Breakup

[Anastar]

We dated for a year. He told me he loves me, sent me flowers, candy, told me that I'm the most beautiful woman, met his family, said he's never experienced such deep love. Recently I felt that he is pulling away. I tried talking to him casual like, got nowhere... told me he's a one woman man. I created a fake profile and found him as a new member on online dating. I winked he replied. I said I can't date him while he has an active profile... texted him that if he has anything to say to me, he should call; he said it’s a lot to think about. I didn't reply. It’s been 10 days of no contact. I checked his profile; he’s on the site 24/7. Words can't describe my sadness. After three weeks, I was feeling devasted, I texted him saying I miss him and I cant help how I feel, and I still love him. He texted me back casual like asking how i'm doing. I replied that I've been better. I asked him how he was doing, and he texted back OK!. In the evening I textd him saying I miss him saying good night, and he texts me back as if nothing happened like when we we dating, saying the sweet things he used to say. For some reason I became more upset, because I felt as he was humoring me. The next day, I deleted all his old texts and emails, and pictures of us and him. I collected all the things he gave me, some jewelry and a few other things and mailed back to him. I sent him an email about what I did and said that it hurts to much to keep the stuff, and I can't give it away, but I needed to send it back. I said that I'm trying to get over the heartbreak of this relationship. I wished him well, thanked him for the good things he did, and said I love him, but I need to get over him and this was the only way I knew how. I also asked him to remove me from a list of people who could see an online album where we went on a weekend trip to the beach. I said its hurts to much to see it,, and I don't want any reminders. He respected my wish by doing what I asked, but never replied to my email. I still miss him so much, I'm still in a very painful place. I noticed he isn't on the dating site, so maybe he met someone else...who knows. I just can't seem to let go. I am hoping I wasn't wrong about this guy, and he will eventually come around. We shared so much and felt so close. I was thinking in sending him an email two months after the breakup day saying if he's willing to start fresh that I would be agreeable. Is this a bad idea?

[Mike_d]

yes, sending him anything is a bad idea. do not do it. as a guy I'm sorry this guy is suck a d!ck to you, no one deserves this kind of treatment. stay NC and keep posting here, you don't really want this guy back. it'll take some time for you to see it

[weallfalldown]

yea bad idea............you'll end up a fool like me.....

[Anastar]

Thanks for the advice. In moments of weakness I think about breaking NC rule. It's been 6 weeks total, I fell off the wagon three weeks ago, but got right back on. I don't regret it though, I didn't ask him to come back, I just said goodbuy, and thanked him for the good time we had. I understand that for him to come back he would have to accept responsibility for his actions as they related to me and of course that would lead to opening up to a lot of past painful memories that he's managed to avoid all his life, namely his 22 year marriage that ended badly, and even more, like childhood, ect.. Anyway,I still feel crappy and sleep eludes me, but I accept this pain, and I can accept that I will live with it for a long time. I started playing chess online to keep my mind occupied, but its a daily struggle, especially now that he added me to his online chat, and I'm so pathetic that I can't bring myself to hide him for longer than a few hours. Its as if I feel close to him when I see the green button next to his name...ugghhh I wish I was stronger. I just say to myself just for today I wont contact him and that helps me feel better and stronger. I don't think I could say never, but if its one day, I can stick to it, and thats how Ive managed to the last three weeks of no contact. So thanks again...

[Anastar]

I feel so ****ty. I know it was a bad idea but yesterday 7 weeks post break up and one relapse of NC after the first 3 weeks, I caved. I sent him an email at 2 am. Because I lost my job a few days before we broke up and he knew about it. So I was feeling good that I got a job offer and wanted him to know that I'm not so devastated, even though I broke up with him after I found out that he was active on a dating site. So yesterday an old friend came over and started telling me that there's no way he doesn't have feelings for me. So after she left I started missing him as if it was the first day post the BU and I still have trouble sleeping, so at 2 am I wrote him a two sentence email saying that good things started to happen to me and that I got a great job offer that was better in every way then my old job, and that I'm moving to a better house next month, and I also said that I hope that good things are happening to him too. That was it, I didn't say anything else, really it was a happy email. So he answers me back at 5am saying congrats and thats great. Then at 6 am he sends another email asking me when is my start date and if its the same kind of work as I was doing before. So later in the morning I replied briefly to his questions, and it was upbeat. But after that I started to feel progressively worse, and though I deactivated my facebook, I was on my laptop, and someone else in my house had their facebook open, so I peeked at his page, were not friends, but he had a new picture up, and it was of the place where me and him went in June, but this time he probably went with his rebound he found on the dating site. And though there was no one in the picture, just some tourist area, I felt horrible just thinking about it, and imagined that he was having fun enjoying himself, when its still a daily struggle for me to keep myself together. I crashed so bad from the flood of pain that came at me like an avalanche. Then I was picking apart each detail of the email...why did he reply? why did he write a second email asking me my start date and the nature of my work...I'm in a technical field...he knows that already. Like why the frick does he care when I start, and what I do....he's obviously moved on. I feel like ****. I don't feel humiliated, I mean I wrote from a position of power, I mean I just wanted him to know that I'm doing good now, that I'm not broken. I also wanted to see if he cares. But instead, I feel like **** and even more confused than before. Uggghhh....for anyone out there thinking of contacting their ex...please dont, for the few minutes of pleasure, you pay and the result is agonizing pain...all over again. I feel so lost and confused....and all the progress I thought I made...was undone. Because really who gives a **** what he thinks or cares about me now...really it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to me anymore...yet it does. I'm an idiot.

Edited August 16, 2012 by Anastar

[thecoolkid]

I feel so ****ty. I know it was a bad idea but yesterday 7 weeks post break up and one relapse of NC after the first 3 weeks, I caved. I sent him an email at 2 am. Because I lost my job a few days before we broke up and he knew about it. So I was feeling good that I got a job offer and wanted him to know that I'm not so devastated, even though I broke up with him after I found out that he was active on a dating site. So yesterday an old friend came over and started telling me that there's no way he doesn't have feelings for me. So after she left I started missing him as if it was the first day post the BU and I still have trouble sleeping, so at 2 am I wrote him a two sentence email saying that good things started to happen to me and that I got a great job offer that was better in every way then my old job, and that I'm moving to a better house next month, and I also said that I hope that good things are happening to him too. That was it, I didn't say anything else, really it was a happy email. So he answers me back at 5am saying congrats and thats great. Then at 6 am he sends another email asking me when is my start date and if its the same kind of work as I was doing before. So later in the morning I replied briefly to his questions, and it was upbeat. But after that I started to feel progressively worse, and though I deactivated my facebook, I was on my laptop, and someone else in my house had their facebook open, so I peeked at his page, were not friends, but he had a new picture up, and it was of the place where me and him went in June, but this time he probably went with his rebound he found on the dating site. And though there was no one in the picture, just some tourist area, I felt horrible just thinking about it, and imagined that he was having fun enjoying himself, when its still a daily struggle for me to keep myself together. I crashed so bad from the flood of pain that came at me like an avalanche. Then I was picking apart each detail of the email...why did he reply? why did he write a second email asking me my start date and the nature of my work...I'm in a technical field...he knows that already. Like why the frick does he care when I start, and what I do....he's obviously moved on. I feel like ****. I don't feel humiliated, I mean I wrote from a position of power, I mean I just wanted him to know that I'm doing good now, that I'm not broken. I also wanted to see if he cares. But instead, I feel like **** and even more confused than before. Uggghhh....for anyone out there thinking of contacting their ex...please dont, for the few minutes of pleasure, you pay and the result is agonizing pain...all over again. I feel so lost and confused....and all the progress I thought I made...was undone. Because really who gives a **** what he thinks or cares about me now...really it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to me anymore...yet it does. I'm an idiot.

 

Getting back with an ex despite the past really depends on your judgement...

 

But trying to read someone's mind instead of just being direct and straight up

can cause you to become confused and frustrated with the overwhelming

mixture of emotions...

 

If you think there's still a chance, just talk to him. And tell him why you

broke up with him in the first place. Then maybe you guys could work things out.

[Anastar]

Thanks for the reply...but I believe my ex has serious commitment issues, and I do too.

I know that he had a series of rebound relationships after his marriage broke up. Mostly 3-5 months. I'm guessing that the reason why we where involved for two years. Year one we were collegues attracted to each other, year two in a relationship ...is because I enjoyed our once a week dates, and the rest of the time I was free to concentrate on other things...like work and my children. He said that he loves that I can leave him alone and I don't pressure him. But then just when I start to feel that great feeling of being in a committed relationship, and finally begin to trust him, he sabotages the relationship by diluting what we had by going on a dating site. I understand now why he told me that all his family is dying to meet me...they were probably shocked at the duration of our relationship...obviously they know his post marriage breakup pattern. When I met him, I wasnt looking for anyone, I wasnt in control of when we met, or even admit to myself that I was incredibly attracted to him. All I knew is that I was feeling something weird, because I was in a long difficult marriage, I shut off my feelings for years. I had no idea at least in the first few months that I was falling for him. I thought I was done with men forever. Now the end came just as unexpected as the beginning. I feel that if I didn't notice when I fell in love with him and didn't have control over the beginning, why would I have control over the end? It's an illusion...at least I believe that. Just because the end of the relationship is always painful and you see it coming, doesn't mean we have any more control of it than we did in the beginning ...I didn't know I was going to fall so hard for this guy. So why should I tell him now I want him back? I'm sure he knows. I texted him after 3 weeks telling him that I miss him, and I can't help how I feel and I still love him. Isn't that enough...only he knows whats in his heart, and only he can decide if he wants this relationship to work...I told him how I feel, but I didn't tell him what to do about it...that's his choice. I'm done pulling his strings, I want him back if he can stand on his own. I have to respect his decision, even if his decision is undecided....thats still a decision.