weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Man we need to get together and go wreak havoc on some poor unsuspecting college-laden bar. Hit me up when you're in the states bro. yea man....if i hadn't of lost all my finances through that house etc, i'd book a ticket...
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 ....It takes time to get into the mindset of not caring about what's running in their ex's mind and primarily focusing on their own life/happiness. Right now, I feel stuck in between... Ive been very productive with myself lately, but I still miss her and feel that dreaded hope... Hey taramaiden it's a good post and makes sense. I'm not really sure why but I'm just struggling with getting on with things. I........Making friends and keeping busy and joining clubs - how do you find the strength for that? Im curious about this too. I have this same issue at the moment... The big problem is that you're doing it wrong. You're seeking 'fillers'. You do this stuff to take your mind off things, to compensate for their absence - but guess what? It never does. Why? Because your motivation is wrong. You're not looking to improve, you're looking to replace. All the stuff you do comes to naught, if you're doing it to fill a void. the only time it begins to work is when you do everything you do for one purpose, and one purpose only - for yourself, to change your lives. There are two threads running parallel on here: One on Choices, and one on Change. In order to create change, you have to make choices, and in order to choose, you have to be ready, willing and able to make changes. Drastic changes. Which means actively, consciously telling yourselves that they were part of yesterday, and have no place invading your today, because otherwise tomorrow will be just the same old same-old.... You have to CHOOSE to abandon the relationship, completely. let. it. go. 1
theskyisblue Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 The big problem is that you're doing it wrong. You're seeking 'fillers'. You do this stuff to take your mind off things, to compensate for their absence - but guess what? It never does. Why? Because your motivation is wrong. You're not looking to improve, you're looking to replace. All the stuff you do comes to naught, if you're doing it to fill a void. the only time it begins to work is when you do everything you do for one purpose, and one purpose only - for yourself, to change your lives. There are two threads running parallel on here: One on Choices, and one on Change. In order to create change, you have to make choices, and in order to choose, you have to be ready, willing and able to make changes. Drastic changes. Which means actively, consciously telling yourselves that they were part of yesterday, and have no place invading your today, because otherwise tomorrow will be just the same old same-old.... You have to CHOOSE to abandon the relationship, completely. let. it. go. You seem like you have a good idea about relationships and it’s good to hear your thoughts. You say I’m doing it wrong to which my question is simple – how should I be doing it? The relationship is done, I still love the girl but I recognise the need to move on which is what I’m trying to find the strength to do. This may get you saying well the problem is that you love her – you need to let her go, but it’s not as if I love her and sit waiting for a text or contact or anything like that. I simply am getting over the relationship and there is still some love there, probably for how things were and an ideal version of what we had but I’m not focusing on that. I want better things in my life, a better job, a better set of friends, and a girlfriend who wants to be with me and I understand that these things require energy and effort hence – how to find the strength to get on with your life, meet people and do better. The act of consciously telling myself that she won’t be there won’t actually help me achieve any of these things will it? There is a plan of sorts that I want to put in place but need the money to do so. I haven’t quit my job or given up, I’m fighting for things to be better so that I feel happier. Well I guess what I’m trying to ask is what actual actions should you take?
Author 2muchlove Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I replied to your question in this thread. I never got a response. This is the problem though - isn't it? TaraMaiden, I apologize for not following through with a response. It's all too easy to get tangled in all of these threads here. But your thoughts are straight to the point and always appreciated. As for my situation, I'm still going through the ups and downs. I guess I can't tell if I don't want to let go, or if I'm genuinely traumatized from the poor relationship, my poor judgement and the breakup. For god's sake I took her right back without little thought after she cheated on me two months into the relationship. Only because in the beginning I promised to make it work no matter what. And because I was afraid of losing her because of my codependency with her. I don't regret it. At least I didn't until I made some mistakes she didn't care to work through even though she made the same promise to me. Either way, the relationship was extremely intense. And it's the only thing that's been on my mind the past month I haven't spoken with her. No matter what I do, say or think. She is always there. Ohhhkaay gentlemen: Your limbic system (it is in your brain) has become pretty comfortable with those girls you were all dating, when you disrupt that (via breakup) it actually causes a "limbic injury." Your basal ganglia (responsible for anxiety /depression) swells and pushes against the surrounding areas. The good news: it heals intermittently and the swelling goes down over the course of six months. You pretty much normalize after that if YOU STAY NC. otherwise it disrupts the process somewhat. Sensitive types +/- 2 months or so. Part of why divorce and affair recovery is so rough, you often can't go NC and the stigma/shame etc causes a trauma as well. Depending on the extent of abuse in a relationship there might be some trauma. (I.e. PTSD) if you find yourself having flashbacks etc after the six month mark that are seriously disrupting your life and self-worth, then head in for an evaluation and possibly get some EMDR. often people with PTSD had some childhood markers that predisposed then to future relational trauma as well. So, considering the amount of emotional investment etc, that's why we become more discerning about who we form relationships with as we get older. I like this tigers. Gives me some clarity and a bit of good expectations.
theskyisblue Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Hey 2muchlove, meant to say apologies if I jumped in on this thread. Some good advice and opinions on here though!
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 You seem like you have a good idea about relationships and it’s good to hear your thoughts. You say I’m doing it wrong to which my question is simple – how should I be doing it? The relationship is done, I still love the girl but I recognise the need to move on which is what I’m trying to find the strength to do. This may get you saying well the problem is that you love her – you need to let her go, but it’s not as if I love her and sit waiting for a text or contact or anything like that. I simply am getting over the relationship and there is still some love there, probably for how things were and an ideal version of what we had but I’m not focusing on that. I want better things in my life, a better job, a better set of friends, and a girlfriend who wants to be with me and I understand that these things require energy and effort hence – how to find the strength to get on with your life, meet people and do better. The act of consciously telling myself that she won’t be there won’t actually help me achieve any of these things will it? There is a plan of sorts that I want to put in place but need the money to do so. I haven’t quit my job or given up, I’m fighting for things to be better so that I feel happier. Well I guess what I’m trying to ask is what actual actions should you take? .... I guess I can't tell if I don't want to let go, or if I'm genuinely traumatized from the poor relationship, my poor judgement and the breakup. For god's sake I took her right back without little thought after she cheated on me two months into the relationship. Only because in the beginning I promised to make it work no matter what. And because I was afraid of losing her because of my codependency with her. I don't regret it. At least I didn't until I made some mistakes she didn't care to work through even though she made the same promise to me. Either way, the relationship was extremely intense. And it's the only thing that's been on my mind the past month I haven't spoken with her. No matter what I do, say or think. She is always there..... OK, 2 at once, because it counts, and it matters.... First of all, recognise that you're in mourning. a break-up is exactly like a bereavement - what really sucks, is that the "deceased" - is far from it. You have to allow for the grief to manifest. you have to permit yourself to cry, and never think that, while you do, you 'should' be getting over it, you 'should' be moving on, you'should' be beyond such displays of emotion. Emotions are valid, fine, honest and present. They should be honoured for what they are, what they represent, and what they accomplish. But Emotions are not who you are, and this is evident by how they come and go, rise, fall, change, transform and subtly move along... there will come a time when you will be proverbially sick and tired of feeling like this. THAT'S the moment you can take the opportunity to say to yourself, 'ok, enough's enough... this is being over-done. ' Thoughts manifest in your mind, sometimes unbidden, and unprovoked. They jump uninvited and can affect our whole day. As stated - you have to watch them, and recognise how you yourself keep yourself firmly attached to the concept of the love you had, and how you feel right now. Nobody's asking you to STOP loving her. That's unreasonable. The thing you have to do is not give her priority over your healing. Note that we sometimes cling to pain, because we feel we're entitled to. If the scenarios in your head involve adding imaginary dialogue, or how you wish it had gone, or what you wish you'd said, or even what you wish SHE had said... then you're deliberately sabotaging the healing process, because the heartbreak is creating fantasies, and you're keeping the pain alive. THAT'S what you have to guard against, and prevent. The lies and stories we tell ourselves, which keep it all current, alive and torturous. 1
Author 2muchlove Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 TaraMaiden, Those are some comforting words. Ill give you a couple more scenarios because I've never heard of it with anybody else: She and I were never apart for almost the year straight. Which surprisingly wasn't as big of a problem as many would think. But that obviously meant we ate every meal together. Not only did we do that but we had such passion for food, we always had our spots, we're trying new things, cooking together. And it wasn't an unhealthy habit, we weren't gluttons by any means. But now, when I get hungry I want to eat and I'm eager to eat. But when I start to eat I get nauseous and really upset. Every time. Unless I'm with a group of people that can take my mind off everything. Lame, I know. 2nd. I associate everything with her, even if it had nothing to do with us or our relationship. So I hear a song from 2005 for example, 6 years before I even knew she existed. She often spoke about certain times in her life when it was relevant to the conversation we were having. So What happens? I think about her, when she was that age. I think about what she was doing at the time if the song. Man this all looks so bad reading it. But sadly it's true. Hey 2muchlove, meant to say apologies if I jumped in on this thread. Some good advice and opinions on here though! No apology needed! It's nice to have more contributing. You could be asking questions many people want an answer to. And you're undoubtedly going through the same thing as at least one other person here.
weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I associate everything with her, even if it had nothing to do with us or our relationship i think that's common place right?...for a while?
Author 2muchlove Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I associate everything with her, even if it had nothing to do with us or our relationship i think that's common place right?...for a while? Not sure. I know it's commonplace for me right now. I'm about to be on the largest zip line course in the us, flying through the forest at 60 mph. If that doesn't take my mind off her I'll just have to resort to severing the line and falling to my death. See if that works.
weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Not sure. I know it's commonplace for me right now. I'm about to be on the largest zip line course in the us, flying through the forest at 60 mph. If that doesn't take my mind off her I'll just have to resort to severing the line and falling to my death. See if that works. sounds like a laugh......don't go doing that.....ya nutter..
Author 2muchlove Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 sounds like a laugh......don't go doing that.....ya nutter.. Thankfully I'm not crazy enough to actually do something like that.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 TaraMaiden, Those are some comforting words. Ill give you a couple more scenarios because I've never heard of it with anybody else: I know this feeling: Since meeting my now husband in 2004, we also, have never been apart....That's 8 years of daily contact. She and I were never apart for almost the year straight. ....we had such passion for food, we always had our spots, we're trying new things, cooking together. ... But now, when I get hungry I want to eat and I'm eager to eat. But when I start to eat I get nauseous and really upset. Every time. Unless I'm with a group of people that can take my mind off everything. This is your subconscious playing mind-games - and because you have come to expect it, it now happens regularly. You have programmed yourself to do this - the aversion to food, is a way of keeping her close. you could eat with her, but not without her. When you're with others, they provide the distraction, because common sense tells you that it is a foolish response in the company of others. You are not averse to food - you are averse to eating without her. 2nd. I associate everything with her, even if it had nothing to do with us or our relationship. So I hear a song from 2005 for example, 6 years before I even knew she existed. She often spoke about certain times in her life when it was relevant to the conversation we were having. So What happens? I think about her, when she was that age. I think about what she was doing at the time if the song. Man this all looks so bad reading it. But sadly it's true. Let's just say for example, that for some reason, you made a mistake about the year of her birth. Let's just say that actually, she was born the year after, not the year you have in your mind. What would that do to all your 'recollections'? It would render them a nonsense. You'd almost have to trawl back through your memory bank and amend each memory, because you made a mistake... and you'd have to correct them. That would be really silly, wouldn't it? And yet, here you are doing exactly what I described. Creating scenarios. Self-sabotage, big-time, if ever there was.... here's an exercise. You need to obtain, if you can, a clicker-counter. Keep it in your pocket, and don't remove it. Every time you think of her during the day, click it. But let the thought stay there, don't build on it, don't process it, don't weave a tale, or consider expansion. Go back to what you were doing. Write the day's total down before you go to bed. Prepare to be stunned.... Gradually, you'll find you think of her less and less.... and if you find yourself creating fairy-tales, take a rubber band, that fits well, but is not over-tight, and put it round your wrist. if you find your thoughts expanding to be creative - snap it - HARD - against your inner wrist. Over time, you'll find the thought of NOT thinking about her - preferable to the pain.
Author 2muchlove Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 I know this feeling: Since meeting my now husband in 2004, we also, have never been apart....That's 8 years of daily contact. This is your subconscious playing mind-games - and because you have come to expect it, it now happens regularly. You have programmed yourself to do this - the aversion to food, is a way of keeping her close. you could eat with her, but not without her. When you're with others, they provide the distraction, because common sense tells you that it is a foolish response in the company of others. You are not averse to food - you are averse to eating without her. Let's just say for example, that for some reason, you made a mistake about the year of her birth. Let's just say that actually, she was born the year after, not the year you have in your mind. What would that do to all your 'recollections'? It would render them a nonsense. You'd almost have to trawl back through your memory bank and amend each memory, because you made a mistake... and you'd have to correct them. That would be really silly, wouldn't it? And yet, here you are doing exactly what I described. Creating scenarios. Self-sabotage, big-time, if ever there was.... here's an exercise. You need to obtain, if you can, a clicker-counter. Keep it in your pocket, and don't remove it. Every time you think of her during the day, click it. But let the thought stay there, don't build on it, don't process it, don't weave a tale, or consider expansion. Go back to what you were doing. Write the day's total down before you go to bed. Prepare to be stunned.... Gradually, you'll find you think of her less and less.... and if you find yourself creating fairy-tales, take a rubber band, that fits well, but is not over-tight, and put it round your wrist. if you find your thoughts expanding to be creative - snap it - HARD - against your inner wrist. Over time, you'll find the thought of NOT thinking about her - preferable to the pain. A lot of good advice here. Thanks again taramaiden. I'll have to start applying these techniques. I have a feeling the counter is going to run out of numbers the first couple days.
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