Need some advice ...badly

[rkpeagle]

I don't have anyone else to talk to this about so I'm hoping I can get some feedback.

 

I've been in a LDR for 4 years, we are both 24 years old. Everything was going fine until around January, when her parents decided they wanted to get a divorce and its been a struggle since. This is what she's been going through since:

 

-Mom is suicidal over the divorce so she is very clingy with my GF and wants her daughter around all the time.

-Her dad is dating some lady who my GF hates and her dad is nowhere to be found in her life anymore, he's practically chose his GF over his own daughter.

-She's working three jobs to help pay off her loans and still is barely making enough money to get by.

-Her best friend has been diagnosed with Lupus.

-Her Dad owns the house that my gf and her mom are living in and are unable to get a their own house there due to financial issues while her Dad is off living at his GF house.

-Her mom is just basically a complete wreck and my gf is the only child still living at home so she is taking it the hardest since she has to be in the middle of it.

 

Basically, my GF's life has been extremely difficult and she's been slowly becoming numb. I felt like I wasn't getting the attention I needed because I'm an idiot and did not realize how much pain she was going through so I decided that its best for my GF and I to take a break because honestly I felt like she was not dealing with her depression properly and letting it consume her which was in turn affecting us.

 

I quickly realized how stupid a break is and changed my mind within a day. I called her and she was still heartbroken over the break but said she realized that she needed to work on herself which hurt but its what I wanted I guess.

 

The next day, she calls me to ask how I"m doing and I said I feel like **** and that I miss you. She basically said the same thing which is that she needs time to pull herself together.

 

This past Saturday, I just hated myself for doing this to her and decided that I was going to make a surprise visit to her house which is about a 9 hour drive. About halfway there, she found out that I was coming and was upset that she had no say in the matter. I had told her that I would turn around and go back but she said no.

 

I arrive at her house and I start confessing as to why I'm an idiot and that I know I messed up. She says to me that I can't just expect things will be fixed with just me coming up there which I understood but the whole point was to show her how far I"m willing to go for her and how much I love her. She says she loves me as a person and would do anything for me. After our conversation, she said she was going to bed. I told her I would go find a hotel and drive back in the morning in which she responded by saying that she's not that mean.

 

So I grabbed my bags, started to make my way to the other room but she stopped me and said I could sleep in the bed with her but was not allowed to cuddle with her or any of that. The next morning, I start packing and she doesn't tell me to leave so I end up staying another day. Basically, we hang the entire day, but don't do anything intimate. Later that night we're just laying in bed watching TV and start reminiscing about everything we've done together and then go to bed in which I give her a massage, put my arm around her and such but she wasn't really responding to it but she also wasn't pushing me away.

 

The next morning, I get ready to leave and she notices that I"m upset which I always am when I leave her since we live so far away. She didn't seem too bothered by it but she rested her head on my shoulders and said she just needed time. Fast forward, I'm getting ready to get in my car, I give her a hug and she just gives me a quick peck on the lips and tells me that I just need time again. So as I'm leaving the driveway, I tell her that I love her.

 

About 2 hours into my trip, I get a text saying that she does love me but she just needs time in which I responded that I am more then willing to give you the time you need and I'll work on myself too in the process. I arrive home, shoot her a text saying I made it home safely, she just responds by saying she's still at work which was kind of upsetting to me but I guess thats part of giving her space.

 

Now, we have not talked since that text and its just bothering me I guess. I"m just unsure how this is going to end. Basically, I don't want this break that I originally thought I wanted but she wants it now and its driving me crazy because I'm getting all this negative responses on how breaks dont fix anything.

 

I know nobody here can truly know but I"m just looking for some insight. I made some mistakes with her that I should have not made and I"m really regretting everything. I'm just lost and us not talking is just causing me a lot of pain because I"m just scared that I screwed up and am going to lose her. One of her concerns is that the distance was finally getting to her and thats where I screwed up. I honestly got so caught up in my career that I just overlooked that maybe it was time to get engaged because I just lost track of what was important and kept making up excuses. She took off the promise ring I had got her on our two year anniversary, but she still sleeps with this old shirt of mine and has my pictures still up in her room.

 

Sorry for the extremely long post.

Edited August 7, 2012 by rkpeagle

[Janesays]

A couple that is in it for the long haul allows tragedy to bring them together. She might be feeling that you abandoned her in her time of need. Particularly after seeing what her Mother is going through, she might be very sensitive to red flags like this. Personally, someone who breaks up with me because I'm going through a bad time does not get to come crawling back later.

[rkpeagle]

I guess I should clarify that she didn't really tell me how bad things were because she thought I couldn't handle it.

 

From what I understand, her mother has been dealing with severe depression for years which caused her father to supposedly cheat because her mother just shut herself down and was not intimate. They have not slept in the same bed in almost 3 years before they filed for divorce in January. I just had concerns that my GF was going down that same path and she was oblivious to it but that was before I truly knew how much was going on. I found out her mom was losing her job when I went to visit her this past Saturday.

 

I didn't just decide on the break like that, she had asked if I wanted one way back in January in which I told her no. She's been dealing with a lot her whole life and I've been extremely supportive since I started dating her. It just got to the point, I felt like she was shutting me out. This whole thing started on Tuesday when I could not get in touch with her and didn't until Wednesday morning in which I was so upset, anxiety ridden that I asked for the break because I felt it was just irresponsible to not give me a heads up. But, I wasn't thinking and pulled the trigger too fast which is something that I personally need to work on. However, she said it herself that she's so emotionally tired that she almost fell sleep a couple of times while driving home from work and thats why I was so worried that she may have gotten into a car accident.

 

It's just so frustrating to me that we've been through so much and this stupid divorce may be our downfall. We are perfectly fine when we are together prior to Saturday, we tried to see each other at the longest being every 3 months.

 

I mean she has a lot on her plate and I"m having to deal with a mother who hates her and constantly trashes her every single time she gets a chance which is why its been so difficult for me to propose to her because I"m still stuck at home due to job hunting. I just felt like the end to this LDR was coming and I did not realize until now how selfish I have been with postponing us moving in together. I was just so focused on our financial situation and wanted us to live comfortably but its not worth it if it means I lose her in the process.

Edited August 7, 2012 by rkpeagle

[meeji]

the best thing hog can do is give her the space that she is requesting. Don't smoother the girl just because you are afraid of loosing her. If she loves you, she's not going anywhere. Let her know that you are there for get and that she came come to anytime she needs to. It's okay to contact her every once in a while but the last thing you want is to become another stressor in her life. Don't constantly pester her about your relationship status. She will let know when she is ready to talk about it.

 

You have to have faith that she will find her way. You have to have faith on whatever bond you guys have already established. The hardest thing to do is wait. I know you don't want to hear that and it sucks....

 

I hope it works out for you. It sounds like the odds are on your favor

[rkpeagle]

That's the soundest advice I've gotten, thanks. It's just difficult cause I film weddings for a living and have to work with couples to help make their day special.

 

I definitely see where I need to change and should have been there more for her. I've been giving her the space she needs so I'm hoping it all works out.

[justwhoiam]

The following is my personal insight.

 

Everything was going fine until around January, when her parents decided they wanted to get a divorce and its been a struggle since.

...

I felt like I wasn't getting the attention I needed because I'm an idiot and did not realize how much pain she was going through so I decided that its best for my GF and I to take a break because honestly I felt like she was not dealing with her depression properly and letting it consume her which was in turn affecting us.

You created a serious disconnect. Instead of being the man by her side (who you were not physically already, because yours is a LDR), you decided she had to deal with her problems and solve them on her own in order to be fine with you afterwards. You can guess the effect this had on her.

 

I quickly realized how stupid a break is and changed my mind within a day. I called her and she was still heartbroken over the break but said she realized that she needed to work on herself which hurt

She managed the disconnect the way she could, after - I'm sure - a lot of thinking. There's nothing worse than being pushed away when you're in love.

 

This past Saturday, I just hated myself for doing this to her and decided that I was going to make a surprise visit to her house which is about a 9 hour drive. About halfway there, she found out that I was coming and was upset that she had no say in the matter. I had told her that I would turn around and go back but she said no.

So, you decide to go there without even telling her. A man in love can go wrong, and be impulsive, thinking he will lose her... But then you do something even worse, you tell her you can turn the car and drive back home in the blink of an eye. You are creating a dangerous pattern being a yo-yo. What's worse than that when she already is so emotional, especially right now. Instead of being the man she can count on, you're just being a dangerous, unwanted yo-yo. What good can you be to her. Stop acting like that. I'm not saying you have to impose yourself, because that would be wrong too, but once you make a decision, go for it, be a man. You could have said: I'm coming no matter what, because I care about you and I care for you. You don't have to meet me if you don't want to, I can talk to you through the door, or you can just ignore me if you think that's what I deserve. But I'm coming anyway,

 

I arrive at her house and I start confessing as to why I'm an idiot and that I know I messed up. She says to me that I can't just expect things will be fixed with just me coming up there

She made a point. Message: you can't do whatever you want, whenever you want, and expect that things will be back to normal or back to where they were. You created a disconnect and I don't know if that can be fixed.

 

She says she loves me as a person and would do anything for me.

A sentence that cries "friend zone". Don't let that though get its way in her head for too long, because she might end up believing it's the right thing for you two.

 

So I grabbed my bags, started to make my way to the other room but she stopped me and said I could sleep in the bed with her but was not allowed to cuddle with her or any of that.

That was a real tough one I guess. After 4 years of love. You had 3 options: sleep with her and don't do anything, abiding to her rules, sleep with her and break her rules, or (third) tell her you couldn't do it because you love her more than ever before, etc. Each of the options would have had CONS... in the end it was a lose-lose situation. But maybe with the third option, you would have made clear that you know what you want and you're a real man. But I know most guys in that situation would have gone for option #1.

 

I give her a massage, put my arm around her and such but she wasn't really responding to it but she also wasn't pushing me away.

She was responding! She didn't push you away. What were you expecting? Her jumping onto you? You didn't grab the chance you had. It was a good chance to rebond.

 

She didn't seem too bothered by it but she rested her head on my shoulders and said she just needed time.

Her body is communicating more than words can do. She needs your support. She's not sure about the relationship though.

 

I give her a hug and she just gives me a quick peck on the lips and tells me that I just need time again.

She couldn't hold back when she saw you leaving physically. That's an indicator she still sees you as a partner and is attracted to you.

 

About 2 hours into my trip, I get a text saying that she does love me but she just needs time in which I responded that I am more then willing to give you the time you need and I'll work on myself too in the process. I arrive home, shoot her a text saying I made it home safely, she just responds by saying she's still at work which was kind of upsetting to me but I guess thats part of giving her space.

Please... don't turn into an amoeba guy in the hope she will like it. You MUST be yourself not someone else because you're worried she'll get bothered. Call her. Tell her you can't pretend you don't love her when you actually do. You don't want to hide your feelings and pretend you're not worried when you are.

 

You know what? You've been there how long? Two days? And I didn't hear anything about your will to solve her problems together. Why didn't you offer your help? I bet she would love it if you could solve at least part of her problems. And even if you can't, just the thought of you offering your concrete help would have been great. It would have let her know you're an adult, you know what you want, a problem solver and that anything can be worked out together.

 

its been so difficult for me to propose to her because I"m still stuck at home due to job hunting. I just felt like the end to this LDR was coming and I did not realize until now how selfish I have been with postponing us moving in together. I was just so focused on our financial situation and wanted us to live comfortably but its not worth it if it means I lose her in the process.

Don't dwell on the past, try to focus on the very present. Don't hide your feelings, don't be clingy, but be assertive. Show her you're a man, not a shallow boy. There's no sure recipe for you. Insist on the fact that you were impulsive with the one day disconnect, because you thought she sort of lost interest in you and you didn't want to force her into the relationship. You meant good and you did wrong, but this won't happen anymore. That you had no clear idea what she was going through. That you regret it with all yourself. That you want to help her with no further motive, just because you love her. And if she doesn't love you back, you will accept it. Make it clear she has no obligation towards you right now, but that your love for her is stronger than ever. Tell her you would like to visit her again this weekend, you can stay in some hotel nearby and ask her if that would be OK with her. Don't put any pressure on her, tell her she can tell you on Friday (or next Friday). Be calm and reassuring when you talk to her, even if you're upset inside.

[rkpeagle]

So do you think I should contact her or let her contact me? I've given her the space she requested and have not talked to her since Monday. I got issues about myself that I've never resolved and starting to realize that now.

[justwhoiam]

So do you think I should contact her or let her contact me?

I've given her the space she requested and have not talked to her since Monday.

3 days. I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know how she feels about you right now, at this point. You were talking about living together and now you go NC. If I were a man I would call her. I'm a woman and I wouldn't call you. The longer the NC, the lesser your chances to be back in her life.

 

I got issues about myself that I've never resolved and starting to realize that now.

What kind of issues?

[rkpeagle]

3 days. I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know how she feels about you right now, at this point. You were talking about living together and now you go NC. If I were a man I would call her. I'm a woman and I wouldn't call you. The longer the NC, the lesser your chances to be back in her life.

 

What kind of issues?

 

Basically, I got insecurity issues where I need constant reassurance that I've never fully got over with my past relationship. I've been dealing it okay with it in this current relationship but it's just progressively gotten worse due to her dealing with the divorce and being so mentally exhausted that we didn't talk on the phone. She had asked me if I wanted a break when this divorce started cause she knew she would be depressed but I had told her no. I think what did drive me to suggest a break is that I felt like she wasn't handling her depression properly but how do you handle your mom wanting to commit suicide. I never experienced anything like that before.

 

I've been wanting to call her, I just didn't want her to get upset that I didn't give her enough time. Prior to seeing her, she said she was taking her father's advice which is to just go through the emotions the first week then start thinking things through the second week.

 

I don't want to lose her but if it happens, this was a wake up call to me that I need to be a man and start communicating better with my significant other. I became so narrow-minded on wanting to start my career that I took her for granted at times but I now realize that I would rather have a family more because it is the most important thing to me.

Edited August 9, 2012 by rkpeagle

[justwhoiam]

Basically, I got insecurity issues where I need constant reassurance

Insecurities can be worked out.

 

how do you handle your mom wanting to commit suicide.

Asking for help. It's not something one can handle on her own. Plus, when she's away, she needs to check or have someone check that everything's fine with her mother, at least until when she'll be fine again. It'll probably take time.

 

I've been wanting to call her, I just didn't want her to get upset that I didn't give her enough time.

You have the right information on what works best with her. Think of the past, of the times you had an argument or something went wrong. What did she want?

 

If you're unsure... open a way of communication by email. Tell her you don't want to bother her, you've been wanting to call her... and see what she replies. But it seems to me now you're more open to the idea of losing her.

[rkpeagle]

Insecurities can be worked out.

 

Asking for help. It's not something one can handle on her own. Plus, when she's away, she needs to check or have someone check that everything's fine with her mother, at least until when she'll be fine again. It'll probably take time.

 

You have the right information on what works best with her. Think of the past, of the times you had an argument or something went wrong. What did she want?

 

If you're unsure... open a way of communication by email. Tell her you don't want to bother her, you've been wanting to call her... and see what she replies. But it seems to me now you're more open to the idea of losing her.

 

Well, I'm not open to it I just realize that "Wow, I could have done so much better for her." I do love her more than anything and she is the girl that I want to marry. When she's ready to come back to me, I will def. bring more to the table in terms of being there for her and being a better lover.

 

Usually when we had an argument, she would be the one to initiate the make up process because she was afraid of losing me and ended up crying. I would always try but when she is mad, she gets really mad. However, the arguments never lasted this long and I'm curious if she is feeling the same way that I am.

 

I know what she wants and that is for me to finally grow up, take charge in my life. She had said prior to me coming up that she was afraid things wont be the same because she felt like I would just do this again and she didn't want constantly worry about if I'm always going to be there for her.

Edited August 9, 2012 by rkpeagle

[justwhoiam]

Well, then I guess it's time for some serious promise. Or lose her.