lookforward Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 (edited) My partnerhas just left me, although he says he didn't want to - I left him with no other option. It all started when he got onto my laptop. He found that I had previously had a casual relationship with a male friend whohad not wanted to commit to me (but had always been open with me about that -guess it was my own fault I didn't tell him to sling it). I had stayed friendswith this man and we turned things around, and had built up a good and trustingfriendship. So when my partner got sulky, I mentioned it to this friend in anemail, and asked whetherI should confront him or leave him alone. I know thiswas a mistake. I was off work following some eye surgery at the time, bored andlonely, and wanting to chat to someone - not that that's an excuse. I didn't tell my partner about my history with my friend for various reasons but notbecause I was keeping him as a back up. I'd never been in the position of describinghim as anything other than a friend. I'd accepted that it wasn't going tohappen, and had decided to focus on the platonic friendship and wanted to moveon. I was also embarrassed about the way I'd let this friend treat me in thepast. I wasn't deliberately keeping it from my partner but I'd only been withhim a few months when he found the emails and at that point I hadn't felt readyto talk about my weaknesses and mistakes with him. Kind of ironic really An additional factor was that this friend had become fascinated with DerrenBrown and NLP and how you could use NLP to subconciously improve communication- especially with the opposite sex. I've got a personal interest in languageand a good few concerns about my own communication with men, so I had discussedit with him, in a lighthearted way. My partner became convinced that I was in love with my friend and was not incontrol of my actions as I was being manipulated by his use of NLP. He startedto comb my laptop and "test" me on my honesty by quizzing me on mypast, and getting very angry when he found things he didn't like. UnfortunatelyI had done some online dating before I met him, and was rather embarrassedabout it. I just went for drinks with people, but he won't believe that. I haveto admit I was probably on the rebound and it was a time of my life when I wasfeeling quite rebellious and had one or two more naughty chats with people thanI had ever dared to before, but I was not a whore, I did not meet anyone forsex and I didn't actually have sex with any of them except one who I reallyliked and who I ended up dating for a few months. The more mypartner found, and accused me of being a slut, the more afraid I became and themore I tried to hide, deny, or lie about things. He begged me to delete mypast, but I didn't feel able to get rid of all my memories and in some cases mypartner found ways of finding things I thought I'd deleted :S He sees dating more than one person at once "playing people off against eachother". My partner also deduced from email conversations he'd found that Iwas a player because there were "One or two people I liked in my city butnothing had happened yet, just flirting" and I was "enjoying thesingle life". The end of my previous long term relationship was verylong-drawn-out and on-off for a while, and my partner found an indication thatI had flirted with someone at work during that time, and says that makes me a cheat. He says he cannot tell me how much I have hurthim, I made him ill, made him not know what to believe, think he was going insane. I am not the person he thought I was when we met. Basically he feels that I have totally broken his trust, and I just can't understand how it could all go so wrong. I feel that I have destroyed what should have been the happiest relationship of my life. I made a mistake in not telling my partner about my history with mymale friend from the start, and by talking to my friend so openly. But I have NEVER cheated on my partner. I love him and I miss him so much. I really needto know if anyone else has had a similar experience and if there is any way ofcommunicating with my partner, of helping him understand why I lied etc. Or is it all hopeless? People tell me he was abusive, but I am insecure myself(although I have never gone through anyone's stuff, and even when my partnerleft his phone at home by mistake, I couldn't go through it) and can empathisewith his fear. I feel that I have been assessed, and judged as a slut and a cheat and aplayer,and I am mortified and want to clear my name. But I have nagging doubtsabout that maybe it's all my fault and therefore my responsibility to help my partner. Can anyone pleasegive me some perspective??? Thanks Edited August 7, 2012 by lookforward formatting errors
Ruby65 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Well, you complained to your ex-FWB about your current bf and he found out about it. That's a pretty huge breach of trust. You might not have been flirting or intending to hook up with your ex-FWB, but you were emotionally unfaithful. You can use this in the future for whether your behavior is appropriate or not: if you wouldn't do it, say it or write it in front of your bf, it's cheating. Personally, if I was your ex-bf, I would've walked away as well. Especially because once he discovered the emails, you said you'd delete them and you didn't. I'd use this as a learning experience. Maybe if you give him some time and then approach him and genuinely apologize and try to work things out, he'll be more receptive? But definitely get rid of that old FWB -- and get rid of those old emails! Print them out and put them away in a box somewhere if you must hold on to them.... but get them off your computer and out of your life! Have you tried reaching out to your ex-bf yet?
Author lookforward Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I immediately deleted all the email between me and the friend and cut off all contact with him, and avoided places where I could run into him. It was a genuine error of judgement and I have apologise sincerely ever since it happened.
weallfalldown Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 you took the piss with that email, and by even talking to that other guy, i don't blame your NOW EX!!!..that will teach you.
Mike_d Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 so you emotionally cheated on the guy, take exception to his behav after trying to keep it from him, then you continue to lie and decieve further when he asks you to come clean? ya, you did destroy But I have NEVER cheated on my partner.bulls!!t I feel that I have been assessed, and judged as a slut and a cheat and aplayer,and I am mortified and want to clear my name.sounds pretty spot on to me, good luck with that name clearing thing, you have some work to do lol, sounds vaguely familiar somehow to me too... dunno why /bitter
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