it intimidating when a woman comes out and says that she wants to feel immediate sparks. Obviously, I don't think I was ever successful at generating said sparks -- there were always huge attraction imbalances. But do you not believe that you can learn how to do so? I believe you can.....
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 You have every right to want this feeling. I think all of us want that feeling. Guys who are usually lazy are the ones who in their past at some point have experienced "easy" girls. Quick, little, to no effort in getting a girl into bed. I do believe men compartmentalize women: 1. Marriage material, girlfriend material 2. Fun material If you fall into category No. 1, then the man won't be lazy, he will get off his ass and try hard to win you over. If you're considered No. 2, then you will get a minimal effort out of the guy or a less than gentleman-like effort. I totally agree with this. I think some women, as previously stated, are afraid of coming off as prude so they end up doing things that backfire making them seem easy (myself included)..It's hard to find the line between not seeming like a prude and an "easy" lay...
Axton Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I think if you meet a man that truly does like you for you, even if he has a history of trying to get action right away, he'll take his time. Personally, I went through that phase where I would just like going out to meet girls to sleep with, it was a challenge but more I hated being alone and needed to vindicate myself. It was kind of petty. Then I stopped dating for a while, met the girl I'm sort of seeing now and while I'm incredibly attracted to her, sex isn't really the top of my list. I just like being around her. So I don't think its a question of being too prudish or not, when you meet the right guy, it won't matter. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I totally agree with this. I think some women, as previously stated, are afraid of coming off as prude so they end up doing things that backfire making them seem easy (myself included)..It's hard to find the line between not seeming like a prude and an "easy" lay... I agree with this, I think a lot of women have a hard time with being playfully flirty, so they kind of end up at one of the extremes. I'm not sure what site it was for, but I remember an online dating commercial and the woman had the playful flirt thing down pact. She asked him about his tattoo, and after he explained it. he asked her if she had any. She had a big smile on her face and said something like "I have one but you won't get to see it tonight". That's the type of statement that says I'm not a prude, but I'm not easy either.
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 So the guy I was talking about invited me to hang out at his house tonight. I've never met this man in person and I feel like if I go over there: 1. he could kill me, I don't know him! and 2. I can easily fall into FWB situation.. so whats the best way to approach this?? and this is what I'm talking about..I'm not looking for a $$$$ restaurant, I'm just looking for creativity.. most towns near me have free movie in the park nights, suggest that! ugh...
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Here's a my perspective as a guy (though I'm not really a great example as I'm going through my first breakup) For my ex, when we started dating, I did the whole sweep her off her feet. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic who still believes in chivalry. I really when full hearted into doing my best to everything I could to make her feel loved, including running around town (in the literal on foot sense) at 7 pm between 4 flower shops in late February to surprise her with roses. Here's the difference though. She was my crush for several months prior to us dating, so by the time we actually dated, I already had serious feelings for her. In a future relationship, I don't see myself doing that, and for several reasons. 1. I don't feel like opening myself up to be hurt again like I am now, especially early in a relationship where a girl may just walk away. 2. Unless I know I already have feelings, there is no point in going all out to woo a girl when the situation may be completely different tomorrow or the day after. 3. I'd rather now wait until 2-4 months into the relationship where things are going well and there is potential for things to become a bit more serious to really become overly romantic and try to sweep the girl off her feet. Given I'd still do my best to be a gentleman while still in the early stages, but I probably wouldn't throw everything into romance until later. Mina, will you also wait 2-4 months to have sex with your partner as well? Or does that only stand for the romance part? I actually think it's a good idea to hold back on the romance and not give it all away too quickly. Sometimes anticipation is good. 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 If a girl is into sexting right away, I will not take her seriously. She most likely has a long history of doing it with other random guys. That's fine as long as YOU don't engage her in sexting and then hold it against her when she responds to it. But if she sexts you first, I can see it being a turn off if it's too much too soon. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 so whats the best way to approach this?? hmm, that'a a very aggressive first date suggestion. I'd recommend something like, "I don't feel comfortable going to your place just yet, how about we do blank". If he doesn't understand that what he did is pretty bold I'd recommend you next him. If he gets grumpy about it, I'd recommend you next him as well. 2
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 So the guy I was talking about invited me to hang out at his house tonight. I've never met this man in person and I feel like if I go over there: 1. he could kill me, I don't know him! and 2. I can easily fall into FWB situation.. so whats the best way to approach this?? and this is what I'm talking about..I'm not looking for a $$$$ restaurant, I'm just looking for creativity.. most towns near me have free movie in the park nights, suggest that! ugh... Men who invite you to their house are A) Lazy B) Looking for easy sex. You tell him the truth, "I'm not comfortable with that right now, maybe we could just go grab a drink?" Drinks are cheap and low pressure for both of you. Any reasonable male will understand why a woman that never met him won't be fully comfortable at his place. But Meg, it does seem like he is only looking for sex. Men that are looking for more will invite you out and take their time. 2
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Men who invite you to their house are A) Lazy B) Looking for easy sex. How about you put this statement in context...
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 How about you put this statement in context... I mean men that have never met you (especially) or you are only on the first couple of dates when he asks you "over". It's been my experience that when men do this, they are looking to have a private place to get intimate. I remember one of my earlier dating experiences where a man invited me over to "cook dinner". I felt special that he was going to cook dinner for me. At the time, I didn't understand the implications. I went, we had dinner, then right after dinner he was all like "oh let me give you a backrub". Dinner was clearly a smoke screen for sex. Admittedly, I was navie. I learned real quick not to go over to a guy's place too early. There is a real difference between men who are serious about getting to know someone and dating and men that are just looking for sex. The more experience you get, the more you see it. But it wasn't something I had figured out in my first dating experiences. 1
iris219 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 This guy has done a good job of making his intentions very clear. Be grateful for that! Between sexting a stranger and then inviting her to his house, he's putting it out that he just wants sex. I mean, c'mon. No man is clueless enough to believe a woman would be OK going to a stranger's house, unless she was completely naive or up NSA sex. I would feel disrespected and would have no desire to go out with him. I'd be thoroughly disgusted and there would be nothing he could do to redeem himself. Why put up with bad behavior BEFORE you've actually gone on a date? Normal, respectful people don't behave how he's behaving. 2
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Men who invite you to their house are A) Lazy B) Looking for easy sex. I agree that is also lazy. I feel that the first date sets the stage for what the relationship could be like. Even if this guy isn't looking for sex or some action (small chance), I envision our relationship being spent in his house. This is not me. I like to do couple things: movies, bowling, beach day, go for a walk, day in the city, etc. Do I mind staying in and watching movies, of course not! I just don't feel like spending years with someone in front of a TV. The other scenario is that he leaves me heartbroken bc he found someone he wants to do those things with..
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 This guy has done a good job of making his intentions very clear. Be grateful for that! Between sexting a stranger and then inviting her to his house, he's putting it out that he just wants sex. I mean, c'mon. No man is clueless enough to believe a woman would be OK going to a stranger's house, unless she was completely naive or up NSA sex. I would feel disrespected and would have no desire to go out with him. I'd be thoroughly disgusted and there would be nothing he could do to redeem himself. Why put up with bad behavior BEFORE you've actually gone on a date? Normal, respectful people don't behave how he's behaving. Totally agree!!
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Admittedly, I was navie. I learned real quick not to go over to a guy's place too early. Please define to early.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Please define to early. To early...usually when men want to have sex but want nothing to do with actually committing to the woman in any way shape or form. They will put a part of themselves inside another person, but they get all weird about "commitment". They will get upset if said woman doesn't have sex with him quick enough, but they aren't looking to commitment to anything on the emotiona level...... Of course, there are lots of different kind of relationshisp and sometimes people sleep together very quickly and end up dating and married. But there are many more cases of men that are just looking to sleep with you and not commitment. They have all the rules about actual commitment but have none regarding their own bodies.
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 To early...usually when men want to have sex but want nothing to do with actually committing to the woman in any way shape or form. They will put a part of themselves inside another person, but they get all weird about "commitment". They will get upset if said woman doesn't have sex with him quick enough, but they aren't looking to commitment to anything on the emotiona level...... based on the ambiguous nature of your responce, Is it fair to say that you automatically assume a guys wants/intends to sleep with you if he invites you to his home?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 based on the ambiguous nature of your responce, Is it fair to say that you automatically assume a guys wants/intends to sleep with you if he invites you to his home? Based on previous experieces, yes. That is the general assumption. 1
Axton Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 based on the ambiguous nature of your responce, Is it fair to say that you automatically assume a guys wants/intends to sleep with you if he invites you to his home? While that may not always be the case, it generally is. Just tell him you'd rather go out for a dinner. If he really is interested in getting to know you, this shouldn't be an issue at all. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Based on previous experieces, yes. That is the general assumption. I feel sad for you, as you probably wrote off a lot of good guys, based on this assumption. I for example, have had several women to my home over the years, and sleeping with them was never the intent. Now keep in mind this was never on the first date, the earliest might have been the 3rd/4th. I know I might not be the norm, but I'm far from the exception.
Author Meg717 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I feel sad for you, as you probably wrote off a lot of good guys, based on this assumption. I for example, have had several women to my home over the years, and sleeping with them was never the intent. Now keep in mind this was never on the first date, the earliest might have been the 3rd/4th. I know I might not be the norm, but I'm far from the exception. I agree that by the 3rd preferably 4th date it isn't bad to hang out at someones house...but like you said, you've never asked someone over on the first date or first meeting and that is when sex seems assumed.
Axton Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I agree that by the 3rd preferably 4th date it isn't bad to hang out at someones house...but like you said, you've never asked someone over on the first date or first meeting and that is when sex seems assumed. I agree with his.
RedRobin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 So the guy I was talking about invited me to hang out at his house tonight. I've never met this man in person and I feel like if I go over there: 1. he could kill me, I don't know him! and 2. I can easily fall into FWB situation.. so whats the best way to approach this?? and this is what I'm talking about..I'm not looking for a $$$$ restaurant, I'm just looking for creativity.. most towns near me have free movie in the park nights, suggest that! ugh... Tell him it appears your goals/values are not in line and next him... do not accept any backpedeling BS. Guys who try to push your limits to see what they can get away with are not worth your time.
RedRobin Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I feel sad for you, as you probably wrote off a lot of good guys, based on this assumption. I for example, have had several women to my home over the years, and sleeping with them was never the intent. Now keep in mind this was never on the first date, the earliest might have been the 3rd/4th. I know I might not be the norm, but I'm far from the exception. Guess what? Women are getting the wrong impression of you based on lots of other turdballs. If you want to stand out, I'd suggest something more creative than a hang out at your house that early.
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