Soul_me Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Sorry if the thread title in confusing. I recently am getting over a relationship that was very good, for the most part, but it hurt a lot when it ended since I went all in. What I mean by that is, I gave this relationship all my effort and I tried very hard to make things work out right. The girl I was with was giving me love back as well, but at times it seemed like she wasn't ready for the full commitment, even though she liked me.. So when she ended it by e-mail saying she isn't ready for the commitment and that she just needs to be free for the time being, it hurt very much. Even though she is assuring me that I haven't really done anything wrong and that I shouldn't feel bad, I just feel so hurt because she can't face me in person. I've shown so much love and support and assured her that I can take anything that she tells me, bad or good. But in the end she still decided to do it by e-mail and now we have not talked for a while and I am still having trouble recovering. I am a positive person and I am very loving and caring. But now I am second guessing myself. I am not ready to date another girl or even her again yet, because I am afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone. I kind of feel like I don't want to give all my effort and not be so lovey dubby, that way I won't get too hurt or feel to much pain if it ends. Do you guys have any opinions on that? If it is sensible or just crazy? I've been really up and down these past few weeks since the break up. This girl was the first girl I felt truly like there was a long future with. The way she would assure me we would be together for a long time and she has never met a man so great as me. But then again, I see lots of girls out there with boyfriends who are just in the relationship for sex and wild times, yet they end up sticking together longer than couples that go all in on love.
InJest Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Definitely don't go all-in early on. I match the effort of the other person, and may put myself out there a bit if I want to push things further, but I like to make sure my efforts are matched in some way.
Xestenz Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I just learned in the hardest way to be very wary of going 'all in' with your heart. Was a bit naive getting back into dating (okay, really naive!) coming out of a ten year marriage, found a woman that I really liked and who seemed to really like me. Things moved fast, but it seemed in a good way. Just followed my heart and went with the flow. She led much of the dance, called us 'soulmates' and saying that she's 'never had a connection like this before!', etc. Met her family, introduced our kids, helped her dad with his business dealings, etc. Then, right at the five month mark -- boom! Gone. Just like that. I've never been more devastated (I know -- I've had a good easy life!) In retrospect, I was a rebound from her own marriage (even though it had been over for 1.5 years) and she was never really available to me. There were a ton of clues, but leading with my heart, I paid attention only to the good things. I know so much more now. I will NEVER make this mistake again. I will pay attention to the signs, be honest with myself and with her always, and make decisions that are ultimately right for me -- because I know now that they will leave in a heartbeat without consideration for you, regardless of who you are or what you've done for them, if they feel it is better for them.
FitChick Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Don't fall madly in love if you don't know someone. That is basically just your own romantic fantasy. However, once you've realized through experience that the other person is your soulmate or whatever you 'd call it, you should make every effort to sustain and grow the relationship. That's called mature love. If you split up, at least you won't torture yourself with "If only I'd done this or said that, it might have worked out." You will know you did everything possible, so at least will have a clear conscience. Otherwise, just have one night stands. There are no guarantees in life.
PJKino Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I usually try to somewhat match the other persons interest wheter thats a relationship or friendship.. I never understood loving or obsessing over someone who doesnt reciprocate
proseandpassion Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 It's always a gamble. I never hold back, ever. I've been hurt many, many times. I've had misunderstandings, miscommunications. I've been left alone. Always, always in love.... you go all in. There is no other way. You're denying yourself one of life's most beautiful experiences if you don't. 1
KungFuJoe Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 It's best not to think about these kinds of things. Just go with your gut.
Titania22 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I match the effort of the other person, and may put myself out there a bit if I want to push things further, but I like to make sure my efforts are matched in some way. People my not agree with me but I say its best not to go all in. What I mean by this is never force a relationship to work. Live as you please and be who you are. If the girl wants to stick around then great and if she doesn't too bad. Looking back, the break ups that hurt me the most were the ones when I changed things about myself to please the girl. The ones where I was just myself were a lot less painful when they ended. I agree with these statements, in that a person should match their effort with the other person, and definitely shouldn't change themselves to please some else, or try to force something to work that just isn't. I would not equate these things with the sentiment of going all in, which is why I agreed with proseandpassion. I took going all in to mean NOT purposely inhibiting your natural loving emotions when they arise, and NOT putting walls up that inhibit good communication and the bonding process. I also agree with InJests thoughts of putting yourself a little bit out there to push things further. There is a difference between being brave and letting the person feel your interest, and totally bowling them over with it (and getting wrapped up in a fantasy about who they might be). Going all in, could also refer to not looking for other options. 1
proseandpassion Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Its a tough call. I knew my ex for over a year before we dated, and had a crush on her for about 5 months. I went all out and really was happy until the end. Now, I'm somewhat regretting it over how hurt I am. Was it right when I knew her and already had feeling for her. I still think yes. Would I do it again with another girl? No See, this stinks. This attitude above. I feel like many men I know have suffered one horrific heartbreak and they never truly get over it. You'll be endlessly frustrating for many girls in the future... you have to let yourself heal, yes.. but don't become cynical. Not every girl will hurt you. Not every relationship will end in tragedy.
Titania22 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Its a tough call. I knew my ex for over a year before we dated, and had a crush on her for about 5 months. I went all out and really was happy until the end. Now, I'm somewhat regretting it over how hurt I am. Was it right when I knew her and already had feeling for her. I still think yes. Would I do it again with another girl? No This is something I just don't understand, and have heard similar expressed by many men. Breakups and heartache hurt both men and women. Why is it that some people (such as myself), feel that is just the price we pay to experience something wonderful, and will happily pay it again and again, and other people (such as this poster), would rather skip the wonderful experience just to avoid the pain at the end? Could someone please try to explain this to me?
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