Lone Blue Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 So I originally posted this on the Second Chances thread and I realized that it was probably better suited for here. Please let me know what you think and I'm sorry if you've seen this on two forums. --- Hi everyone on LoveShack. I'm a new member here, but I've been lurking around for a few weeks now. I finally decided to join and hoped to get the opinions of others. Mostly I want someone to tell me I'm stupid. I figure hearing it from a stranger may help me more. I hope that doesn't sound odd. Well, here's my story. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 4 and 1/2 years. Our relationship was far from perfect; from the get go, we disagreed about a lot of things because in many ways we are opposites. I'm a modern gal, who has no qualms over asking a man out, I'm a liberal, and I'm spiritual but not religious. He's very traditional, thinking a man should make all the moves, conservative politically, and he prays more than anyone else I know. I've had a few boyfriends and romantic entanglements; besides me, he has had none. Despite this, we loved each other greatly--to the point that when my father passed away while I was studying abroad, he was more in touch with me with me than even my own mother--and up until recently, before our break that turned into a break-up, we were discussing marriage. How the break that turned into a break-up happened was essentially my fault. I initiated it because I was tired of arguing. We were arguing so much because I had just come down from college and we were trying to adjust our lives together. It doesn't help that for the past year, I've heavily been on medication for anxiety and depression; I had a panic attack that prevented me from applying directly to law school and he had applied directly. I felt very insecure and jealous; I often couldn't sleep, eat, etc. A friend of mine at the time would stay up and talk to me. Essentially, my ex found this convenient as he's always been a big fan of sleep, and well, an emotional affair happened and I developed feelings for my friend. This was part of the reason I wanted a break; I thought it was unfair to be in a relationship with someone while I was essentially having feelings for another man. He understood, and despite this, he still told me he was "in love" with me and we were fine until I told him I wanted to get back together. At this point, he claimed he loved me but no longer was in love with me. I thought at first he was just hurt and wanted to make things difficult for me because I initiated the break, but the truth is that after a lot of drama (knocking at his door, calling, going NC for a month, etc), I broke NC today and effectively he admitted the truth. He said he had sabotaged our relationship from ages ago. He wanted out, and given that this was his first relationship, he didn't know how to deal with it. I imagine had I not suggested the break, he would have eventually broken up with me anyway. Despite being the dumper, I essentially feel dumped. I feel I dumped someone who wanted to be dumped and the only reason he cried/showed any feeling whatsoever was because he was fond of the habit of having a girlfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't help that today when we spoke, he admitted to fearing me, to thinking about me every day or every other day, and to essentially thinking of women as f*** toys. I told him my feelings and I don't regret them--I feel like I can FINALLY move on, but despite this, my heart breaks at the fact that I think a turned a nice boy into an a******. All he cares about now is having a good time and going to law school. He has a girl who apparently is flirting with him who he only sees as "hit and quit" and I'm just floored. This was the man that only a few months ago was talking about saving money up to propose to me. I just don't understand it. Someone tell me I'm being stupid, especially when it comes to him and the possibility of a second, or rather, a third chance. We had broken up once before three years ago for about 2-3 months; this time, he had actually ended it over a disagreement we had had over family. Another tidbit to mention is that the last time I saw him over a month ago, he promised me to be there for my birthday in December and to get me an expensive gift. Today when I brought up the possibility of reconciling, he brought my birthday up and how he did intend to keep his promise. Given everything he has said and done, I find that hard to believe and I think he wants to keep me on the back burner and string me along. In terms of reconciliation, he says he doesn't want to date anyone during the first semester of law school, that he's not in a position to be with anyone, that he finds himself to be an unforgiving person, and that most of all, he wants me to move on. He wants to regret the day that he let me go. He wants to be wrong one day and chase me. Again, I don't understand this, but I feel I'm being played and I need to move on. Still, I wanted to get opinions on what others think of this. Oh, and before I forget, he told me he wanted to be friends after I got over him, and he's encouraging me to date others. He wants me to forget him, but yet, he says he sees a slim chance of us reconciling in the future if we're new people. I feel jipped, used, and played--I think he was trying to placate me, especially considering his need to chase a woman. He's one of those that thinks a woman should never chase a man, and ironically, when we first started dating, I asked him out. Gah, I just don't understand. Thoughts on this break-up insanity?
weallfalldown Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 hi sorry to hear this, but it sounds like he was waiting for an excuse to go.... And i suppose if you had told him you loved another, well that's good enough for anyone...
flitzanu Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 wait, you initiated the break because you had feelings for another man, and he decided he was done, is that the gist of it?
Author Lone Blue Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I initiated the break for two reasons. The first was because we kept arguing since I came down from college. We were high school sweethearts, and well, with the exception of the majority of our first year together, we had a long-distance relationship. Coming down from college which was 5+ hrs away was a new beginning, and well, I guess being together all the time just killed us. The second was because I felt conflicted because I had feelings for two men and I didn't think it was fair to be with either if I was thinking of the other. I know I completely got what I deserved and I'm fine with that. You live and you learn, and well, I'll get a lesson from this and be stronger for it in the long run. What hurts me the most is that he, my ex, did a complete 360 entirely and has essentially turned into a complete a****** since then, and well, it isn't just towards me. It's towards women in general. He confessed he pretty much just wants to use them and that he doesn't want anything serious for his first semester of law school. I also got the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line and the whole "call me when you're over me" line. What I find interesting about the latter is that he told me he wanted to rekindle our friendship one day, so he could potentially chase me. I'm fine with this being over, but why be such a d*** about everything? I hope that makes sense.
Woggle Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Let him do his thing. Many times when a man gets his heart broken he decides that it is no longer worth it being a nice guy. Most men eventually settle somewhere in the middle.
GorillaTheater Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I'm fine with this being over, but why be such a d*** about everything? I hope that makes sense. It's a not-infrequently used protective shell we, men and women, use when we feel like we've been f*cked over in a relationship. It's not the most mature way to handle the rollercoaster of emotions that a person goes through when they find out about an affair and are broken up with, but it's not uncommon. He'll even out in time. But will probably be more jaded even then.
Car10e Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Hi, my story is very similar to yours. My ex bf and I also dated for 4 1/2 years. I also got tired of the arguing, which I think of now, was not even a huge problem. I felt like we just needed a week apart from each other for ourselves. I know now this was a big mistake. Obviously, it gave him the wrong impression and he turned it around on me. We were on break for a little less than a month, when I told him he needed to choose whether he wanted to try to work things out with me, or leave. He told me he wasn't ready to commit yet, so from that I got that we were ending our relationship. My ex bf has had a few girlfriends before me, but none of them ever lasted more than 4 months. I am in the same position as your bf. I have only had one boyfriend. While we were on break we met up a few times, where he told me maybe we need to see other people to see what we want. He also encouraged me to meet new people, and told me I don't know what its like with other guys. Which I guess is true. He also asked before breaking up, if we were to break up, would I want to be friends still. I just asked him, DO you really think we could be just friends after everything we have been through? The same week we broke up, I found out that he was seeing someone already. A 19 year old who he works with. He's 25. Although it bothers me, I feel like what he said to me in the beginning is what he really wants. He wants both of us to see other people. He wants me to see other people to help me realize what we had together wasn't as bad as I made it out to be sometimes. He tells people, including my brother that we aren't good for each other at the moment, which makes me feel he is keeping the door open with me still. I'm not sure whats going to happen, but he has not talked to me and I have not talked to him since. Only time will tell what will happen between my ex bf, and the same goes for you and your ex bf.
JesseMartin Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Sounds to me he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with and is probably unaware of. Turning into an ******* is just a weird way of dealing with things and hiding your true emotions. Let him be, he has a long way to go.
Author Lone Blue Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 So he's essentially behaving like an a****** because he's heartbroken? That makes no sense whatsoever to me considering he's encouraging me to date others and is completely indifferent towards me. I'd imagine if he were heartbroken, he'd be trying to get me back, especially considering I've given him space and later told him my true feelings. Oh well. In retrospect, he did admit that he feared me. However, this fear is useless if he no longer is "in love" with me. I suppose letting go and letting time do its thing is best. It's just difficult knowing I will never be able to fix my mistake. It doesn't help either that I think he thinks I'm psychotic despite him denying this fact. I just want to forget this already. I've been surrounding myself with friends and family, picking up new hobbies like salsa dancing, and doing the whole applying to jobs and law school thing all while not trying to think about this chasing complex he has. Why would a man say he wants to regret losing you? Oh, and Car10e, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. It does sound like he is keeping the possibility open in the future, but eh, I wouldn't hold onto that. As much as it may pain me saying this and as jealous as I am when I think of my ex with someone new, it really is best to see different people. How can you appreciate what you had/have if you've only ever been with one person? My mother herself went through this; she only had two boyfriends, and well, it turns out my dad ended up being "the one." She didn't realize this until he was gone for a year. Go figure! Best wishes all. xoxo
stillafool Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I think he was emotional (crying) because it is hard to say goodbye to someone you've been with for a long time. Now that he is free and he sees that other girls want him he has realized that this is a good thing that happened and he wants to be free to explore other women. Him telling you to date others is a significant sign that he is done. Men don't want you to date others if they are coming back to you. I suggest you accept that the relationship you had is over and also enjoy dating new people.
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I initiated the break for two reasons. The first was because we kept arguing since I came down from college. We were high school sweethearts, and well, with the exception of the majority of our first year together, we had a long-distance relationship. Coming down from college which was 5+ hrs away was a new beginning, and well, I guess being together all the time just killed us. The second was because I felt conflicted because I had feelings for two men and I didn't think it was fair to be with either if I was thinking of the other. I know I completely got what I deserved and I'm fine with that. You live and you learn, and well, I'll get a lesson from this and be stronger for it in the long run. What hurts me the most is that he, my ex, did a complete 360 entirely and has essentially turned into a complete a****** since then, and well, it isn't just towards me. It's towards women in general. He confessed he pretty much just wants to use them and that he doesn't want anything serious for his first semester of law school. I also got the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line and the whole "call me when you're over me" line. What I find interesting about the latter is that he told me he wanted to rekindle our friendship one day, so he could potentially chase me. I'm fine with this being over, but why be such a d*** about everything? I hope that makes sense. so what happened to the friend you had the hots for, that was part of your breakup, it didn't work out with him?
Author Lone Blue Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 so what happened to the friend you had the hots for, that was part of your breakup, it didn't work out with him? Pretty much. I ended up rejecting him, and well, he continued to chase me afterwards. I eventually lost interest. I actually saw him for coffee a couple of nights ago and I was dying of happiness when he told me he's interested in someone else. We've reverted back to a friendship and it's wonderful.
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Pretty much. I ended up rejecting him, and well, he continued to chase me afterwards. I eventually lost interest. I actually saw him for coffee a couple of nights ago and I was dying of happiness when he told me he's interested in someone else. We've reverted back to a friendship and it's wonderful. so since it didn't work out, now you wanted to rekindle your friendship with the ex that you dumped?
Author Lone Blue Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 so since it didn't work out, now you wanted to rekindle your friendship with the ex that you dumped? No, it's not like that at all. Even if it had worked out, it's possible I would've still have wanted to fix things. When I initiated the break, I did it to figure out my own feelings and because I wanted to take a break from the constant fights he (my ex) and I were having.
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 No, it's not like that at all. Even if it had worked out, it's possible I would've still have wanted to fix things. When I initiated the break, I did it to figure out my own feelings and because I wanted to take a break from the constant fights he (my ex) and I were having. just checking. as most of the others have said, him being a prick is usually just posturing. being a prick is easier than being heartbroken, and a terrible way to deal with pain. it also indicates he's not being receptive to what you're saying, so you're wasting your breath if you're trying to talk about missing him and he's being a jerk.
Phanpooh Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 just checking too Long time ago, my ex-gf asked for a "break" and i let her go, but that damaged me too much and i didn't really give her space. So then, i found out that she just wanted to be single to hook up with her "just a friend" and then sleep with him, she is living with him and i think they planning to marry soon. i putted a real NC and moved on. so now if she suddenly want to get back, it's so hard to get back my trust, and cause my life changed a bit after that break-up, i dun think i and she will have any communicate... SO then what can i say? @flitzanu: be sure what you say, even this is internet!
flitzanu Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 @flitzanu: be sure what you say, even this is internet! huh? i'm not sure i understand what you mean, phanpooh.
Author Lone Blue Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 I just noticed this now. What do you mean?
Author Lone Blue Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Hats off to your ex. Outplaying women at their own game is no simple feat. I just realized you had posted this now. Can you possibly elaborate on this? @flitzanu: No kidding. I am wasting my breath. In fact, I am beginning to think he never cared at all. Maybe my friend coming into the picture was a blessing in disguise. I just wish that despite all this, my ex had not turned out to have been such a jerk. He pretty much wants me solely as a friend and only when I'm over him. He is the first ex that I have that I don't think I'm capable of doing that with. I thought I was the bad one in ending things, but eh, after everything he's said and done, I find that maybe I wasn't completely in the wrong for wanting a break. He'd have done it anyway, right? @Phanpooh: Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. I can only hope that my ex doesn't turn out to be that much of a jerk, but eh, who knows anymore really. Last I spoke to him, he left his gentlemanly ways at the door. Women are now f*** toys. I pity his next partner.
flitzanu Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 blue, he did care, just doesn't care now. the thing is, even though it was your decision, he still has emotional control over you. and he's being a jerk. if he was a total stranger to you, would you let that stranger have any power over your emotions like you're allowing him to have?
Author Lone Blue Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 blue, he did care, just doesn't care now. the thing is, even though it was your decision, he still has emotional control over you. and he's being a jerk. if he was a total stranger to you, would you let that stranger have any power over your emotions like you're allowing him to have? Heavens no, Flitz. I'd send that stranger all the way to well... who knows where. And eh, I feel like a failure as a female. Despite recognizing errors on both sides, I still find myself blaming myself. I wish things hadn't ended in such a turbulent manner. The lies, God the lies, just resonate till this day. He had told me months ago that he had forgiven me for the emotional affair, that he wanted to work on things, and the reality is he never did those things. I felt like I was constantly being blamed over and over for one incident, and when we spoke on Saturday, it seemed to be the same thing over and over again. He kept mentioning how I was a forgiving person, a better person than he was, and how sorry he was for being unforgiving. He spoke of women as f*** toys and he tried to string me. He wants to be friends when I'm over him, but given prior conversations, I can say I don't trust him whatsoever. He has this whole thing that he needs to be THE MAN. This is the first ex I sincerely fear. He's turned into a d***, and eh, despite being that girl who is friend with all her exes, this one just seems entirely impossible. His unforgiving nature, his need to chase women, the fact that he's never been with anyone but me. I fear for my own gender. I'm overreacting, I'm sure, but I just needed to get that out.
Woggle Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 He is just a guy who has decided being a nice isn't worth it anymore. Why are you are concerned with what he does with his life?
Author Lone Blue Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 He is just a guy who has decided being a nice isn't worth it anymore. Why are you are concerned with what he does with his life? Two reasons: 1) I still love him and I wish I didn't. 2) I blame myself for the d*** he's become.
Woggle Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Do you love him or do you just have want what you can't have syndrome? There is a huge difference. If it weren't you some other heartbreak would have made them like this. Most men go through a phase like that.
Author Lone Blue Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Do you love him or do you just have want what you can't have syndrome? There is a huge difference. If it weren't you some other heartbreak would have made them like this. Most men go through a phase like that. You know, Woggle, I've asked myself the very same question, but I sincerely think I do love him. If it was just wanting what I can't have syndrome, I imagine I'd be wanting my friend, too, considering he has now moved on, but that's not the case AT ALL. Truth is my ex was the man I saw myself marrying and having children with, but eh, he always said this to me and I think he may have been right on this: "We fell in love way too soon and way too young." Oh well, c'est la vie. Qué será será. What's meant to be will be. There really isn't anything I can do about anything anymore. Whether his words are true or not, at the end of the day, they're just words, and eh, as much as it pains me, we've both hurt each other too much. If one day, a reconciliation would occur, we'd have to be different people. That, and well, he has things he needs to get over - I think he's suffering from G.I.G.S. in a partial way. The entire time we were together he kept talking about being with other women. Eh, guess that's what I get for being a guy's first everything. *Sighs*
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