Possible visit to a strip club...

[venusianx13]

My boyfriend is going to a bachelor party this weekend, and I didn't have any nervousness about it until today. He told me details of the party that I didn't know before, and I asked him if he thought they might end up at a strip club. He said that the bachelor himself is not into that, but he doesn't know about the other guys. If they all get drunk enough, they might end up at one, he's not sure. He told me he doesn't like them, finds them to be skeevy, etc. At this point in the conversation I told him that I won't ever tell him what he can or can't do, but that it would really bother me if he ended up at one. I don't like anything about them and having worked in law enforcement, I *know* what goes on at them behind the scenes.

 

I trust my boyfriend, but this possibility has me upset. He posed to me, "Well, you would make me wait outside if they ended up at one?" No, I don't suppose that would be fair. He did say, "If we end up at one, I hope you'd trust me that I wouldn't do anything improper." That's just it; I think it's improper to BE at one if you're in a serious relationship (unless the woman indicates she's perfectly okay with it.) Well, I'm not one of those women.

 

I'm feeling pretty upset now about this, but I am doing my best to keep my composure and not put him in a position where he may opt out of the evening (I want him to go). Am I allowed to express to him, simply, that I am not okay with my partner going to a strip club? I would never ask him to not go just because they *might* end up at a strip club, but I can tell you that I will certainly be hurt if he ends up at one. Very hurt. The kind of hurt that might take a few days to get over, and I don't want that for our relationship.

 

I'm at a loss... I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and don't see any compromise as realistic. Ideas? I'm well aware that I'll be met with opposition on this from posters, and that's fine. I'm looking for unbiased insight. I will say, however, that he is the best man I've ever been in a relationship with. I've had dilemmas in the past over my bf's going to strip clubs, and I didn't give a second thought to telling them I'd leave them if they went, but that's probably because those relationships were pretty crappy to begin with. This relationship is far from crappy, and I want to do my best to preserve it.

[KungFuJoe]

Strip clubs are harmless IMO. He doesn't have to get a lap dance. Make sure you are honest with how you feel and that he understands.

 

I don't want to see a follow up thread to this one with you saying "my bf went to a strip club and so and so happened and I'm upset!"

 

Set limits and boundaries with what you are comfortable with. If he cares about you he shouldn't have a problem going to a strip club but not getting a lap dance.

 

Although I also think lap dances are harmless and I have no problem with my partners getting one, I know not everyone will share in this opinion.

 

Also, going to a strip club for a bachelor party is like the MOST innocent thing you can do.

[Negative Nancy]

If I was you I would hire a private investigator to see if he's cheating on you in there, because with tons of booze and probably being cheered on by his sleazy friends, it actually IS very likely that he will end up cheating on you, it's just how 99% of men are.

 

Don't hate the messenger, I'm just telling it like it is.

[Mme. Chaucer]

99% of guys are not sleazy cheaters.

 

Personally, I would suck it up if they ended up in a strip club. Maybe talk to your bf about your boundaries regarding lap dances … which would NOT be okay with me.

 

For the record, boyfriends or husbands hanging out in strip clubs aren't okay with me either, but a bachelor party is a one-time deal and I don't think this would necessarily be a battle worth taking a big stand on.

[InJest]

Well, I can tell you from the warning, that they will, without doubt end up at a strip club.

 

You either have to suck it up and pout for a couple days, have him wait outside the strip club, or break up with him.

[jobaba]

You're overreacting.

 

Just about every one of my married friends ended up at a strip club for his bachelor party, and my crowd is by no means a party crowd. Far from it.

 

If he's not a strip club guy, his night will consist of drinking beer, joking around with buddies and watching naked women walk by. When I've been to a strip club, I rarely get lap dances. And most of those times, I've been single.

 

Strip clubs are nowhere near as seedy and illegal as women make them out to be. I've been over 50 times and not ONCE have I initiated going there. To get all of the sexually explicit stuff, you really have to initiate AND be in the right place.

 

And if your BF is the type to do that, you didn't really know him anyway.

[jobaba]

FYI ... for any woman who is dating a man who says they have never been to a strip club and would never do such a thing and they are an attractive, normal guy...

 

That is even MORE of a red flag because if means they are lying out their AZZ...

[venusianx13]

I've met most of my boyfriend's friends, and they are good people. I know for sure that the bachelor is not a strip-club type guy at all, but there are a few guys going who I'm not familiar with, so this is where the variable comes in...

 

Comparatively, my ex boyfriend WAS a sleazy cheater, and his friends were as well. As an individual, my current boyfriend is a class act, and what reinforces my feeling about him is his group of friends. They are all great people. This is something I've learned is important, and a good indicator as to what kind of character a person has (i.e. similar to the company they keep.)

 

It wasn't a warning, it just came up, via me. The idea popped into my head, and it was an "Oh no, what if..." I don't think he'd cheat on me there, or anywhere else. It's just that the idea of him being surrounded by scantily-clad, dancing women makes me feel really uncomfortable. And he should understand...a couple of months ago, a girlfriend of mine wanted me to go to a dance club with her. He told me he was nervous about the "desirous men" who would also be at the club. A little difference in the anaology,but same premise...

 

I don't want to put up a fight with him on this because it is one of his closest friend's bachelor parties, and he SHOULD be there to support him. It would be wrong of me to jeopardize that. I told him I cannot help how him ended up at a strip club would make me feel, though. I don't want him to feel like I am punishing him if he does end up going to one... he stated clearly to me that it wouldn't be something he chose to do, and I believe him. That's why this is so hard.

[venusianx13]

FYI ... for any woman who is dating a man who says they have never been to a strip club and would never do such a thing and they are an attractive, normal guy...

 

That is even MORE of a red flag because if means they are lying out their AZZ...

 

 

He's been once or twice in his younger days. Adamant that he doesn't enjoy them. I didn't care that he'd been to them in the past.

[InJest]

It definitely would be something he chose to do. He sounds like a good guy from what you said, but you can't absolve him of responsibility for his actions either. If he goes, it is his choice. Maybe not his desire, but certainly his choice. I think you should suck it up though. Maybe just ask him not to call you until next week sometime, and just take some time to yourself and hang out with your friends and try not to think about it.

[jobaba]

I

 

It wasn't a warning, it just came up, via me. The idea popped into my head, and it was an "Oh no, what if..." I don't think he'd cheat on me there, or anywhere else. It's just that the idea of him being surrounded by scantily-clad, dancing women makes me feel really uncomfortable. And he should understand...a couple of months ago, a girlfriend of mine wanted me to go to a dance club with her. He told me he was nervous about the "desirous men" who would also be at the club. A little difference in the anaology,but same premise...

 

 

I'll paint the picture for you and then I will let you decide.

 

At a normal, higher end strip club where most guys go for their bachelor parties, you get a table, which consists of a ridiculous amount of money spent for cheap liquor. One or two women are up on the stage dancing. The other women who are not dancing are circulating over to the group of guys and then asking them if they want private dances, costing anywhere from 20 to 30 bucks.

 

Depending on the bachelor party I've been at, about HALF the married guys get lap dances. Sometimes more. But like you said, it depends on the company you keep. I was out with another group of guys, and not a single one got a lap dance, not even the single dudes.

 

The women in these establishments, especially the higher end ones, just want $. They could care less about me, or your man, or a Brad Pitt lookalike for the most part. So, everything involving touching MUST BE INITIATED BY THE MAN.

 

In other words, your man either 'is' a strip club guy or he 'ain't'. Being actually in the place will make no difference because to get any kind of action, he is going to have to make the move and pony over the dough.

[venusianx13]

Okay, I've gotten a wide array of responses... but I'll be adamant that I won't force an ultimatum on him, that would be wrong and I could see it being very bad for our relationship. It would also show him that I don't trust him. I do indeed trust him, and he deserves my trust...whereas in the past, the men I was with DID NOT deserve my trust, so maybe I'm just jaded here...

 

Well, I may not be all smiles about it or jump him when he gets back, but I'm going to suck it up and trust in him. If I'm a little pissy, it's not punishment, it's just...well, like jobaba said, I can't absolve him of all responsibility. However, it's his friend's bachelor party and I want him to be there. However, if he were to ever go by choice or for fun, I'd have no hesitation in dumping him... and he knows that.

[Negative Nancy]

Trust me on this one! Do not budge or compromise your morals. Bad things happen in strip clubs. The men are drinking a lot. Naked girls jump on their laps and push their boobs in their face and ask for a lap dance for $20. It is cheating plain and simple. My husband went to strip clubs behind my back and now I can't sleep at night. I have images of naked girls' boobs in my husband's face and I am on anxiety meds now. It has damaged our marriage. Google what a lap dance is. A naked stripper sits on your guy's lap and grinds his crotch until he gets hard or even a happy ending. Strip clubs are bad. What do you think your boyfriend will be thinking when he watches some nasty chick take her clothes off? He will be thinking of having sex with her and not you.

 

Exactly my point.

 

Ask your boyfriend if he is okay with you having some naked male stripper grinding on you and rubbing his d*** in your face. I can already predict the answer.

[yongyong]

I thought, in America, even a future groom can bang a chick before the marriage?

[jobaba]

Okay, I've gotten a wide array of responses... but I'll be adamant that I won't force an ultimatum on him, that would be wrong and I could see it being very bad for our relationship. It would also show him that I don't trust him. I do indeed trust him, and he deserves my trust...whereas in the past, the men I was with DID NOT deserve my trust, so maybe I'm just jaded here...

 

Well, I may not be all smiles about it or jump him when he gets back, but I'm going to suck it up and trust in him. If I'm a little pissy, it's not punishment, it's just...well, like jobaba said, I can't absolve him of all responsibility. However, it's his friend's bachelor party and I want him to be there. However, if he were to ever go by choice or for fun, I'd have no hesitation in dumping him... and he knows that.

 

The bigger issue for you is that when and if you do get married to this man or some other man, he probably will have a bachelor party too. And then he probably will get MANY lap dances whether he's a strip club guy or not because his buddies will pay for them. So women really will be rubbing their privates in his crotch.

 

Now ... that day is the TRUE day of reckoning ...

 

Most of my buddies wives have turned the other cheek in this situation. Don't ask, don't tell. But if my fiance said no lap dances for my BP, I'd be OK with that.

[pteromom]

Not a big deal.

 

Best case scenario: He goes, is perfectly well-behaved, and comes home happy to show you love.

 

Worst case scenario: He goes, sleeps with a stripper, and when you find out, you realize that he isn't who you thought he was, and you can move on and find someone trustworthy.

 

I don't get being jealous about looking at other women. I look at guys, but I certainly wouldn't sleep with them. I just enjoy looking. It's natural.

[Ninjainpajamas]

;)

 

To be fair...women are just as freakin raunchy. When women get around hot half-naked guys their all hooting and hollering like freakazoids. I mean c'mon at least men don't act like Justin Beiber fans over a naked girl that has a body that's typically much hotter than average girl while mr half flabby in speedos that looks just a little better than the average guy If that is getting all kinds of cheers.

 

The difference maker is alcohol. It can get you to do some pretty stupid things especially depending on the environment and present company. And trust me ladies, never judge a book by it's cover...just like the sweet innocent looking girl can be the biggest whore while the girl that looks like a whore is just an attention whore instead of a penis whore is the same damn thing with Mr. conservative getting a taste of the forbidden fruit and going buck wild while guys you think are promiscuous are more concerned with their health and thinking "Screw that, I'm not putting my mouth on that!".

 

Anyway, strip clubs to me are a pretty bad place. I've always seen/heard pretty much more than nudity happening in almost every case...hidden cameras? not sure it works that way in California, honestly I didn't even know there was a rule against touching strippers in my early 20's from what I had seen, didn't even cross my mind...these women are very hands on...they want your money and men are stupid and easy to push their buttons, and they're masters at that...It's actually quite entertaining to see them manipulate men out of their money even though it's completely obvious why they're acting that way, guess they don't care.

 

At any rate relationships are about trust...If he feels like he's not putting himself in a dangerous situation and he can control himself and you should be able to trust him then unless you're going to try and force him not to do it you've simply got to trust that he's not like many of the others guys who are willing to take it even further...bottom line is it's more a test, If he's this kind of a guy it's likely going to show somewhere along the way...you can't keep a man from cheating by forcing him out of situations that may lead him to do it, that's up to him and that's the mans decision...If he's going to do it or willing to do then that's what he's going to do, he's already had his mind made up before hand in spite of telling you whatever he tells you.

 

If you can't trust him and he goes anyway then that's just going inhibit the relationship and maybe you should start questioning your compatibility and values rather than trying to change someone or force someone to make decisions you need him to...he needs to feel the same way about it that you do, if not you've got to reach a middle ground compromise and there has to be trust.

 

Tell him if he goes that you're going to trust him...trust him not to embarrass you or the relationship by getting lap dances and indulging in these women other than with your eyes. That you're not going to keep him from going, you're just going to simply trust him and hope that you don't find out otherwise that he is not trustworthy because you would feel extremely hurt and it would change the relationship.

 

And that's all you can do...lay out the consequences, tell him how you feel about it, tell him you're going to trust him and let him do it anyway and wish him a good time. Because ultimately you're not going to change someone or keep them from doing anything.

 

Men love boobies and naked women...that will not ever change, however there's a difference in a man when he feels that actually engaging in infidelity behavior is worth the sacrifice of what he has with you. And some men are simply unable to do that. You've got to decide what you want instead of imposing your rules on a man, it'll never work just leave you hurt and disappointed I'm sure you learned a lot about that with your past relationship OP.

 

But you don't keep men faithful by giving them ultimatums, you just put them in a corner that won't lead to anything positive for your relationship.

[Negative Nancy]

BUT the fact remains...

he is an enviroment that involves sexy woman strutting their NAKED bodies to these horny men. MEN ARE GOING TO LOOK, and that is what I do NOT like. because they will be thinking about sexual things in relation to another woman.

 

it's disrespectful.

 

Exactly how I feel. Even if they don't touch they will be getting sexually aroused by naked women. At some strip clubs there are 50+ naked strippers circulating the club hopping on guys' laps and begging for lap dances. The guys are drinking and have boobs right in their face. What do you think is going to happen? I do believe that most guys do have lap dances and lie to their girlfriend or wife about it.

 

Exactly how I feel too. Reading threads like this one makes me think no man is worth getting seriously involved with, in the end they are all going to turn out the same anyway.

[kaylan]

I personally wouldnt like to go to a strip club for my bachelor party...and probably wouldnt plan on it unless the boys already put it all together.

 

Id let them have their fun...but it wouldnt do anything for me. The one time Ive been to a strip club I was very much turned off. Not because the women werent attractive, but because I dont have respect for women whos only asset is their body. Plus Im above spending money for sexual entertainment and fun. I can get that from women for free...why waste cash?

 

Its possible your bf is like me and isnt the typical male who goes there to grab ass and get lap dances. As long as he knows the boundaries of your relationship and respects you, then you have no problem OP. And If I was him, I wouldnt have the girls all in my face or rubbing on me. Id have you for that.

 

Id rather just go to a really upscale night club myself.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I beg to differ with those who say it's "disrespectful" to his wife or girlfriend for a man to feel sexually aroused if he is in the presence of sexy naked strutting women.

 

It's pretty much … biology.

 

If a man is seeking out such situations actively, that I would consider, probably, to be disrespectful to the relationship.

 

OP - if you are NOT going to issue an ultimatum (I wouldn't), then the only option you really have is to figure out how to deal with it.

 

If he is classy and trustworthy, as you say he is, then you don't have to make concerns about such things a big deal in your relationship.

[brahmabull117]

Exactly how I feel too. Reading threads like this one makes me think no man is worth getting seriously involved with, in the end they are all going to turn out the same anyway.

 

 

Uh, just because guys are having a stripper dance in front of them doesn't mean they're going to bang them. You realize you can't even touch the strippers at most places right? If you're going to feel bad about a man going to a strip club, you should probably ban him from looking at porn as well. Both are harmless entertainment

 

 

Anyways, I don't care for strip joints - it's just a giant waste of money and great way to get blue balls. In this case though, it's just for a Bachelor party so who cares? If he was going to a strip joint because he wanted to see some tits by himself then I would be worried. This is nothing more than guys being guys

 

 

Strippers don't f*ck their "clients" and a guy going to a Bachelor party is no big deal

[kaylan]

This is a dilemma I face also. He is going to one this weekend and I told him point blank I do not approve but won't tell him what to do. He said that it is harmless and he never gets a lap dance.

BUT the fact remains...

he is an enviroment that involves sexy woman strutting their NAKED bodies to these horny men. MEN ARE GOING TO LOOK, and that is what I do NOT like. because they will be thinking about sexual things in relation to another woman.

 

it's disrespectful.

Im gonna agree with this.

 

Especially since most dudes would be insecure as hell, and throwing a fit if their girlfriends started going to ChippenDales all the time to see hot beefcakes.

[brahmabull117]

Im gonna agree with this.

 

Especially since most dudes would be insecure as hell, and throwing a fit if their girlfriends started going to ChippenDales all the time to see hot beefcakes.

 

 

 

This ain't all the time though. It's just a one time thing for a Bachelor party and it's not even his idea - it's for a friend from what I gather

 

 

 

I wouldn't care about my GF going to a Bachelorette party where they will order a stripper

[RickyLovesLucy]

This is a dilemma I face also. He is going to one this weekend and I told him point blank I do not approve but won't tell him what to do. He said that it is harmless and he never gets a lap dance.

BUT the fact remains...

he is an enviroment that involves sexy woman strutting their NAKED bodies to these horny men. MEN ARE GOING TO LOOK, and that is what I do NOT like. because they will be thinking about sexual things in relation to another woman.

 

it's disrespectful.

I completely agree that it is disrespectful for a married man to go to a strip club for the reasons you describe. Dating is more complicated; I would suppose it would depend on the couple.

 

What are you going to do?

[KungFuJoe]

Do you also change the channel if some scantily clad women appears in a commercial? Is he not allowed to watch R rated movies that might have boobies?